A Dog and a Boy Scout
by Akktri
Summary: "Doctor Who without Doctor Who." An unwilling guest of the Doctor's funeral must defeat the Dominators and escape a time loop on an alien cruise ship.
1. Chapter 1: The Stranger In The Cave

Last summer, I went camping with the Scout troop. Me, four other leaders, and the boys. I brought my dog along, a gray cairn terrier named Zanie.

Zanie was a shelter dog. She has something wrong with her throat, that makes her barks very raspy and unusual sounding.

I loved that dog, so I got very upset when she got loose and ran off into the woods one evening.

I wanted to go easy on her throat, so I relaxed my grip on the leash.

Unfortunately, that was the same time in which she caught sight of a rabbit, or..._I don't know_, and she was gone.

Zanie is overweight, but she isn't slow. She got away from me, scampering off into the dark.

I had a flashlight, but the wind had picked up, and the dog was scurrying through mounds of brush and weeds that stood at exactly the same height, so it took me five minutes to pinpoint the location of the jingling dog tags.

They were stuck on a tangle of dead twigs. The dog had wiggled out of her collar somehow. I called for her, but she didn't come.

I ran after her, shoving my way through the brush, shouting in hopes that she'd return to me.

I caught sight of a fat little body as it disappeared under a bush.

Unthinkingly, I stomped ahead, and found no resistance beneath my feet. The weeds and brush had obscured a giant hole, and I had fallen right in.

I fell through the air a few feet, shielding my face just seconds before ramming headlong into a rock shelf, then I found myself somersaulting painfully over a myriad of shelves and boulders until my back slammed into a muddy cavern floor.

I blacked out for a whole minute.

When I awoke, I found myself in agonizing pain.

For some miraculous reason, I hadn't broken anything, but it sure felt like it.

As I lay there moaning and gingerly trying to roll over on my side, I found a dark hairy shape making crazy noises as it licked me all over my face.

While I groaned and pushed my furry friend away, the cave filled with a weird grinding noise. It sounded like someone trying to start a car with a dead battery, except slower, and it had sort of an unearthly ripping effect to it.

Up to that point, my only source of light had been the moon. That was, until I heard the noise. It was like a floodlight had been switched on with flickering theater lighting.

I eased myself into a sitting position as I struggled against the worst case of sciatica I've ever experienced, and I stared into the light.

Zanie growled, backing towards the mouth of the cave. I probably would have too, but I was too tired and in too much pain to move that fast. In fact, I thought the bright light was a sign I was dying.

Instead of seeing the pearly gates, I saw a box appear. A blue wooden box with a glowing light on top and glowing windows.

As the thing gained definition, the light faded to the point where I saw nothing but a set of square glowing holes cut into the inky blackness.

The door thundered open with shocking suddenness, and my eyes were temporarily blind from whatever source of illumination there was inside the thing.

Through the haze, I could see the figure of a man in a suit staggering out the opening. Surrounded by a nimbus of light, I thought it was a ghost.

In an unghostly manner, he took a few shaky steps and collapsed on the ground.

With a dizzy aching head, I stumbled to my feet and leaned over this stranger, trying to piece together the scenario the best I could.

In the light of the doorway, I could make out details, but I couldn't make sense of it.

The man wore a brown blood soaked pinstriped vest, a suit coat and slacks. I couldn't get a real good look at his face because it was dark, but I could see that it was cracked, weathered, and his hair was silver. In one hand, he clutched a tool, some kind of shiny silver cylinder with a glowing green knob on one end.

I have First Aid Merit Badge, but that doesn't make me a paramedic. Still, I thought I'd try to help the man any way I could.

Kneeling down, I pulled back his suit coat and saw a jagged piece of metal sticking out of his breast, right where his heart would be. Right away, I knew this guy was history. It was only out of courtesy that I dug out my cel phone.

The phone came out of my pocket as a useless piece of shattered plastic and electronic parts. I threw it against the wall in frustration.

My next plan was to climb out of the cave and run for help.

I tried to stand up, but I found the stranger's hand clamping down on my leg.

"Don't bother," he gurgled. "They removed my other heart on Qutjofa 7." He coughed up blood. "No regenerations left. No lucky breaks. This is it. The end."

His hand shot up, clutching my arm. Even with the blood loss, it hurt, and he actually had enough strength to pull me down to the point where our noses touched.

"I saved them!" he shouted in my face. "I saved them all! No one died!"

And then he slumped on the ground, breathing no more.

"Saved from what?" I asked.

No one answered me.

I didn't know it at the time, but this dead man, and his weird glowing box, were about to change my life forever.


	2. Chapter 2: Squid people

For a few minutes, I just stared at the dead stranger, wondering what I should do with him. He was too far gone for any sort of first aid or medical attention. Although I wanted to look at the blue box more closely, I decided I should instead go find someone to pick up the body.

I stood up, putting my hand to a rock shelf, but before I climbed the first step, I noticed a brilliant light filling the chamber.

Surprised, I spun around and suddenly found myself surrounded by a cluster of strange looking men with tan suits and tentacle faces.

They stood silently around the body in two perfect rows, their squid-like heads bowed in solemnity. Each one of these creatures held a glowing orb in their left hand, except for the odd `rightie' on the far end, dressed in khakis and a Hawaiian shirt.

Amused as I was about the mismatched squid, the others creeped me out so much that I wanted out of there, and fast.

The dog growled, backing into a corner, and I agreed with the sentiment. I grabbed her as quickly as I could, hefting myself onto a shelf.

"Stop!" I heard a voice shout.

I turned around and saw one of the brown suits pointing an orb at me.

"What!" I said. "What did I do?"

The stranger didn't reply.

Zanie barked at the thing. Well, as close to barking as she can manage.

"I won't tell a soul. I swear."

No answer.

"Can you at least tell me why you want me to stay? Am I your new protein source? Are you trying to cover up some grisly crime? What?"

In response, the entire group raised their orbs, pointing them threateningly at me.

"Come here," they called in unison.

These creatures didn't inspire much confidence, so I said no, climbing up higher.

"Come here!" the creatures shouted.

Their voices did not come out of their mouths, wherever they were, but rather in my mind, and the combined effect of their unified shouting was like that of a migraine headache. I clutched my skull, curling up on the rock.

"Come here!" they repeated.

"I don't want to!" I yelled.

They must have had some sort of mind control power, because, against my will, I found myself climbing back down, shuffling zombie-like into their group.

"Stand here," someone said, and I unthinkingly did so.

I saw a flash, and everything around me disappeared.

When the blinding light faded, and my eyes adjusted, I found myself standing on sort of a narrow plateau in the mountains somewhere.

The sky didn't look right, kind of an off purple color, and the rocks didn't resemble anything I knew from geology class. In fact, directly across from me, I could see another cliff, and its supports were so spindly and weak looking that for the life of me I couldn't figure out how they stood at all.

The tentacle faced creatures still surrounded me, giving me looks that reminded me of illustrations of angry octupii you'd see in vintage books and rustic fish restaurants.

Hearing a pitiful whine, and something poking me, I looked down and saw my dog pawing on my leg. With a chuckle, I picked her up, though she weighed as much as a bowling ball.

These strangers had brought "Mr. Saved Them All's" body along with them, for reasons that were unclear to me. I assumed they were either burying a leader or carrying him off to their kitchen for a little teriyaki marinade. The thought made me want to bolt, but there wasn't anywhere to go.

Behind me was a precipice, to either side I saw a sheer drop, the bottom of which I couldn't even see due to the thick clouds of fog. I guessed it to be at least a couple thousand feet to the bottom, probably more. Directly ahead, where all the squid men were walking, seemed to be the only way.

After walking in that direction for a few yards, I noticed the land spreading out, becoming more stable and easy to navigate. My tentacled captors continued marching in single file, but I chose to walk out of step.

I had seen enough _Planet of the Apes_ movies to know that being captured by aliens usually entails an extended stay at the local zoo, and maybe some unnecessary brain surgery. I didn't know if this would happen to me, but I wasn't about to hang around and find out.

Noticing a gap in formation, I seized my chance, I gripping my dog like a football as I broke into a run.

"Stop!" they shouted, but I was gone.


	3. Chapter 3: Pall Bearers

Ignoring the shouts and the splitting headaches, I sprinted down a rocky grade, nearly taking a spill as the gravel rolled beneath my feet like treacherous marbles.

At the bottom, I found myself at the foot of another hill, flanked on both sides by primitive looking cliff dwellings.

As I crept, wide eyed, up between these structures, staring nervously into their depths, I saw dozens of squid people of varying shapes and sizes emerging. Males, females, adults and children. Despite the weird looking clothes, I could guess what type of alien squid they were by what they wore, and their body shape.

Hearing a chorus of clucking sounds, and Zanie barking, I turned and found myself staring at a herd of pig bodied maggot headed beasts. I had to squeeze my dog to my chest to keep her from wiggling out of my grip, and she kept licking my face in attempts to make me let her go.

I hurried on, trying to ignore the crowd of creepy watchers, but the further I got uphill, the closer they came.

In minutes, I was surrounded with squid people, all holding orbs and telepathically telling me "Turn around" and "Obey."

The assault on my brain was so strong that I collapsed on my knees, clutching my temples, and Zanie alternated between barking and growling at them and desperately pawing and licking at me.

In a daze, I found myself in the company of brown suited pall bearers once more, groggily stumbling back the way I came.

Our path led up a series of steps to a wider plateau, and a massive city made of silver and crystal. I could do nothing but walk, and stare at everything.

I never seriously believed that space aliens existed, so I figured I was dreaming or something, perhaps due to hitting my head on rocks. Due to this reasoning, I just went along with these weirdos and hoped the other scoutmasters would wake me in time for breakfast.

The body was supported not by a wheelbarrow or their hands, but a pair of metal devices that suspended him a couple feet above the ground. The visual reinforced my thought of it all being a dream. That and the absolute silence of the entire affair.

I tried to get a good look at the corpse's face, but the tentacled guys were in the way most the time, so I only brief flashes of it.

We walked for a quarter of a mile, crossing another plateau and climbing rock shelves until we reached a wide rock staircase that stretched higher than the other one.

Ordinarily, I have to drop Zanie after carrying her overweight butt a couple blocks, but for some reason my arms felt stronger in that strange place, probably due to reduced gravity or something, so I made it a lot further before having to set her down. Not quite at the stairs, but in sight of them.

At the top of the staircase, I found a cathedral like structure, a tall chrome and glass thing with huge doors and a plethora of abstract decorations.

As we approached, the doors slowly swung open, and I was staring at a mob of weird unearthly creatures in black outfits.

I saw a dragon lady, a fat blue guy, a female thing with a bird face and a tail, a nun with a cat face, and a bunch of other crazy things. They all looked sad as we approached, even a rather stern looking potato headed guy in a robot suit seemed to be in mourning.

A few of them, particularly a little African American girl next to the robot suit guy, seemed to be praying, muttering things like "Doctor, return to us."

The funerary theme seemed to indicate that I wasn't a dinner to be served with a sprig of parsley, so I relaxed a bit, wondering why I got invited to this wake...or whatever it was. It baffled me why such a gruesome corpse was being displayed in such a way at a funeral, but I didn't bother mentioning it. I figured these folks were aliens or dream people, after all.

When I glanced at the body again, I noticed that the fellow no longer look like he'd been hit with a load of shrapnel, he was just a clean stiff in a suit. It was so preposterous that I pinched myself to make sure it wasn't some kind of nightmare brought on by the bologna sandwiches I had for lunch.

The place had no chairs, and it had the resemblance of a forest, but all in monochrome, the tops of the trees fluted and carved with symbols.

I passed a young woman with a human face and large furry ears like a cat, dressed in an orange trenchcoat and a scarf. As I stared at her, she reached into a large blue bin, handing me a fez, a striped scarf, and a bow tie. Another cat person dipped a branch into a bucket of green glop, flinging it all over me.

I saw someone handing out those orange trenchcoats, but not everyone was wearing them, so I didn't bother stopping there.

I checked for the dog and found her nervously hovering around my leg.

"That's a cute dog," said a young woman in a Victorian funeral dress. Her hair was black and short, her facial features plump, small, and gravitating toward the center.

"Uh, yeah," I stammered. "Can you please tell me what the hell is going on? I'm really confused."

Instead of answering the question, she gave me this odd look and said, "I recognize you."

"Excuse me?" I said, staring at her button nose.

"I know you."

"No you don't," I said. "I've never been here before in my life."

"No no no," she said. "It's on the tip of my tongue..."

"Whatever," I said. "This is probably all a weird dream anyway, and I'm going to wake up with a scoutmaster spraying me in the face with a water pistol."

She snapped her fingers. "Facebook. You friended me on Facebook. How is that new job going?"

My jaw dropped. "What?"

Oh sure, I thought. I'm in the middle of an alien planet, and we _just happen_ to be Facebook friends?

Who else has me on their social media, E.T.?

Or maybe one of those tentacled things!

You can probably understand my complete and utter disbelief.


	4. Chapter 4: Jenny

I wasn't sure what disturbed me more, the fact that she, an alien weirdo, knew who I was from social media, or the fact that she remembered a post I made more than month ago.

I gawked at her in disbelief. "Facebook."

She nodded.

As much as I stared at her face, it didn't ring any bells of recognition in my mind.

"I friend everybody," I said. "I just click okay. I don't know half those people the website says I know."

"Well now you do!" She offered her hand. "Jenny."

"Nick," I said.

Jenny turned to face the deceased, following the body into the crowd.

I hurried up behind her. "So, what, you're one of those people that likes to dress up in period costumes for fun?"

Not turning around, she said, "No, this is what I wear everyday."

"Wow," I said. "You're really deep into it, then."

She didn't reply.

"Tell me this," I continued. "If you're really from...the time of Charles Dickens, or whatever, why do you use Facebook?"

She turned around to glare at me. "I thought you were a friend of the Doctor. I thought you understood that the Doctor travels, or rather, _used to_ travel through time, hence why I know so much about your ridiculous century!"

"So he took you into the future to use his laptop?"

She rolled her eyes.

"How do you even know when you get a `like'? Do you have to travel into the future every day to check?"

"Shut up."

I stared at her in surprise, still not believing the whole bit about her being a time traveler. "You _really do_ go to the future to check every day!"

"No," she growled. "And if you continue to say stupid things to me, I won't talk to you anymore."

She whirled around, turning her back to me.

The squid people cleared a path through the crowd, levitating the corpse up a small staircase attached to a raised dais.

I watched them as they set him on top of a giant stone coffin, then turned to face my new acquaintance.

I still didn't understand the woman's calm detachment, nor did I understand what she was doing here if she didn't care about the guy, unless she had been brought there against her will like I was.

With these puzzles in mind, I followed her up on a riser. "Were you and this guy close?"

She suddenly looked glum. "We were friends, yes. We weren't romantically involved, but we were good friends, just the same."

I paused a moment. "You're taking it well."

Jenny sighed. "He was always dying, or appearing to die. It was like the little boy who cried wolf. He appeared to die, he faked his death, he actually died and came back.

"He'd get shot, stabbed, thrown off a building or some other damn thing and then he'd get all glowy and his face would change. One moment he's dead, the next he's popping up with a new face, new body, right as rain. The first couple times, I actually cried, but then I stopped believing it."

She looked away. "This still doesn't seem real."

I had many more questions, but before I could get any of them answered, a hush fell over the crowd, apparently caused by the entry of a large robed creature with a head of a grasshopper, its face covered in brown and cream colored fur. The thing, looking like the love child of a squirrel and a praying mantis, wore a glowing Frisbee-like disk on its head, between its furry antennas, apparently some sort of religious headwear.

As the creature slowly hobbled towards the dais, I heard music, or rather, something that resembled music. It was mostly a bunch of atonal noise made with instruments I've never seen or heard before.

I saw a fair number of the funeral goers swaying to this noise like it some deep religious song, and I found a delicate looking hand grabbing mine, and, on my left, a lobster-like claw reaching for the other.

Although the claw made me nervous, the red Komodo dragon beast attached to it didn't seem to be in a happy mood, so I obliged it.

The song had foreign sounding words, which I heard passing through my female acquaintance's lips, and the mandibles of Crab Guy, but I couldn't understand a word of it.

As the crowd swayed and sang, I saw a green cyclops thing in a robe carrying in a standard bearing a giant gold wheel with bent spokes, a symbol reminding me of the plastic piece they put on records. Behind this creature were two salamander things who waved around an incense that smelled like burning tires, old grease and stale Cheez It crackers.

When the creature posted the standard behind the coffin, the furry bug waved a claw and the music stopped.

The creature coughed, and suddenly everybody was pulling out fezzes, placing them on their heads.

During all the confusion, I had nearly dropped mine, twice, but I still had my fez with me, so I put it on.

The bug pulled out a small tablet computer, reading from the screen.

"And the Giixas Qomcuk left the region of Cetoxt and the whole of Bonmab followed him, and they came to rest upon Sediri, they and their spacecraft.

"And in Sediri there was a temple, a temple of the Wacsis, and many of the Bonmab worshiped the gods of the Wacsis and the Jochup.

"And Vaare was angry because of this, and inflicted a horrible citmag upon the entire nation, so that many of them died.

"And Qomcuk, seeing this, approached the Vaare and said to him, `O Vaare, your Bonmab suffer horribly from this citmag. O Vaare, we are but your feeble diodtu that wither and fade away in the heat of Geccil. Even I, the Giixas of the Bonmab cannot withstand it. Will you not turn your wrath away?

"Upon hearing this, the anger of Vaare faded, and the citmag passed from Sediri."

I'm sure the rest of the sermon was edifying, but when I looked down, I suddenly noticed that my dog was missing.


	5. Chapter 5: Last Rites

Not wanting to lose my dog, I dropped the scarf and other things, squeezing in between a pair of six foot tall cicadas with bow ties and a rotund buzz cut guy with a baby strapped to his stomach.

I stepped off a riser, looking down a hallway off to the left side, but when I attempted to step over that way and check the door at the end, I felt a metal gauntlet grabbing my shoulder.

I looked up and saw an enormous stern looking brown face, one which reminded me of a potato.

"Going somewhere?" the neckless figure asked.

I frowned at his shiny robotic suit. "I lost my dog. Cairn terrier. Barks funny. You seen him?"

He only grunted.

"Can I please go look for my dog?" I sighed.

He punched some buttons on the wrist of his suit, then frowned at a miniature screen set in the gauntlet.

"My sensors detect twelve four legged creatures on the premises. What were the general dimensions of this dog?"

"It's a Cairn terrier," I repeated. "It weighs about ten pounds, more or less, probably more because I feed her too much."

He typed something else in, then frowned at the screen. "Oh. That gray thing is yours." He pushed a purple button, speaking into a black square.

"Vast!" he hissed. "Come over here!"

I heard a female voice replying, "I'll be over right away, Strax."

And so I stood at the corner of the hallway about eight minutes, listening to the bug preaching about how the Doctor was a noble soul like the heroes and prophets of the Tinuxa, their holy text.

A couple people stepped aside and I saw the green lady marching up to me with Zanie cradled against her chest.

"He was looking for his dog, Madame Vastra," the big guy said.

"Oh." She stared. "And you must be the Doctor's newest companion."

I coughed. "More like acquaintance. For like a minute."

She petted my dog, giving me a warm smile. "A minute can mean everything to a Time Lord."

I sighed, at a loss for a proper response.

"You should carry a leash. It would make it easier not to lose your pet."

"I lost it," I shrugged.

"I can get you another."

"Really?" I said. "That would be cool."

She handed Zanie back to me.

"Can you please tell me why I'm being held hostage here?"

"My dear, you're not a prisoner!" said Vastra. "You're our honored guest! I can think of no one more privileged, with the exception of his wife."

I rolled my eyes. "I don't know why he thinks I'm such a great friend. All I did was watch him die."

She frowned. "Don't you know first aid? You are a Boy Scout, aren't you?"

I rolled my eyes. "What kind of first aid can you do for a chest full of shrapnel? Just because I have First Aid merit badge doesn't mean I'm a paramedic."

"That's disappointing." She shook her head.

As a choir of freakish creatures started singing in some foreign language. Zanie tried to squirm out of my grip, but I just repositioned her.

It was an awful long time to stand around with a dog in your arms, even in a low gravity that made me bounce on my feet. Not wanting to lose her again, I sat down on the floor, watching the ceremony with waning interest.

Noticing my plight, she stepped out of the chapel for a moment, returning with a little silver box and a glowing plastic handle.

"Telepathic leash," she whispered. "So you don't offend someone."

I frowned. "Like who, exactly? A talking Great Pyrenees?"

She rolled her eyes, which looked comical on a face like hers. "Perhaps."

Without a word, she clipped the box on Zanie's collar, gesturing for me to let go of the dog.

I did what she suggested, and she took the leash handle from me, waving it in a random direction. Zanie tilted her head like she were dreaming about someone pulling her by a leash.

"Cool," I muttered as the handle was pressed into my hand.

Suddenly, I heard a weird grinding sound, that sound I'd heard in that cave I tumbled into when this whole mess started. The sound I'd forever associate with a dying stranger, and his blue telephone booth. Everyone fell dead silent. It seemed everyone in the chamber responded to the sound almost instinctively, snapping to attention.

I spun around and saw the cause of the disturbance. Someone was playing a holographic memorial on a device in the center of the chamber.

As I stared at the video, I noticed a tray being passed around, loaded with something like gummy bears. As it was handed to me, I heard someone saying, "Care for a Jelly Baby?"

"No thanks," I said, handing it to Jenny.

She took one bite, then I saw tear trickling down her cheeks. "He always loved these damned things!"

The memorial was very confusing. The man had done a lot of brave and dangerous things, and I didn't understand half of it. I didn't understand why they were showing footage of fourteen different people, either.

I tapped Ms. Vastra on the shoulder, pointing to the image of the man with the messy hair and glasses.

"Is that his brother or something?"

She laughed. "No, that was his tenth regeneration."

"I'm still confused about that part. What exactly do you mean by regeneration?"

She just shushed me, staring at the program.

I didn't understand all this business about `regenerations,' and I still don't think I do. I'd never met the guy before, so they all looked weird and unfamiliar, even the last incarnation when he was displayed alive. I continued gazing at the recordings, hoping to a get a glimpse of the cause of the Doctor's death, and I figured I did, in a fashion: He had a dangerous line of work.

In his tenth regeneration, he jumped from thousands of feet in the air through a glass domed roof without a parachute. Nobody could have survived that fall. But yet, the body I saw on the altar looked different. My best guess was that they were literally doctors, and they passed the honorific down from person to person, kind of like how James Bond had multiple faces.

Zanie kept pulling on the psychic leash (it was that realistic), and I became confused by all the bizarre imagery in the recording, so I tried to sneak out of the chapel.

I hadn't gone a foot before I heard that grinding sound again, and the music and sound got soft.

Some people put little plugs in their ears to keep listening, but others turned their attention to the dais, where the bug was speaking again.

After giving a speech about how wonderful a friend the Doctor was, he called for the Doctor's last living companion to come forward to say a few words.

Me, in other words.

I pretended not to be there, but the dragon lady and the potato head guy pushed me up to the dais, and I was being handed a little rod to speak into. This rod echoed the sounds of my breaths across the entire building.

I don't know the guy, I was abducted by squid people and taken here against my will, and everyone thinks I'm the guy's best friend. I hadn't even been given time to prepare, yet they wanted a speech.

Everyone was staring at me, breathlessly awaiting my next word.

Awkward.


	6. Chapter 6: Alpha Dog

I decided to make it short and sweet to escape the spotlight as soon as I could.

Clearing my throat, I said, "I wasn't his companion that long, but from what I could tell from those brief moments, he was a good man." I handed the rod back.

After this, the bug summoned the Doctor's wife, a pale curly haired woman. Her funeral dress looked stylish, even if it may have only been a hologram.

The moment the woman took the rod, I knew it was going to be an epic speech. She and the Doctor had a long, convoluted history together, one that involved time travel and being imprisoned in some frozen wasteland.

As fascinating as it was to hear about her suffering and her daring adventures, I didn't understand half of the things she described, and quickly grew restless and tried to escape again.

Unfortunately, spud head blocked me in, so I could only slouch against the coffin.

Well, until Zanie lifted her leg and stained the dais.

Instead of letting me go at this point, Strax called the green lady over, and she muttered something about taking my pet on a walk.

I didn't get to leave, but my dog did.

Groaning, I occupied myself by counting cracks in the coffin.

The face of the corpse glowed brightly, its features shifting and liquid like plasma in the sun. Squid people surrounded the body (and me) on all sides, gurgling and tilting their heads.

I dusted off a spot next to the coffin and sat down, listening to Jenny as she recounted incidents about something called Sweetville and Weeping Angels and other things I'd never heard of.

I listened a little, but mostly I was trying to think of a good story to tell the scout leaders to explain my absence, without coming off sounding like a nut.

When Jenny finished saying her piece, several more strange looking people came up, telling their stories. If my phone had been working, I probably would have been playing Pac-Man or something. Most of it just went in one ear and out the other.

A pair of squid men came along with a little machine, and my dog's mess was cleaned up. A couple minutes later, I had Zanie back in my possession.

Soon I had a group of strangers surrounding me. Well, actually the coffin, but me by proximity.

More speeches. This time, I saw the big guy talking.

Seeing that he was distracted, I decided to seize my chance to get away.

I managed to make my way off stage, but then I was surrounded by squid men, and I got marched back up to the coffin.

I listened to stories and fell asleep.

I awoke when one of the squid men bumped into me while sticking a glowing rod in the coffin.

I stood up, watching five other squid heads planting similar rods in geometrically aligned slots while another pair coated the body with a gooey orange sap that smelled of mildew.

There was apparently a rite where they sacrificed an animal, but I guess the Doctor had been against that sort of thing, so they had made some thing out of plastic that bled, and they sprayed his body with the gore.

Nobody seemed to care that I was standing there the whole time.

When all the posts were in, the bug approached the coffin, praying with raised claws. "O Vaare. Accept now the spirit of your servant Doctor into your glorious dimension of souls. Accept him into the realms of joy and peace known only dimly to him in this mortal realm."

Suddenly all the squid heads surrounding the coffin broke into incoherent droning, bowing their heads repeatedly.

Without warning, the body burst into flame, a flame of such brightness that I thought they were microwaving or cremating him, but there was no heat and the flames bent and warped in weird shapes like water, or some kind of plasma.

The stuff rose from the corpse like a geyser, seeming to slowly vaporize the deceased as it blasted upwards, presumably heavenwards.

A tendril of it brushed my forehead, and I had a brief hallucination of a word causing an explosion, and words assembling themselves into photons and particles and molecules and so on until they were planets.

I saw a flash, then an image of an indescribably beautiful earth-like planet, one full of spired buildings and flying cars.

Shocked, I staggered backwards, inadvertently bumping into a squid head.

When I recovered from my vision, I noticed my dog pouncing on a glowing frond like it were a butterfly or a laser pointer dot.

Still disoriented and confused by all that I had seen, I didn't try to stop her. I sincerely hoped the glowing stuff wasn't radioactive.

My dog did a barrel roll, flopping back and forth like an old dog with an inner ear disorder.

"Zanie!" I cried, but the moment I stepped closer, she shook herself and hopped off the dais like nothing had happened.

I blinked and the glowing plasma was gone, leaving me wondering if I were going to suddenly gain alien powers, turn into an alien, or start bleeding out of my eye sockets.

None of these things happened. Instead I just found myself staring absently at a wall, feeling that spaced out sensation you get when you come down from a caffeine high.

_It was beautiful, wasn't it?_ an odd sounding voice said inside my head. _So many parks..._

I looked around, but only saw my dog looking at me. She was gazing directly into my eyes in a way that was both endearing and unsettling.

She panted, appearing to smile. _Yes, I'm talking to you._

"I must have hit my head really bad," I muttered.

Dogs laugh by panting. _Silly master. _I thought I heard her say.

It wasn't like this was the first time I talked to my dog, but it was the first time I actually _felt compelled to answer_ a dog. Feeling ridiculous, I petted her head and said, "Yes, it was beautiful."


	7. Chapter 7: The Will

As I stared at the barren spot where the body used to be, my only thought was how I would never doubt in the existence of extraterrestrials again.

I grabbed my dog and sat down, rocking her back and forth in a semi catatonic state.

The ceremony seemed to be winding down, evidenced by the small groups of creatures hugging on their way out the door.

More music played as I just stared absently through the squid people, at nothing.

I was beyond trying to escape, to plea bargain, to ever hope of going home.

The priest bug chanted something I presumed to be a benediction, then more of the crowd thinned out, the stragglers remaining to watch the videos.

Zanie slurped me in the face, and I got a weird feeling like she was still communicating to me mentally. However, it seemed we had either progressed beyond words.

As we looked into each other's eyes, I was hit with a wave of foreign emotion. I couldn't claim it as my own. Intense worry. Supreme respect. Disappointment. I didn't just see it, I felt it.

She seemed to say "pack leader" and "love" in my mind, and I had this sick twist in my stomach as I seemed to share a vision of a leash. Enslavement. Protection. Joy. Enslavement. Protection. And then the feeling was gone.

No more telepathy, or telepathic empathy, or whatever it was I'd just experienced. I was again holding nothing but an uncommunicative wiggling hairball with bad breath.

Maybe I was being an insane dog owner after all.

Seeing movement in the corner of my eye, I turned and saw the dinosaur lady in her black funeral dress, leaning on the edge of the coffin, smiling at me.

She said, "I saw you practically sticking your face in Time Lord energy. How are you holding up?"

I shrugged. "I'm fine."

"Feeling any different?"

I shook my head.

"No special powers?"

I laughed. "Are you kidding?"

She frowned. "Astounding otherworldly knowledge?"

"Uh...not really." Seeing her expression become even more disappointed, I added, "I had a vision. Does that count?"

She knelt next to me. "What did you see?"

And so I told her.

She stared at me in silence for a moment before saying, "Maybe that's something he wanted you to see."

"Maybe," I shrugged.

"We should do a few tests later."

I wondered what kind of tests she was referring to, but I figured it was just hypnosis or something, so I didn't bother to ask.

She stared at a watch on her wrist. I'm not sure if it were real or an illusion, but I figured a device that makes illusionary clothing could be smart enough to also tell time. "We should go. They'll be reading the will soon."

"A will?" I blurted.

The green woman nodded. "He was a Time Lord, and has had more than three hundred years to plot out a will. I have heard it is watertight to the last detail."

I shook my head. "Okay?"

I thought about arguing that it was too early to start reading a dead person's will, but I had never actually been in a situation where anyone asked me to be present for such a reading, so I didn't bother.

Hearing a mechanical whirring noise, I turned and saw the potato man, now dressed in a snappy black tuxedo. It looked comical on him, to say the least.

"What happened to the robot suit?"

The guy responded by knocking on his chest. The sound was like what you'd get by striking the side of an iron stove with a hammer. "Perception filter."

"Ah," I said.

He cleared his throat. "We must be going. There are legal matters to discuss."

I didn't move. "Why should I come with you? Only a moron would include a complete stranger into his will, or a crook."

The guy just shrugged. "I didn't read the whole thing. Who's to say what you're getting? It might only be a shilling or two."

"I'm an American!" I complained. "I don't even have any use for shillings!"

"Exactly."

Looking very annoyed, the guy grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me to my feet.

I sighed in resignation, looking back and forth in attempts to figure out my bearings. "Where is this conference room anyway?"

He pointed down a hallway behind the coffin. Reptile lady turned and marched over that way, so I gave Zanie's psychic leash a tug, I hurrying after her, dog on my heels.

We passed through the door at the end of the hall, walking a circuit through a cave lined with tunnel mouths obscured by black fleshy plant tendrils thick as boa constrictors. These mouths were arranged like gateways at a stadium, a passage leading into the main room every couple yards, other mouths leading down into dark tunnels, doors, or meeting rooms.

We were elbow to elbow with strange creatures, predominately squid faced things, which the big guy, Strax, called "Ood."

I was led into one of the cavern tunnels, through a giant steel door, and into a vast rotunda with a table in the center.

The place had a vague but tolerable odor recalling the essence of peaches, carpet cleaner, and a scent I couldn't identify with anything earthly.

Seeing nobody there but the dragon lady, my "Facebook pal", and some white bearded guy with a blue robe and a strangely shaped red skullcap, I pulled out the chair at the end of the table and slouched, waiting for the meeting to start.

All of a sudden, I saw a sea of brilliant sparks filling my vision, and I fell out of my chair, convulsing uncontrollably and foaming at the mouth.

As my body spasmed out of control, I saw a vision.

In my mind's eye, I saw the image of a spaceship, and it was exploding.

A woman's face appeared, a woman with one eye set in the middle of her face.

This woman looked directly at me, saying "I love you."

Then I saw a bunch of weird looking alien bodies, all dead.

When my vision cleared, I saw a cluster of faces staring down at me with concern.

I wiped my mouth and sat up, embarrassed.

"Are you okay?" the Doctor's wife asked.

"Does this happen often?" Jenny said.

"Fine," I moaned. "It's weird. I'm not even epileptic."

"Perhaps it is a late developing chromosome," said the green face, but then she and the blonde began muttering back and forth about how the Time Lord energy may have affected my brain.

I pulled myself up into a seated position. "I'm sorry. I'm fine. Don't hold up the meeting on my account."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Jenny said. To my untrained ear, it almost sounded like the meeting would continue even if I were dead.

I watched as a group of strange men in skullcaps and odd fan collared robes shuffled in, seating themselves at the end of the table.

As everyone moved around and got situated, the chairs nearest to me were occupied by a man in a skullcap, and the blonde.

She offered me her hand. "I don't believe we've been formally introduced. My name is Riversong."

I nodded and told her my name.

Soon the table was full, and when more strangers arrived, I expected to be sent away, due to my infinitesimal insignificance, but instead they left me where I sat, a proverbial dog in a manger.

One of the guys in skullcaps stood up, thanking us for coming before launching into a dry introductory speech about the will.

The dead guy had a lot of junk to give away, apparently. A number of trust funds had been set up for various individuals for charity in places, or possibly planets, I'd never heard of, weird militaristic sounding grants with idiotic names like "Project Hamster Umbrella", "Ultra High Density Sexy Beam", "Liberace's Underpants" and "The Timey Wimey General Fund."

Some of the trusts sounded ominous, like "Nuclear Fail Safe" and "WMD Contingency Plan", but they were mostly goofy sounding.

As the guy unloaded the particulars of each trust, I got the impression that lawyers can make anything boring, even special plans for flying saucers stocked with evil robot deflection devices and rooms filled with jelly cookies.

Envelopes were passed around, and the next item of the will was read.

The details of each trust were lengthy and very complicated, and I soon forgot my embarrassment, slowly drifting off to sleep. Zanie had the same idea, flopping down like a dust mop on the floor.

I didn't sleep all the way, on account of napping quite a bit earlier, so I would fade in and out of consciousness, catching strange snippets about giving this or that to Queen Elizabeth, Winston Churchill and Vincent Van Gogh. At first I thought I was dreaming, but when I became fully conscious, I heard something about giving a package to someone named Amy Pond in 1923 and I decided that the man had slipped a cog when he composed this will.

At every spot on the table, I saw glowing pieces of paper and little small pointy sticks. They appeared to be a type of computer, which the attendees used to jot down notes, or, as was the case with the skullcap man next to me, doodling little random designs.

Noticing my boredom, the curly haired lady took the piece of paper in front of me, tapping something on it, and I was looking at a strange holographic game involving a four legged slug trying to crawl down a Mayan-esque pyramid, Q-Bert style.

Unlike normal video games, the slug had a mind of its own, so I spent several minutes trying to coax it down by enticing it with various holographic objects, or frantically pointing. Not my favorite game, but it was at least something interesting to do while the skullcap guy listed off various inheritances that I didn't care about in the slightest. After all, they weren't for me.

I was just getting good at the slug game when I heard the man reading, "`And now, for the last and certainly not the least of my possessions. Upon my passing, I hereby bequeath the big tamale, my priceless treasure, the one and only Type 40 TARDIS to my lovely wife Riversong.'"

The motormouth next to me nodded and made a very satisfied "hmph" sound.

I just sighed and resumed messing with the game, simultaneously disappointed that I wasn't mentioned and hoping this meeting would be over.

But it wasn't over.

Someone handed me an envelope.

"`...And to Nicholas Brown, my newest companion and associate, I bequeath my 1970's era London police box.'"

I snapped to attention, feeling a chill run down my spine.

I hadn't told anyone my last name. The thought that this Doctor guy knew seemingly everything about me but I knew nothing at all about himself made me feel sick to my stomach. How did he know me? How much did he really know?

And then it hit me. Facebook.

I shot Jenny a suspicious glance, but she only shrugged like she had no knowledge of the situation.

I gawked at the envelope in disbelief. What manner of gift was this, anyway? Was this Doctor really some sort of benevolent Santa Claus type willing to impart gifts to complete strangers, or was this gift some sort of white elephant that would ruin me, or worse?

Swallowing, I ripped the envelope open. Inside, I found a stack of paper and a key.

I pocketed the key, frowning at the legalese on the paperwork as others around the table gasped and muttered to one another.

Mostly, the document seemed to be stating that I had the rights and privileges of ownership regarding the phone booth.

I stared at the man with a mixture of shock and bewilderment. What was I going to do with _that thing_? Sure, it has lights and can appear inside caves from out of nowhere, but I figured it was all a trick like David Copperfield making the Statue of Liberty disappear. My thoughts immediately went to Ebay and Craigslist.

For sale by owner:

Magician's Disappearing London Police Box.

Impress your friends, family, or nightclub with this incredible stage illusion.

Appears out of nowhere and vanishes into thin air...

I was still mentally revising the article when I noticed Riversong turn around and stare at me with her mouth hanging wide open.

"But that's the same thing I got!"

Noticing my bewildered expression, she slowly held up a key identical to the one in my pocket.

"We need to talk."


	8. Chapter 8: TARDIS key

I got the phone booth, and she got the TARDIS. I thought that was a fair deal, except for the fact that the keys looked identical. There was a lot I didn't understand, and so I wasn't getting the complete picture.

Since I had only just been thrown into this chaos a few short hours ago, I had no real attachment to my newly discovered `inheritance', and would gladly give up my dubious treasure to make peace.

"Fine," I stammered. "Let's talk."

She nodded, leading me out into the hallway.

Her strides were quick, her heels clopping fiercely on the stone floor. I had to hurry to keep up.

"What's the big deal?" I cried. "So what if we get two of them? You can do your stage act with your phone booth in Reno, and I'll, um, try somewhere else."

She stopped, whirling around to scowl at me. "You really don't know what you've been entrusted with, do you?"

I shrugged. "I'm guessing it's got mirrors or something on the outside so it appears to vanish out of thin air and appear out of nowhere."

"Wrong. Think about how you got here."

"By hitting my head on a rock? I _did_ have a nasty fall on the way down..."

She furrowed her brow.

"I mean, I _have_ to be dreaming. This whole thing is too bizarre and outlandish."

She slapped me in the face. "How's that for dreaming!"

"Ow," I moaned. "Why did you do that for?"

"To prove that you're not asleep."

"You could have just pinched me."

"Well I didn't. I just thought that this would be more effective."

She clomped a little further down the corridor.

"Wait up," I heard a voice calling behind me. "I want to get a slap in too."

I looked back and saw a rounded pear shaped face with dark, elegantly styled hair.

My annoying Facebook friend. Jenny.

"You're welcome to it," Riversong said. "He seems to think he's dreaming."

I raised my hands defensively. "Hey! Would you want me to slap you if you accidentally wound up in my back yard and didn't know where you were?"

"I would never do that," she said in an icy tone.

Trying to smooth things over between us, I said, "Fine. Get it over with."

In response, she kicked me in the crotch.

I doubled over in pain. "Ow! What the hell!"

With a faint smirk, Riversong spun on her heels, resuming her brisk march.

Groaning, I staggered after her.

"Wait!" Jenny called. "Where are you going?"

"I and Mr. Brown are going to have a little talk," I heard the woman saying.

"You're not seriously going to share the TARDIS with this moron, are you?"

Riversong kept walking. "Jenny, the Doctor chose to include Mr. Brown in his will. If he trusts him, I must also trust him, albeit grudgingly."

"But he has absolutely no time travel experience! He'll be sure to screw something up!"

"It wasn't my idea," Riversong sighed.

"Perhaps I should come with, then? Make sure he doesn't get into trouble."

Riversong stopped. "Jenny. Relax. I know for a fact that you have more important things to concern yourself about."

"Okay," she said with an uncertain look.

"I'm a Time Lord's wife," Riversong said. "What the Doctor knows, I know. And if Mr. Brown touches any of the equipment, I'll break his hand."

I swallowed hard. "Look, I still don't know what's going on. Can someone clue me in? I have no idea where I am, why I'm here, or why I have been given this...thing that is somehow not a magician's stage prop."

"I should have read his Facebook wall more carefully," Jenny muttered. "He was probably full of gems like this and I just didn't check carefully enough to see."

"How did I get here in the first place?" I said. "Can you tell me that, at least?"

"You were transported by a Transmat beam," Riversong muttered.

I stared at her in puzzlement. "You mean, kind of like the thing they have on Star Trek?"

"Not quite," she frowned. "But it _does_ involve disassembling and reassembling your molecules."

"How do you do that without killing the thing you're sending?"

She only shrugged. "There are encyclopedias written on the subject."

"I guess my consciousness got transferred over here somehow, or we wouldn't be having this conversation..."

"Right," she said. "We have the technology to transfer the consciousness to a body across the galaxy."

"So, you figured out a way to move souls around, then?"

Her response was cautious, as if she were trying to avoid appearing religious. "You...can say that, I suppose."

"Or maybe they naturally follow the body in whatever place it inhabits?" I suggested.

"Maybe." An even more cautious response.

We turned a corner, and I was staring into a lounge populated by large recliner chairs that bore a striking resemblance to lotus seed pods. The room smelled like burnt waffles, spinach and hair spray.

Riversong seated herself, gesturing to one of the chairs.

Zanie grunted, rubbing her face into my shirt.

I plopped down on a chair next to the woman, and the seat cushions conformed to my shape like a waterbed.

I was in another rock chamber. At one end of the room held a device shaped like a goal post, from which came holographic images of forests of weird looking trees with bark like a crab's shell, and lovely picturesque scenes of giant black insectoid things munching on little creatures as they swam around the foot of a waterfall. The back of the room held three refrigerator sized machines covered in buttons and symbols. It didn't make a bit of sense to me, but since there was a Pepsi machine next to them, I could presume that they were vending machines of some sort.

Jenny squished into a chair across from us, using a lever to mechanically wheel it closer. For someone who hated my guts, she wasn't exactly avoiding me.

"Question and answer time," Riversong announced. "First of all, the preliminaries. A TARDIS is a machine that travels through space and time. It's an abbreviation of the words Time and Relative Dimensions in Space. It just so happens to look like a London police box. For this reason, it is impossible for us both to claim sole ownership of the item."

I offered her my key. "Here. I have no use for this. You obviously know more about this thing than I do."

"No," she said. "You keep it. The Doctor sometimes makes questionable decisions, but in the end, they're always right. For some reason, he wanted you to have it, so I will not deny you of that privilege."

She frowned. "Of course, he also willed it to me, which means I'm essentially your babysitter."

"Would you like a drink, or maybe a snack?" Jenny asked.

I stared at her, wondering why she was being nice. "Uh, what kind of snacks?"

She glanced at the machine. "Atwanob. They're a little like chips covered in cough drop chemicals and sauerkraut. Kind of a little chocolatey lemon zing on top. They're good."

I screwed up my face. "Uh. That's...okay. How about a Pepsi?"

"Suit yourself." And she clicked buttons on a machine.

My dog became restless in my arms, wiggling and licking me in the face, so I set her on the floor.

Zanie circled around once, then laid her head on the stonework.

"Why me?" I asked. "Surely there were people closer to the Doctor than I was."

"I was about to ask the same question," Jenny called. 'What about his other companions? Surely-"

"They're all gone, or otherwise don't want to become involved," Riversong said sadly. "We checked. Every last one of them. The Doctor's most dedicated companions tend to have short lives."

I gulped. "That doesn't sound good."

"No it doesn't. Of course, this is not always the case. I had some high hopes for a few of the survivors, but, alas, it never worked out."

Hearing a scraping sound, I looked down just in time to see a section of the floor opening up.

In a split second, a little girl in a jumpsuit popped out, grabbed my dog, and disappeared down the hole, slamming the floor closed behind her.

"Zanie!"


	9. Chapter 9: Scout's Den

The floor looked seamless. I had no idea how we were going to get my dog back from that strange girl.

Frowning, we knelt around the section of smooth rock, feeling for the edges of the trapdoor or whatever the girl had used.

"Why would she take the dog?" Jenny asked.

"I don't know," I said. "Why does anyone steal anything? Maybe she just really wanted a dog. Is there a map or something that can tell us where this thing goes?"

Riversong pulled a silver rod out of her pocket. "This building is very old. It will be difficult to get the blueprints."

She pushed a button on the object, making it glow and hum as she waved it over the floor.

"What's that?" I said.

"Trapdoor finder," she muttered.

Jenny asked Riversong about a few people that seemed like better choices for the job of Timelord Companion. Rose Tyler, Sarah Jane Smith and Luke, Jack Harkness, and a couple other people, but she had a weird reason why each and every one of them wouldn't work.

"What planet was that green lady from, by the way?" I asked.

"Her name is Madame Vastra!" Jenny snapped in a surprisingly offended tone. "And she's not a quote-unquote `green lady', she's a _Silurian_. She's my..._friend!_"

"Madame Vastra is from earth," said Riversong.

"Really?"

"What do you know about evolution?"

"I don't believe in evolution," I said.

The two of them gave me this dirty look, like they thought I believed the earth was flat or something.

"How about a bunch of scaly intelligent reptiles living beneath the earth's crust?" Jenny said. "Been living side by side with humanity for thousands of years. What would you make of that, if it isn't evolution?"

"Um, God can make whatever He wants, I guess."

Riversong laughed. "`_A Scout is reverent_!'"

"I see," Jenny said with a roll of her eyes. "But the `_Scout is courteous_' part still needs some work."

The floor clicked open, but only a few seconds later Riversong had to brace it open with her foot.

With a little help from Jenny, she had the panel open, and, as we were all looking in, the girl popped out again, hissing like an angry cat.

A third eye opened in the middle of her forehead, and tentacles exploded from her hair as she screamed at us.

We all recoiled in shock, falling back on the floor.

The panel snapped shut again.

Groaning in frustration, we returned to our chairs, silently staring at each other.

"Now what," I said.

Riversong shrugged. "I guess we'll have to find you a new dog."

"But I don't want a new dog," I said. "I want to get back the one I had! What is she going to do with it? Eat it?"

"Possibly. But your dog is valuable. It _did_ get touched by Timelord energy."

I sighed.

Jenny gazed absently at a hologram. "I've never seen a Time Lord die before. Not without coming back."

Riversong leaned back in her seat. "Judging by what I saw, it looked like a lot of energy was still left in him."

"Maybe there wasn't enough for a full regeneration. Or even a partial one."

"I've never seen a partial," Riversong mused. "I don't think it's possible."

Jenny cocked a thumb at me and my dog. "Do you think he may have transferred some of his essence to him? To start with a blank slate, so to speak?"

Riversong eyed me with skepticism. "If he did, it must be lying dormant. He's really quite dense."

I sunk lower in my chair. "What if that thing is like his soul or something, and he went on to heaven?"

"That's what we all assume," Riversong muttered. "That's what the ceremony was about. I suppose being that his Time Lord energy was in such a weakened state, perhaps he only had the energy for that final flight."

I heard an angry shout, then watched with delight as a gray hairball squeezed through a narrow hole in a nearby wall.

"Zanie!" I cried, running to her.

With a little squeezing, the dog wiggled its way out, and I resolved to never again leave her on the floor.

Sighing in relief, I slumped back in my chair while the dog let out a nervous whine, wagging her tail.

Jenny snapped her fingers. "Clara Oswald. She could take over."

"Yes, I mean, we could have chosen her, but, well, she died trying to save the Doctor."

"But she's always dying."

"And that's really the problem. She's scattered all over time and space. We don't know where she is this time around."

"You seem to keep some very unusual friends," I remarked.

My comment was ignored.

They discussed a few more names, but none of them meant anything to me. I didn't know them from Adam. I just silently listened, sipping my soda. Zanie sniffed at it like she wanted some.

"You're not seriously going to give that to the dog, are you? The caffeine will kill it."

"No, just water, if I can find some."

She looked around. "Sorry. Maybe we'll find something in the TARDIS."

Riversong stared at her. "You're not busy?"

Jenny pretended to be looking at a watch. "No."

Riversong put her hands on her hips, giving her a skeptical look.

"Look, I heard that a time vessel requires a crew of three at the minimum."

"It's more like a suggestion."

"How did this `Doctor' die, exactly?" I asked.

"I thought being the last human being in his presence would clue you in to the cause of death," Jenny said in an offended tone.

I swallowed. "I...all I know is that he came out of the phone booth with shrapnel sticking through his chest. I have no idea about the why."

Riversong choked down a sob. "I don't want to talk about it right now."

Jenny shook her head no when I glanced her way. I sighed and drank my soda.

"Couldn't you, I don't know, go back in time and give the keys to some of these people?" I asked.

"That's cute," Jenny smiled. "But that would interrupt the entire stream of causality."

"It's been done before," Riversong remarked. 'But the keys are not important enough to merit the possible extinction of thousands of lives. It would be like going back in time to bring the Doctor back."

"And why can't we do that?" I asked.

"He's weighed all the possible outcomes. Every one of them leads to the destruction of the entire universe. Or enemy forces conquering everything. The only solution that worked involved using up his last regeneration."

I noticed tears rolling down the cheeks of my acquaintances.

"I can't believe he's gone. I just can't. and to leave this bumbling fool with the keys...who is going to save the universe now?"

"We will," said Riversong. "As a team."

"You mean you and Johnny Tenderfoot?"

"No. I mean _all of us_."

"He could have left _me_ the keys," Jenny muttered. "Or Madame Vastra."

"Your wish is my command," I said, offering the key to her. When she didn't take it, I added, "Going once?"

She shook her head. "Riversong is right. It was the Doctor's choice."

"Am I missing the party?"

I looked up and saw the scaly faced woman strolling in.

"We were just talking about you," said Jenny. "There are so many people who are better qualified to the task of keeping the TARDIS, but he gave it to this joker."

The reptile woman puffed out a short sigh. "You know, I suggested it be given to that large man the Doctor shared the apartment with, but apparently he's too busy with family."

"What about the relatives of the others? Rose's mother?"

"They're all so curmudgeony. No sense of adventure. I think that's what the Doctor really wanted."

"So," I ventured. "Can we take a look at this TARDIS thing?"

Riversong gave me a nod, then hopped to her feet, marching out the entrance.

I set Zanie down and tugged on the invisible leash, following her.

I heard heels clip clopping fast behind me, then I found a slender hand sticking a white candy bar in my face. "Here. Try this."

"What's this?" I protested.

"Just try it. It's good."

I took a bite and immediately spat it out. It tasted like coconut, refried beans, liver and bubble gum.

"Bleah," I said.

"It's Wiypama. It's a kind of...lobster."

Riversong stopped and turned around. "I remember now. The Doctor met with Baden Powell once. The founder of Boy Scouts. Probably would have started a Scout troop if he wasn't out saving the universe."

It was then that she got this expression like a light had been switched on in her head. "I just had an utterly ridiculous idea."

"What?" I said. "You want me to become some sort of Martian scoutmaster?"

She paused in thought. "Sometimes the Doctor gets fixated on some whimsical idea or another and won't let it drop. In this case, though, I'm absolutely certain that it would keep you out of trouble and not getting killed."

Little did she know that the Doctor's plans weren't exactly as simple as all that. Heck, even I didn't know how crazy things were going to get.

"Where would we hold the jamboree, then? Saturn?"

"Not unless you want your scouts to come out blackened and crispy. One of its moons, perhaps."

"Holy cow," I said. "Something I'm actually qualified for."

"Unlike saving the universe."

"Yeah."

"Wouldn't that make you the den mother or something?" Jenny joked.

Riversong frowned. "I'm not sure I like what you're insinuating."

"It's cool," I said. "Den mothers don't necessarily have to be married to the pack leader. It's just a title. Of course, that's only used in Cub Scouts."

"See?" said Jenny. "An expert."

"Yeah, well, my knot tying skills are a little flaky."

"Nobody's perfect."

"Right," I said. "So where's this TARDIS thing?"

Riversong turned back around. "Right this way, Scoutmaster Brown."

As we turned down a staircase, Zanie commenced a growling and barking frenzy.

I discovered the reason at the foot of the stairs.

The room in front of me was filled with Ood creatures.

The chamber resembled the interior of a small airplane hangar, with rows of glowing platforms lining either side. The Ood milled around these objects, some appearing to converse with one another while others peered at consoles as they typed in...whatever it was that they were typing.

I wrinkled my nose. The place smelled like rotten tuna and the faintest twinge of spoiled milk.

As I was walking past a row of these machines, I encountered an Ood leading around a great shaggy beast that appeared to be nothing but hair and chitinous legs. When the thing passed me, it sneezed, coating my shirt and pants with orange mucus smelling of rotten taco sauce.

"Oh wonderful," I groaned. "There isn't by chance a washing machine in this TARDIS thing, is there?"

"There might be," Riversong smirked. "And in the meantime, I'm sure there's an outfit your size onboard."

"Onboard." I chuckled. "You make it sound like there's space. With the three of us, I doubt there will even be room to turn around."

She laughed. "You have no idea what you're talking about."

"I guess not."

Riversong led me over to one of their consoles, muttering coordinates to the creature, and it nodded, waving for us to mount a platform.

I picked up my dog, following my guide onto the illuminated circle, and everything turned white.

I blinked, and I was standing outside the blue box, which still glowed with eerie fluctuating light as I stared at it.

Riversong touched her key to a lock on the door, and it swung open before she even used it.

"Funny," she said. "He never leaves it open."

"_Almost_ never," Jenny corrected. "It depends on his mood."

"He was dying," I said.

She stepped inside the doorway, letting out a startled gasp as she looked around.

"It changed!"

I looked over her shoulder, and found myself twice as surprised as she was.


	10. Chapter 10: Stowaways

"I never would have expected _that_!"

I was looking into a giant round room paneled in wood and leather like the inside of a door on a fancy car. Along its circuit at random intervals were a series of portholes, circular access panels, and nature scenes hung in round frames.

Red, olive green and black appeared to be the dominating color scheme. Several round hatchways appeared to lead to long corridors stretching far into the distance. It had a new car smell to it, and the faint scent of freshly cut wood.

The room was divided into three descending tiered levels, the bottommost containing a shiny red table reminding me of a Swiss army knife. The table was circular, but its color was identical to said knife, and a cluster of shiny chrome colored computer devices projected from its surface like they were the knives and corkscrews of that particular model.

As I gawked, the pictures changed in their frames, showing other nature scenes and things that looked alien were added to the mix.

Riversong marched into the room, hands on her hips. "Strange." She stomped down a tier.

"Yeah," I stammered. "Real strange. Is this like a clown car or something? Some kind of trick like making the Statue of Liberty disappear?"

"It's definitely something," she smirked. "But it's no trick."

While I stumbled down a promenade with wooden decking, taking in an oddly beautiful image of some alien deer thing prancing in a gas cloud, I tripped over a Bonsai tree.

"Those seem extremely impractical. Who is going to water all these things?" She gestured to an additional potted fern and cactus.

"Why would you set this all up in a cave? I mean, it's cool and all, putting in the trapdoor and the secret den, but..."

"You just teleported across the galaxy to the Ood planet and you're saying this is a hoax?"

I shrugged. "It's a warehouse stuck inside a phone booth. I can't rationally accept that as physically possible."

"Do you believe that a giant God the size of the universe can fit inside a tiny human body?"

"Nice try," I said. "But they use similar lines of thought in Santa Claus movies."

"I've never seen a movie where God inhabits the body of Santa Claus."

I frowned. "That's not what I meant. Just because I believe in God doesn't mean I'm an idiot. By a similar token, just because I got taken to Planet Squid and now believe in aliens doesn't mean I'll believe that this flashy stage trick is actually magic."

"Think about what you just said. Why _would_ anyone set this up in a cave? Admittedly, it would be a nice private home, judging by the descriptions of the surrounding area, but it's not at all practical, is it? And even if this were the case, why would I be showing this to you to begin with?"

"I don't know."

"We're actually inhabiting another dimension," I heard a voice saying behind me.

I jumped. Jenny apparently had removed her shoes, and, in between me talking and the throbbing of the...place, I hadn't noticed her come in.

"We're in another dimension," I repeated skeptically.

She nodded. "The phone booth is just a physical container, a link to the interior dimension. That's why it's bigger on the inside."

"Okay," I muttered. "If you say so."

I tried looking out one of the portholes, but they only showed views of the surrounding cave, so I mostly saw darkness and stalactites.

My dog had to go out, and I didn't have any newspaper ready when she decided to relieve herself.

"Definitely not TARDIS trained," Jenny muttered. "Wonderful."

"Now what?"

"Riversong!" she yelled over the noisy machinery. "Where are the cleaning supplies!"

"Got me! Everything's been moved around!"

"Why? Is the dog not TARDIS trained?"

"Exactly!"

"Lovely. Brand new TARDIS and it already smells like a pet store."

She tapped the red table, and a holographic column of amorphous blobs drifted lazily in the air above its center, looking everything like a futuristic version of a lava lamp.

She stepped behind one of the silver terminals, pushing buttons.

"Where are we going?" Jenny asked.

"Nowhere yet. I was just checking to see what is what."

"I'll search for the cleaners."

Jenny opened one of the access panels and found a grimy looking chunk of metal that resembled a distributor cap melded to a piston. She held it up for Riversong to see. "Oi! What's this now?"

Riversong looked up and frowned. "Let me see that."

She climbed the tiers, examining the thing closely. "So that's where that replacement part for the Chameleon Circuit got to!"

She snatched it out of Jenny's hands. "I've been wanting to do this for some time!"

"What's it do?" I asked.

"It makes the TARDIS a blue police box instead of disguising itself like it's supposed to."

"But that's a symbol of the Doctor!" Jenny protested. "His memory! Everyone knows it!"

"Calm yourself! If we need to make it a blue box again, we can change it back."

"Oh. Right."

"While we're on the subject," Jenny said as she pried open another panel. "Why does this whole room seem decidedly Scouting related? Surely he didn't have enough time in between saving the world and dying to spend redecorating everything to suit his last companion!"

"I have heard that the TARDIS has a life of its own, and it can sense the thoughts of its owner."

"So it remodeled itself," I said with skepticism.

"I can think of no other rational explanation. You simply don't deserve all this trouble." She put her hands on her hips, frowning at the walls. "I liked it better the way it was before."

"Yes," Riversong agreed. "It looks like a hunting lodge."

"It's not so bad," I said.

Jenny rolled her eyes. "You _would_ say that."

By then, she had opened up just about every access panel in the immediate area, and she was staring into one near the floor with some interest.

"Got it!" she cried, producing a wiggling creature with a leech face and a series of sucker legs.

Zanie growled and barked in fright, backing away.

"What the hell is that?"

"It's an Ingitba. They're all the rage on Planet Lugalel. Watch."

Zanie growled at the thing as it flopped on the urine puddle and sucked it all up, leaving spotless wood in its wake.

When the mess was gone, she picked the creature up again. "Better put this back in stasis."

And she stuffed it into the compartment she'd brought it from.

Jenny tugged the collar of her dress. "This is hot. I'm going to go change. Be back in a second."

She turned, clomping off down one of the hallways.

I opened one of the circular wall panels, staring inside.

A lot of it was wiring, strange devices I didn't recognize, but there was also a box of odd parts. Eyestalks for some kind of machine, plungers and black bubbles, a kilt, and a metal face mask with round eyes and an expressionless mouth.

I held it up over my face, showing Riversong.

She gasped, looking like she were about to fall over in a dead faint.

When she heard me chuckling, she clutched her chest in an exaggerated manner, giving me an indignant scowl. "Throw that away! It'll serve you right if that things grabs onto your face and makes you one of _them_!"

"Is there a problem?" Jenny said as she stepped back into the room, clad in a shiny black catsuit.

Riversong shook her head. "Our Boy Scout has a poor sense of humor."

"I'm not surprised," she frowned.

"Apparently he doesn't know how dangerous the Cybermen and their things really are."

The two females muttered to each other for a moment, then Jenny let out a sigh, marching up to me.

She sniffed. "You're right!" she called to Riversong. "He smells foul!"

To me, she said, "How can you stand walking around like that? You smell revolting!"

"I'm not too wild about it either," I said.

I frowned at Riversong as she took apart something underneath the console, attacking it with a device that sounded like a dentist's drill.

"Hey lady! I'm kind of getting tired of smelling like a dirty refrigerator!" I called. "Didn't you say you had extra clothes somewhere?"

She smacked her head. "Of course! How silly of me! What are your measurements?"

I opened my mouth, but she interrupted with, "No, no. Don't tell me."

Climbing up to my tier, she dug out a device that looked like a makeup compact, placing it on my shoulder.

For a moment, everything glowed, then she muttered something about large and thirty two, stomping off down a tunnel.

I sat down on the floor, rolling my eyes in annoyance as Zanie licked the smelly glop off my jeans.

Pushing her away, I got up, staring at the console.

I reached for what seemed to be an arcade joystick, but before I could touch anything, Jenny cried, "Don't you dare! The last thing I want to do is go back to the Big Bang or be a T-Rex dinner!"

"Who said the Big Bang exists?" I said.

"A man called Doppler." She pushed me back from the console. "And I'd rather not see it happen up close!"

I stepped away from there, staring at her.

She frowned. "So you believe in evolved dinosaurs, but not the Big Bang. Odd."

"It's not that I don't believe in it," I said. "It's that I think the explosion and everything that came out of it, from start to finish, was intentionally planned down to the last detail."

It took a whole minute for her to come up with a retort for that. After all, it's not a popular view.

"At any rate," she said at last. "I'd rather not meet the planner right now."

Riversong returned to the room, bearing a pile of clothing. Pinstriped brown pants, black vest, and a brown sport coat.

"Nice," I said, taking them. "I'm generally a jeans and t-shirt type of guy, but it's cool. Where do I change?"

"Things got changed around," she said. "But I believe it's this way..."

I and Zanie followed her through a hatch and down an olive colored cylindrical tunnel with white inverted Frisbee-like panels covering the walls and ceiling in honeycomb patterns, clomping up the flat wooden floor to a closed hatch.

Inside the hatch I found a gray cube with walls covered in more Frisbees, framed in fluted pillars.

After I'd changed and stepped out, I noticed a figure in black leatherette leaning through a doorway across the hall.

Okay, so maybe `notice' isn't the right word, because she noticed me noticing.

"I thought you had quite enough of a good look at things during the funeral."

"Sorry," I stammered. "You think there might be a bowl of water around here somewhere?"

She peered in the hatchway. "Perhaps."

Inside, I saw a room packed to the brim with shelves and boxes piled to the bursting point with every conceivable sort of bric-a-brac, like someone had detonated explosives in a thrift store. The items ranged from the exotic to the utterly banal, from an oozing alien head with a typewriter and a coffee machine built into it, to a Welcome Back Cotter lunch box. The place was so cramped with debris that you could hardly walk.

Jenny quickly slid the door shut again. "I suppose the maid has also died."

I just chuckled and shook my head. "This place is like a giant clown car."

"Hey!" I heard a familiar high pitched voice calling behind my back.

I whirled around and saw a familiar brown little fat faced kid in a Scout uniform. In one hand, he clutched a turkey drumstick.

Zanie let out a pitiful bark, wagging her tail in anticipation of food.

"Nick!" he cried. "Man, we were looking all over for you!"


	11. Chapter 11: Vacation

I stared at the boy in astonishment. I though I'd left him at the campground! Apparently he had found his way into this place while searching for me, though I wasn't sure if it were due to scouting skills or sheer dumb luck.

"What is this place anyway?" he said. "Some kind of funhouse?"

Jenny gawked at him. "Nick, who is this?"

"That's Harvey," I said. "He was camping with me." I frowned at his untidy appearance, the food blotches on the white shirt poking out under the overstretched Scout uniform.

"I thought the TARDIS locked itself to keep out intruders," Jenny muttered to herself. "Why not this time?"

"Got me," I said.

A few moments later, Harvey was joined by Joe, another kid from the troop, who waddled out, ogling my new female acquaintance through his wireframe glasses.

The boy was rail thin, blonde, with a narrow face and crisp high quality clothing. Honestly an odd fit for an inner city troop, but it was his dad's idea.

"Whoa!" the boy said to Jenny with a cheesy grin. "Howdy, ma'am!"

He said it straight, without faking a southern drawl. He was dorky like that.

He offered a hand. "My name is Joe Feawall. Star Scout and Junior Assistant Scoutmaster. What's your name?"

"Jenny Flint," she chuckled, returning the greeting.

He and the other kid muttered and snickered to each other as they pointed at the girl.

"So I take it everyone is at the same exact maturity level."

"Pretty much," Joe joked.

Harvey's plump features contorted in amazement. "Is she your girlfriend?"

For a split second, I and Jenny stared at each other.

"Hah!" she scoffed.

She turned her back to me, quickly stomping away.

"I didn't tell her my name," Harvey frowned.

I just shrugged.

"Hungry?" Joe asked.

Glancing into the room behind him, I could see a kitchen with a wide counter, a refrigerator and rows of cabinets. A pair of dirty plates and a tray of muffins occupied the counter.

"Maybe?" I said.

"There's some glowing salmon in the fridge. You should try it." He snorted, and I could tell he was trying hard not to laugh."

"He's crazy, man," Harvey protested. "Don't eat it. It's probably poison. Seriously, there's a bunch of food in there. They got pizza and everything. Take my advice and don't eat anything that looks weird or blinks at you."

I crept into the kitchen, staring at my surroundings.

The room had wood paneling, honeycomb patterned with inverted Frisbees and darkened portholes. The counter in the center was made of polished marble, and a pair of light fixtures made to look like Coleman lanterns shone light on the gleaming surface.

I tugged a handle on the shiny chrome fridge, peering inside.

The top shelf was occupied by a turkey and a stack of pizza boxes from a restaurant I've never heard of. I checked inside and found them to contain deep dish barbecue, supreme and pepperoni. The plate of glowing neon purple salmon sat on the shelf below, alongside Glad containers of unidentified plant matter and soup-like glop of various colors.

The bottom shelf held cartons of soy milk and a giant egg.

Kneeling down, I poked at the egg, wondering what kind of animal it belonged to.

The thing was green and it had a wrinkly texture to it.

"You think if we put it in an incubator, an ostrich would come out?" Joe asked over my shoulder.

"No, man," Harvey said. "Ostrich eggs don't look like that. I'm telling you it's a dinosaur. Remember what those eggs looked like in Jurassic Park?"

"We haven't had dinosaurs around for millions of years."

I heard this place was supposed to be a time machine, but I was still skeptical of that claim, so I didn't mention it.

"Maybe it was cloned!" Harvey said.

"It was not!"

"Was too!"

"Harvey. That was a movie. This is real life."

"Okay, okay. But it ain't no ostrich. They showed it on Animal Planet."

"Generally you don't refrigerate something you want to hatch," I said.

"If you can find an incubator, I'll put it in there just to see what it does."

"Why not use the microwave?" Harvey asked. "It's faster."

Joe burst out laughing. "You might as well use the stove."

Harvey seemed to believe him. "You think that'd be better?"

Joe rolled his eyes. "No, Harvey. No I wouldn't. Unless you want a dinosaur omelet."

He grimaced. "Great. Now you've got me saying it. I meant _emu_. _Mutant_ emu omelet."

"That wouldn't be bad," Harvey shrugged. "Want to do that for breakfast?"

"Maybe. But we should report back to the leaders first."

I took out four slices of pizza, three for me, one for my dog, seating myself in a curving art deco chair.

Joe seated himself across from me, treating himself to an ice cream sandwich. "Did you see the bowling alley yet?"

"No," I frowned, dropping a slice on the floor for Zanie to eat.

Joe nodded. "It's only got one lane, but it's got all the equipment real ones have."

"They only got Ms. Pacman and Galaga," Harvey complained.

"I saw a pool in the library. We should go get our trunks."

"I don't feel like swimmin' anymore," Harvey groaned. "We were doing that all day!"

"Who would put a pool in a library?" I muttered.

"Someone who likes wrinkled books?"

I heard the door hiss open, then a voice said, "Tea, and I wasn't invited?"

I rolled my eyes.

Before I could offer an apology, Harvey said, "What she talkin' about tea for? I don't see any tea!"

"She means lunch, stupid," my nerdy friend corrected. "She's British."

"Shoot," Harvey sighed, waving at the fridge. "Food's in there. Help yourself."

She set a large plastic bowl on the table. Its outer rim was patterned all around with Spongebob pictures.

"It's for crisps. Nachos. I found it in the bowling alley. Might make a nice dog dish."

She marched over to the fridge.

"Try the glowing salmon," Joe said with a mischievous grin. "I hear it's excellent."

"Thank you. I will." And she threw the door open, staring at the supplies.

"Oh! Zirokri! Been awhile since I had that!"

And she brought the plate of glowing fish out, sticking it into a microwave.

"So," I called in between bites of pizza. "Jenny. Where are you from? What planet?"

"Earth," she said. "Seventeenth century."

"And you know all this stuff about alien food. How?"

"I...I used to...date the Doctor, and he'd take me out places."

She didn't look at me as she said this, so I thought that maybe she was still grieving or something. Of course, the tone of voice she used seemed to betray more embarrassment than sadness.

"So, he was your...boyfriend."

"In as much as he was male and a good friend. These were friendly dates, not romantic dates."

I laughed. "I see."

"She wants you," Joe teased.

Jenny's face turned bright red. "Do not!" she just about yelled.

"She totally does," he chuckled.

"Yeah," Harvey agreed.

"For your information, little boy, your friend here is the _last person on earth_ I would actually want. Why, I've seen skeletons with bigger muscles!"

"Ouch," Harvey laughed.

Joe grinned. "I still think she wants his skeletal muscles."

"Is this how your pack normally behaves around girls?" she snapped.

"Not sure," I said as I filled the nacho bowl with water from a nearby sink. "We don't have any female scout leaders and we don't often bring girls camping with us."

"Except Randy's little sister," Joe agreed.

Randy was another scout we had in the troop. He didn't come with us on this particular campout, but the guy was a regular firebug.

His sister was about twelve years old.

I set the water dish on the floor. "Especially not ones as beaut-"

My words were suddenly drowned out by a loud thrumming sound.

"Well, tell your boys that if they keep making insinuations like this, they're going to be very s-"

Another loud thrum drowned her out.

"What was that?" I said.

"We're moving."

"We're moving?" I asked as Zanie lapped up her water. "What do you mean?"

Jenny didn't reply. She just hurriedly stomped out of the room, leaving her uneaten food in the microwave.

Joe pointed at a porthole, which now displayed a view from space. "Hey, neat! It's like one of those shows at the observatory!"

He bolted over to one, pressing his face against the glass. "Wow! This is really detailed! I wonder how they put it together?"

I stood up, handing Joe the invisible dog lead. "Would you mind watching Zanie for a minute?"

"Sure."

He frowned at the leash handle. "Where's the rest of it?"

"That's the weird part. Watch." And I demonstrated how the device worked.

Joe laughed. "That's awesome! What else does it do?"

"I don't know. I'm going to check what's going on up there. Be back in a few."

I left them in the kitchen because I still didn't believe this thing, this TARDIS, was actually capable of motion. The view out the portholes, though interesting, didn't really convince me we had gone anywhere, so I wanted to check it out for myself.

I found the two women standing around the Swiss army table, frowning at computerized diagrams lighting up the surface.

In my absence, Riversong had changed clothes. She now had on a Hawaiian shirt and a pair of khaki capris with large pockets.

"It's on a preprogrammed course," Riversong cried as her hands whipped around to various consoles and computer devices, flipping through screens and pressing buttons. "Which is impossible considering the recent renovation."

"This thing is always malfunctioning," Jenny muttered. "I remember one time we were supposed to go to a party and we ended up materializing in the back of a courtroom during the Dredd Scott case. `Fun and educational' he said it was. He didn't even do anything to help the poor man. You know, `paradoxes,' that kind of thing." She leaned over the table, resting her palms on a blank spot. "What's our destination this time?"

"Not...sure. It looks like empty space. In the year 4014."

"So we're off in space?" I said.

Jenny shrugged. "Pretty much."

It was with a mixture of skepticism and dread that I marched up to the door we originally came in, throwing it open.

Instead of seeing a cave, I saw only stars. No ground anywhere.

"Neat trick," I muttered, reaching out for what I presumed to be the projector screen.

I encountered nothing.

I stuck my foot out to where the ground should have been, but I found nothing there either.

"What is this!" I yelled.

"We're in space!" Jenny shouted from the center of the room. "Duh!"

Still skeptical, I grabbed the first thing I could find in my pocket, a little metal coin, intending to drop it off the side to see if it made a sound.

When I saw the image of Caesar on it, I hesitated, digging around to see if I could find a suitable replacement. I don't know why this Doctor guy kept such valuables floating loose in his pockets.

I came up with a double headed Washington quarter, a gold Doubloon and something that looked Babylonian. This Doctor guy seemed to not care very much about preserving antiques. I decided I'd throw the quarter.

I tossed the coin out the door, fully expecting it to drop and clatter somewhere, but it didn't. Instead it just hung there, glittering in the dark.

"I don't get it!" I called. "If we're in space, how can I open the door without having all the air and everything sucked out? And why do we still have gravity?"

"The TARDIS has a force field!" said Riversong. "And an artificial gravity machine!"

I shut the door. "This is ridiculous."

"Not as ridiculous as some of the things I've seen," Riversong remarked.

I frowned. "I heard you say something earlier about this thing reading my mind or something. What's that about?"

"The TARDIS...it's sort of alive. It seems to sense things in the Doctor. And now, that the Doctor has died, maybe it's doing the same for you, sort of growing or building itself to your liking. It's just a theory."

Suddenly, a man appeared in the room, some guy with a big head, an enormous chin and a bow tie. It didn't look like the dead guy, but I remembered seeing a similar face on the memorial video thing they showed at the funeral.

"Wait," I said. "Is that the Doctor?"

"One of his incarnations," Riversong gasped.

For a moment, the man didn't say anything. He just stared at Riversong like he were looking straight at her.

I could make out Riversong's outline through his semi-transparent form. He definitely looked like a ghost.

"What is this!" I cried. "Is he haunting us?"

Riversong frowned. "I...somehow don't think so."

She poked a finger at the figure's chest and it flickered like a malfunctioning TV set.

"Hologram," she announced. "Just like the one you saw in the lounge."

Suddenly the man clapped his hands. "Hello, Riversong and my new companion! If you are listening to this, it means, sadly, that I am no more. I imagine by this time you've had the funeral, so the time of grieving is past, right about...now!

"Yes, it is highly improbable that I am still alive but I have lived for hundreds of years, so I an not sorry at all that this overly long trip has finally ended. I have lived a full and reasonably contented life, minus a few thousand griefs and regrets weighing down my conscience, so don't grieve me any longer. Please don't. It's been a terrific ride, and I wish each of you the best. May each of your lives be joyous, fulfilling, and peaceful.

"In case you're wondering, I have the TARDIS on autopilot from the old console room, which should still exist in this place, somewhere. I wanted to surprise you with something fun. A last hurrah, if you will."

"So that explains it," Riversong muttered.

"To take your mind off my demise, I'm sending you all on an expense free vacation on the Island Princess 4000. Some R and R should do your moods a world of good.

"Oh, and about the Boy Scout. Admittedly, I don't know him that well, but my sources say his troop has too many leaders, and, well, my job has left a lot of orphans behind. Hazard of the job. I still feel bad about how I abandoned Amy Pond and other children. Even though I did my best to make things better, skipping out for two decades is not the best way to parent. _Or even teach kids how to be adults._"

"Who's Amy Pond?" I asked.

Riversong just shushed me.

The man pointed at me. "Nicholas, you, sir, should be contemplating this as you're lounging on those luxury deck chairs."

I swallowed, simultaneously horrified and intrigued by the concept of foster parenting scores of children.

"Riversong, I love you. In fact, I have always loved you. I couldn't have asked for a better wife, though it's kind of strange to marry a woman you've seen grow up from an infant. But such is the life of a Time Lord. I know I've probably said this to many of my companions, but you've saved my life more times than I can count, and I think I'm going to miss you, depending on whether I can have such thoughts wherever I end up next.

"Again, I don't want to see anyone crying. Let there be no worries, no regrets, just, go forward in all your beliefs, and I in mine, and together we will see who is right!"

His image abruptly vanished.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I said.

"Not sure," said Riversong. "But I believe he's said that very same thing to his companions before."

"I'm partial to the one Ace submitted to the memorial," Jenny muttered. "You know, the one about the world needing to be saved, and a pot of tea boiling..."

Riversong smirked. "I like that one too."

I just stared blankly at them. I had no idea what they were referring to.

"Well," Riversong breathed. "I suppose a small vacation is just what the Doctor ordered!"

"Ordinarily, I'd agree," I said. "But we've got stowaways that need to be sent back home."

"What?" Riversong cried.

As if in response, Joe stepped out of a hatchway, waving around a glowing device that emitted a high pitched hum.

A nearby panel exploded.

Riversong frowned. "Bloody hell."

"I heard you guys talking," Joe said. "We're going to the Island Princess. Wasn't that the ship on the Love Boat?"

"And what do you know about it?" Riversong asked.

"You're thinking of the _Pacific_ Princess," I said. "I don't think this is the same thing."

I shot Riversong a pleading glance. "We've got to get these kids back."

"Kids?"

Her jaw dropped when she saw Harvey marching out with a cookie in his hand.

"They've got to go back," I said. "There are Scout leaders looking for them."

"It's out of my hands. As I was telling Jenny, it's preprogrammed."

"They already sent a search party to hunt me down," I said. "Pretty soon they'll send for the police. Especially now that Joe and Harvey are MIA."

"I know," said Riversong. "The last thing I want is having these urchins onboard. But we're on a preprogrammed course and I don't know where to find the correct control unit."

Suddenly all the portholes turned gray and the whole room shook like a small earthquake had hit it.

"What was that?" I cried.

"We're here."


	12. Chapter 12: Engine Room

"I still don't understand," Riversong said with a frown. "How did you kids even get onboard?"

Joe smirked. "The scoutmaster sent us to search the entire area. Using my Indian tracking skills, I was able to figure out generally where Nick ran off to, down here, in this cave."

He said this like it were a completely ordinary thing.

"I saw the blue box with the open door, and thought he was in here, so Harvey and I took a look around. We couldn't find him, so we went bowling and ate lunch."

"You said we're here," I said. "Where's here?"

"The Island Princess. What else?"

"This is going to be lovely," I groaned. "When we get back, the police will be searching the area. They'll have pictures of me and those kids on TV for an Amber Alert."

"Amber Alert is only for missing children," Joe corrected.

"Okay. Whatever. It's not important. The point is, they'll declare us missing and start a search."

"Oh, I'm sure they'll have forgotten about it right now," Riversong breathed.

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because two thousand years have passed. We're in the year 4000."

"That's impossible," said Joe. "If you traveled that far past the end of your life, you'd be dust!"

"Time is more flexible than that."

Without a further word, Riversong marched up to the door, threw it open, and marched out.

I followed her, stopping at the opening to stare at my surroundings.

Instead of space, I saw an enormous gray room, cluttered with dripping, steam blowing pipes connected to massive glowing canisters that vibrated everything each time their light fluctuated.

The air was thick with the smells of oil and solvents, making me wonder if I should be wearing a face mask.

I tugged on Zanie's leash.

I was standing between two giant machines lined with transparent tubes where long piston shafts slowly rose and fell, causing brilliant bursts of multicolored light as they collided with plates.

"Definitely not Health and Safety approved," Joe muttered through a multicolored scarf he'd pilfered from somewhere.

"Are you sure it's safe to breathe?" Harvey asked.

"I don't know, but if the dog dies, the air isn't breathable."

"Don't be mean to Zanie!" Harvey cried.

"Should we put her back in the..." I turned around and frowned. Instead of seeing a phone booth, I only saw a big submarine hatch leading into the room with the portholes and the Swiss Army table. "TARDIS?"

"Relax," Riversong said. "This is only the engine room. The air should be much more breathable up top."

"And where is up top?" Jenny asked.

Riversong only shrugged and marched off in a random direction.

I glanced back at the submarine hatch again. "Didn't that thing used to be a telephone booth?"

"She fixed the chameleon circuit," Jenny said with a shrug. "By the way, this means your inheritance is canceled."

"Unless the will has a chameleon circuit," I said hopefully.

"As if!"

I saw Riversong reach into a pocket, and the hatch seemed to close on its own accord.

It was warm. The machines radiated a lot of heat. I took off my tweed jacket, folding it under my arm.

"Nice duds," Joe muttered. "What corpse did you take them from?"

"The Doctor's," I said.

"Doctor who?"

"I don't know," I said. "Nobody seems to be able to tell me that one."

The forceful stamping of a lumbering giant caused me to suck in my breath.

Considering my vicinity to the creature, thus proved to be a bad idea. It smelled like several unbathed men covered in sewage.

The behemoth was a pale pasty white, with muscles as wide as a tire. It faced away from me, wholly absorbed in the operation of whatever machinery it was operating with its four fingered hands.

It had on a thick leather apron and black shorts, but nothing else on account of the heat.

I almost screamed when I saw four more of its kind working next to it.

None of them looked at me or my companions. They only focused on their singleminded purpose of machine maintenance.

It was Riversong who had the bright idea of poking one of them on the thigh.

In her defense, we were all far too short to tap the thing on the shoulder.

It didn't turn.

"Oi! Hullo there! Which way is the passenger lounge?"

The creature turned around and I screamed.

The thing had no mouth.


	13. Chapter 13: The Island Princess

The thing had eyes, a slotted bump for a nose, but no mouth, only a small round socket, which one of its comrades immediately hooked a hose to.

A dull cow-like expression appeared on the colorless face as it sucked on the hose for a few moments, resuming its work on the machinery, pulling levers and pressing buttons.

Zanie broke into a growling and barking frenzy, kicking back imaginary territorial dirt, but the beast paid her no attention.

"Talkative bunch," Jenny muttered. "Let's keep going."

"Are you sure this is safe?" I cried. "These guys look dangerous."

The creature put its hose away.

"They're not," Riversong said. "As you can see, they're wholly obsessed about keeping the ship going."

"What the hell are those things?"

"Gorxutts. Genetically engineered servants. Not very bright, but they know how to follow orders."

"Whose orders?"

"Why, the captain, of course."

"It seems inhumane."

"There are laws regarding their care and rest. We can ask the captain about it once we're up top."

"See?" Joe muttered to Harvey, pointing at one of the big guys. "Drake's Equation."

Harvey shook his head. "Man, that ain't no alien! That's just some really messed up guy!"

Joe chuckled and shook his head.

Riversong frowned at the flashing dials.

"Do you know what they're doing?" I asked.

"Running the Interstellar Overdrive."

"That's a Pink Floyd album," I said.

"Okay, so I don't know what it is they're running. My guess it's either a Plasma Drive or a Hydrogen Acceleration Drive, though I don't know why a hydrogen engine would be this grimy."

"It's a String Engine!" Joe shouted with an air of pride.

"Oh?" Riversong frowned. "And how would you know?"

He wiped grime off of a rusty metal plaque. "It says `String Drive.' See?"

"Ah."

"I always thought strings were theoretical," my nerdy friend continued. "They talked about them in Popular Science. They're supposed to connect some kind of super subatomic particles together or something." He shrugged. "In theory, that _would _be a lot more powerful than nuclear fission. If it worked."

"Well," Riversong said. "Now that _that's _established, let's go find the lounge, shall we?"

At the end of the machines, we at last found a metal staircase, marching up and out a submarine door.

On the other side we found a hallway like you'd find in a hotel, with rows of security locked doors and a plush red carpet. The wallpaper, the carpet pattern and the portholes all had a decidedly nautical theme.

I glanced at Joe. "You don't happen to have a watch, do you?"

He pulled a train engineer's watch out of a pocket on his uniform. "It's six o' clock. Why?"

I frowned. "No reason."

The heavy vibrations of the engine room had tapered off into a barely noticeable tingle, turning into a soft purr only when I touched the walls and wooden trim with my fingertips.

We were stopped by a robot.

I'd never seen a robot before in real life. The closest thing I ever came to it was the big mechanical arm they used to stack boxes in the Palmolive factory I worked in.

Unlike that one, this robot was weird, more cleverly designed to look like a person.

Well, _person like_. It had humanlike arms and legs, but its face was modeled after a cartoon penguin. It was amusing and creepy at the same time, like a mechanical clown.

For a moment, its bulging ping pong eyes just blinked at me with their half spherical plastic lids as it made that soft rattling sound computers make when you're copying a huge file onto the desktop.

At last it spoke. Its voice was like that of a man on a car commercial. "Identification bracelets, please."

"Uh..." I stammered.

Joe held out an arm bedecked with a red bracelet.

The robot blinked, then nodded. "Doctor Party, Guest Four of four."

I stared at the boy. "Where'd you get that?"

"It was lying on the red table. I thought it might come in handy."

Riversong waved her own bracelet at it.

"Guest One of four. Three persons and canid lifeform unidentified."

Riversong pulled a cluster of small red bracelets out of her pants pockets, handing one to each of us. She even affixed one around Zanie's neck.

I and Harvey were identified as guests Two and Three.

"How did this Doctor guy know about our stowaways?" I asked.

"He didn't," she smiled. "It's a special once a year promotion. Registered passengers are allowed one additional guest and one pet for free."

The robot paused in front of Jenny for a moment. "Registered pet. Guest 1 concession."

She smirked at Riversong. "Is there something you wish to tell me?"

The woman suddenly looked red and flustered. "No no. Not my idea. The Doctor clearly didn't expect so many people, that's all. Someone is going to have to be the second dog, or sleep in the TARDIS."

Before I could properly react, Jenny snatched the bracelet off my arm, thrusting the dog bracelet into my hands.

"Hey!" I cried.

"You have your choice of couches to sleep upon," Riversong muttered. "Unless you prefer the floor."

"How do you know they have a couch?" I asked.

"I don't."

"Would you like for me to give you a tour?" said the robot.

"Sure," I muttered.

"I do not take commands from pets," it replied.

I groaned in frustration.

"Tour please," Jenny grinned.

And so we followed the penguin around the place, listening to the robot's unvarying announcer's voice rattling off facts about the history of the spaceship, its distance from planets I'd never heard of, etcetera.

The ship had a video arcade, casino, sauna, masseuse, a ballroom, gift shop, and a very elaborate hydroponics garden tended by little black squid creatures.

Like the funeral, the Island Princess was full of weirdoes, space aliens, and strange people.

When we approached the spa, I heard something explode, and the entire ship trembled like an earthquake had hit it. Everyone stumbled and fell to the floor.

As I shakily rose to my feet, I noticed a green gas pouring out every air vent in the nearby area.

"Gas!" Riversong cried. "We're being gassed!"

"Not programmed for decontamination function," the robot muttered, sounding unpleasantly cheerful about the situation.

Riversong broke into a run. "Quick! Back to the TARDIS!"

The problem was, the TARDIS was clear on the other end of the ship.

Regardless, we all took this as a cue to flee. I picked up my fat dog and hustled down the hallway.

Jenny quickly caught up with her, then passed her buy, but the rest of us lagged behind. Harvey, being overweight and out of shape, tried to keep up, but was always at least a yard behind Joe, and twice that distance behind me.

"Summoning Emergency Hazard Units," the robot called, but it was too late. My head was swimming, and everyone else looked groggy as they staggered ahead in a desperate search for safe ground.

As we reached the pub at the end of the hallway, we all succumbed to fatigue, collapsing on the deck.


	14. Chapter 14: Captain Salty's

I awoke to a furry muzzle licking me in the face.

It was apparent that I had been unconscious. For how long, I couldn't tell.

Groaning, I turned on my side just in time to catch an amusing sight.

It seemed Harvey was in the habit of blindly groping people in his sleep.

Somewhere during our unscheduled trip through slumberland, he had rolled over, throwing his arm and leg over Joe's sleeping form, drooling on his shoulder.

The striped scarf, I noticed, hung loose around Joe's face, indicating that it wasn't a good gas mask.

For a moment, the two coexisted peacefully this way, but then Joe's eyes snapped open, and he let out a cry of disgust, pushing the big kid off of him.

"Ugh! Gross! Go drool on someone else's shoulder, you pervert!"

Still not quite awake, Harvey just mumbled incoherently.

"Harv. I am _not_ that kind of guy!"

"Man, it's not my fault! I was asleep!"

"_Sure! Likely story!_"

"Dude, shut up!"

For a moment, my eyes traveled the curve of Jenny's outfit, but I quickly looked away when she started moving.

"Did someone get the ID of that Brougham that hit me?" I heard her moan as she pulled herself into a sitting position against a wall.

Riversong staggered to her feet. "Something's not right."

"You mean other than how the TARDIS didn't lock itself up before those boys sneaked onboard?" Jenny said.

"No, I'm beginning to think that part was all right. He _did_ include a Boy Scout in his will, after all. I think the TARDIS sensed that. Either that, or it was the fact the Time Lord was dying at the time." She sighed. "No, this is something else entirely. Something off."

She pulled out the little socket wrench looking thing. The top part glowed green and it made a sound like a dentist's drill as she waved it around, pointing at various portions of paneling and a fire extinguisher case.

She sighed. "Nothing." 

"What were you expecting?" I asked.

"I don't know. Hostile alien technology. A tear in the universe. Something. Anything."

She frowned at the device. "I wish I knew more about how to adjust the settings on this thing."

"How about gas?" I said. "Can it detect gas? What was that stuff? And who put it there?"

"I don't know. But I certainly intend to find out!"

Near the entrance to the pub, I noticed a statue of a strange looking robot with a stocky child-like body and an enormous head with crystals poking out in all cardinal directions.

I pointed to it. "What's that?"

"That's a Quark," Riversong said. "They're a kind of robot that used to menace the galaxy, like Daleks."

"Nine quarks for Master Mark," Joe grinned.

"What?" I said.

"The word `quark' comes from a book. I can't remember which one, I just remember the quote."

"_Finnegan's Wake_," Riversong muttered.

"Oh. Right."

"Is anyone in need of medical assistance?" the robot said.

"We're fine."

Jenny wobbled to her feet. "I'm starved. Judging by the smells, I'd say that this pub serves food."

"We just passed a banquet hall," I said.

"I also want a drink."

"None for me, thank you," Riversong muttered. "I feel like I've been drinking Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters all night." And she walked off.

"What time is it?" I asked Joe.

Joe glanced at his watch. "Seven P.M."

I frowned. If it had only been an hour, I wouldn't have been nearly as hungry as I was at the moment. "Are you sure that's the correct time?"

"Time is relative to one's position in space," Joe smirked. "Plus somebody could have messed with it when we were all unconscious."

"I shouldn't be hungry," I said. "I just ate."

"The tour _was_ kind of long. And before that we were hanging out in that engine room for who knows how long..."

The `pub' actually was sort of a bar and grill. The interior resembled a Captain D's, its walls plastered with all kinds of nautical bric-a-brac, old steering wheels from boats, paintings of men in antique scuba gear battling Kraken, and a real old fashioned metal diving suit stood near the door like a medieval knight in armor.

It smelled of alcohol and fried food. Seafood. Barbecue. Burgers. Fries. My favorite kind of smells.

As for the patrons, well, I guess even the creatures from Star Wars had to unwind at some point. I saw a humanoid fruit bat thing, an ugly snail creature, and a purple woman with ear flaps like a dog, among other strange beasts.

"See?" Joe said, pointing in the doorway. "Drake's Equation! There are _actual space aliens_ in there!"

Harvey shook his head. "Man, I don't know. This is just some screwed up dream I'm having. Maybe I shouldn't have eaten them M&M's before bed."

"C'mon Harv! You didn't dream about camp, did you?"

"I..._don't know._"

Joe shook his head in frustration.

When I stepped through the doorway, Joe and Harvey tried to follow me in, but they were stopped by the robot.

"Children under eighteen are not permitted in Captain Salty's without parental guardian consent."

The two frowned at me for a moment.

"However, nourishment can still be derived from the dinner buffet in the banquet hall. I will happily guide you in the proper direction."

The two shrugged and followed it down the hallway.

I led my dog into the pub, nervously waiting for someone to say pets weren't allowed there, but nobody said anything. Setting the leash handle on the bar, I seated myself on a stool, thumbing through a menu.

Zanie let out a pitiful whine. When I looked down, I noticed she had this expression like I were holding the leash too high in the air. I sighed.

"You can adjust the length," Jenny said as she flicked a lever on the handle a bit.

Zanie relaxed.

"There." And she petted my dog on her head.

Hearing the end of a Beatle's song playing on the music system, I gave Jenny a suspicious glance. "If we're in space, and these are aliens, why do they listen to oldies?"

"Why not?" Jenny smirked.

Before I could utter a protest, she said, "A few thousand years have passed. Maybe they've picked up a few things from Earth, for novelty's sake."

"Long Island iced tea," she called to a green four armed lady behind the bar. "I'm not sure what that is, but it sounds good."

"Your wish is my command."

Jenny smirked at this comment, but said nothing.

The bartender had no lips, and a pair of curving tusks framing the sides of her face. I gawked at her until she gave me an annoyed roll of the eyes.

I'd already met a bunch of squid people, some mouthless ogres and a whole slew of other bizarre lifeforms, so I soon thought nothing of it.

"Anything to eat?" she asked us.

Jenny opened her menu. "I'm looking."

"You sir?"

I stared at the menu for a moment and found they served all kinds of food, not just seafood. "There's no prices."

"Yes sir. It's part of the cruise expense."

"Right," I grinned. "Riblets, please."

She frowned at my bracelet. "We don't serve pets."

Jenny laughed.

I crossed my arms indignantly. "Do I look like a pet?"

She nodded. "I've seen your kind classified as pets before. The Nuserju, for example, have such pets. I get in trouble if I don't have owner consent."

I shook my head in frustration. "Where did you even get the idea that I was a pet?"

"The symbol designation on your band," she said, gesturing to the bracelet. "I'm sorry, sir. Owner consent required."

I glanced at Jenny. "A little help?"

She grinned. "Beg."

I shook my head. "Seriously?"

I got off my stool, intending to seek out Riversong or someone else who could do something about the bracelet.

"Oh fine," Jenny sighed. Looking up at the server, she said, "Madam, I give full consent for..._this dog_ to get anything it wants."

The green lady leaned over the counter. "Which one? The one on the floor or the one standing?"

"Both of them," Jenny laughed.

The green lady muttered something to a five foot eyeless yellow lizard, who nodded and scampered off into the kitchen behind the bar.

With a sigh, I climbed back on the stool.

"Thanks," I muttered.

She just giggled and sipped her drink.

Jenny called to the green lady, asking for quesadillas before returning her attention to me.

"Is it true what they say about Boy Scouts?"

I narrowed my eyes. I could guess where this was leading, but I didn't want to assume anything.

"And, pray tell, _what do_ they say about Boy Scouts?"

"Oh come off it. You know what I mean. About all of them being homosexual, of course."

I stared at her in disbelief. "You...think _I'm_ gay. That's why you're asking, isn't it?"

She gave me this look like she agreed. "You were in a great big crowd of naked women and you deliberately avoided looking at any of them."

"I have religious reasons not to. I actually like women."

"You sure had me fooled."

"Yeah?" I said. "Then why did you chide me for staring at you?"

She paused. "You stared at me more when you saw me wearing this."

She tugged on the collar of her cat suit.

"I think you just wanted to try it on."

I shook my head, shocked to the point of speechlessness about what I was hearing.

The yellow creature came out with Jenny's quesadillas and a dog dish full of riblets for me. I was too shocked to even think about eating at the moment.

"It's okay," Jenny smiled, patting me on the back. "I'm not prejudiced. Your lifestyle is your choice."

I pointed out another hole in her argument. "At the funeral you complained that my eyes kept going downwards."

That didn't phase her. "Maybe you're a little bi. But not very much. Mostly gay, I think."

"I'm not gay!" I cried. "You're crazy!"

I thought about saying something flattering to her about her body, you know, because I was thinking about it, but I wasn't sure how that would be taken, so I bit my tongue.

Sighing heavily, I just shook my head and stared at the table. "Unbelievable."

From somewhere, I heard the strains of Pink Floyd's _Wish You Were Here, _but the words were different, sung in some foreign language I couldn't decipher. Music had been playing continuously since I'd entered, but I only now noticed it.

I frowned at my dog dish full of riblets and steak fries. The riblets were plain, devoid of barbecue sauce, you know, because I am the dog. The steak fries also had no seasoning. I actually had to ask for sauce and coat them myself. This all seemed to be a source of endless amusement for my dining companion.

I gave Zanie a handful of fries and a couple riblets. Jenny in turn tossed my dog one of her quesadillas.

"I just gave her a pizza," I muttered. "She's going to get _so fat_."

She just shrugged indifferently. "You're the one that's feeding her riblets."

"Looks like she's going to be going on a lot of walks."

She smirked. "So. Back to the original topic. You're a closet gay."

"No," I said. "I'm not any kind of gay. I like women, okay? Not men."

"Sure, sure," she teased.

"Homosexuality is against my religion," I added.

"Well mine doesn't," she said.

"What are you trying to say?"

"Nothing. I'm just saying you have some repressed sexuality issues, and maybe if you got some of them resolved, you'd be a better person."

"More like a worse person," I muttered.

Before I could argue further, or ask what brand of religion she had, I noticed a woman with an exposed brain and tentacles coming out of her head seating herself next to Jenny.

The woman had only one eye, and she wore a pink party dress and heels. She seemed to be missing part of her skull, and glistening tentacles dangled from the sides of her exposed brain, flowing like willow fronds with each graceful movement.

Jenny cocked a thumb at her. "There's a girl for you," she mocked.

Ironically, as we made eye contact, the sound system just happened to be playing the part in the song that goes, `We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year...'

I shuddered.

Was this the face from my vision? I didn't even want to think about it.

"That freak? Ugh! No way!"

The woman turned toward me, looking depressed, her ruby lips shaped in a pout. Moisture appeared to be gathering around the corners of her cyclops eye.

She hopped off her chair suddenly, stomping out of the room.

"That was mean," Jenny said, sipping her drink.

I figured she was just an ugly mutant, so I didn't care. I didn't say this aloud because I thought I was already getting a lot of negative brownie points as it was.

Of course, I still ended up saying the wrong thing at the wrong moment.

As I watched her eat the last quesadilla and dig into a bow of tortilla chips, I asked her, "Aren't you afraid your outfit is going to rupture?"

"It stretches," she frowned. "Believe me, letting you see it rupture would be the last thing I'd do."

She paused. "Are you saying I'm getting fat?"

"No," I blurted. "I'm not that judgmental about that sort of thing anyway."

Jenny laughed. "As if I cared what you thought."

I glanced at the gold band on her finger. "Is that a wedding ring?"

"It might be."

She didn't elaborate.

"So where's the husband?"

"None of your business."

I sighed. "Fine." And I looked away.

The bartender just chuckled at me.

I finished eating at got up, leading Zanie to the exit.

When I neared the ancient scuba suit, Zanie suddenly went nuts, growling and barking and scratching the polished oak floor.

As I stepped through the doorway, I found out what she'd been barking at.

I collided with the black space suit of a surly looking creature with the face of a box turtle.

The accidental bump knocked the leash handle out of my hand, and, to my surprise, my dog was able to drag it around by her collar like it were a real leash. I guess it was also a telekinetic leash.

She ran off down the corridor before I could stop her. For a fat dog, she was quick.

I tried to go around Turtle Face, but before I could escape, the guy grabs me by the scruff of my neck and yells, "Watch where you're going, you ugly piece of slag!"

I thought about saying something smart, but my dog was getting away.

"Sorry!" I yelled. "It won't happen again!"

Glancing back, I noticed that Jenny wasn't going to run to my aid anytime soon. I sighed.

"Really, sir. It was an accident."

"Do it again, and it'll be the last accident you'll ever make."

He let go, shoving me to the floor.

I quickly got back up, brushing myself off, and hurried out into the hallway.

I just barely caught the sight of a fluffy gray tail as it disappeared up a staircase at the end.

Not wanting to lose her, I forced myself to run as quickly as I possibly could, trying to ignore the indigestion that came from exercising so soon after eating.

To my chagrin, it was not Zanie at all, but a woman with a long gray tail.


	15. Chapter 15: Doggone It

The woman on the staircase had hair like jellyfish stingers, a bearded face of a Scottish terrier, and goat's eyes. A pair of coral horns protruded from her head. Despite the shapely face and figure, I wasn't sure if I should address it as a male or a female.

The gray tail hung from a donut shaped ring of fabric on the back of her long blue ball gown.

"Excuse me," I said, deliberately avoiding the pronouns. "Have you seen a fat little dog running around here?"

"What's a dog?" the creature said in a feminine voice.

I rolled my eyes. "Four legs. Hairy. Pants and slobbers a lot. Seen one in the last minute or so?"

"Sounds like my last husband."

"Dog gone?" A voice asked over my shoulder.

I glanced back and saw a familiar face in a catsuit.

"Yeah," I said. "Zanie ran off when I bumped into that guy. Any particular reason why you care?"

Jenny nodded. "You have a cute dog."

"I lost my dog," I told the stranger in front of me. "Seen any dogs around?"

The alien looked confused. "Dog?"

"Little gray thing," Jenny said. She held up her hands about a foot from each other. "Yay big. Hairy. Walks on all fours. Seen it?"

The lady clapped her hands together, making a silent laugh. "So that was your baby!" she exclaimed.

"No," Jenny frowned.

"She's so adorable. I've had a few of them myself. Always getting in trouble. Is that your only one, or are there others?"

"That's the only one," I said, impatient to find my dog.

"We are not its parents," Jenny protested. "I don't even like this guy."

Ignoring her, I told the lady, "Please, can you help me find my baby?"

The woman laughed. "Newlyweds."

"Definitely not!" Jenny cried.

"Please," I persisted. "My baby might hurt herself. I need to find her."

She nodded. "I understand completely. Your baby went up the stairs and around the corner on B Deck." She pointed up the stairs.

"Thank you."

Jenny elbowed me hard. "Not cool!"

"Yeah," I grinned. "But practical."

The decks were labeled with English and non-English symbols. B Deck was two floors above us, and it looked identical to the other two we left.

I didn't see Zanie anywhere, so we resorted to asking a robot with a head designed to look like a teddy bear.

The robot waved down the hall a bit and pointed to one of the doors, announcing the location of their complimentary babysitting services.

The door had been left partway open. I merely had to push and it swung inwards, revealing a spacious hotel-like cabin with a queen bed and fine oak dressers that smelled like computer component packaging and old chicken.

My dog was clutched in the flipper-like hands of the tentacled cyclops lady, nervously wagging her tail and licking the creature in the face.

"Oi," Jenny muttered, giving me a playful jab. "It's your girlfriend."

I wrinkled my face in disgust. "She is not!"

That's when I noticed the knife clutched in the alien's left flipper.


	16. Chapter 16: The Dominators

"Hey! What's that knife!" I yelled. "What are you doing to my dog!"

Surprised, she threw it aside. "This isn't what it looks like!"

"I think it's exactly what it looks like! What, did you not get enough to eat downstairs? Cutting yourself a few slices of meat for a doggy sandwich?"

I yanked Zanie out of her arms.

"I wasn't going to hurt her," the creature protested.

"Sure you weren't. You were just cutting some cheese slices for her. But wait. Where's the cheese?"

I didn't let her reply. I just stomped out with my dog.

For reasons still unknown, the leash followed me.

I thought I heard sobbing behind me, but I pretended to ignore it. I figured a serial killer can cry when he doesn't get his way, too.

As I'm nearing the end of the hallway, my foot bumps something, and my entire body goes limp as an electrical current runs through me. I collapse on the floor.

"Nick!" Jenny cries, dropping to my side. "Are you okay?"

Suddenly my pulse starts back up and I'm gasping and clutching my chest as my body struggles to re-establish equilibrium. No, it wasn't the power of love that saved me, or anything romantic like that, my body just happened to start back up on its own.

When I finally feel normal again, I catch a glimpse of a tentacled head ducking back inside a door frame.

I walked my dog down the hallway, arriving at the "sun deck", a large open area with a pool and rows of deck chairs beneath an enormous glass dome looking out into space. The view was spectacular, and it emphasized quite well how we were not on earth.

Many of the chairs were occupied by crab creatures the size of small people, with shells of orange and blue coloration. Their lower bodies were like that of scorpions. Most of them just lay there like lumps, but a few of them were drinking out of containers specially designed for mandibles, or poking buttons on little tablet computers. Beyond them, I could see a pale horse thing with a human head wading around in a pool. It was so weird I had to laugh.

Suddenly I noticed a familiar scaly face sunning itself with reflectors. The effect would have been comical had the ceiling not been ringed with an arrangement of a huge sort of tanning lamp.

The reptile now wore a bright yellow bikini with red trim. The damp and the towel seemed to indicate she'd been swimming.

"Scales!" Jenny cried.

The reptile put the mirror aside and they hugged, muttering and giggling to one another.

"How'd you get here?" I asked.

"The Ood, of course," Madame Vastra replied. "This was mentioned in the will, had you been paying attention."

"And what about the part that says I'm a dog?"

"It's not the Doctor's fault you had stowaways," Jenny smirked.

"You had what?" Vastra demanded.

"He has two Boy Scouts with him. They sneaked on board the TARDIS during the funeral."

"Oh dear," Vastra sighed. "And it's one invite per guest." She shrugged. "No matter. We'll figure something out."

A figure in a red swimsuit was seated in the chair next to her. Concealed by a large sun hat, I didn't recognize who it was until she tilted it back and grinned at me.

Riversong.

"Don't tell anyone, but the bracelets are fake," she said. "I'm thinking that this is more of a mission than a vacation."

"If I knew that," Jenny said. "I could have invited Strax!"

"Well you didn't. I just got the FYI a few seconds ago when I accidentally bumped the bracelet. My advice: Be very careful when and where you use them."

I swallowed. "Thanks for the heads up."

"So..." I said, staring at the dome. "We're actually, like, thousands of miles from earth."

"Light years," Riversong corrected. "Millions of light years."

I pointed at the glass. "Where is earth up there?"

"Nowhere. You need to be standing on the south deck to see it." She paused. "Aft, in other words."

She sat up and stretched. "Well! I think I'll go downstairs and play some billiards." And she marched down the opposite hallway.

"How is Zanie taking all this?" Vastra asked.

I frowned. I couldn't figure out how she knew my dog's name, but I figured there were a lot of things I wasn't being told.

"Just fine," I said. "But I had to rescue her from a killer alien."

"There's a Human Dalek on board," Jenny explained. "She had a knife."

Vastra shook her head. "Odd." She let out a breath. "Have you eaten yet?"

She wasn't looking at me, but I said yes anyway.

"She was talking to me," Jenny snapped.

"Still yes," I said. "I saw you eat."

"Well I haven't," reptile lady said. "See you in the banquet hall, or possibly the ballroom. I haven't decided what I want to do next."

She folded her mirror and strolled off.

"Mmm mmm," I heard Jenny murmuring. I figured she just had chest congestion or something.

"Is this your boy?" I heard a gruff voice shouting.

Whirling around, I saw a big muscular furry creature dragging Joe by his ear.

The head of this creature resembled a badger, but its eyes were set on eye stalks. It was dressed in the white nautical uniform I was used to seeing crew members wearing on _The Love Boat_. Formal white sailor's uniform top with black stripes, tie, gay little shorts. The effect would have been humorous had the creature not been so thickly muscled.

"Not bad," Jenny said with a low whistle. "If I were in to that sort of thing."

The creature dragged Joe closer, pointing a finger at me threateningly. "This yours?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "I claim him. What's up."

The badger thing pulled out a package of small glowing cones. "_That's_ what's up. Look familiar?"

Jenny frowned. "No? Why should they?"

"Your little friend here's been smuggling them. It seems, aside from hitching an unauthorized ride on our cruise, he also peddles Bocko."

Jenny stared at Joe like he actually had done such a thing.

"Don't look at me! A kid with the bird face gave them to me! I thought they were fireworks!"

I swallowed. "So this is a drug, I take it."

"What do you think it is!" Mr. Badger Bug growled.

"Sir," I said. "My friend doesn't do drugs. He doesn't sell them either. You see, the Boy Scouts..."

"Even if I did believe you," the creature growled. "Which I don't, there's also the matter of the fake ID bracelets..."

"That's impossible!" Jenny cried as convincingly as she could. "The Doctor paid for that out of his own pocket!"

"No, ma'am. I'm afraid not. His passenger bracelet is a forgery."

"I'm sorry sir," I said. "I didn't know. The, uh, guy that gave them to me...must have lied or something."

The eyes narrowed even further on their eye stalks. "I think you all might be lying. Let's see them, one by one."

I didn't want to do it. I knew it meant trouble.

The creature pulled out something that looked suspiciously like a gun. The thing was, it also looked suspiciously like a toy, so I just stared dumbly at the weapon until Jenny grabbed my arm and waved it at the creature.

"See?"

She had done this at a speed too fast for the badger thing to get a good look at it.

He wasn't fooled. He pulled the trigger on his weapon, blowing up a section of floor tiling in front of my feet.

"Shit!" I cried.

"Stop playing games and show them."

With a sigh, I held up my bracelet.

The badger thing laughed. "So you're the pet! Who's the master?"

"I am," Jenny blurted.

I stared at her in shock. "So now you own up to it?"

"Shut up."

She showed the creature her bracelet.

He frowned. "Fake. Just like the other one."

He clicked an insignia on his uniform. "Gig. This is Kirwan. Three stowaways found. Fake ID bracelets. Request backup-"

The moment the word came out of his mouth, Jenny knocked his gun away with a wheel kick, swept his feet out from under him, and ripped the insignia off his uniform.

"Gig, cancel that request. The ID checks out with headquarters."

She struck Kirwan in the head, knocking him unconscious.

A few seconds later, I saw a thin brunette woman and a crab badger policeman running toward us from the nearby hallway, firing laser weapons that blew pieces off the walls and floor.

Since we couldn't go in the direction they came from, we turned and ran the other way as laser beams blew up empty lawn chairs and frightened starbathers.

Near the entrance to the other hallway, we reached another impasse. A female looking looking badger thing and another male with one discolored eye were coming after us with their own laser guns.

Cornered, we could only raise our hands and wait to be escorted...off the ship or wherever they decided to take us.

The small woman came closer.

She was dressed in a uniform that appeared to have been taken directly out of the Darth Vader style book. A vaguely Nazi-like half Nehru jacket tunic thing and black slacks, both straight as cardboard. Black officer's cap, epaulets, black gloves. Her stiff posture and unfriendly facial expression made it that much more intimidating.

"Clara?" Jenny cried.

The woman frowned. "Do I know you?"

"You're Clara the Impossible Girl," Jenny said. "You know the Doctor. I'm one of the Doctor's friends."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said. "How do you know my name, and what's this impossible thing about?"

Jenny shook her head. "The Doctor said you always act like this."

"Again, I have no clue what you're talking about, but I do know that we have very strict rules about stowaways. I'm afraid you're going to have to stay in the brig until we can land and deliver you to the proper authorities."

"Clara! It's me, Jenny!"

"You must be a spy. There is no other way you could know my name. Vuigen government does not treat spies very lightly."

Jenny glanced at me. "You. Dog and your little pal. Chairs. Now."

"What?"

She then wrestled the gun out of a badger thing's paws, firing a shot into its stomach and turning the weapon on the female of its species. Both collapsed to the floor with smoking craters in their body.

"Forgive me, Doctor," she muttered, aiming at the guard with the mismatched eyes.

Before she could fire again, Clara drifted over to Jenny and knocked the weapon away.

The badger fled the area, yelling something into his communications device and the two women kicked and punched each other for a moment. Jenny knocked her to the floor, but she wasn't going down easily.

"Cat fight!" Joe laughed.

I tugged on his sleeve. "Where's Harvey?"

Joe shrugged. "I don't know."

"Buddy system?" I prompted.

"So I screwed up!" he blurted indignantly. "I thought we were in a cruise liner, not a forest!"

I sighed.

Suddenly, a shiny chrome post appeared out of nowhere. The thing was tipped by an enormous orb covered in glowing crystals.

"Release Agent Clara at once!" it cried in a shrilly voice. "Do not resist or we will use force!"

Jenny ignored the glowing thing, landing another punch to Clara's face. Her face looked a bit puffy at this point.

A panel on the chrome post opened, and a laser beam blasted Jenny in the back. She slumped across Clara's chest.

Frightened, I snatched up my dog and dove behind a beach chair, which exploded shortly afterward.

I hurriedly darted behind another.

The chrome thing popped into existence right in front of me.

"Do not resist us!" it shouted.

And then a cluster of mechanical tentacles popped out, flailing all around as if preparing to whip me.

Frightened, I stumbled backwards and fell in the swimming pool.

Once I had resurfaced, I found Clara and two of those machine things pointing weapons at me.

I raised my hands in surrender.


	17. Chapter 17: The Brig

"Get out of the pool now and come with us!" Clara shouted.

The moment I set Zanie in the pool gutter, she clambered out and fled from me.

As Joe turned to catch it, a panel on one of the chrome things slid open, and a spray of shrapnel obliterated my dog.

"Zanie! No!" I screamed.

"Out!" Clara repeated.

"Hey! That was my dog!"

"You'll be next if you make any sudden moves!"

And so with a heavy sigh I climbed up on the gutter, and as I was pushing myself up on the deck, Odd Eye yanked me up by the collar of my shirt, throwing me onto the floor. My head crashes into a deck chair occupied by a withered female creature with a face like a dolphin, who gives me an unpleasant scowl. Then I find myself being kicked.

"Up!" Clara shouts, so I scramble to my feet.

In the meantime, I see one of the machines lift Jenny off the ground, passing her on to a second, then a third machine. As they do this, one of those weird socket wrench things tumbles out of her pocket and rolls across the floor. I reach down to grab it, but Clara stomps it with her boot and snatches it up.

For a moment, she freezes as she stares at it, but then Joe tries to run away and she snaps out of it, blasting the tiles near his feet. "Don't."

She pockets the device, and we're led down the hallway.

The machines followed us for several feet, randomly teleporting and reappearing every time we began to gain distance from it.

The boy points at one of the chrome things. "Is that a Quark?"

"My guess is it is."

When I turned my head, I found the chrome thing standing next to me.

"Move!" it yelled.

At the end of the hallway is an elevator. It's a fairly wide elevator, but unremarkable as elevators go, except for the fact that it had brass trim and the floor buttons all had pictures of anchors on them. Oh, and the Muzak had non-English lyrics.

About a second later, we were marching through the smelly engine room to a cramped little tunnel lined with prison cells.

There were five of them in all, and they seemed surprisingly posh for their intended purpose.

They were clean and white. The beds, while not the kind that could be dismantled for weapons or hiding contraband, were ultra comfortable looking. The sinks were high quality, though again not something you could use for a prison break, since they had a design like a drinking fountain, and the vulnerable parts were hidden inside the wall. They also had what seemed to be televisions. Again, not set up in a way you could dismantle for parts or anything. The doors appeared to be made of some kind of super strong glass. The same glass served as portions of the interior walls, allowing you to see the other prisoners.

As was typical, the toilets afforded no privacy, for obvious security reasons, and they seemed to be tamper proof. None of them had tanks within the cell, and it didn't even look like they had toilet paper.

The first cell was occupied by a male humanoid with the head and neck of a Canada goose. The one next to him held a narrow feminine looking alien with a body made out of crystals. A cell over, a six foot tall fuchsia colored beetle creature, which somehow happened to be reading _Robinson Crusoe_.

To my utter shock, I found myself being led to a cell containing the cyclops lady.

The badger thing turned out each of our pockets in turn, confiscating the contraband. Joe lost a lockblade knife, a wallet, a compass and his house keys, among other things they rifled through too quickly for me to see. Jenny, unconscious at the time, also lost a set of keys, plus a gold switchblade disguised as a fountain pen. I wasn't sure what else they took.

Clara pushed a button, and the door slid open.

"You!" I yelled at the prisoner. "What are you doing here!"

"I could ask you the same question," she said sullenly.

Clara gave me a shove. "In."

And so I staggered into the cell, my two scouts joining me shortly afterward.

At this point, the Quarks seemed satisfied that we weren't going anywhere. They did one final disappearing act, and we were alone with the guards.

The one with the mismatched eyes stomped up to me. "Now," he said. "Which one of you put the knockout gas in the air system?"

"I don't know," I said. "But I'll let you know when I find out."

I received a punch in the stomach for that comment.

The rest of my cell mates either shrugged or muttered that they didn't know, so he stomped out in a huff.

As the door slid shut, I heard Odd Eye muttering about how the cell was occupied, but there wasn't anything he could do. He tapped the glass, and suddenly this chameleon thing in a loincloth appeared.

"My infrared's broken. He'll get out."

With a sigh, Clara told him to toss Jenny in with us, and so my friend was dumped unceremoniously on the floor in front of me, and the door slid shut again.

The cell smelled of turpentine, skunk, myrrh and WD-40. Pleasant.

I frowned at Joe. "All right. Out with it. How'd you get caught?"

"I was framed. Some guy slipped a bag in my pocket and ran off."

I narrowed my eyes, trying to process the information.

"You know me!" he stammered. "`_We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go out with girls who do,_' right?"

I nodded. "You're too much of a dork to be a drug dealer."

"Hey!"

"What?" I said. "I'm defending your innocence."

Joe sat on the floor and groaned. "Now what are we going to do?"

"I don't know," I muttered, sinking into a bunk bed.

For a brief moment in my fatigue, I had I failed to notice that Ms. Cyclops was already occupying it.

I jerked to my feet a little too quickly and hit my head on the top bunk.

She sighed. "It's okay. I won't bite."

I swallowed. On her bed was exactly the last place I wanted to be.

"So where's the dog?"

"Why? Getting hungry?"

She gave me this pained expression and looked away.

"She's dead, okay? The...badger things vaporized it."

She stared at me like she didn't understand what I was saying. "Badger things?"

"The...guards?"

"Oh. The Mulgams," she sighed. "A shame. I'm really going to miss it."

"Because you didn't eat supper?"

She let out an exasperated sigh. "As I was trying to tell you before, I never was going to hurt it."

"Her," I corrected.

"Her. I never wanted to hurt her."

"Is that why you had that knife?"

She suddenly looked glum, turning away.

An awkward silence followed.

"Why were you trying to electrocute me?"

"I wasn't," she said. "I was trying to destroy a Quark."

"Kind of like how you were hugging my dog with a knife?"

"It's not like that," she said. "You're such a bumbling idiot, you walked right into my trap. Quarks are tricky. I was hoping to catch one off guard. They make regular patrols through there."

"I see," I frowned.

"I'm really sad you lost your dog. She was so sweet."

"Why, did you have a nibble?"

She grimaced. "No. I meant she was nice."

Another uncomfortable silence.

Generally, I am not in the habit of staring. Even if someone looks weird, I avoid looking at people too closely out of politeness. But there was nothing to do in that little cell, and little to look at, so I found myself examining this strange female's feature's more closely.

To be honest, she wasn't really that hideous. While the exposed brain was rather disturbing, I found the shape of her face pleasant. The lips were full, the face smooth and clean. The green eye, while alone in the middle of her face, was, to her credit, not deformed, and somewhat beautiful in its own strange way. I even found the tentacles on her head kind of cute. She didn't have a nose, per se, but the little raised area with the nostril holes was cute, too. Of course, the body was by far her finest attribute.

Not the woman of my dreams, not gorgeous, but she was not exactly repulsive, either.

"So what's your name?" I asked.

"Desiree. What's yours?"

So I told her.

"Ugh!" I heard Jenny moaning from the floor. "I told you to run!"

"I got caught!" I said. "It was an accident."

She pushed herself to her feet, then patted the sides of her outfit. "They took the screwdriver!"

"Naturally," said the pink creature in the next cell. "Can't have you picking the locks, now can they?"

"Hey!" Joe laughed. "It's the alien queen!"

The creature turned to face him. "No, just a senator who got a little carried away with drinking."

He burst out laughing.

"What. Did I say something funny?"

Jenny turned to look at the creature. "You'll have to excuse my friend, Miss..."

"Senator Tayari." Desiree prompted.

"Right. Senator Tayari. He's from earth and knows very little."

"Ah," the creature nodded. "That explains it. But his people _do_ make very interesting stories." It held up its book. "This one, for example, is fascinating. One man and his ingenuity against the forces of nature..."

I smiled, trying hard not to laugh at the absurd situation.

The creature returned to its reading.

Suddenly the door came open and Harvey was shoved in. The door slid shut again.

"Harvey!" I cried. "We were worried about you!"

"Sorry," he said with an embarrassed smile. "Really, I'm fine."

"What happened? How did you end up here?"

"I was just wandering down the hall, trying to go down to get my trunks out of the TARDY, and, and..." He suddenly got a faraway look, muttering something like, "Bibble babble bloop" and other nonsense.

I came closer, snapping my fingers at him. "Hello! Earth to Harvey!" I know, ironic, right? But it seemed the best thing to say at the moment.

He blinked and stared at me. "What?"

"You were going to tell me what happened."

"Bibble babble bloop," he repeated, staring off into space.

I snapped my fingers and he gave me that dumb look again.

"Sheesh!" I sighed. "Never mind."

He seemed utterly bewildered. "Never mind what?"

I shook my head.

"He's been brainwashed," said Senator Tayari.

Since there were no eyes to speak of, I stared at the creature's exoskeleton. "By whom? For what purpose?"

"My guess is someone in the house Armenta, but don't quote me on that."

"Great," I muttered. "Wonderful."

"So how are we going to get out of here?" Harvey grumped.

"You're not," said Desiree. "You're going to stay here while I take care of the Quarks."

"How?" I said.

She glanced at the guard standing outside the cell. "Wait."

I stared at her head. "Doesn't that hurt? Having your brain exposed like that?"

"No."

"Aren't you afraid of getting a brain infection or something?"

"No. I was manufactured with a natural immunity to such things."

I furrowed my brow. "Manufactured? Like a clone?"

She nodded. "I was made by the Daleks."

"Who?"

"The Daleks. They...are small, and they travel in large metal machines. Didn't you see Schroth in the ballroom?"

"No."

"Well, he is one."

"I'll take your word for that."

Another silence.

"So why are you in here?" I ventured.

"I found out their little secret. The ship has been taken over by Quarks."

"For Master Mark?" Joe joked.

She ignored him. "The Quarks have plans for us. They have no intention of taking us to Uwihira where the cruise is supposed to end."

"What's Uwihira?" I said.

"You mean you don't know?"

"Basically we're stowaways, so no, I don't know. Enlighten me."

"Resort planet. They have zoos and a castle..." she shook her head. "It's not important. The point is, we're not going there."

"Where are we going, then?"

"I...I'm not sure. I got captured before I could get more information."

I frowned. "If these guys are so horrible, why do they have a statue near the bar?"

"What statue?" she said.

I stared at her in shock. "It was outside the door."

"Did it have crystals around its head?"

"Yeah..."

"This does not surprise me. They are all over this craft."

I gulped. "So what now? Are they taking us to a prison somewhere?"

"I don't know."

She looked away.

The guard yawned, strolling down the hallway at a leisurely pace.

"Quick!" said Desiree. "Everyone get on the bed and hide me. I have a plan."

"Just as long as you don't do anything kinky," Joe muttered.

Jenny rolled her eyes. "Men."

And so everyone climbed up on the bunk, creating sort of a privacy curtain around the Dalek clone.

She pressed her palm to the corner of a wall panel and I heard a dentist drill sound.

"You have a sonic screwdriver!" Jenny exclaimed.

Desiree moved her hand to another corner. "What's a sonic screwdriver?"

"What you've got in your hand, of course."

Desiree showed her palm to her.

She held nothing, but I saw a glowing circle pulsating red beneath the skin.

"Unbelievable! Your _hand_ is a sonic screwdriver!"

Soon the panel came loose, and she was setting it down on the bed.

Beyond I could see a crawl space running parallel to the room, possibly some sort of ventilation duct.

She darted inside, retreating backwards into the passageway.

When I tried to follow, she blurted, "Stay here and put the panel back."

"Wait," I said. "What's the plan?"

"Stay in the cell. I'll take care of everything."

I put the panel up to the spot it had been removed from. "And how are you going to do that?"

She slapped her palm against the panel and it stuck like it had been magnetized to her skin. "That's for me to know and you to find out."

The cover slammed closed, and I heard the dental drill sound again.

"Wait! Are you going to come back and free us?"

No response.

"Hey! What's all this, then?" I heard a badger thing yelling. "Off the bed! Break it up! Break it up!"

With much hesitation, we dispersed.

The Mulgam stared at us for a moment, then growled, "One of you is missing!"

"And who might that be, sir?" Joe asked with his usual wry manner.

"You know full bloody well who I'm referring to! Where's the human Dalek!"

"What's a Dalek?" Harvey innocently asked.

"Maybe it would help if you described the Dalek, sir," Joe joked.

"Yeah," said Harvey. "What's he or she or it look like?"

"Enough games! I want an answer, and I want it now! Where is the human Dalek!"

"Oh, out and about, I should think," Jenny remarked.

"She's on The Island," Senator Tayari said.

"I should slaughter the whole lot of you right now!" he growled. "And I would if the masters didn't have other plans for you."

"Plans?" I frowned.

"Oh you'll find out soon enough!" he laughed.

With that, he stomped away.

"What does he mean by that?" I asked.

Jenny just shrugged.

We situated ourselves in semi-comfortable spots around the cell, glumly staring at each other.

All of a sudden, I hear a voice in the next cell singing, "Chin up, chin up, everyone loves a happy face..."

We all stared at the giant purple-pink beetle creature.

"It's from _Charlotte's Web_," it said. "It was during the part where the pig was depressed, because he thought he was going to be slaughtered, but then..."

"I've seen the movie," I said, rolling my eyes.

The eyeless face leaned close to the glass. "Don't you just love it?"

I shook my head and laughed.

"See? I made you smile. Does no one any good grumping about things. Certainly not if they're intending to esc-say cape-pay, no?"

Jenny sighed. "We're never going to escape."

"Chin up, chin up..."

"Please," I said. "No more."

"Aww. You're not much fun."

By hook or by crook, the creature had managed to lighten the mood, so now we stared at each other in boredom rather than despair.

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with the letter C," Joe offered.

I and my other cell mates just frowned at him.

"Seriously?" I said.

"A cell door?" I heard the creature in the next cell saying.

"Correct," Joe said.

"I spy with my little eye...something you wear beginning with the letter N, second word S."

"Don't encourage him" I muttered.

"Believe me, you all look like you need some encouragement."

"You don't have any eyes," I pointed out.

"That was rude," it said. "How do you think I've been reading Defoe if I didn't have any eyes?"

"I don't know. Sound waves? Touch?"

"Hah! A fat lot you know!" The creature paused. "So. As I was saying. N and S."

Joe stared at his clothes. "A neckerchief slide?"

The creature nodded.

"Is this how you generally spend your evenings?" Jenny asked.

"Killjoy," said Senator Tayari.

The cell fell silent for a moment.

Tayari rested its head on its palm. "May I see it? The slide?"

With a nod, Joe got up and pressed the slide to the glass, giving the creature a view of both sides.

"I see. You _do_ realize that your neckerchief slide is made of malleable aluminum, don't you?"

"What?" Joe blinked.

"Perhaps you can bend those little clasps and make use of them."

"That's genius!" Joe cried, and he set to work bending the slide out of shape.

He frowned at his surroundings. "Now what?"

"What if you pick open that panel on the wall?" I suggested. "I don't know."

There seemed to be some sort of access panel next to the door, seemingly in the general area of the thing the Mulgam had used to lock us in.

Shrugging, Joe wedged part of the clasp into a crack in the plate, and after wiggling it around, he got the cover off.

"That was too easy!" he said, staring at a secondary panel fastened by a cluster of screws that seemed to be a cross between Phillips heads and the type of screws you open with an Allen wrench.

"This is a ship's brig," I said. "Not Fort Leavenworth."

"What's Fort Leavenworth?" Jenny and the creature asked at the same time.

"It sounds familiar," the girl in the cat suit muttered.

"It's a Kansas prison."

Joe dug the clasp into one of the screws, attempting to draw it out.

"You're just going to make it thread," I groaned as I watched him toy with it.

"You got a better idea?"

I sighed.

"Leftie loosey, righty tighty," he muttered under his breath.

Harvey stood up, frowning at Joe's work. "What you need to do is rub it against the floor a few times to give it a smaller point. Kind of like how they make shivs."

Joe rolled his eyes. "You watch too many prison shows. In case you haven't noticed, the floor isn't concrete. The only thing I'd get from rubbing this against that floor is scratch marks and a tired hand."

I got tired of watching him and stretched out on the top bunk.

"Nobody is going to watch me pee," Jenny growled. "I just wanted to make that clear."

"Generally," Joe murmured as he threaded the screw. "I think clear urine is what happens when you have a vitamin deficiency."

"I'm not sure that's right," I laughed.

"Would you like me to drive my heels into the back of your head?" she shouted.

"No ma'am."

Upon careful examination, I discovered an odd looking plastic bar on a shelf adjacent to the commode. It kind of reminded me of a centipede roughly the size of a Coke bottle.

"They have the three seashells!" Joe laughed as he stared at the device.

"And what is that?" Jenny sighed. "Do tell."

Joe resumed his work on the panel. "It was in a science fiction movie. _Demolition Man_ with Sylvester Stallone. They had paper free bathrooms. They never really explained how it worked."

"It's really quite simple," said Tayari. "You just sit on it. Every hour it sanitizes itself. Not like I'd ever have to use it. But I know how it works."

I heard a clinking sound as the thin aluminum snapped off and fell to the floor.

"Dammit."

"Forget it," I said.

As Joe turned the clasp in the screw again, it snapped off the slide, tinkling to the floor.

"Oops."

"What's that!" I heard the guard shout, stomping back to our cell.

Joe quickly hid the evidence of his tinkering before the guard could see it.

The Mulgam's eyes narrowed. "What's going on in here?"

"Nothing," I said.

"The...toilet's acting funny," Joe lied. "Sounds like something fell or broke off."

Our guard frowned at the toilet. "We'll get a plumber to look at it. Anyhow, you won't be worrying about that for too much longer."

We watched him shuffle out of view, then, when the coast seemed to be clear, Joe started picking at the panel with the remaining tie clasp.

A few seconds later, I saw the badger thing angrily stomping up to the cell door.

After pushing some buttons, the door slid open, and he was crushing Joe's hand in his fist. "Thought you was being slick, didn't you?" the thing growled through its teeth as Joe screamed. "Thought you had me fooled when you screwed up those cameras, didn't you?"

Joe wailed out an incoherent protest.

"Well you're not slick! You missed a camera, you dim little urchin! The bosses say I can't kill you, but they didn't say nothing about discipline!"

"Have some of your own medicine!" I heard Jenny shout as her boot smashed into the Mulgam's head. In a flash, she had him sprawled across the floor, slamming a fist into his jaw.

The second she dismounted the unconscious body, a metal tentacle shot out of thin air, knocking her backwards over the guard, convulsing and spasming like she'd been tasered.

The air shimmered and a shiny chrome pillar appeared.

"Resist us and pay the consequences!" cried the shrilly voice. "We will not warn you again!"

A second Quark flickered into view. "It is time."

"You will accompany us to Room 109 or die. Do not try to escape. We are everywhere."

"Wait," I said. "What's in Room 109? Why are we going there?"

"Our first priority is our passengers' safety. You must accompany us. Failure to comply will result in the use of force."

"But what's in the room?" I repeated.

"It is not necessary for me to explain. You must accompany us. Failure to comply will result in the use of force."

The thing vanished, reappearing at the end of the outside corridor.

One by one, the other cell doors opened, including the one containing the invisible reptile.

I blinked and saw a second chrome thing curling its tentacles around air as a pitiful mewling cry came out from that general area.

It let go, and the reptile turned visible, collapsing on the floor.

"Do not resist," the Quark repeated. "We are everywhere."

The Quark grabbed Jenny's unconscious form, and I and my fellow prisoners were compelled to follow its comrade, marching to the end of the hallway, Tayari and the invisible reptile following behind me at a wary distance.

The machines passed Jenny from tentacle to tentacle, passing rather than carrying her across the distance. Indeed, the things didn't so much walk as they teleported from place to place.

When I approached the shapely gray crystalline creature, the first thing it tried to do was bury its lion teeth into my throat and tear me open with its claws. It ripped me across the face deep enough to draw blood before a Quark popped in and nearly choked the thing to death.

Careful to avoid the thing from then on, I and my friends followed the chrome things out into the engine room, and up the stairs to the hallway.

My face was bleeding, but all I could do was dab the wounds on my shirt until the blood stopped pouring out.

Harvey, being out of shape and stubborn, lagged behind everyone else, then tripped and fell somewhat conveniently.

The Quarks showed him no mercy. The moment he hit the floor, a tentacle whipped around his neck, and he got dragged down the hallway like a piece of luggage.

He gasped and tugged at the tentacle, trying to free himself and get air, kicking his feet until they released him and he stumbled along at a much quicker rate.

"_So that's_ how to make him hurry!" Joe joked.

"Shut up, man!" Harvey spat. "I'll kill you!"

"Sorry," he sighed. "I'm just trying to lighten the mood."

"Silence!" The Quark shouted. "Prisoners are not to conspire!"

Joe shook his head. "Paranoid robots. I thought PC's were supposed to make the world better."

"They're not computers, dear," said Tayari. "The Quarks are crystalline lifeforms. That makes them much more dangerous and unpredictable."

"Like that thing that tried to take a bite out of me," I groaned, dabbing the drying wounds on my face for added emphasis. I was lucky that the cuts hadn't been deeper or I probably would have fainted from blood loss.

The senator laughed. "Not exactly. The Qutwab are crystalline, yes, but, well, what you experienced was not exactly an attack."

I rolled my eyes. "It sure seemed like one to me!"

Tayari just chuckled. "That was actually a love nip."

I stared at the senator in disbelief. "Excuse me?"

"She finds you physically attractive. Do I need to paint a picture?"

I shuddered. "I'd hate to see what she does to her enemies!"

Tayari shook her head sadly. "Not enough to stop a Quark, apparently."

"Silence!" a Quark cried.

We arrived at a door marked 109, which seemed to come open by itself.

Inside, I found a vast room, not a TARDIS, but an immense suite, which contained nothing but a collection of computerized machinery, a pair of giant silver cones, and Riversong.

"Riversong!" I cried.

"Boy are we glad to see you!" Joe laughed.

The woman, however, showed absolutely no sign of recognizing us. Instead, she seemed blindly focused on fixing wires and circuit boards with her sonic screwdriver, programming something or another into the laptop she had plugged into a refrigerator sized machine covered in flashing lights.

"What's this about?" I asked her.

"We have a job to do," she replied.

I frowned. "We?"

"Yes." Her voice seemed distant, mechanical.

I thought something was amiss, but I really didn't know any of the Doctor's friends that well, so I decided this was a prime example of `If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.'

"What...job...do you want us to do?"

She only pointed at the cones. "Go through there. It will all be explained to you."

The only thing I saw between the cones was a wall.

"This is stupid," I said.

I stepped forward, marching between the cones, and the entire room vanished.

Red.

The first thing I noticed was that everything around me was red.

The place looked like pictures I'd seen of Mars, nothing but rocks, dirt and boulders for miles in every direction.

The sky was an oppressive red-orange, the air stale with an unpleasant odor of burning green wood and rotten hamburger.

Up above me, I could see a spaceship. It was not the Island Princess. I knew because I had seen fire exit maps on the walls, and this thing was entirely the wrong shape, more like an eggplant fused together with a battleship.

I was surrounded by Quarks, and guests from the ship. Several of my fellow passengers were already busy toiling away with pickaxes and shovels, breaking open rocks and digging trenches. A pair of dead crab creatures told me what rules we were playing by.

In the distance I could see all five of the mouthless creatures from the engine room, all busily smashing rocks.

A pickaxe was suddenly thrust into my hands.

"Get to work!" A Quark yelled, pointing a tentacle at a rock.

And so I did was I was told, smashing open a dozen rocks.

One of these rocks contained a glowing blue crystal, which one of the Quarks immediately collected, sticking it inside its body.

I got no reward for doing this. I was only told to keep working.

Looking to one side of my dig, a yard or so away, I could see corpses. The same corpses I had seen in my vision. A rabbit man with three legs. A man with leopard patterned skin.

Joe and Harvey worked close to me, but they had been threatened into silence, so we just toiled and sweated without a word.

Bitterly, I grieved my dog as I broke open more rocks. In the cell, I had company, so the loss of Zanie didn't fully sink in until now. Now that it was just me, the rocks, and the pick, plus a bunch of evil machine things that weren't much for conversation, I had ample time to think. After all, the work require that much brain power.

I inherited Zanie from my grandma. She had kept me company during many lonely and sad moments. She always slept at the foot of my bed. I made her fat with table scraps and handfuls of buttered popcorn. We went on long walks together, ones that ended with me carrying her fat little out of shape body all the way back home. I was so depressed I wasn't sure I wanted to go on.

I was only slightly aware of the blob of fuchsia in the corner of my eye.

"Chin up, chin up," Senator Tayari sang while breaking open two rocks with miniature pickaxes. "Everyone loves a happy face..."

Soon we had the lyrics memorized, and we were singing with her, even Jenny.

For a moment, fatigue set in, and our singing hit a lull.

"They're futuristic super strong robot things," Joe said, slamming a pick against a rock. "Why do they even need slaves?"

"Silence!" a Quark shouted. "No conspiring!"

"But they let us sing," I muttered.

"We're mining for energy resources," Tayari hissed. "What we're doing is a delicate operation. If they use a laser, it destroys the ore, and so does their mechanical arms. Furthermore, doing the work themselves would use up their energy supply. Plus they're lazy."

"Lazy robots," I laughed.

"Silence!" the Quark screamed.

Harvey was the first one of us to faint from exhaustion. A Quark grabbed him by the neck and shook him until he got back to work, but he moved slowly and fell down again.

The Quark just shot him.

"Harvey!" I screamed.

Joe was in tears. "No! Harv!"

And then he lost all common sense.

With a look of pure hatred, he turned to face a Quark, screamed "You bastards!" and attacked one of the slave masters with a pick.

They made short work of him. His blood spilled on the rocks.

"Dammit," I growled in frustration. But there was nothing to be done. I picked up my pick and got back to work.

The senator tried to lighten the mood. "Chin up, chin up..."

One of the Quarks had enough. Without a word, it blew up Tayari's head with a spray of shrapnel.

It was just me and Jenny now.

We worked in silence for a few moments, then I decided enough was enough, and my boys deserved some kind of memorial, some sort of acknowledgment that their deaths meant something, so I started singing _Amazing Grace_.

I was good until the second verse, wherein I stopped because I didn't remember the next line.

To my shock, I heard a raspy sounding voice supplying, "Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved..."

It was the reptile from the other cell, fully opaque as it busted rocks next to me.

When the song started over, the reptile fell over from exhaustion, and the Quarks shot him.

I could hear the tremble in Jenny's voice as she sang, "Through many dangers, toils and snares..."

Before she could complete the verse, a frightened cry swept through the crowd of slaves, and multiple hands pointed to a brilliant white dot swelling in the orange sky.

Just like I saw in my vision.

The only troubling thought, however, was that the woman with the one eye never told me I love you.

"The Island Princess!" I heard the others shouting. "It's exploding!"

"They've destroyed it all! There's no way back!"

I stared in horrified fascination as the dot swelled larger and larger, to the size of a sun.

I heard a shot. Someone screamed.

"Back to work!" the Quarks ordered, but the glowing light continued to swell and grow, filling the entire sky.

The whole world burned.

I felt intense searing heat touch my skin, then a fierce scalding sensation set in.

It felt like I had been smashed against a giant hot skillet and all my skin was melting off.

The pain penetrated me to the very core of my being.

I couldn't think, I could only scream and cry out prayers. I thought I was in hell.

After what seemed like an eternity of agony, I blacked out, feeling nothing.

Things got really weird after that.


	18. Chapter 18: Deja Vu

It turned out I wasn't dead.

Once more, I awoke to find Zanie's warm sticky tongue lapping my face.

"Zanie!" I cried with joy. "You're alive!"

This only made the dog lick my face with greater urgency.

I laughed and set her aside.

I touched my cheek.

No wound.

No burns.

I thought for sure I had been dreaming, but then, when I turned over, I again saw Harvey with his arm and leg thrown over Joe, drool dampening his sleeve.

They're all alive! I thought with a grin.

But then I stopped smiling. Everything looked the same as when I had awoken here before. I was suddenly struck with an odd sense of déjà vu.

I was in the same hallway smelling of carpet cleaner and old bananas.

I turned back around, staring at Jenny's prone form. I could just barely see part of a sonic screwdriver sticking out of her back pocket.

"Ugh! Gross!" I heard Joe crying behind me. "Go drool on someone else's shoulder, you pervert!"

Oddly familiar. I began to wonder if I was starring in my own _Final Destination_ movie.

And then Harvey was mumbling something unintelligible. The same thing I could have sworn I heard him say before.

"Harv. I am _not_ that kind of guy!"

Déjà vu.

I turned around and stared at them in utter disbelief. Why were they repeating themselves?

The two stopped talking, giving me this irritated glare.

"What," said Joe.

I shook my head. "Nothing." I quickly looked away.

"Explain to me again why you had your arms all over me."

"Man, it's not my fault! I was asleep!"

"_Sure! Likely story!_"

"Dude, shut up!"

Seeing the Quark statue, I got to my feet, marching closer to give it a thorough examination.

It looked like a cabinet with legs. The top portion was like a ball with hardware store washers covering it all around, and ridiculous diamond shaped objects poked out of its top and sides.

I touched the statue with my finger, giving it a gentle shove. Nothing happened.

"Did someone get the ID of that Brougham that hit me?" I heard Jenny moan as she propped herself against a wall.

"What's a Brougham?" I asked.

She just shook her head. "It's a horse drawn cab. Duh!"

"Well maybe I didn't know that."

"Well now you do."

I rolled my eyes, watching as Riversong stumbled into a standing position. "Something's not right."

"Yeah," I muttered. "There's a _lot_ of weird stuff going on!"

"Like how the TARDIS didn't lock itself up before those boys sneaked on board," Jenny said.

"Or," I added. "How about those giant Quark things that captured everybody on the ship and forced them to mine glowing rocks on some alien planet?"

"What?"

The two stared at me like I was crazy.

"I..." I stammered. "I had...a strange dream. There were...these Quark things..." I pointed to the statue. "Kind of like that, but a lot scarier. And they...enslaved us all. They...killed everyone."

"It was the pizza," said Jenny. "You had quite a few slices before you were knocked unconscious."

Riversong nodded. "Definitely the pizza."

She paused. "How did you know what a Quark was?"

I sighed. "Because I dreamed it? Because...maybe I'm psychic or something?"

"The Doctor's time energy _did_ touch him," Jenny remarked. "Maybe it affected his brain."

"That has to be it," said Riversong.

"Back to my original question. Why did the TARDIS let those boys stow away like they did?"

"The Doctor included Nick in his will. Maybe the TARDIS sensed that. Either that, or it was the fact the Time Lord was dying at the time." She sighed. "But there's something else, here, on this ship, that bothers me more. Something off. I can't exactly place what it is yet."

She pulled out the sonic screwdriver, causing it to hum as she waved it around, pointing at the paneling and the fire extinguisher.

She sighed. "Nothing." 

"What are you looking for?" I asked.

"I don't know. Hostile alien technology. A tear in the universe. Something. Anything."

"You know what _I_ think is off..." I said. "I just can't shake this awful feeling of déjà vu."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, that all our conversations, it's like they've all happened before. I keep hearing people saying the same exact things."

"I had no idea that we were that boring," Jenny said with a frown.

I shook my head. "It's not you. I don't know what it is."

"Déjà vu is just a brain burp," said Riversong. "Don't worry about it. It'll eventually go away."

"...Or maybe he's been in this place or this situation in a past life," Jenny suggested.

"I don't believe in reincarnation," I said.

She shrugged. "I was only trying to help."

Riversong frowned at the sonic screwdriver. "I wish I knew more about how to adjust the settings on this thing."

"Is anyone in need of medical assistance?" the robot said.

"We're fine."

Jenny wobbled to her feet. "I'm starved. Judging by the smells, I'd say that this pub serves food."

"My déjà vu tells me they serve riblets," I muttered.

She just laughed and walked in.

"No drinks for me, thank you," Riversong said. "I feel like I've been drinking Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters all night."

"Are those even real drinks?" I said. "I remember hearing about Gargle Blasters in the Hitchhiker's Guide."

"Not everything fictional is untrue," she said, walking away.

"What time is it?" I asked Joe.

Joe glanced at his watch. "Seven P.M."

I frowned. "Just like before."

"What?"

"Nothing," I said.

So there I was in Captain Salty's, just like last time. The same decor, the same patrons. Near the door was the slug creature. Purple lady with dog flaps on her head seated at the little table a few feet away from it. Fruit Bat was hanging out with one of those orange crab things. The back booth held (surprise) a gray cyclopean dinosaur-frog monster and a yeti.

I hadn't noticed it before, but the music system was on, and they were playing a non-English version of the Beatles' _Back In The USSR_.

Joe and Harvey tried to follow me in, but the robot stopped them like before.

"Children under eighteen are not permitted in Captain Salty's without parental guardian consent."

The two frowned at me.

"However, nourishment can still be derived from the dinner buffet in the banquet hall. I will happily guide you in the proper direction."

The two shrugged and followed it.

I led my dog into the pub, this time not caring what people thought.

I set the leash handle on the bar.

Noting Zanie's whine of distress, I did what I thought appropriate with the lever on the handle, and she relaxed.

I stared at the menu. No prices, of course.

Jenny petted my dog on her head.

"Long Island iced tea," she called to the green bartender.

"Your wish is my command."

Jenny smirked.

Now that I had processed the nonverbal cue a second time, I thought her response was a bit off. I still couldn't put my finger on it, though.

"Anything to eat?" the bartender asked.

Jenny opened her menu. "I'm looking."

I stared at the menu for a moment.

Only then did I remember the problem with the arm band. I quickly turned it around so she couldn't see the part that said I was a dog.

"Hamburger and fries, please."

Being a somewhat superstitious sort, I have often tried to cure déjà vu by making subtle changes in my routine whenever possible. Plus I knew the riblets would not have sauce on them.

She frowned at my bracelet. "We don't serve pets."

Jenny laughed.

I covered my wrist. "I'm not a pet."

"Oh please, sir." She grabbed my arm, turning the band around. Her second right arm poked at the squiggly black symbol in the center. "_This_ says you're a pet."

I know, I probably could have just gone down to the TARDIS and eaten in the kitchen, but I couldn't remember where we parked.

I frowned at Jenny. "Help."

She grinned. "Beg."

I sighed. It was either get into a big protracted debate, or eat humble pie.

Since I preferred to save my breath, and I actually had entertained the idea of making her my girlfriend, this time I just held up my hands like a doggy, panted, and said please.

This made her burst out laughing.

Petting me on the head, she told the server, "Madam, I give full consent for..._my dog_ to get anything it wants."

She said _my dog_ this time. I knew she liked me, I thought with excitement.

"Which one? The one on the floor or the one standing?"

"Both of them," Jenny giggled.

The green lady conveyed the orders to the yellow lizard.

"Thanks," I said with a grin.

Jenny leaned close to me, whispering in low tones. "Don't be getting any ideas. I just like to see a man beg."

She edged back, sipping her drink. Then she ordered quesadillas.

"Is it true what they say about Boy Scouts?"

I sighed. "No. It is _not true_. This is the second time you've asked me about that."

"Really? You think if I had asked you about that already, I would have known!"

"Well you don't!" I said. "Because you did ask. I remember!"

"Right," she said, rolling her eyes. "Because you dreamed about it. Déjà vu, right?"

"Right."

She just shook her head. "Then humor me. _Are you personally_ gay?"

"No!" I snapped. "I like _women_, _not men_, thank you very much."

"You sure had me fooled."

"That's just fine and dandy. You can think whatever you want. But I think you look better in that costume than I ever would."

She laughed.

The yellow creature came out with Jenny's quesadillas and a dog dish containing my burger and fries.

"It's okay," Jenny smiled, patting me on the back. "I'm not prejudiced. Your lifestyle is your choice."

"What part of _not gay_ do you not understand?"

The non-English version of Pink Floyd's _Wish You Were Here _came on_. _Too many coincidences, I thought.

My hamburger, of course, was just a bun with a meat patty in it. The fries were unsalted. So far my score was 0-2. At least there was a bottle of ketchup on the counter.

My dining companion thought this was just hilarious.

Zanie got to eat fries and quesadillas. I figured if she were going to die again, it wouldn't matter too much how much she ate.

Of course, I wasn't sure how that was how this day was going to end anyway. So far, the conversations did have a ring of similarity to them, but it was unclear if this were just my imagination or if this were some _Final Destination_ type of prophetic thing.

"I still think you're a closet gay," Jenny said with a smirk.

"Am I supposed to keep taking this abuse from you because you got me a dry hamburger with no lettuce, tomato or mayonnaise on it?"

"It's not abuse," she said. "It's the truth."

"Well, then you're warping the truth. _I am not down with that._"

"You're not fooling anyone. You have some repressed sexuality issues, and maybe if you got some of them resolved, you'd be a better person."

"And what are you, a psychologist?"

At this time, Desiree took it upon herself to walk into the bar and seat herself on the bar stool next to Jenny.

Jenny pointed to her. "There's a girl for you!"

We locked eyes, just like before. During that same exact part of the song. _We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year..._

I cringed. We still had issues. I still thought she intended to hurt my dog, and, well, it's hard to get excited about a woman that has a face of a cyclops and exposed brains.

"Uh..._no_. I don't think so."

Desiree looked crushed and heartbroken, about ready to cry. Doesn't she ever learn? I thought.

And then she was stomping out of the room.

I frowned. "Seriously?"

"I think she likes you!" Jenny said in a sing-songy voice.

As I finished my food, I gestured to her gold ring. "Are you married?"

"Maybe."

"What do you mean, `maybe'? Are you married, or are you not?"

That earned an eye roll. "Yes," she sighed. "Yes, I'm married."

Finally! I thought. We're getting somewhere!

"So where's the husband?"

"None of your business."

I sighed. "Is he...on this ship?"

She paused, looking like she were about to tell me something else before she finally said no.

"So...was the husband..._at the funeral_?"

She nodded.

"Was it..._the Doctor_?"

She shook her head. "Look, I'm not going to play Twenty Questions with you all day. Goodbye!"

And she marched out.

The bartender just chuckled at me.

As I was leading Zanie to the exit, I almost avoided bumping into the guy with the turtle face and the space suit. Almost.

This time I tripped over his foot and fell on the floor. The leash flew out of my hands, and Zanie was gone.

Now Turtle Face was grabbing me by the hair. "Watch where you're going, you ugly piece of slag!"

"_And what were you doing_ when you so rudely got in my way, Mr. Snapping Turtle!"

I was rewarded with a scaly hand smashing my face against the wood floor. He turned me over and punched me in the face.

Suddenly the purple dog girl got up from her seat, stepping between us. "Please, Shalop! He's only a pet! Leave him alone!"

The scaly claws closed around my neck, and he brought my face so close to his that our faces touched. "If I see you out of your kennel again, you're going to be one dead doggy!"

And he slams my head into the floor.

For a moment, I just laid there, seeing stars as he marches off to a bar table or whatever he was doing. I didn't know because I was still on the floor.

Shalop, I thought. What, is he an Arabian turtle?

The purple girl knelt by my side, looking worried. I just stared at her raggedy white dress, wondering how she managed to get on board such a swank cruiser.

"Are you okay, sir?" she asked.

"Um, I'm fine," I groaned, rubbing my head. "My dog is gone, though. She ran off down the hallway somewhere."

"I can help you look, if you want."

"Okay," I smiled. "But I already have a suspicion about where she ran off to."

"Cadena!" Shalop yelled at her. "Get away from that thing!"

She stood up, giving me an apologetic shrug. "I was just checking to see if it was hurt!"

"You hurt my feelings, baby. Get over here."

That girl was Angry Turtle's girlfriend? Sheesh!

Deciding enough was enough, I picked myself up off the floor and hurried down the hallway in the general direction I expected Zanie to go.

I met the woman with the tail at the stairs in her usual place.

"Did you see my..._daughter _go up this way?" I said. "Little hairy girl? Four legs?"

She smiled and nodded. "She's adorable. You must be very proud."

"Where did she go?"

"Up the stairs and around the corner on B Deck." She pointed up the stairs.

Oh yeah, I thought. That's right. Just like last time. "Thank you."

On Deck B, I tapped Bear Bot on the shoulder and asked about my dog. It did its whole spiel about complimentary babysitting services, pointing to the door that someone had left partially ajar.

I pushed the door open and found my dog being held in Desiree's flippers, the dog licking her in the face. I also saw the knife.

This time there was no shock.

"Desiree," I said. "What are you doing with that knife?"

She let go of Zanie in surprise. "How do you know my name?"

I sighed. "I just do. Look, I saw you holding my dog, and you had a knife in your hand. If you weren't trying to slice up Zanie, what were you doing with it?"

Her lip trembled. "Trying to slice my wrist."

I swallowed hard.


	19. Chapter 19: Odd Eye

In shocked disbelief, I said, "You. Were going to kill. Yourself."

She nodded, and a tear rolled down her face. "I would have done it, too, if your dog hadn't come in here and rubbed her face against my foot."

I stared into her sad cyclops eye with a mixture of pity and disgust.

I watched the tentacles on her head curling up like a spider on a flame. With a frown, I moved my gaze downwards, staring into the large green circle framed in pale cream colored flesh.

"Your dog...she just looked up at me, with this puzzled expression, and then, when I put the knife to my wrist, she touched my leg with her paw. It was almost like she knew, and were trying to tell me no."

I suddenly felt bad about everything I ever said to her. I still didn't find her physically attractive or want to go out with her, but I did at least get a sense that she was..._human_, for lack of a better term. Someone who deserves respect and caring, though I wasn't ready for _too much_ caring at this point.

"Um...have you ever talked with a counselor about this? This wanting to hurt yourself?"

She shook her head. "How could they ever understand? I'm _just a mutant freak_!"

I found her choice of words curious. Did she remember something I said last time? And how was I to broach the subject without looking crazy? Why did I care if this mutant thought I was crazy?

Desiree buried her face in her hands and cried.

"The counselors on this ship are all robotic," she sobbed. "They're not designed to help people like me."

I crept closer to the bed, but made no other move. I still didn't want to get that close to her.

"Is this because of me?"

She sniffed and looked up at me. "Maybe. I don't know." She blew her little bump of a nose.

I could see how a freak like her might have problems finding love, and I felt sorry for her, but although I didn't want her to commit suicide, I really didn't want to "step up to the plate," so to speak, either.

"Look," I stammered. "I'm not that handsome either. I really have no place to judge anybody. And, I mean, ugly people have a place in the...universe. Like, take for example Bill Gates or Stephen King..."

"Who?"

I shook my head. "Never mind. The point is, ugly or not, they made a name for themselves, and people generally like them. I mean, look at you. You can open up wall panels with just your hands..."

"How did you know I could do that?"

I swallowed. "Uh, well, I'm assuming. I mean, I saw a circle on the underside of your hand, and I automatically assumed that you had one of those built in sonic screwdriver devices..."

Her cyclops eye narrowed. "And why did you assume that?"

"Uh...I was, uh, friends with the Doctor. When he died, he uh, touched my head with Time Lord energy, so I know what he knows...About sonic screwdrivers." Okay, so it was a half truth.

She stared at me for a long time, giving me a skeptical frown.

"I'm familiar with the Doctor," she said at last. "But you seem kind of dense for a Time Lord."

"I'm, uh, more like a Time Assistant."

She laughed.

Zanie tried to wiggle out of Desiree's arms.

"Uh, did you want to pet sit my dog for awhile?" I suggested helpfully. "I mean, maybe she can cheer you up some more, or something."

The dog hopped down to the floor, exposing her belly to me. I rubbed it and petted her.

"I think she has other ideas," she said with a smile.

I sighed. "Uh...I don't want you to kill yourself, okay? You're... a cool person, and um, I think I might need your help..." I was going to say `later on', but that would have been suspicious and opened unwelcome questions. "...sometime."

She didn't answer me. She just stared at the wall.

"Look," I persisted. "If you need help, or if you're feeling depressed in any way, please, come get me. I'll try to help you...however I can."

I couldn't read her expression, so I wasn't sure how she reacted to that. "Okay," she said.

I grabbed Zanie's leash and gave it a tug. "Well, I, uh, want to go exploring. Maybe go swimming if I find some trunks. If you can't find me, just yell."

"You're the one who said it, not me," she smirked.

I chuckled. "That's a girl. Chin up!"

I could have smacked myself for saying that, but it just seemed appropriate at the time.

When I reached the door, I stopped. "Do you...have any..._things _set up down the hallway that I need to be aware of?"

She shook her head, but then, as I was stepping out, she blurted, "Oh! How foolish of me! I didn't check the wavelength!"

Then she hurries to a blocky silver machine, flipping switches and hitting buttons. "It's supposed to be set up to destroy any Quark that passes by Room 220, but I didn't set it for the right frequency. Hopefully no one got hurt!"

I glanced down the hallway. "Don't worry. No one did."

She gave me this funny look when I said that, but I couldn't tell if she really understood that I was depreciating myself.

"There. It should be safe now."

And so I thanked her and marched on down the hallway.

Back out on the "sun deck," I strolled up to the glass window, staring out into space.

The horse with the human face sits down on its haunches next to me, pointing a hoof at a cluster of stars. "See that over there? That's the Ruspegu Axe."

I squinted, but it didn't look like any axe I'd ever seen. "Okay, cool."

He pointed above it. "And that's the Ismardo Dancer. And to the left of it, Rihmece, the sorceror."

"Neato," I muttered, wondering where in my brain I could store this semi-useless information.

"I used to run the Wagromal Intelliscope, back when it was called the Kisonop Astronomy Station. Can you believe we're a thousand light years closer and those stars still aren't any bigger?"

I just shrugged.

"The distance must be incredible. Even the Bennes Cluster Lizard hasn't changed its proportions."

Seeming to catch my disinterested look, the creature turned its head and muttered, "Now where did that server Dalek disappear to?"

I blinked. "Was it a female?"

I received a puzzled glance in reply. "I couldn't tell. It was inside a large metal machine. Unless you know something I don't."

I frowned. "I...must have confused..._the Dalek_ with someone else."

I turned around and saw Jenny, Madame Vastra and Riversong reclining in beach chairs adjacent to one another. The reptile and Jenny appeared to be tickling each other.

"Oh! It's the Boy Scout!" Riversong tilted back her sunhat again. "Don't tell anyone, but the bracelets are fake," she said. "I'm thinking that this is more of a mission than a vacation."

"Yeah," I muttered. "I gathered."

"If I knew that," Jenny said again. "I could have invited Strax!"

"Well you didn't. I just got the FYI a few seconds ago when I accidentally bumped the bracelet."

"So, what," I said. "You saw another hologram?"

She nodded. "My advice: Be very careful when and where you use them."

"I wish certain other people would take that advice!"

Riversong frowned. "What do you mean."

"I, I don't know," I fumbled. "I mean, the kids, they might screw something up and get us in trouble."

She sighed. "Well if they do, they do. I only hope we can catch them in time."

"Kids?" Vastra said. "What kids?"

"We have stowaways," Jenny muttered. "Two of them. Boy Scouts. They got clever and snuck aboard the TARDIS."

"The cheek!"

Riversong got up. "Speaking of which...Maybe I should go hunt them down."

And she walked off.

"How is Zanie taking all this?" Vastra asked.

"Fine. I think she's made a new friend. Jenny knows who I'm talking about."

She gave me a blank look.

"Tentacle head?"

She burst out laughing. "So she _is_ your girlfriendf!"

`Maybe so,' I almost replied. `At least she appreciates me.' But I still couldn't bring myself to actually call her my girlfriend in front of people.

"There's a Human Dalek on board," Jenny explained. "I saw her in the bar."

Vastra grinned. "Have you eaten yet?"

I rolled my eyes and said nothing.

"What did you have in mind?" Jenny asked.

"They have a buffet downstairs."

She sat up. "Do they have desserts?"

"I believe so."

With a nod, the reptile lady said, "See you in the banquet hall, or possibly the ballroom. I haven't decided what I want to do next."

She folded her mirror and walked away.

Jenny grunted like she did last time.

"I wonder if they have lozenges on board somewhere," I muttered.

She frowned. "Funny."

"Is this your boy?"

I spun around and saw the bug eyed Kirwan, once again fully conscious and dragging Joe by his ear.

"Wasn't he in the Village People?" I muttered.

Jenny chuckled. "Not bad." She whistled. "If I were in to that sort of thing."

"And what, exactly, are you into?"

She snorted. "None of your business."

The creature dragged Joe closer. "This yours?"

"No," I lied.

Jenny elbowed me.

"What? I don't claim him."

She glared at me. "So this responsible scoutmaster thing, was that just an act? Or are you going to claim responsibility for this boy?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I protested. "I've never seen him before in my life!"

"That's cold," Joe muttered. "Next time _you_ get in trouble, don't come crying to me for help!"

"That's fine. If I ever need help from you, I know I'm already screwed."

Jenny locked eyes with the guard. "He knows him."

"Good. Because this boy was found in possession of illegal narcotics." Kirwan pulled out the package of Bocko. "Look familiar?"

Jenny frowned. "No? Why should they?"

"Your little friend here's been smuggling them. It seems, aside from hitching an unauthorized ride on our cruise, he also peddles Bocko."

Jenny stared at Joe like he actually had done such a thing.

"Don't look at me! A kid with the bird face gave them to me! I thought they were fireworks!"

I shook my head in disgust. "Unbelievable. You're an alien thousands of light years from the earth, and you're planting drugs in the pockets of some little kid like an earth cop."

The badger's face split into four pieces, and it screamed at me, its serpent tongue flapping wildly as the strong odors of curry and burning tires filled my nostrils.

Its face snapped closed again. "Kirwan does not plant drugs. Accuse me of this again, and I will make your boy's stay in the brig a very unpleasant one. Your boy was found with drugs in his possession, and I have video evidence proving the boy accepted and transported these drugs on his own accord!"

"Can I see the video?" I asked.

"No. You may not. At least not without going through the normal legal channels."

"Then it's just your word against mine."

With a sigh, he said, "Fine," and he held up a little holographic device displaying an image of Joe and a kid with the face of a sparrow laughing and marching up a corridor.

A door marked 311 came open, and the goose necked creature from the brig popped its head out, a white feathery hand offering Joe the bag of Bocko.

"Crap," I muttered.

By this time, Joe had slipped away between the deck chairs, but Kirwan was no moron. The moment Joe reached the doorway, he fired a shot at him, and he crumpled to the floor.

"Joe!" I shouted.

The badger thing sighed. "Stunned. He'll be okay."

I glanced pleadingly at Jenny. "Did this Doctor guy do any sort of legal work?"

She shook her head. "He wasn't even technically a medical doctor."

"Great."

"It wouldn't have mattered. He's not alive to help us."

"If he were a lawyer," I countered. "He would have been alive."

"And how do you know that?"

I frowned. "I guess you're right."

"There's also the matter of the fake ID bracelets," Kirwan growled.

"That's impossible!" Jenny cried as convincingly as she could. "The Doctor paid for that out of his own pocket!"

"No, ma'am. I'm afraid not. His passenger bracelet is a forgery."

"Then I'm a victim of fraud," I said. "Seriously, I had no idea the vendor we purchased these from gave us shoddy goods."

Kirwan didn't buy it. "Tell it to a judge." He narrowed his eyes. "Bracelets. Let's see them, one by one."

I sighed and held mine out.

"So you're the pet! Who's the master?"

"I am," Jenny blurted.

"But of course sometimes she lets me be the dom," I joked.

Jenny kicked me in the shins.

"Ow!"

She again showed the creature her bracelet.

"Fake. Just like the other one."

I heard Joe cough, then stumble to his feet.

"Damn," Kirwan muttered. "Knew I had the setting too low."

He raised his voice. "Don't move, urchin, or I'll blast you on setting ten!"

Another mysterious thing about the psychic leash is that it can react to the dog tugging on it, even when it's in your hand. So at that precise moment, Zanie chose to yank it out of my hands and scamper away.

"Zanie!" I cried. "No!"

Joe stared at her for a moment, then ran to catch her before she got away.

The badger fired, and my dog exploded in a splatter of red pulp.

"Hey!" I yelled. "That was my dog!"

"You'll be next if you make any sudden moves!" the guard growled.

He clicked an insignia on his uniform. "Gig. This is Kirwan. Three stowaways found. Fake ID bracelets. Request backup-"

Again, Jenny kicked the crap out of him, grabbing his communicator. "Gig, cancel that request. The ID checks out with headquarters."

And she knocks him out.

"Jenny," I said quickly. "I need your sonic screwdriver."

She shot me a suspicious look. "How did you-?"

I shook my head. "I'll explain later. We're going to need it, and I want to make sure we have it."

"Déjà vu again?" she asked.

"Something like that. I just have a hunch. Okay? Please?"

With a sigh, she hands it over. "I want it back!"

"If it works, gladly."

And then Clara and her guard buddy came running up the hall, firing at us. Chairs blew up, and the colorful crab scorpion things went scurrying every which way.

I could already see Odd Eye and the female coming up the other way, so instead of following Jenny over there, I looked back, searching the area for alternate escape routes.

The pool had the usual maintenance cover for regulating the water flow and PH and so forth. I really didn't see any other good avenues for escape, except maybe opening one of the floor panels.

I fidgeted with the configuration of the sonic screwdriver, pushing a button, and something blew up. Half the room got dark, but you could still see, so it accomplished nothing.

"Clara?" I heard Jenny cry.

Clara, of course, did not understand.

"You're Clara the Impossible Girl," Jenny said. "You know the Doctor. I'm one of the Doctor's friends."

"I don't know what you're talking about. How do you know my name, and what's this impossible thing about?"

"The Doctor said you always act like this."

Proud of my discovery, I hurried over to the section of tanning lights that hadn't dimmed yet and pushed the button again.

It looked like dusk now. You could still see.

"What's he doing?"

"I don't know." She paused. "He reminds me of someone..."

"The Doctor?"

"...No. Well, not sure." She sighed. "No matter. We have very strict rules about stowaways. I'm afraid you're going to have to stay in the brig until we can land and deliver you to the proper authorities."

"Clara! It's me, Jenny!"

"You must be a spy. There is no other way you could know my name. Vuigen government does not treat spies very lightly."

"Nick!" Jenny yelled to me. "If you're doing something clever, you'd better hurry it up!"

With a shrug, I ran across the room, pointing the sonic screwdriver at everything I could think of to see what it did. I managed to get the place pretty dark, but there were still stars and the lights from the outer hallways completely defeated the purpose. Not to mention the glowing handhelds the crab things were carrying. Shorted out or not, they still glowed.

In the meantime, I heard the sounds of laser fire and bodies crumpling to the floor.

"Forgive me, Doctor."

And then there was the sound of a scuffle.

"Cat fight!" Joe laughed.

I slipped under a beach chair in a darkened corner, hoping they wouldn't see me as I fumbled with the settings on the screwdriver.

I heard one of the badgers yelling into his communications device.

I pushed a button on the screwdriver, and the most painful, ear splitting sound came out. Everyone covered their ears.

In the half dark, I saw Jenny knocking Clara's lights out.

The Quark that appeared afterward, however, cared nothing for loud noises or the dark. It again sent my friend sprawling across the floor.

And then I see one of the machines pop into existence directly in front of my deck chair.

"Do not resist us!"

Feeling emboldened by my strange device, I tinkered with the settings again, stood up, and brandished it in the machine's face. "Hah!" I cried, pushing a button. "Take that!"

Instead of doing something, the sonic screwdriver flew out of my hands and stuck to the machine like it were a big electromagnet.

"Crap."

As its tentacles shot out, I stepped backwards and bumped into the window.

I raised my hands in surrender.

"Come with us!" I heard Odd Eye growl.

There was nothing left for me to do but obey. I followed the machines down the hallway.

Joe pointed at one of the machines. "Is that a Quark?"

I rolled my eyes and kept walking. "Yeah. Yeah, it's a Quark."

Soon we were back at the prison cell, and Odd Eye was asking me the same questions.

"Which one of you put the knockout gas in the air system?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

It was pretty much the same reaction as before. I ended up doubling over in pain, and the door slid shut.

Again, Desiree was our cell mate.

I shuffled in the little room with a sigh, giving her an apologetic smirk. "So what did you learn?"

She gave me a suspicious look. "What are you referring to?"

"The Quarks. You were spying on them, right?"

She rolled her eye. "I suppose everyone knows now, don't they? Fat lot of help it will do."

The usual game of Musical Prison Cells occurred, ending with Jenny and Joe being thrown in with me.

Joe glared at me. "I thought we were friends!"

"We are," I sighed. "I just knew where this was going, and I didn't want to end up here again."

Joe wasn't convinced. "Right. Déjà vu. Whatever you want to tell yourself."

"Joe. I don't have a legal leg to stand on. If I didn't get caught and thrown in here with you, I would have had a chance to break you out. Now I don't have a snowball's chance in hell. It might sound insensitive, but it's true. I really wanted to help you, and I knew I couldn't do it from here."

He just shook his head. "I think you've taken too many knocks to the head."

With a sigh, I sat down next to Desiree.

"Now you'll sit with me."

I swallowed. "Am I the only guy in the universe, or couldn't you go look for another man somewhere? I mean, really. Trying to commit suicide. _Over me_. What were you thinking?"

She didn't reply.

"Honestly, I'm not the best man for you. Are you really that desperate?"

She paused. "Maybe?"

I shook my head in frustration.

"_She wants you_," Joe laughed. "And I mean it this time!"

I almost thought I saw Desiree blush.

I shuddered.

"So where's the dog?" she asked.

I stared glumly at the floor. "They got her. The...Mulgams. She's dead."

"Oh."

"Ugh!" Jenny moaned. "I told you to run!"

"Sorry! I thought I could do something. I had no idea your screwdriver was magnetic!"

She sighed.

"The Quarks have many unusual properties," said Senator Tayari. "One of which is magnetism."

"Hey!" Joe laughed. "It's the alien queen!"

"No," she said. "Just a senator who got a little carried away with drinking."

Joe chuckled.

"What. Did I say something funny?"

Jenny turned to look at the creature. "You'll have to excuse my friend, Miss..."

"Senator Tayari," I and Desiree blurted at the same time.

We stared at each other.

"What?" I said. "I read the news too!"

"And what exactly have you read?" said the voice in the next cell.

"Uh...that you're...um...unpopular in the red states."

Tayari laughed. "You really don't know what you're talking about, do you?"

"No, but I can B.S. like the best of them!"

"Sorry about the boy, Senator Tayari," Jenny said. "He's from earth and knows very little."

"Ah," the senator nodded. "That explains it." She paused a moment. "Since you obviously don't know, for your information, I drafted a bill to block the Interplanetary Mining Corporation's activities on planet Tenguk 9, which was not very popular. My drinking problem unfortunately added to the negative publicity, so I decided to take a brief hiatus."

"I see," I said, not quite understanding. "But I guess the drinking problem followed you."

Tayari coughed. "Unfortunately."

The creature returned to its reading.

A few moments later, Harvey joined us.

"Bibble babble bloop," I muttered.

He was clueless. "What?"

"Nothing."

"How'd you get in here, Harv?" Joe asked. "I'm dying to know."

"I was just wandering down the hall, trying to go down to get my trunks out of the TARDY, and, and..." He blanked out. "Bibble babble bloop. Nexnup navmig bicbaz duudug cefeban."

"I see," I groaned.

"What," said Joe.

"He's brainwashed. I don't know who did it, but if I live through the rest of this day, I'm going to find out."

Joe stared at me. "You knew?"

"Hey, I'm a Time Assistant. You have to know these things."

He just shook his head in disbelief.

"It could have been House Armenta," said Tiyari.

Harvey wiped sweat off his face. "So how are we going to get out of here?"

"You're not," said Desiree. "You're going to stay here while I take care of the Quarks."

Sighing, I said, "Can you give me some specific details of what you're going to do before you rush off?"

She shook her head. "If I told you, you'd try to stop me."

"That doesn't sound good. Tell me. Please."

"No. All I'll say is that it's the only way to get rid of the Quarks once and for all."

"Is it a bomb of some kind, by chance?"

She gawked at me. After a moment's silence, she said, "No. No it's not."

"It won't work," I said. "You'll kill everybody."

"No I won't. They won't be on board. The Quarks have a plan for everyone on board. When they're finished, there should be no one left but Quarks on this ship."

I just shook my head.

The guard yawned and walked away.

"Quick!" she said. "Everyone get on the bed and hide me. I have a plan."

Once again, Joe said, "Just as long as you don't do anything kinky."

Jenny frowned. "Men."

And then we provided Desiree with cover so she could open up the wall.

"You have a sonic screwdriver!"

"No," she said. "It's built into my hand. Your friend can explain it to you."

I nodded. "She's a clone with weird powers. What can I say?"

Desiree set the panel on the bed, climbing inside the duct.

"It's not going to work," I said.

"And how do you know?"

"Because I've been in this situation before. You kill us all."

"You're imagining things."

"At least let me come with you."

"No."

And then she pulls the cover back up and seals us in our cell.

"Hey! What's all this, then?" Odd Eye yells. "Off the bed! Break it up! Break it up!"

And so we obey.

The Mulgam glared at us. "One of you is missing!"

"And who might that be, sir?" Joe asked.

"You know full bloody well who I'm referring to! Where's the human Dalek!"

And so my friends have a little fun at his expense, as usual.

"I should slaughter the whole lot of you right now!" he growled. "And I would if the masters didn't have other plans for you."

"Does it involve breaking open rocks for glowing blue stuff?" I groaned.

He eyed me suspiciously. "And what do _you_ know about it!"

"I know that the Quarks don't know the first thing about maintaining a good slave labor force. They just push everyone until they can't go on and then kill them when they can't get up. That's no way to maintain good production levels."

"What!" Joe cried in alarm.

"Sneak preview."

The guard stared at me for a long time, muttering under his breath. He seemed to be conversing with himself.

And then he walked away.

"I think you _really are_ a Time Assistant," the senator muttered.

"That's great, but it's not helping us out of this cell."

And then we were glumly staring at each other again.

Seeing the senator opening her mouth, I turned to her and said, "Do you know any other songs besides Charlotte's Web?"

She paused and thought a moment. "My mother told me something, that everyone should know, it's all about the devil, and I learned to hate him so..."

Yay. The Flintstones. I guess beggars couldn't be choosers.

As the creature started singing the part about forgetting to say your prayers, I said, "Sorry to interrupt, senator, but do you know where the camera around the door is hidden?"

Tayari's head shifted back and forth. "Not quite sure. They are generally very small. Desiree deactivated most of them, but..."

"I know there's another one around here somewhere."

I stepped up to the door panel, looking all around.

"Did I mention they are very small? About gnat sized?"

I sighed. "What the hell." I turned to face the young drug dealer. "Joe, can I see that neckerchief slide?"

I could tell I wasn't quite back in good standing with him, but he grudgingly handed it over, and I started picking at the lock on the cell door.

I took the panel off, then peered down the hallway to see if anyone was coming.

"That was too easy!" Joe said.

"Yeah, but they've got cameras."

I frowned at the screws, trying to wedge the clasp into one of the slots. It didn't work.

Looking down, I also saw that Joe was right. The floor wasn't nearly rough enough to modify the shape of the clasp. It appeared to be some sort of tile or porcelain. When I scratched at the surface experimentally, it didn't even leave a mark.

"Let me do it," said Joe.

"Like I said, there's a camera. If they're going to beat someone up, let it be me."

He swallowed. "They did that last time?"

"What do you think?"

"Nobody is going to watch me pee," Jenny growled. "I just wanted to make that clear."

"Don't worry, princess," I said, toying with the screws. "We'll be out there breaking rocks before you can even sit down."

I tried to stop the first clasp from falling to the floor, but it bounced off my hand and made a lot of noise.

"What's that!" the guard yelled, running to our cell.

"It's the toilet," Joe blurted. "I think something fell off."

"The...toilet's acting funny," Joe lied. "Sounds like something fell or broke off."

The Mulgam frowned. "We'll get a plumber to look at it. Anyhow, you won't be worrying about that for too much longer."

After he disappeared, I went back to work, carefully checking the hallway every couple seconds.

It didn't help. Even though I hid the evidence before he arrived, the guy still threw the cell open, and now he was crushing _my_ hand in one of his fists.

The only thing was, I was bigger than Joe, so the pain wasn't as overwhelming. I reacted by slamming a fist into his furry face.

That released his grip on my hand, and for a few moments, we traded blows.

Of course, in the end, it resulted in me pinned against the wall, blacking out, and waking up on the floor a minute later.

"Thought you was being slick, didn't you?" the thing growled through its teeth. "Thought you had me fooled when you screwed up those cameras, didn't you?"

"Yeah," I moaned half heartedly. "I thought I was pretty slick, all right."

"Well you're not slick! You missed a camera! I should kill you right now, but the bosses want slaves!"

"Your bosses can get stuffed!" Jenny shouted, and he was on the floor, being slammed in the face.

"Look out!" I cried, but it was too late. The Quark appeared, on schedule, and she was tasered.

"Resist us and pay the consequences! We will not warn you again!"

The second Quark appeared. "It is time."

"You will accompany us to Room 109 or die. Do not try to escape. We are everywhere."

"Personally, I like room 117," I smiled. "It has a much better view!"

The Quarks did not share my sense of humor.

"Our first priority is our passengers' safety. You must accompany us. Failure to comply will result in the use of force."

"Can you also levitate rocks and X-Wings with your mind?"

No answer. It was 0-2 so far.

The other cell doors opened, and we were led down the hallway.

The invisible guy again tried and failed to escape. The other Quark carried Jenny away.

"Do not resist. We are everywhere."

The gray crystalline lady came close as she did last time, trying to bite me. I made sure to keep my distance, stepping away whenever she came within a foot of me.

"Sorry, babe," I said when she snapped her teeth at me. "I don't kiss on the first date."

Strangely enough, she seemed to understand.

Harvey once more did his slowpoke routine, suffering the consequences.

"_So that's_ how to make him hurry!"

"Shut up, man! I'll kill you!"

"Sorry. I'm just trying to lighten the mood."

"Silence! Prisoners are not to conspire!"

Joe shook his head. "Paranoid robots. I thought PC's were supposed to make the world better."

"They're not computers, dear," said Tayari. "The Quarks are crystalline lifeforms."

"Wait," I said. "You actually have IBM's on your planet?"

"Well, no, but I've heard of them before. I am well acquainted with earth."

We arrived at Room 109, staring at the machinery and the giant cones.

"Boy are we glad to see you!" Joe cried.

Riversong didn't seem to recognize him.

"Hey. Riversong. It's us. Stop fooling around."

"We have a job to do," she said.

"Who's we?"

In that distant voice, she said, "Us."

"So you want us to go through there and break open rocks. And die."

She pointed at the cones. "Yes. Go."

"Was this the whole point of the entire funeral and the reading of the will? Just some kind of elaborate scam for me to do your dirty work?"

She paused. For a moment, her lip trembled, but then she regained her icy personae. "Yes. That's exactly what it is. But it does not matter now. You have no choice. Go through the pillars. Or die."

I frowned.

It all made sense in a way. I didn't deserve all those favors they piled up on me, and when they turned out to be fraud, well, it really just served me right. The only thing it didn't explain was why they put up such a fuss about everything, and why I had lived through this day a second time.

"Why don't _you_ go through it?"

"I can't. I must stay here and maintain the machine."

"I'd say that's a terrible idea. In fact..."

Grabbing Riversong by the shoulders, I dragged her to the cones, trying to shove her through and on into the Quark labor camp.

Unfortunately, because she's a Time Lord's wife, she managed to claw me in the face, kick me in the crotch, and throw me through the portal before I could even get in a good punch.

I winced as I picked myself up from a pile of rocks.

The only thing I could do now was get to work.

Soon Senator Tayari and my other friends joined me in breaking rocks. We sang and worked like good slaves.

A few moments later, Odd Eye stumbled out and grabbed a pick, grumbling, "Me and my big mouth."

"Hey!" I laughed. "One Eyed Willie! What brings you out here?"

"Trying to be nice to your sorry arse, that's what!" he grumped. "Name's Glynus by the way. Glynus Yej."

And he started working just like the rest of us.

"They're futuristic super strong robot things," Joe grunted as he broke the rock he'd already broken last time. "Why do they even need slaves?"

"Silence!" a Quark shouted. "No conspiring!"

"They're a dying race," Glynus whispered. "These rocks about the only thing keeping them alive."

Harvey fainted, got up to work when the Quarks forced him to, then was down for the count. He died again.

"No!" Joe wept. "Harv!"

I grieved enough for him last time, so I made no comment.

"You were with the Doctor, weren't you?" Glynus said. "Bet you've seen a lot of death in your time."

I nodded.

When Joe raised the pick to strike one of the Quarks, I snatched it out of his hands and told him no.

"Why not! They all deserve to die!"

I shook my head. "You're no match for them. None of us are."

And then I got us singing _Amazing Grace_ as we returned to work.

"I have a plan," Glynus muttered under his breath. "I have a little surprise that I'm going to slip into the ore." And he flashes a little metal canister. "Next one who finds one, let me know."

The senator nodded. "Oh let the sunshine in, face it with a grin..."

That did it. A nearby Quark ended the senator's life.

"Tayari!" Joe cried. And then he couldn't stop sobbing about everything.

"Boy!" Glynus hissed. "You settle down or you'll be dead! You're more use alive than dead, and this surprise isn't going to get where it's going by itself!"

Joe sniffed back his tears and pounded more rocks.

When he uncovered a blue orb, Glynus slipped him the metal bit, which he secreted inside the rock.

The Quark apparently didn't notice, for it slipped the orb inside its body like nothing were the matter.

The panel on its front slid shut, and that's when all the fireworks started.

First, its glowing head flickered like a strobe light while its tentacles lashed out at everything close to it, then it exploded.

It was a great plan, but the remaining Quarks were faster.

I barely blinked before I saw a cluster of the machines surrounding me and my surviving companions.

After this, I saw nothing but a cloud of blood and shrapnel.

I was pretty sure I was dead, but I've been wrong before.


	20. Chapter 20: Humanoid Unit 668003

Slurp slurp slurp.

There was the dog again, licking me in the face.

Staring at my surroundings, and the same haphazard scattering of unconscious bodies, I began to wonder if I was in one of those movies where time kept repeating itself.

As tempting as the idea was, I wasn't ready to try out suicide or bank robbery or any other crazy scheme people in those movies generally try to pull. After all, there was a chance that time might resume its normal course at a most inopportune moment, and I'd be screwed, dead, or both.

And so I lay, there, piecing the details together.

Soon I decided that I was pissed off.

As quick as I could, I got up, squatting in front of Riversong's unconscious body.

Then I waited.

To be honest, I felt like killing her. One less slave master out of the way, I figured. But I still had morals, and I didn't want that on my conscience, even if I woke up and found her alive when it was all over.

Impatiently, I listened to Joe and Harvey muttering grumpy things to each other, staring at the crow's feet surrounding the woman's closed eyelids.

I thought about throttling her, maybe yanking her head back by her hair and slapping her across the face a few times. I would have, but I don't think I would have been able to live with myself.

I kept staring as Jenny groaned about Brougham cabs.

Then the eyelids fluttered open.

Riversong gasped.

"I need you to be honest with me," I said, restraining my emotions with care. "I don't want this to get ugly."

She stared at me like I had grown another head.

"Have I ever lied to you, Miss Riversong?"

She furrowed her brow, pushing herself up into a sitting position. "No, I don't believe you have. A scout is trustworthy. That _is_ the scout motto, is it not?"

I nodded. "Then why are you lying to me?"

Her brows knitted even further in apparent confusion. "What are you talking about?"

I just shook my head in disgust. "Look, lady, don't play dumb. I know why you brought me here. _You need slaves_."

She laughed. "I what?"

She stopped smiling when she saw I wasn't.

"You're being ridiculous. Is this a joke?"

"No," I frowned, rising to my feet. "You plan to send us all to break rocks on some gaseous alien planet, and you've got some nice robot overlords ready and waiting to kick our asses if we ever decide to get out of line."

For a moment, the accusation rendered her speechless. She only shook her head in mute disbelief.

Still forcing myself to be calm, I said, "I don't know why I know this information. Maybe it's because the spirit of the Doctor touched me during that funeral, but I do know that you're going to do it."

At this point, I lost control, raising my voice as the anger rose to the surface. "You had this planned all along! The funeral! The reading of the will! It was all staged! " By now I was practically screaming. "All you wanted was to get us on this ship so you could hand us over to your buddies, the Quarks!" I stabbed a finger in the direction of the statue near the bar entrance. "Throw us down in that hell hole so we can spend all day breaking open rocks! You care more about _those things_ than you do about the lives of children! Do you know that your friends execute people when they can no longer work!"

Riversong's mouth fell wide open. "You're mental," she said in a low whisper.

"Calm down," said Jenny. "We're next to a pub. Go get yourself a drink."

"No," I said. "I'm not calming down. I want some answers, dammit!"

"I don't know where you get your information from," Riversong stammered. "But it's not true. None of what you say is true. I would never do the terrible things you described. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know the Quarks were still around."

I rolled my eyes. "I wish I could believe you."

"You make it sound like I killed the Doctor for your benefit."

That comment gave me pause. I saw the Doctor alive, so there was no way they could have used any old cadaver.

"The funeral was immense. If I wanted slaves, I could have grabbed any number of intelligent lifeforms from that throng. And even if I had a reason to choose you as a slave, to...do whatever it was that you claim they made you do, you're much too unmuscular to be my first choice. Why would I ever ask _you_ break open anything? Or children, for that matter?"

Good question, I thought. I rubbed my face in frustration.

"Again, I must ask you, where did you get this information from?"

"I..." I frowned. The déjà vu argument didn't go over too well last time, so I didn't want to try it again. "When...the guy died, and that glowing gas came out of the altar, it touched my head, and I...caught glimpses of the future."

Riversong looked sick. "So in the future, I put you and your boys in a slave camp."

I nodded.

Jenny had been quietly listening to us the whole time. From behind my back. She had slipped around me undetected while I was yelling at Riversong, something that should be impossible in heels.

I guess she assumed that I intended to resort to violence, and she planned to have the drop on me.

When she spoke, I almost jumped.

"You're basing this whole premise on a vision," said Jenny. "A vision we cannot even determine the validity of."

Riversong didn't seem convinced. "Time Lord energy is very powerful. I don't doubt that the Doctor's life force can grant a companion great knowledge. I have experienced the effects of this energy first hand."

"So, what, you're going to turn into a big bad slave master now?"

Riversong shrugged. "Who knows what the future holds? Perhaps in some parallel future I am as evil as he claims."

And then she locked eyes with me. "But I am not so right now. I can assure you that I want nothing with slaves, or the Quarks. To the best of my knowledge, all Quarks were obliterated in the slave uprising on planet Dulkis, decades ago."

I swallowed. "They came back."

Riversong gave me a solemn nod. "Then I'll keep an eye out."

She glanced at Jenny.

"We all will," she agreed. "Regardless of whether the vision is true or not, we can't be too careful."

"I'm going to take a look around," Riversong said, marching down the hallway.

"Is everything cool?" Joe asked me.

"Probably not," I said. I didn't wish to belabor my point any further, so I gave him no explanations.

"So that statue over there is going to force us to break open rocks on an alien planet."

I wondered if the Doctor did so much repeating in this line of work. "In a manner of speaking."

"We know the future, though. So we can do something about it, right?"

Harvey leaned over his shoulder. "It didn't work in The Terminator."

"Yes it did. Remember how he beat the T1000 at the end of part two?"

"Yeah, but in part three, it's all useless because the machines still take over, and it's the end of the world!"

I rolled my eyes. "Guys, this is not a movie. We've got to think this through logically. I'm only seeing glimpses of the future, so I need to investigate things before jumping to any more conclusions."

"Can we eat before we do all that?" Harvey asked. "I'm starved!"

Joe shot him a skeptical look. "C'mon, Harv. You just ate a big chicken leg and pizza a couple hours ago. You're not seriously hungry again, are you?"

"I don't know, I'm a growing boy. What can I say?"

"I say you're growing fat." He frowned. "But _I am_ hungry. It's weird. I could have sworn I just ate."

Not wanting to make the same mistake twice, I turned my bracelet around so the symbol couldn't be seen.

I thought about going back to the TARDIS to get my food, but I still had hope that my meal ticket would work, and I wouldn't have to beg for my food this time.

I strolled in the bar.

Same patrons. Same musical playlist. A couple alien songs, then an alien version of _Back In The USSR_. While the boys got stopped by the penguin robot, I flashed my bracelet and ordered tuna steak and a hard lemonade.

The bartender conveyed the order about the tuna steak, then frowned at me. "Let me see that bracelet again."

With a sigh, I held it up, and she turned it around.

She took one glance at the symbol and barked another order to the reptile standing at the kitchen entrance.

"Where's your master?" the bartender said.

As Jenny walked in, I pointed to her.

"Ma'am, is this your pet?"

Jenny glanced at me. "No."

Getting desperate, I doggy begged again. I know, I have no shame.

It worked, of course, but I once more received the scolding about how it supposedly meant nothing.

Jenny did the usual thing of ordering quesadillas and Long Islands.

"Er, um, _Jenny_," I said, attempting another tactic. "Have you ever heard of a movie called _Groundhog Day_?"

The bartender handed her a drink, and she took a sip. "Why."

"Seriously? And you use Facebook?"

"Just because I know about Facebook doesn't mean I've seen every movie that's ever been made."

I shook my head. "Anyway, it's about a guy who keeps living the same day over and over again, it's February second or whenever Groundhog Day is, and he's stuck there, trying to figure out why his day keeps repeating..."

She rolled her eyes. "And you think you're living in that movie now."

"Maybe."

"How does he get out?"

"He wins over the girl of his dreams."

She swallowed the rest of her drink. "_Good luck with that one._"

"Of course," I said. "In that story there aren't any killer robot slavemasters, either."

"So you have to woo the girl and stop the robots."

I laughed. "You're right. It's stupid."

"No, it's insane," she said. "Again, _good luck._"

She ordered another drink.

And then came the inevitable question. "Is it true what they say about Boy Scouts?"

Rolling my eyes, I said, "C'mon. If you're going to ask something, ask it."

She raised an eyebrow. "All right, then. Are you gay?"

"After I dropped all those oh-so subtle hints when I was describing _Groundhog Day_?"

She gave me this skeptical look. "Let's say I'm still not sure, so I must ask again. Are you?"

Ordinarily, I would never respond to this question in the affirmative. But I had gone through this same conversation twice already, so I was willing to try anything to shortcut through it.

"Let's say, hypothetically, that I was. What then?"

She grinned. "Then I'd say, _hypothetically_, that I am too." And she gave me a conspiratorial wink.

"Right," I sighed. "But if you are, then why do you have that ring?"

She held up the gold band for me to see. "Same sex," she exclaimed with great enthusiasm.

I frowned. "And who's the lucky girl."

"Scales."

Goodbye!I thought with disgust.

"You know," I muttered, turning red. "I was only saying that to see how you'd react. Don't go setting me up with any men, okay?"

"If you say so!" she smirked.

Right on schedule, I saw Desiree taking a seat next to Jenny.

Jenny chuckled and pointed that way. "There's a girl for you!"

With a shrug, I got up and walked over that way, seating myself next to the female in question.

As I gazed into that large single eye in the middle of her face, I gave her a warm smile, showing that even though I had no desire to get involved with her romantically, I did actually care about her.

"Hi," I said, hoping our signals wouldn't get crossed.

She blushed, giving me a nervous smile. "Hello."

Too late, I thought.

"Uh, my name's Nick. What's your name?"

It was a mere formality. I already knew she would say Desiree.

Her green eye glittered like an emerald as I admired her odd but pleasant facial features. She appealed to me in the way the cyclops kid from _Percy Jackson _was appealing. Not sexy, but nice.

"I don't believe it!" Jenny cried. "Nick, I was only joking!"

"It's not funny," I said. "Desiree is a person, too."

The human Dalek was practically glowing with emotion now, but it couldn't be helped. She seemed to have a poor self image, and would try to commit suicide if someone didn't stand up for her and make her feel like something. I figured I'd have plenty of time to work on my "just friends" speech when I was back in the brig once more, or on that planet breaking rocks.

"Who is this?" Desiree asked. "Your friend?"

I nodded. "This is Jenny, uh..."

I was never that good with names.

"It's _Flint_," she said. "Jenny Flint. Though I was contemplating Vastra at one point."

"Oh I'm sure you contemplate her a lot more than that," I muttered.

She stuck out her tongue.

"Is she your girlfriend?" I could tell she was partly dreading the answer.

"No," Jenny said. "He's actually gay."

I smacked my forehead.

"Is it true?"

"I..." I stared at that large green eye and thought about it for a moment.

To be honest, I would rather die than even joke about being gay. It was bad enough that I hinted at it in my conversation with Jenny.

Even worse than that, if Desiree knew someone, and she decided to play matchmaker, I might end up going on an unwanted date with somebody named Craig, or Bruno.

But on the other hand, it was the perfect excuse. Don't get me wrong, I like women, but I didn't relish the idea of French kissing a cyclops with brains sticking out of her scalp.

Plus, if she knew enough men to play matchmaker, then she wouldn't need me in the first place.

"Y-yeah," I at last stammered out. My whole face flushed hot with shame at the scandalous lie. "But I'm new here, and I thought you could use a friend."

Desiree grinned, reached out, and squeezed my hand. "It's okay. I understand."

She actually didn't, but I wasn't about to tell _her_ that.

Zanie growled, rubbing her face into the mutant girl's leg. She laughed and petted her.

She then picked her up. "May I?"

I nodded, and she cradles the dog against her chest, giggling as it licks her in the face.

The bartender handed me a tuna fish sandwich, not a tuna steak like I ordered. I also received regular lemonade, rather than the alcoholic kind. At least it was better than I got the last couple times.

While Jenny ate her quesadillas, I noticed her staring at my tentacle headed companion, perhaps admiring her figure. Honestly, aside from the face and head, Desiree didn't look that bad.

"Can I get something for you, miss?" the bartender asked.

Desiree stroked Zanie's head. "Fish and chips."

"Right away, ma'am."

"So," I said. "What brings you aboard the Island Princess?"

She smiled. "Oh, the usual. Just a little R and R."

"Where are you from?"

"The planet Skaro. Where are you from?"

"Earth."

"I've heard that's a nice place. Clean air, oceans..."

"Well, mostly clean air," I said. "Depends on where you go. What's Skaro?"

"It's the planet of the Daleks. There isn't much to look at, really. The whole planet is nothing but rock, like an enormous quarry. I'd like to go to a beach some time."

I tried to hide a chuckle. "Wouldn't the sand get in your brain?"

"Actually, the outer layer is like skin or hair. It only serves a protective function." She dug a finger into the gray matter to illustrate the point.

I repressed a shudder. "Still, you'd be trying to get sand grains out of it for hours."

"I have special tools for that."

Throughout this whole time, Jenny had been quietly eating her food, pretending to ignore us. At last she got up, marching out the door with an expression of mild annoyance.

Following this, Box Turtle Man came in. I was happy not to have to deal with him like I did last time. I watched as he seated himself next to Purple Lady, chatting somewhat pleasantly.

Cute, I thought with a smirk. But if you get on the guy's bad side, you'll probably end up in the hospital.

The Human Dalek received her food, setting Zanie down as she dug in.

Unsure how long she'd believe the lie about me being gay, I tried to find other ways to help her cope with her low self esteem. "Do you...have any family?"

The moment I said this, I realized my blunder. She was cloned. Of course she didn't have a family. Unless someone adopted her.

She tossed Zanie some fries. "No. I only had a military team. Humanoid Unit 668003."

She held up her forearm, and I could see a long row of symbols tattooed into the skin, from wrist to elbow. "This is my serial number."

It almost reminded me of the tattoos the Nazis gave people at their prison camps, but I wasn't sure if this one had the same sinister purpose. "What happened? Why aren't you still with them?"

"Because I objected to the idea of slaughtering millions of innocent lifeforms for the sake of the so-called Dalek master race."

"Those guys sound like Nazis," I said.

She took a bite of her fish. "I suppose there _are_ similarities. But the concept of genocide is not unique to a single planet."

"Now there's a comforting thought," I muttered.

"I'm thankful to the Doctor for stopping the bloodshed. I wish I could have met him."

I just stared at her for a moment, trying to process the information. "The Doctor?"

She nodded. "Have you heard of him?"

"Yeah," I said. "I just went to his funeral. I'm his last surviving companion, apparently."

A tear rolled down her cheek. "When did this happen?"

I paused. "Um, yesterday. It was a weird funeral. Nobody wore any clothing."

She chuckled, then sniffed, wiping away another tear. "That's sad."

She finished her food, then said, "Do you think I'm pretty?"

I stared at her with a complete and utter loss on how to respond.

My gut reaction was no, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings, especially with her problems with depression.

After a long pause, I said, "Why are you asking me? I'm gay, remember?"

Her eye narrowed. "That's just an act. I saw how you looked at that Jenny girl."

I sighed, uncertain about what to say next.

She started crying. "Never mind. You thought too long. I get the idea!"

And she stomped away from the table.

"Desiree, wait!" I cried, hurrying after her.

Unfortunately, at the same time, Mr. Box Turtle Face decided to get up, to go to the bathroom or whatever, and I just happened to plow into him.

"Hey!" he yelled.

I had had just about enough of him. Before he could start his usual threatening rant, I just punched him in the face.

The creature responded by pulling out some sort of gun and firing point blank at my chest.

Coughing up blood and gasping for air, I fell backwards on the floor, and everything slowly went dark.

The last thing I caught in my fading vision was a pair of purple legs kneeling at my side.


	21. Chapter 21: Voodoo Gun

Author's note: I've rewritten most of the previous chapters to make it more mainstream. There were a lot of awkward parts in there that probably made people think twice about commenting, despite the fact I would rather know about the elephant in the room than to be left in the dark.

Oh well.

* * *

><p>To my surprise, I didn't wake up with a dog licking my face.<p>

Instead, I found myself staring up into the harsh glare of a corroded looking surgical lamp.

I lay in a darkened room, with dirty gray metal walls, a room barren save for a pair of small machines and trays of scary looking medical tools.

Mr. Turtle and his purple friend stood above me, frowning as they muttered to each other. For some reason, they looked incredibly large, like _Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman_ large.

I felt oddly small, and my hands and feet felt diminished somehow, like they had been only gloves covering my true hands, and I had lost contact with them, possibly because I now seemed to have two extra "true hands" to put in them.

To my alarm, I noticed I couldn't move my limbs, whatever had become of them, appearing to be either removed or fastened to something, rendering them immobile.

As I attempted to look at my captors, I saw that my vision had also been diminished. I could only see a field of shiny aqua around me, and what was above me. The curvature of my vision reminded me of one of those domed Omnimax theaters. I had the impression I was someone looking out only one eye, like someone had sown the left one shut and placed it over my nose.

My mouth also felt wrong.

"What have you done to me?" I slurred.

My voice sounded wrong, too.

As if in reply, the creature unhooked something on his neck, and then he was peeling his face off.

It turns out it was only a mask, and there was a human being underneath. A strange man with black hair in a widow's peak and a goatee. I gasped in surprise.

The man just laughed. "Thought you were dead, didn't you?"

I stared at him in terror.

"By now, I'm sure you'll be wishing you were!" And he let out a barking laugh.

I could feel my heartbeat pulsing rapidly in my ears. I'm not sure if I actually had ears at this point, but you get the idea.

"You see, I did a little bit of Voodoo with this:" He held up his gun.

I trembled, which only made him appear more smug.

"This isn't your ordinary hand cannon. This weapon is scientifically designed to render its victims permanently comatose. Quite handy for my little surgical experiments."

"Surgical!" I cried. "What the hell did you do!"

He held a mirror over me.

I took one look and screamed.


	22. Chapter 22: Gray Matter

In the mirror, I saw the reflection of a slimy green-yellow headless frog thing with an enormous eye in the center of its stomach. I had a mouth, but it was down at crotch level, and it turned out the thing on top of my neck was just another hand.

The purple dog woman took one look at me, choked down a sob, and walked away.

"It was challenging to stick your brain into such a small body cavity," said the scary bearded man. "But I've had lots of practice with brains ten times larger than yours. Matter is largely composed of air, and you just have to know how to squish it down without losing any of the essential components that go to make up consciousness.

"Oh, and in case you're wondering, it didn't all fit, so I made your dog more interesting."

"Where is she!" I growled.

The man laughed. "Down on the floor, clawing a still life with flowers onto the metal sheeting. Would you like to see her?"

"It's impressionistic!" I heard a raspy voice barking. "The rough scratches are intentional!"

"I'd be surprised to hear the word `smooth' coming out of your mouth," the man mused.

"It's not nice to stereotype."

And then the guy sets Zanie on the table.

She looked the same as ever, really. The only sign of there being any surgery was a small metal box with a blinking light jutting out of her skull.

My dog glanced at the man. "Is this the same man who always feeds me grease and popcorn?"

My tormentor chuckled. "Yes. I believe so."

"He makes me happy. I'm going to lick him."

And then I feel a warm sticky tongue sliding up my naked body. It's funny how you don't notice clothes when you're a tiny green mutant. Well, not until you're wet.

"I like Spanish Mannerist painters, don't you? Especially El Greco. The oddly elongated proportions amuse me. Don't they amuse you?"

My crotch mouth frowned as I realized I had lost an entire year's worth of art history classes.

"Why are you frowning? Do you not like Mannerists? Too elongated and narrow? Maybe you prefer Peter Paul Rubens. He's a Flemish Baroque painter famous for grotesquely plump women and cherubs. Do you like that better? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

"As you can see," the man smirked. "I only took out the useless parts of your brain."

"I should be the one telling you what's useless!" I protested.

"You seem upset," said my dog. "Would you like me to pray for you?"

This really made me scream.

In response, my dog actually said a prayer for me, folding her furry paws in reverence.

"Dear Lord, please give my owner your peace in his heart. Amen."

"You bastard!" I cried. "You think my soul is useless?"

The man snorted. "What is a soul? Where _does_ consciousness truly reside?"

"This isn't a philosophical discussion!" I yelled. "You obviously know a lot about putting people's souls into different bodies and my dog obviously is a protestant!"

The man shrugged. "It's all gray matter to me!"

I sighed. "What's your game? What do you want with me? I only punched you in the face. This goes way beyond tit for tat. What am I? Some pet for your aquarium? A science experiment? Or are you just going to stick pins in me and cook me with a side of shrimp?"

The man laughed so hard that he shed tears and his face turned red. "Please! Don't give me ideas!"

Wiping his face, he said, "No, I have a far more constructive purpose for you, my Lilliputian friend!"

The man undid my restraints, and I found I could move my strange limbs. Of course, right away, his rough hands were closing around me, and I was immobile again.

I mean, I could move if I wanted to, but I was being lifted to what seemed like a skyscraper's height to me, so I didn't want to move.

From my vantage point, the view of the room should have been breathtaking and informative, but I was scared out of my wits, so all I got out of it was I was in some kind of beat up spaceship full of lab equipment and raggedy furniture from the future. It made me think that this might be what you'd see in Captain Pickard's rummage sale.

Zanie's picture, by the way, was magnificent.

I was brought to a back corner, where a slightly battered Quark stood.

I nearly jumped to my death before realizing it didn't move, and there was a little door open in the side of its head.

"As you can see," the man grinned. "It's fresh off the assembly line. Fancy a little spin?"

"No," I said.

"Too bad."

I was shoved inside the opening.


	23. Chapter 23: Quark Pilot

I had been positioned under a seemingly huge dome displaying images of everything around me; front, above, below and behind.

I could see everything from several angles. It reminded me of nature shows where they give you the view from the eyes of a bumblebee, but somehow my brain could process the views simultaneously.

Below this, out of the corners of my eye, I could see a bewildering series of narrow sockets.

The man's bearded face loomed in front of me. "Comfortable?"

"What the hell do you care about my comfort?" I said, but it came out sounding like a robotic insect.

The man laughed. "This is true." And he pushed a button on a device, causing the entry hatch to slide shut.

"Here is the plan, little friend. You figure out how to make this machine work, and I won't, as you say, `_serve you with a side of shrimp_' or `_put you on display in an aquarium._'"

I gulped. It didn't seem to be this man's style to merely kill people.

With such an incentive looming over me, I could only attempt to obey.

Since the thing didn't seem to contain any levers or switches or buttons that I could see, I could only assume that I was to slide my tentacles into the sockets, so I picked a handful at random.

The moment I had one of them stuck in at a certain depth, I felt an electric jolt, and the mad scientist jumped back about a foot in surprise, smirking like a little boy teasing a snarling dog on a short leash.

I fiddled with a couple bumpy things I couldn't see, and the operating table I'd been strapped to exploded.

Instead of being angry, the man yelled "Yes!" with triumphant glee.

Thus encouraged, I continued to experiment.

Throughout the course of an hour, I learned how to fire dart guns, laser beams, and manipulate the machine's glistening metal tentacles.

Then I discovered how to move, or rather, teleport.

Like the flood lamps and night vision mode, I stumbled upon it completely by accident, and the method makes no little or no sense to the human brain.

When I stuck a tentacle into the sleeve and pulled on...whatever it was, I could see a red circle appear on the large screen, and the movement of another tentacle in the opposite sleeve behaved like a slingshot, catapulting me across the room to...wherever it was I moved my tentacle to.

The results were disastrous. My first teleportation sent me directly inside the remains of the lab table in such a way that it seemed I had stuck myself in wet concrete, and no effort of my powerful chrome tentacles did anything but move the table around.

My captor looked annoyed, angry even, but there wasn't much I could do.

"Try it again," he said with an exasperated sigh. "This time don't intersect any objects."

And so I obeyed, pulling back the imaginary slingshot.

When I let go, I saw a flash, and then I found myself surrounded by bright blinding light with searing heat tearing through the metallic shell of my vehicle, burning all the way to me in the core.

I felt like I was in hell.

Oddly, though, it didn't feel like the kind of burning that I'd felt the last couple times I'd died.

This time I could see a machine, glowing and blasting me with waves of white hot energy while a muffled voice screamed, "You fool! You're inside the engine!"

Oops, I thought, but my vehicle apparently wasn't made to withstand a dive into a super atomic reactor, so it refused to budge, the teleporter and other tools either melted or irradiated into uselessness.

Even the view from the monitor was damaged, looking like how a television set looks with a stereo magnet stuck to it. A dull rainbow of incorrect colors with black eyes where the magnets touched, or in this case, energy waves.

For what seemed like an eternity, as I tripped off of all the psychedelic colors, I felt my skin burning, boiling and peeling off, melting to the bone like Cajun frog legs left too long in the skillet.

But then my nerves all went blissfully dead, and so did I.


	24. Chapter 24: Fangs

When I discovered a dog licking my face, and I still had hands, I let out a cry of joy, squeezing her to my chest.

Zanie made a low grumbling sound and squeezed out of my grip.

Oh well, I thought as I shifted myself into a sitting position. I'm still glad that everything is back to normal, and my dog is still my dog.

I turned my head, staring absently at Jenny's prone figure.

When I caught sight of the sonic screwdriver sticking out of her back pocket, I was seized by an idea.

Still asleep, I thought as I crept closer to her. Good.

I hovered over her backside, slowly extending my hand.

Closer to the back pocket.

Closer.

My fingers wrapped around the silvery handle of the device, and I pulled with deliberate slowness, drawing it out with the care (I thought) of a skilled burglar.

What happened next was a confusing blur.

It seemed she had actually been awake at some point, and only feigning sleep.

Yelling something about "touching her bum" she had promptly hurled me into the statue in front of the restaurant, causing me immense pain and a sea of floating stars in front of my eyes.

And then the statue came to life.

Somehow the thing elongated, and tentacles came out of it.

A moment later it was firing a purple laser beam at me and my companions, knocking everyone unconscious.

Well, everyone that wasn't already unconscious, at any rate.

We awoke, once more, inside the prison, but our cell assignments had changed.

With the added presence of Riversong, our jailors the Quarks decided that we shouldn't all be occupying one cell.

Dissuaded from placing anyone into the cell with the invisible criminal, Riversong and Harvey were placed in a cell with Senator Tayari.

Jenny, for some odd reason, was placed in a cell with the Canada goose creature.

Joe still got to stay in the cell with Desiree the human Dalek, but I didn't.

I didn't see Zanie anywhere. My guess was that she had been vaporized again.

Who did I get as a cell mate?

Who, you might ask?

The scary crystal monster with the razor sharp teeth, that's who.

It might have tried to attack the Quarks, but I'm not really sure, since I was unconscious at the time.

All I know is, the moment I woke up and looked around the cell, the thing tackled me to the floor, licked my collarbone with its long snake-like tongue, and bared its fangs.

I screamed, attempting to push it back, but it just bit my hand and licked its lips.

Horrified beyond rational thought, I climbed to the top of the bunk bed, wrapping my wound in my shirt as I watched the creature try to climb up after me.

In seconds, she was up on the bed with me.

Screaming, I tried to get away, but she tackled me to the padding and bared her fangs, driving them deep into my neck.

And then I just laid there, watching as she sucked my blood.

Maybe it was some neurotoxin. Maybe I was thinking that I was trapped in there with her, and I had nowhere else to go. Or maybe I just had strange tastes in women.

A few minutes later, I passed out from blood loss.


	25. Chapter 25: Medical Bay

"What are you reading there?" a voice was saying, or rather, purring, next to me.

I was going to groan something about not reading anything when I heard a young female voice saying, "It's just something from the Storytelling Collective. It's not very good. Even if I overlook the fact he killed my favorite character, it's also incredibly sexist, possibly a bit racist, and another thing, there's too many animal characters in it. That kind of thing only appeals to twelve year olds, and the language is too mature for that audience."

"Did you try sending a message to the author telling him about all this?"

"Why? That would be rude. I prefer to protest silently."

I slowly cracked my eyes open.

I was in a little hospital, a place very white and sterile and smelling of cleaning chemicals.

I've had my fair share of time spent in hospitals, but this one was different.

In addition to the smallness of the hospital itself, the equipment had also been miniaturized for maximum efficiency. They had a breathing machine smaller than a toaster, a wireless EKG machine that plugged into a monitor like those little arcade joysticks you can buy to play every Atari or Nintendo game ever made, and my saline drip was attached to a little mechanical device with spider legs attached to the headboard.

I had been dressed in a hospital gown, albeit a weird alien one that fit me sort of like a toga. The rear side, instead of being fastened with a tie and hanging open, was secured with little magnetic clips like those `magic curtains' they advertise on TV.

I discovered that the purring sort of voice belonged to a nun, of whom I could only see the back of her _Flying Nun_ style wimple, and the other voice came from a teenaged girl with spiky purple hair and goth makeup, who appeared to have broken her arm. One of her hands ran across a glowing piece of paper, tapping something she saw.

She looked up, staring at me. "He's awake."

The figure in the habit turned around, and I could see that the wimple contained a whiskery feline face with a pink triangle for a nose.

Briefly, I recalled a song from The _Sound of Music_ involving kittens and had to repress a chuckle. This nun _literally was_ her `favorite thing.'

This creature approached my bed, handing me a square brown object resembling a candy bar. "Here. Eat this. It will build your nutrient levels back up."

I took a bite and spat it out. It was not candy.

While it presumably contained sugar, it seemed to be simple sugar, and the overall flavor reminded me of liver.

"There there," she purred. "You're never going to recover if you don't build up your nutrients. Eat."

And so I choked the thing down the best I could and laid back on my pillow.

The nun checked my readouts, then walked out of the room.

I glanced at the goth girl. "What's your name?"

"Razor."

I figured that deserved an eye roll. "Right. _Razor. _Do you know anything about the Doctor?"

"Some," she said.

"Do you know how he died?"

She paused and thought for a moment. "What I heard was, he traveled back to New York in 2001 to rescue people from the World Trade Center collapse."

"Assuming that is possible," I said. "Why would he tell me that no one died? Even if he rescued a dozen people from Building One, there's no way he could rescue all of them from everywhere, including the planes. I would have remembered something like that."

"I don't know. It's just a theory. Others theorize it was the Weeping Angels."

That was the second time I'd heard of those things with no explanation. "And what are they?"

"They're...killer statues that chase you when you're not looking. Of course, all of this is conjecture."

The Weeping Angel idea struck me as one of those fairy tales you made up to scare little kids. If I were more honest with myself, I would have admitted that it scared me plenty.

If such a thing existed, that is.

I heard a little growling noise and thought it was Zanie, but it wasn't her.

The girl was holding what looked like a square marshmallow with arms and a face. The thing squirmed and wiggled in her grip, making soft cooing sounds.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's called an Adipose. You want to hold it?"

I shuddered. "That's...okay," I said, feeling a bit unsettled. "Have you seen my dog?"

Razor paused and thought. "No."

The nun came back in. I sighed and stared at the ceiling. "When can I leave?"

She grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "When I determine you're ready to leave."

I groaned and closed my eyes.

The nun walked out again.

"So," said the other patient. "What's the story? What are you doing here?"

I opened my eyes, staring at her pet. "A crazy monster attacked me in prison," I said.

Razor smirked, taking out a small glowing rod, presumably to record me. "And what were you doing in prison?"

And so I briefly outlined my adventures up to that point, omitting the part about time looping and being a frog, of course.

"That would be a great idea for a book," she said with a sigh. "Except for the Boy Scout part. Nobody these days wants to buy a book about Boy Scouts. It offends too many people. Plus you have a cairn terrier. If you connect that to the story about you bumping your head, people think you're ripping off the _Wizard of Oz_. And your love interest!" she stuck out her tongue. "A cyclops thing with a brain! Who wants to read about that! And she's got such a stupid sounding name, too! Desiree the Dalek? I guarantee _that's_ not going to get anywhere!"

I just shook my head in disbelief. "Gee, _I'm sorry my life isn't marketable!_"

I paused. "Wait. Love interest!" I cried. "She isn't anything of the sort!"

The moment I said this, I noticed a figure in a nurse's uniform marching into the room.

"Desiree!" I blurted.

She whirled and stared at me. "How did you know my name?"

"He's been stalking you," said the girl. "Haven't you?"

I swallowed. "Uh...kinda?"

Desiree smirked a little.

"He's really got the hots for you," Razor said.

I was about to shout no, but I realized the lady wasn't in the best mental state, so I just shrugged and didn't say anything.

She let out a little embarrassed giggle, and I almost thought I saw her blush.

Oh boy, I thought.

Regardless of what she thought of me, it seemed she had visited this little hospital for less than legitimate reasons, hence the suspiciously ill fitting uniform, and the reason why she made a beeline to a locked refrigerated cabinet the moment she set foot in the room.

"You never explained how you knew my name," she said, pressing her palm to the lock.

For a moment, the question didn't register in my brain, due to me being distracted with her, er, how poorly fitting her uniform was.

"Oh?" I blurted as an afterthought. "A...little Time Lord told me."

I'd already attempted to explain the time loop thing to two people, and the skepticism was getting a little old.

To further distance myself from the subject, I added, "Hey, you don't know anything about a giant bomb on this ship, do you?"

She whirled around, giving me a glare that made me think of a one eyed Medusa. "What do you know?"

"Nothing," I said. "I'm just tired of getting blown up, that's all."

"Impossible!" she gasped. "It's not supposed to do that!"

"It's not supposed to do what?"

She shook her head violently. "Never mind." And she turned back around, stuffing her pockets with bottles from the cabinet.

"Did you put the gas in the air system a few hours ago?" I asked her.

She didn't reply.

I heard footsteps, and all of a sudden she got up, yanking the IV out of my arm.

To my surprise, it didn't hurt, since this place had apparently progressed in technology beyond the use of stoppers and needles for IV's.

She pulled me out of the bed, and I staggered, light headed and dizzy, behind her as she led me to the door.

Before I could understand what she was planning, she opened a few cabinets, shoving various medical supplies into my hands and pockets, which, strangely enough, existed on my gown.

"Sorry to do this,' she said with an apologetic smile. "I really think you're a nice guy, and I really do like you, but certain things have to be done."

And then she kisses me on the cheek.

Before I could decide whether to be happy or disgusted, the cat nun walks in, and she darts away from me, yelling about how I'm stealing medical supplies.

I try to protest, but I'm dizzy so my words come out in mumbles, and what is coherent comes out sounding unconvincing..

The next thing I know, she's gone, and Odd Eye is dragging me back down to the prison, throwing me into that same exact cell where I almost died from blood loss.

"You're back," the crystal creature purred.

"No!" I cried in alarm as she leapt at me, but she didn't care.

It didn't matter what I said. A few seconds later, she was sinking her teeth into my neck.

This time when I passed out, I awoke on the floor, right where the thing had left me.

Weak from blood loss, it took a supreme effort for me to shift into a sitting position.

I was only dully aware of the Quarks as they arrived to take us to slave camp.

When they found out I was too weak to even stand, a panel opened on one of the Quarks, and I felt shrapnel ripping through my chest and vital organs.

Everything went dark.


	26. Chapter 26: Buffet

For the sixth, possibly seventh time in a row, I found Zanie licking me awake. I failed to understand what was so tasty about my face.

Shoving her aside, I got up, and my eyes immediately went to the bracelet on Harvey's wrist. Dangling over Joe's shoulder like a glittering piece of candy, the theft was a temptation I was finding less and less resistance to.

I was tired of being treated like a dog, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to swap bracelets with someone. I had decided against Jenny, since I'd already had quite enough of performing in a one man acrobatics show. And not Riversong, either, for similar reasons. But Harvey...

I reasoned that he wouldn't starve, he'd just be forced to eat "dog food" like I'd been having for the last two or three attempts, and it wouldn't hurt him to lose a little weight. Again, I didn't bother with the TARDIS, because I figured he and I still had access to food, either way.

Well, until someone at last finds out that our bracelets are fake.

I was only going to borrow it for a few minutes anyway.

And so, as quietly as I could manage, I crept across the floor to his drooling unconscious form, tugging on his wrist band.

It didn't come off. His chubby fists were clenched tight, probably in some nightmare about fighting a rotisserie chicken or something, so the band was stuck on his fat wrist.

His heavy lids slowly cracked open. "Man, _what are you doing?_"

"N-nothing," I stammered, jerking back.

Seeming to think nothing of my strange behavior, Harv closed his eyelids again.

I thought he had gone to sleep again, so I crept back over to him, rotating the bracelet on his wrist to see how I could remove it.

His eyelids flew wide open. "You got your own bracelet, man!" he yelled. "_Leave mine the freak alone!"_

I'm sure he would have said something stronger if he knew I didn't have a bar of soap handy.

Turning red, I said sorry, pretending to look the other way as Joe woke up, complaining about Harv drooling on him.

When I looked back, I saw the fat kid unclasping something on the wrist band, and it came off without him sliding it over his fist. He rubbed and itched the irritated flesh beneath, then clasped the band back on.

Aha! I thought, but could do nothing about it now that he was awake.

Deciding there was nothing of interest to be seen in Captain Salty's, and a change of scenery was long overdue, I grabbed my pet and marched down the hallway opposite the one she always fled down, wandering into the banquet hall a few yards beyond.

It was an elegant black tie affair, but I was wearing the dead guy's suit, so nobody bothered me.

It was a crowded place full of strange and unusual lifeforms, some like robots, or deformed people.

In the corner, a band played, a strange looking quartet featuring a three eyed bear beast, two of those bug eyed badger things, and a shiny gray robot with a black metal eyestalk and a pair of lights on its head.

They played genuinely alien music, nothing I recognized, like a real life counterpart of the _Star Wars_ cantina band.

The candlelit tables and booths were all covered in fine linen, maintained by well dressed aliens of various species. Near the back of the room, under a giant ornate clock, I could see a buffet full of delicious looking food. Wine, champagne and starch were the strongest scents.

Before I could reach it, I noticed a familiar pink shape swaying drunkenly in one of the booths.

Rolling my eyes, I approached the creature, cringing as he warbled out a song a little too loudly.

"Eyestalks on Daleks,

And whiskers on cat nuns,

Hot desert planets

Encircled by twin suns,

Bright silver spaceships

Powered by strings,

These are a few of my favorite things..."

Zanie growled and gave him a few nervous barks.

"Senator Tayari!" I cried, attempting to prevent his future imprisonment.

The seemingly blind bug face appeared to stare at me for a moment. "Do I know you?"

"I'm a fan," I lied. "I think you did a brave thing, blocking the Interplanetary Mining Corporation's activities on planet Tenguk 9."

It was the first thing that popped into my head. I didn't know what it meant, but I remembered he said it once.

Despite being drunk, the Senator didn't seem to buy it. I got that suspicious look again.

"So you approve of the NIMWAC initiative and all it entails?"

I nodded, but that proved to be the wrong answer. The moment I responded thus, a pair of claws clamped around my throat.

"Well don't! It took only two minutes to get that bill signed, and the rest of my political career to undo even a quarter of the damages! How dare you come to my personal table and claim to be a friend when you are in fact nothing of the sort! You, sir, can depart from my presence at once!"

He shoved me to the floor.

I dropped the leash, but Zanie stayed by my side, uttering low growls at my attacker.

I considered asking the Senator his opinions on planetary ecology, but I decided I didn't care.

A few seconds later, Clara and Glynus marched up to the table, glancing between the Senator and myself and back again.

"Sir," Clara said, kneeling down to my level. "Has Senator Tayari harmed you?"

"Uh no!" I blurted. "Really. It's my fault. You know what they say. `Never discuss religion or politics...'"

Her eyes narrowed skeptically.

"Did you know the Senator can sing?" I said.

Glynus nodded. "Loudly."

"Well, when he's sober, he's the..." I paused, momentarily dreading what I'd be unleashing. "He's the greatest singer I've ever heard. Why, I have a whole collection of recordings of him...singing. In fact, I signed up for this cruise for the sole purpose of hearing him sing. And get his autograph."

Clara and the badger thing glanced at each other, rolling their eyes.

"It's your funeral," Odd Eye said to me.

Clara handed me a little tablet computer and a stylus. "Sign on the line." 

I frowned. "Why."

"It's a form saying we offered to remove a potentially life threatening individual from your presence and you declined."

I took the pad and signed. "I trust the Senator with my life."

She glanced at the screen and frowned. "Wait. Your signature doesn't match anything on the ship roster."

I shrugged. "I was tired and in a hurry."

I could tell my her facial expression that she didn't buy it. At least, not completely.

"Did you know my hands shake when I have low blood sugar?"

I still didn't completely sell it, but I was getting close. After all, it was a half truth, so I simply had to hold out one shaking hand to demonstrate my point.

"See? My sugar isn't even that good right now. That's why I was going to the buffet."

They looked at me suspiciously for a moment, then Glynus gave Clara a nod, his eyestalks bouncing with the motion. "Completely insane."

Clara nodded back. "Mental. Definitely."

"Enjoy the buffet," the badger thing said, and the two walked away, though they continued casting me suspicious glances from time to time as they patrolled the room.

"Thank you," the Senator said to me. "It takes a big Vimzic to strangle someone over politics, but it takes a bigger one to forgive him."

He paused. "You really like my singing?"

I shrugged. "It lightens the mood."

"The odd thing is, I don't recall ever making recordings."

Swallowing, I said, "Uh, you didn't. Um, there's people with tape recorders You just don't know."

Tayari came close, breathing down my neck in that way that said he'd strangle me again. "What people?"

"Uh, are you familiar with the Paparazzi? The press?"

This seemed to appease him, but he was growling.

"You make it sound like a bad thing," I continued. "They didn't record you doing drugs or sex or whatever it is that gets you into trouble, they're just recording you making beautiful music. You should be glad to be so lucky."

The Senator plopped down in his booth, staring at his drink. "You should do something about that blood sugar," he muttered.

And so I marched off to the buffet, careful to hide the pet symbol on my wristband before getting too near.

Despite containing several types of alien food that stared or snapped back at me, it was still a decent spread, and the dessert section excused its lack of breakfast options, though the mincemeat pie didn't appear to be made out of the correct ingredients.

My nose detected a rich mouthwatering combination of foods hidden among the pink manure scented scallions and ferret musk smelling toadstools that apepared to breathe when I leaned over them.

I grabbed some ribs, which seemed a little too blue to be from a cow, a slice of something with the shape of watermelon but the color of a grape, and deviled eggs.

When I reached the end of the table with a loaded plate, I was stopped by a little guy in a suit with a face like a hairless mole, all wrinkled and toothy.

"I need to scan your bracelet, sir."

He took out a little device, waving it over my arm.

Without warning, he took my plate away. "I'm sorry, we don't serve food to pets."

And he dumps my food into a bin next to the table.

I seriously considered decking him, but I noticed Joe and Harv entering the room, escorted by the penguin bot, and decided against it. I was an Assistant Scoutmaster, after all, and I was supposed to show good citizenship.

Okay, so that wasn't the only reason.

Distracted from the buffet, I suddenly noticed the cyclops in a party dress seated in one of the corner booths.

Since she was alone, I took the seat across from her, mostly because I was hoping to coerce her into bringing me a plate.

"Hi," I said, setting the leash handle on the table. "What's a nice...uh, human Dalek doing in a place like this?"

She glanced around the room, as if checking for hidden cameras or snickering cohorts. Seeing none, she looked at me with blushing cheeks.

"Hi," she replied with nervous apparent in her voice. "I'm Desiree. What's your name?"

So I told her. Again.

"So," she said. "What brings you onboard the Island Princess?"

I feigned a yawn. "Oh, nothing that interesting. I just went camping with the Boy Scouts and found out I inherited some wacky spaceship called a TARDIS, which took me here. How about you? How did you end up on this ship?"

Her eye darted back and forth. "Promise you won't tell anyone. Especially security."

I laughed. "Did you see that scene I had with them just a few minutes ago?"

Blank look. "No?"

"I wouldn't go near them." I extended my ring, middle and index fingers. "Scout's honor."

She grinned, looking visibly relieved.

She then leaned forward, glancing to and fro. Her voice lowered. "I'm a stowaway."

I smiled. "That makes two of us."

Zanie barked at her. She knelt down and petted the animal. "This is cute!" she said. "What's its name?"

I told her.

"Well it's a very nice dog," she said, picking her up.

It was then that I noticed I had an audience. The two boys were standing next to the table, giggling, muttering and elbowing each other.

"Gee, Nick!" Joe laughed. "Interesting choice of females!"

Looking hurt, Desiree dropped the dog.

Noticing her reaction, I covered with, "So what? Maybe I like interesting."

Joe chuckled and shook his head. "Did you get tired of the other one?"

"Other one!" Desiree cried, her face scrunched up in outrage.

"Yeah!" said Harvey. "What about Jenny?"

"Jenny!"

Desiree bolted to her feet. "What kind of woman do you take me for!"

"A woman who isn't lesbian," I blurted. "A woman that actually likes me."

"Man.." Harvey said, shooting Joe a knowing glance.

"Yeah," Joe muttered. "That's _got to be tough._"

Desiree sat back down.

"Well," Joe said, looking a bit ill. "I guess I'll leave you to _get your mack on_."

I winced.

They walked off.

"Mack?" Desiree said with suspicion. "What's a mack?"

"I don't know," I said. "I don't have a Mac. I only have a PC."

That didn't help.

"Uh...they think I'm going to be a _smooth dude_, and I'm not, okay?"

Desiree laughed. "Okay."

She pointed in the direction of the departing scouts. "Are those your friends?"

"Yeah," I said. "I'm an Assistant Scoutmaster."

When she didn't get it, I explained scouting.

"You sound like a very kind and noble male."

"I guess I am. Sometimes."

She grabbed my hand. "Do you want to dance?"

I really wanted to say that I just wanted to eat, but I didn't want to make it obvious that she was my meal ticket. Well, at least, if the bracelet on her arm actually worked.

So, hooking part of Zanie's leash onto the table, I nodded and got up, following her out to the middle of the floor as the band did an alien rendition of Ozzy Osbourne's _Time After Time_.

I only knew one dance. The two step. Half the time, those two steps were on Desiree's toes, but she didn't mind.

"Do you think all those advertisements about this cruise are right?"

I swallowed. "Which ones?"

She leaned closer, almost within kissing range. "The ones about even the unlikeliest people finding love."

"Anything's possible," I said, half dreading her response.

The bump of her nose touched my larger one, then our lips touched.

It probably would have progressed further, but I was interrupted by Joe screaming as something on the buffet snapped down on his fingers.

Somewhat relieved to have a distraction, I ran to the buffet, glancing between Joe's bloody hand and his colorless face.

The mole thing just smirked, pried the biting food off of Joe's hand, and bandaged him up.

"Will he be okay?" I asked.

Yes, I knew something about first aid, but I didn't know what kind of infections you could get from biting food from outer space.

"It looks worse than it is," the buffet attendant said. "It's only surface damage."

In the background, I thought I heard the band playing _Stop This Game_ by Cheap Trick.

Once Desiree saw that the boy's injury was treated, she glanced at me expectantly. "Want to dance some more?"

"Uh..." I stammered, unsure if it were a right moment to start begging her for food. "Maybe later. I'm kind of hungry."

She nodded. "I'll be at my table."

Harvey popped up in front of the victim. "Man! You should have seen Nick! He was _that close_ to making out with Medusa!"

I tapped him on the shoulder. "Uh...they won't let me have any food. They think I'm a pet. Can you please get me a plate?"

"What!" he cried indignantly. "I catch you trying to rip off my meal ticket and you're asking _me_ to get you food? You gotta be freaking kidding me!"

"Problem?" Joe asked, waving around his bandaged fingers.

Harv puffed out his cheeks. "I'll say! The fool be trippin'! Asking me for food right after he almost stole from me. Shoot!"

Joe frowned at me, shaking his head. "What kind of scout leader steals from kids?"

Harvey gave me a fierce scowl. "A scout is supposed to be trustworthy and loyal and all that, but I sure ain't seeing it!"

Joe muttered to Harvey, and they both chuckled.

"Would serve him right," Harvey agreed to whatever it was.

"All right," Joe said. "We'll let you have a plate, providing you fulfill the following conditions. First, we will select what you're going to eat. Secondly, you will be responsible for putting that snapping pincer thing on your plate, and third, but certainly first and foremost, you have to French cyclops girl."

I gulped. "How do you know I didn't want to do that anyway?"

I actually didn't, but I was trying to get out of this any way I could.

Joe shrugged. "Let's just say I was unconvinced. But if I'm wrong, it should be super easy for you, right?"

"Right," I frowned.

I thought for certain I would faint before I got to her table. In addition to the very real blood sugar problem, I was really nervous. My legs felt weak, unable to support my weight.

I crept back to the table, smiling at my quote-unquote `love interest.'

"Lose your appetite?" she asked.

"Uh...no. I'm just waiting for them to put the barbecue pizza out."

I didn't know for a fact they actually had pizza. I certainly hadn't seen any, but it seemed like a plausible enough excuse, and she didn't question it. She just nodded.

"So..." I said, easing my way into the subject. "We were...in the middle of something..."

Desiree blushed. "I know. It was a mistake."

"Are you sure it was a mistake?" I prodded.

She sunk back in her seat. "You broke away rather quickly. I thought I was being too forward."

I shook my head. "No no. It's not you. One of my boys was in trouble. Thank heavens it wasn't anything serious!"

Desiree nodded, her eye growing bigger. "Yes. _Thank heavens!_"

"So..." I urged. "Want to dance some more?"

She grimaced. "I don't even like this song."

I hadn't been paying attention, but the band had been playing a modified version of a Miley Cyrus song.

"I don't either," I said with a frown.

She leaned over the table. "You seem like you're really good with children."

Oh, I thought with a sinking feeling in my stomach that had nothing to do with hunger. So we're having _that discussion_.

I nervously leaned closer anyway.

"Are you married?"

"No," I said.

"No kids?"

I reddened. "No."

"No girlfriends?"

"No. But you already guessed that, right?"

She gave me a wink. "You never know."

Oh boy, I thought, fighting the urge to run away screaming. I guessed that, while many men have a fear of commitment from time to time, they never had to deal with anything like this.

"You ever think about having kids of your own?"

I paled. "Sometimes?"

"Well," she grinned, seeming to be blushing again. "Once you have your...Hawaiian pizza, we should go for a walk in hydroponics and talk about some things."

"That sounds...interesting," I said, trying ignore my trembling hands. Was it hunger or fear? I'm not really sure.

"It is," she said. "And very romantic. Did you know they had over eight thousand types of flowers in there?"

I stared at her in amazement. "Really? That many?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well then, I'd like to see-"

Before I could say anything more, she grabs the lapels of my borrowed Time Lord suit, pulling me into an unexpectedly passionate full mouth kiss.

Needless to say, it was a little strange, being that her tongue had fluted openings in it where wormy things shot out, there was a hole down the middle, and it tasted like onions and lemon cough drops.

It was gross, but oddly pleasant. Although I wasn't sure I'd do it again, I couldn't say I wouldn't if the opportunity presented itself.

The cheers and wolf whistles from the peanut gallery told me I had accomplished the established goal. I pulled away fast.

"Wow," I gasped, half acting, half genuine.

I glanced toward the buffet. "I...think I'll go check for barbecue again."

She smiled. "If you find any, bring me some."

I didn't get but a couple feet from the table when Joe came up to me, raising a hand in anticipation of a high five. I returned the gesture half heartedly.

"That was _awesome_!" he laughed. "Get whatever you want from the table! You've earned it!"

All this he said a little too loudly for anyone's good.

A second later, I heard Desiree yelling, "So that's all this was? Some kind of stupid bet?"

"No?" I stammered.

"It's more like a dare," Joe said, digging the hole deeper.

The next thing I know, I'm being slapped so hard across the face that I'm seeing stars and I can feel the shape of her hand burning a raised mesa onto my cheek.

She stormed away, choking down sobs.

"Ouch," Joe muttered.

I glanced at the buffet, then at the retreating figure.

Fearing she would succeed in cutting her wrists, I turned and ran after her.

"Leave me alone!" she yelled. And then, under her breath, I heard her saying, "I can see why the Daleks exterminated them. They're all pigs."

"You got me all wrong!" I said. "I told him he was betting on a sure thing, but he didn't believe me."

She whirled around. "What, that I was easy?"

I paled. "No?"

Then I backpedaled. "I mean, we were almost kissing before, and neither one of us minded..."

Her eye narrowed. "And if you got into my pants, you'd earn the deluxe room, is that it?"

"No!" I protested.

She shook her head sadly. "Don't bother to explain. I don't want to hear it. Just leave me alone."

And she stomped down the hallway.

Undeterred, I hurried after her. "I was serious about taking a walk in hydroponics."

"That's nice," she said sarcastically. "It's on the other end of the ship. Have fun!"

And she marched away faster.

I thought about asking her about her mission to stop the Quarks, but wasn't sure it would do any good. I knew precious little about her motives or emotional states, other than her being depressed.

I sighed. It's hard to help people who don't want to be helped, especially the suicidal.

I didn't really know what to do, so I just let her walk away. Anyways, I figured I could go visit her in her room later to make sure she's okay.

I returned to the buffet and found the boys waiting impatiently.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I just got dumped."

Joe handed me a plate. It contained mostly freakish stuff like the finger eating rhubarb thing, the glowing blue watermelon pieces, and a purple-green crustacean that looked more like lice under a microscope than crab, and alien earthworms.

The only thing that looked good was the "crab" and the chunk of ribs in navy blue sauce. Still, I was happy to have food, so I took the plate to Desiree's booth, attacking the stuff with a knife, fork and some weird silver implement reminding me of a tiny pipe wrench.

I felt guilty about eating while Desiree was off moping or worse, hurting herself, but if you don't want help...

After watching me eat and feed my dog alien tidbits for a few minutes, Joe said, "I'm going to explore. Let me know if you see your girlfriend again, or get sick from that alien crap you're eating."

He and Harvey both walked off to other parts of the ship.

Hearing the sounds of a struggle, I turned and saw Clara and Odd Eye carting the Senator away from his booth.

I got up and ran to them.

"Hey!" I cried. "That's my friend! What's he done now?"

"Public drunkenness," said Clara. "It's for his own good. We're putting him in the brig to cool off a little."

"Okay," I frowned. "_If you really think he needs it._"

She stared at me for a moment, as if re-evaluating her own judgment.

I've tried saying similar things to cops that pull me over for speeding. It didn't work this time either.

The guards towed my friend out of the room like a sack of old potatoes, Glynus, of course bearing the heavier part of Tayari's weight.

There was nothing I could do, so I examined the Senator's table to see if there were any personal items I could bring to him in the brig.

Okay, well maybe I had other ideas, but that was the nobler one.

Next to a half finished glass of something that looked like antifreeze, I found a copy of _The Invention of Morel _by Adolfo Bioy Cesares.

I sat down with my dog and read the book cover to cover. It was about people on an island recording a week of their existence for playback for all eternity, or whenever the machine broke down, whichever came first. The hero, an outsider to this process, falls in love with a recording of one of the women, and he solves his dilemma by `taping' himself over the image of the girl's boyfriend.

The solution was sad and pathetic, and people's lives were not at stake, so this idea did me no good. It only illustrated to me that getting anywhere close to a machine like this would be as dangerous as playing around inside a self burying coffin.

I put the book down, ashamed that I had wasted so much time, but then again, no one said I had to do anything. I only had assumed, on the basis of getting second chances, that I had a chance to do something I wasn't able to do the first time.

So I unhooked Zanie and walked her down the hallway to hydroponics.

Indeed, it was magnificent. Under fluorescents, a million colors exploded in bright petaled plants, some that watched me as I passed by, others that gobbled insects with speeds unheard of in plants. One of them blasted me with pollen, which I brushed off at once, but couldn't completely eliminate. I sneezed nonstop after that.

It was a sea of scents, ranging between the ordinary rose and jasmine smells to the weird and unpleasant.

I stared with fascination as squid-like creatures with football shaped heads pruned vines, packed in dirt, harvested and took care of other horticultural tasks.

Little abstractly patterned orange rodents darted in between the plants so quickly that I couldn't tell what breed they were, or what they were. They had the shape of rabbits, but it was hard to tell exactly what I was looking at from two second glimpses.

Deciding I'd given Desiree ample time to calm down, I thought it high time to stop by her room. I left hydroponics, marching off down the long corridor that led to the stairs, and Desiree's room.

Up top, the door was cracked open, just like before, but when I pushed it open, I discovered I had failed, maybe even made things worse.

The human Dalek lay sprawled on blankets caked with drying blue blood, her one eye staring vacantly at the ceiling, ebbing streams of robin's egg trailing down her arms like she'd cut open a bottle of laundry detergent instead of her wrists.

It was surreal as it was tragic. I knelt by her side and wept, crying incoherent apologies to no one.


	27. Chapter 27: Blue Blood

I grabbed Desiree's corpse by the shoulders. "But you were going to help us stop the Quarks!" I yelled with tears in my eyes. "How could you do something so selfish! And only because of me!"

I dropped to my knees and cried some more.

Zanie licked me furiously, perhaps in attempts to comfort me.

Under the bed, I could see the corner of a rusty orange box, but I thought nothing of it, because I really didn't know what kind of luggage a Human Dalek carried.

Drying my eyes, I stumbled out of the room, informed the bear bot about the body, and the suicide, and stumbled downstairs.

The moment I hit the bottom of the staircase, I was stopped by Odd Eye on one side, Clara on the other.

"Come with me," the girl said, snatching the dog lead out of my hands.

Zanie growled.

I followed them on into the engine room, but instead of turning a corner and going to the brig, Glynus typed in a security combination on a little door set flush in the wall, leading me into a little office.

It was basically a desk and some chairs. The back wall was a window overlooking space. On the desk was a little gray box, which Clara used to make the holographic image of a keyboard and a floating piece of paper.

Clara secured Zanie's lead with a ring on the edge of the desk, and the two officers each took seats behind the desk, gesturing for me to sit across from them. Then they interrogated me about Desiree's death.

I thought at first I had a good alibi going. I was a legitimate passenger onboard this crazy ship full of aliens, I met Desiree in a bar, and we broke up at the buffet place, Desiree slashing her wrists a short time afterward.

However, it turned out the `cruise' had been going on for awhile, so it made my alibi a little flimsy.

I tried to patch up the holes in my story by playing dumb and asking questions, but if you know anything about cops, you'd know that they ask questions, they don't answer any.

"Where did you board at?" Clara asked. "What planet?"

Considering the unlikeliness of a space yacht dropping by Earth, I decided to fib a little. "Barsoom."

Clara narrowed her gaze. "Barsoom is fictional. Unless you meant Mars, which would be just as improbable. Want to try it again?"

"Okay, okay," I said with a fake smile. "Just kidding! Gee!"

"Where." she repeated.

I figured if she knew about Barsoom, she definitely knew about Tatooine, Vulcan, and Arrakis, though attractive, would be a fifty fifty shot. "Spengo," I said. "I boarded at Spengo Spaceport."

She rolled her eyes. "Never heard of it."

Since it hadn't worked, I said, "Great movie. You should see it."

Glynus grabbed me by the neck, breathing heavily in my face. His breath smelled like rotten tacos and dish soap. "Did you put knockout gas in the air system?"

"No," I said. "But this is the second, maybe third time in a row that you've asked."

"Funny," he growled. "I seem to remember nothing about the other two times."

"Whatever. I didn't do it."

"Where did you board at?" Clara asked again.

"All right. I boarded at Skaro. Have you at least heard of that one?"

"Yes," she said, looking unimpressed. "The problem is, this cruise doesn't go within a million light years of its outer orbit."

"Ah!" I said, feeling clever. "That's what you think!"

She seemed to recoil at that statement. "So you're a Dalek spy. Is that what you want us to believe?"

I gulped. "Uh..."

"In case you don't understand the subtlety, what you're doing is basically equivalent to a burglar confessing to be Jack the Ripper. It does you no good to lie about it."

"But there are Daleks onboard," I said.

"Ex-Daleks. There's a difference."

"All right," I sighed in frustration. "Fine. I'll tell you the honest truth. Here it is. I'm a stowaway, and I was hiding in a blue box for half the trip. The rest of what I told you is the truth." I withheld the part about traveling through space and such, since it would hurt, not help, my alibi.

In response, Clara looked like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water on her head. "Did you say a..._blue box_?" Her tone of voice reminded me of someone inquiring about their grandmother's ashes. Touchy subject, I figured.

I nodded my head vigorously.

She frowned. "Funny, I didn't see a blue box anywhere in the engine room."

"That's right, it's cloaked," I muttered to myself. "Never mind the blue box. I was just hiding in a room down there." I paused. "Inside _a_ box."

Clara scrunched up her face. "This is going to sound a little weird, but did it make an odd grinding sound? The blue box, I mean?"

My jaw dropped. "What?"

She imitated the noise I heard the machine make.

"Yes," I sighed. "Why?"

Clara looked at Glynus, whispering something to him.

The creature looked puzzled, frowned at us both, and stepped out. To his credit, the door stayed locked.

She glanced around conspiratorially, then leaned over the desk, speaking to me in hushed tones. "I know this sounds crazy to be asking, but can that blue box travel through space and time?"

I shrugged. "I know it can travel through space..."

"Where is it now? The TARDIS?"

"Uh..." I wasn't sure if she could be trusted with that information, but I guessed if she was on the companion list that Madame Vastra mentioned, she deserved the benefit of the doubt. "Uh, it's cloaked. Chameleon mode, I think they said it was. It used to be a blue box, but it isn't now."

"The Chameleon Circuit!" she cried. "Of course!"

She jumped to her feet, leaning over the desk as she stared at me with an expression of absolute astonishment.

"I knew it! You're really him! You're the Doctor! You're even wearing the same clothes!"

I smacked my head. "No. I'm really not. He's dead. This is a borrowed suit."

She slumped her shoulders. "Damn. That's right. I went to his funeral."

I squinted at her, straining my memory for anything associated with this woman. Nothing.

"Really? I don't remember seeing you there."

"It was a big crowd. Nice speech, by the way."

I frowned at her. "It was kind of impromptu." And then I noticed the pieces weren't fitting together. "How can you give me the third degree about being here at a suspicious time when you yourself popped over to a funeral on planet Who Knows Where and just recently popped back here?"

"I'm in several places at once," she said.

"Impossible girl," I muttered. "Now I remember. You jumped into a time warp or something, right?"

She nodded. "More or less."

"_Right._" I took a deep breath. "If you buy all that stuff, maybe you'll believe it when I tell you I'm reliving the same day over and over."

"Like a time loop?" she said with excitement growing on her face.

"Uh, yeah." And I explained the whole situation I'd been running into the entire time I'd been on the ship.

"Here's what I know so far. The ship is overrun by machine things called Quarks, who want to make everyone here into their slaves."

"Preposterous!" Clara exclaimed. "The Quarks are only here for security purposes! We're paid a commission to transport them to Durnash. That's it! Everyone on this ship is soft bodied and weak! Vacationers! They don't have the muscle to be good slaves! Why on earth-"

"I think they need soft bodied people to do delicate work. At any rate, there's also a bomb on this ship somewhere, and it will kill the Quarks and just about everyone remotely close to the thing. In an alternate version of reality, Desiree is alive and she helps out, but now she's dead, and I don't know what that will do to reality."

Clara paused and thought for several moments. Glynus knocked on the door and asked if she needed anything, but she told him no, and he was dismissed.

"So you're letting me go?" I said hopefully.

She shook her head. "I don't know what's going on, but I'm going to need to keep you here to aid my investigation."

And then I was handcuffed and compelled to located the TARDIS for her.

When we arrived at the entrance of our craft, I found the submarine hatch hanging wide open.

"Uh-oh," I said.

"What?"

I pointed out the obvious.

"Oh. That's not good."

"No it's not."

The moment she looked in, Clara frowned and said, "Bass Pro Shops."

"Do they _have_ those in Britain?" I asked.

"No, but I've been to America. Add a few taxidermy animals and an antler, and this place could be a hunting supply store."

I just shook my head. "That seems to be the general consensus."

"So someone's been here," Clara asked, ignoring the comment.

"I'd say so. Though it could have been Riversong or Jenny, I suppose."

Shrugging, she marched in, peering down the various passageways.

"Looking for something?" I asked.

"Yes. My room."

"What, is this like some sort of boarding house? Why would you have a room?"

"I don't know," she said indignantly. "Why do _you_ have a room?"

"I don't just have a room. I _own_ this thing."

She laughed. "Sure! I believe _that_!"

Her smile faded when she saw my serious expression. "You're not joking."

"No. The decor is actually my fault. I think."

"Well I'm one of the Doctor's friends. That's why I have a room." She frowned as she stared down the tunnels. "Wherever it's been moved to."

She marched down one of the tunnels.

I followed Impossible Girl down that way, staring over her shoulder as she gazed into the storage room.

Immediately, I noticed something missing. The rusty little box that said `Up your nose with a rubber hose!'

"It's gone!" I said, half grinning.

"What's gone? Your taste in decor?"

"No, that was gone a long time ago."

"I've noticed," she smirked.

"I was referring to the _Welcome Back Cotter_ lunch box. It's missing."

This earned me an eye roll. "So?"

"I don't know. Never mind."

She pointed at a shelf piled with so many things that I couldn't tell what was what. "Is that my phone?"

"I don't know."

She marched in, digging through a pile of junk. A section of newspaper fell at my feet, the headline being about some famous female astronaut from Great Britain returning from a doomed Mars mission and blowing her brains out.

Now that's a lovely thought.

The date on the paper and the improbabilities of Britain both having a viable space program and colonizing Mars led me to believe it was a gag. Someone obviously had a sick sense of humor.

Clara dug out a small silver object, poking the buttons. "Huh! It seems this Martha person has missed some calls! About three thousand of them, in fact." She frowned. "Now why does that name sound familiar?"

"That must be some battery," I said. "If it's been sitting in here without a charger long enough to miss three thousand messages. Were they all on the same day?"

She squinted at the screen. "No."

Then she started rooting around in the other shelves.

It was a lucky thing she handcuffed me in front instead of in the back. I took this opportunity to get some real food out of the fridge.

When I came back out of the kitchen a few minutes later to search for the restroom, I heard noises in the main room.

Pressing against a wall, I crept closer to the area, watching as a curvy figure in a Hawaiian shirt and capris marched zombie-like into the room, plucking various odds and ends out of the console thing.

I popped out from hiding, waving my handcuffs. "Hey! Riversong! You'll never guess who I met!"

At that precise moment, I see a silver column appear in the room, and my body is obliterated by shrapnel.


	28. Chapter 28: The Letter

Well, _that_ was productive.

All that effort, and I end back up at square one.

On the floor in front of Captain Salty's. Again.

I guess I should have been glad there _was_ a square one.

Immediately, my attention was drawn to Harvey's meal ticket. I stared at it, trying to figure out where the binding was so I could pull it off without being noticed.

Okay, so maybe I could have played nice and let him go to the buffet while I ate in the TARDIS or begged Jenny for food again. But I had a date to keep.

I could always hand it back anyway.

After working out the method of removing my own bracelet, I crept across the floor as quietly as I could, turning the band around so I could work on the binding.

Another failed attempt.

"Man, _what are you doing?_"

"Uh, I was just checking to see if it was cutting off your circulation."

At least my lies were getting better.

"It's fine man," he said, rubbing the bracelet back and forth across his wrist to relieve an apparent itch.

His eyelids closed again.

I frowned, figuring that was that. Harv was definitely cat napping now, and soon the others would be awake, spoiling my chance.

Joe was riskier, but I didn't see any other good option at this point.

I reached for his bracelet, twisted it around to get at the binding, and my hands got slapped.

"Nick!" he cried. "What the hell!"

"Haven't you noticed that these wrist bands keep getting tighter? I think something's wrong with them."

He rolled his eyes. "The only thing I see getting tighter around here are the blood vessels responsible for getting air to your brain! What, are you suddenly the Bracelet Inspector or something?"

Mustering every dramatic bone in my body, I clutched the wrist I had the bracelet on, acting like it were causing me immense pain. "Aaaugh! My hand!" I screamed.

Joe just shook his head and looked at me like I were an idiot. "Don't quit your day job."

Riversong groaned and sat up. "What's going on?"

"Mr. Bracelet Inspector is being a ham," Joe sighed. "Can please you tell him that these bracelets don't constrict around your wrist and kill you?"

"How do you know that they don't?" Riversong said with a faint smirk.

For a moment, Joe seemed to look convinced, but then he laughed. "For starters, he looks perfectly healthy. There's no bleeding, discoloration or irregular shape indicating injury."

To my chagrin, Joe had not just earned First Aid merit badge, he had actually retained the information.

"Furthermore, he stopped yelling, and he doesn't even look like he's in pain. I've seen better acting in my little sister's school talent show."

"I'm still in pain," I said lamely. "I just bottle it up inside."

"_Right._"

"If he yells like that again," Jenny groaned. "He'll have two new pains to bottle up with it."

Since nothing new could be learned here, I grabbed Zanie and headed down to the banquet hall.

It was a rerun of my previous adventure. Same creatures at the tables, same band.

Seeing an orange crab creature walking my way, I knelt down and knocked on one of its plates.

The thing whirled around, seeming to be a bit indignant. "What."

"Um, excuse me sir, um..."

"Sir? Huh! Are you trying to be insulting, or does it just come naturally? First you knock on my shell like it's a room door..."

"I'm sorry, ma'am. I just wanted to know something. It'll just take a minute."

"Fine," it sighed. "Ask away."

"Do you see any Daleks in here? Other than that girl in the corner?"

The alien crab pointed to the shiny gray robot on the stage, which was now flashing colored lights and making electronic keyboard sounds.

"His name is Schroth, and he's brilliant. Sometimes he opens up his shell and plays the saxophone. Really wild. You should see it."

"Shell?" I said, feeling rather confused.

"He's a Dalek. The metal thing is just his...mechanical assist."

"Like a wheelchair?"

The crab didn't know what a wheelchair was, so I had to explain it.

"Something like that."

She cleared her throat and waddled off.

I found Senator Tayari doing the usual thing, singing drunkenly about his favorite things. Zanie barked at him.

"Senator Tayari!" I said with a forced grin.

"Do I know you?"

"Uh...no?" I said. "But I _would_ like to. I mean, that whole Interplanetary Mining initiative thing..._wow._"

"So you approve of the NIMWAC Initiative?"

"Um, yeah?"

The Senator's claws clamped around my neck.

I should never discuss politics with people when I don't understand what's being said.

"It took only two minutes to get that bill signed, and the rest of my political career to undo even a quarter of the damages!"

He slammed me onto the floor, his claw tightening around my windpipe until I saw stars.

Zanie did not abandon me, but she didn't try to attack, either.

"I thought you cared for the environment!" I gasped. "What's the deal?"

Tayari froze, his eyeless head seeming to stare at me in puzzlement.

His claws loosened. "Wait. Those are _two separate bills_!"

The beetle face almost looked sheepish. "Sorry. I'm drunk." And then he hiccuped, letting me go.

The two security agents approached us shortly afterwards.

Before they could say anything, I blurted, "We were arguing about politics. It's cool. It's all settled now. It's my fault. You know what they say. `Never discuss religion or politics...'"

She gave me that skeptical look.

"We were just about to sing," I told her.

Tayari looked confused. "We were?"

"Yes!" I hissed through my teeth. And then I started in with, "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens..."

The Senator got the hint and joined me.

After a few rounds of that song, the two guards rolled their eyes and walked off, this time without even asking for a signature.

"I like you," the Senator said.

I gave him a smile, quoting his own words back to him. "You know what they say, `It takes a big Vimzic to strangle someone over politics, but it takes a bigger one to forgive him.'"

He laughed. "That's true."

I pointed at Desiree's booth. "See that girl over there?"

"Yeah?"

"I think she's kind of cute. I'm going to go over and talk to her."

Tayari gave me a playful jab. "Good luck, _muwrux_."

I gave him a suspicious glance, but then decided it was some sort of affectionate nickname and just nodded appreciatively.

And then I walked over to Desiree's booth and took a seat, introducing myself in the suave way I did last time.

When she asked me why I was on the Island Princess, I glanced back and forth, acting like I were nervous about being overheard. "I'm a stowaway," I said in a low tone.

She giggled. "So I'm not the only one!"

"Guess not."

As she picked up my dog and petted it, the boys came around.

"Gee, Nick!" Joe laughed. "Interesting choice of females!"

"Yeah?" I said in an indignant tone. "And what do _you_ know about it? For most of the day I've been hanging around a woman that's twice my age, and a lesbian. Maybe I like interesting. And maybe she likes me."

"Man," Harvey muttered. "He's really trippin'."

Joe chuckled and nodded. "I guess we should just let him trip."

To me, he said, "Enjoy your date!"

He walked away.

Anticipating her next question, I explained to my `date' that Joe and Harv were friends, and what scouting was.

"Do you want to dance?" she asked.

I nodded, and we did the two step out on the floor. In _Groundhog Day_, the hero got to practice the piano and a lot of other stuff to impress the girl, but Bill Murray didn't have to contend with Quarks or a bomb. I really didn't think I had time to rehearse.

At least I didn't step on her feet this time.

"Do you think all those advertisements about this cruise are right?" she asked.

I gave her a pleasant smirk. "You never know."

Our lips touched, but Joe interrupted us with his screaming.

"Sorry," I said to my dance partner. "My boy's in trouble."

She nodded and let go.

I hurried to the buffet, watching the mole thing bandage Joe's hand.

The buffet attendant attached a metal clip to the wrapping to hold it in place. "It looks worse than it is. It's only surface damage."

I grinned. "When it's healed, can you eat the bandage?"

He shook his head. "What are you, crazy?"

I felt a flipper curling around my hand. "Want to dance some more?"

I gave Desiree a nod. "Sure. Right after I get something to eat."

She let go. "I'll be at my table." And she walked back to her booth.

Harvey tapped Joe on the shoulder. "You should have seen Nick!" He held his hands inches from each other. "He was _that close_ to making out with Medusa!"

I tapped him on the shoulder. "They won't let me have any food. They think I'm a pet. Can you please get me a plate?"

"Uh-huh!" he frowned. "So there wasn't anything wrong with our bracelets after all! You just wanted our meal tickets! Well I ain't helping you. You can just eat..._dog food_ or whatever it is they let you eat."

Joe rolled his eyes. "Yeah, Mr. _Bracelet Inspector_."

He adjusted his bandage, thought a moment, then muttered to Harvey.

"Would serve him right."

I could have beat them to the punch and agreed to the bet before they mentioned what the bet was, but I thought it would make them change their minds. Instead, I let Joe say his piece about how I was to kiss Desiree and eat alien food.

"With pleasure," I said, and I walked off to Desiree's table.

"Lose your appetite?"

"I heard they were going to have pizza out sometime. I'm still waiting."

She nodded. "They do have some from time to time."

"So..." I said, grabbing one of her flippers. "We were...in the middle of something..."

Desiree blushed. "You...want to dance some more?"

I gave her a skeptical look. "You really like _Party in the USA_?"

She laughed and shook her head.

Then we started having _that talk_ again.

"Good with children?" I said. "I could be better."

"At least you're honest," she smiled. "Are you married?"

"No," I said. "No kids, no girlfriend."

"You ever think about having kids of your own?"

"...Maybe."

She blushed. "Once you get your pizza, we should go for a walk in hydroponics and talk about some things."

"Sure!" I said with forced enthusiasm, hoping I could somehow make her less suicidal. "Is the brochure right about there being eight thousand types of flowers in there?"

She nodded.

"All right," I said. "It's a da-"

I knew what was going to happen next, but I didn't know that I would like it. The first time was a little weird, but now that I knew what to expect, I found myself enjoying the sensation of sliding my tongue against the squirming wormy things, despite the fact they tasted like a medicine cabinet and onions.

In fact, I ignored the bratty kids cheering for me, and kept kissing until Desiree pulled away. Slowly.

Maybe seeing those lips forming the words `I love you' was really in the cards.

"Wow," she said, her face flushed.

"Yeah," I stammered, also a bit red.

I glanced back at the buffet. "You mind if I go check to see if they've got pizza now?"

Desiree smiled. "Sure. If you find any, bring me some."

I didn't get but a couple feet from the table when Joe came up to me, raising a hand in anticipation of a high five. I glanced back at my date and kept my hand at my side. "She's watching."

Joe frowned and put his hand down, glancing back and forth.

"That was _awesome_!" he said in a grinning stage whisper. "Get whatever you want from the table! You've earned it!"

Looking back, I saw that Desiree was still at her booth. So far so good.

I loaded up a plate, got Joe to give Mole Man the okay, then set my plate on Desiree's table.

"What, no pizza?"

I shook my head. "I guess they don't have any this time around."

Her eye narrowed. "What was that celebratory gesture about?"

I sighed, trying to think of a good lie. Obviously, I couldn't claim credit for the bandages, so that wouldn't work. I decided a half truth might have to do.

"He thought I was too shy to..._talk to you_."

"But you thought that wasn't worth celebrating?"

I swallowed. "It is, but I thought it would be rude, because I knew you were watching."

She grabbed my wrist, turning my bracelet around. "This says you are a pet. How did you get the food?"

"I...uh..."

Before I could defend myself, she put two and two together. "He promised to give you food from the buffet if you kissed me, didn't he?"

"Uh..."

She slapped me hard across the face, crying as she got up and stomped away.

I attempted to follow her again.

"Leave me alone!"

I tried to ignore the comments about exterminating pigs.

"So what if I might have kissed you to win a bet? I already love you, so I was betting on a sure thing!"

I probably wouldn't have said all that if I knew I couldn't make a second attempt, but I was willing to try anything once.

She spun around. "What, because I was that easy?"

"No, because kissing you was something I wanted to do anyway."

"So if you got into my pants, you'd earn the deluxe room?"

Because I saw this coming, I joked, "You're not wearing pants."

She shot me a disgusted sneer. "You're truly a pig. Leave me alone." And she hurried away.

I chased her into the hallway. "C'mon. I really want to take you for a walk in hydroponics!"

"Walk yourself, and that little fat hairball of yours!"

Now she was speedwalking.

"It's not the same without you," I said.

Desiree turned to scowl at me. "You're not going to let that deluxe room go without a fight, are you?"

"It's not about that!" I cried.

"Could have fooled me!"

She hurried away.

My only good idea at that point was to let Zanie run loose and hope she could cheer Desiree up.

So I grabbed her from our booth, leading her down the corridor to the entrance to Captain Salty's, letting her go a few feet from the staircase.

At first, the dog looked confused, but after sniffing around a bit, she barked and scampered up the stairs.

Figuring I'd done all I could, and I was probably unwelcome upstairs, I hurried back to the buffet to speak to Senator Tayari.

I walked in right in time to see Clara and Glynus dragging Senator away.

Knowing I couldn't do anything, I just watched as they carried him to the exit.

"30358!" the Senator hissed at me as he passed. "_Babe, Mary Poppins, Narnia_!"

Wow, I thought. He _really is_ drunk!

But then I thought about it a bit further.

What, was this is safe combination? The code to his spaceship airlock? The button combination for a bomb? Or was he merely giving me access to stuff on X-Box Live? In this weird universe of improbabilities, it could be any one of these things or none of the above.

What he failed to tell me, however, was where the heck the bomb or safe or whatever was located.

I mean, I could ask him, but it would require hanging around the cops and/or the brig until I could get the answer out of him. Such a stunt would more than likely put _me _in the brig.

The other option was coming back `tomorrow' and asking, but he of course would be suspicious and not tell me due to his time amnesia.

I unfolded the letter.

Dear Doctor,

You said I wouldn't recognize you when you returned,

but I was certain our paths would meet again.

I can't thank you enough for your help on

the NIMWAC Initiative. You made something positive out of a

difficult situation. You are one CLEVER MAN! Thanks also

for saving Rothriomp and Everyone. I'm forever in your

debt. Everyone on Sobiqa Nine thanks you.

With love,

Tayari

P.S. I have five kisses for you.

Okay, I thought. A little weird. I assumed Tayari was a male, though his voice seemed a bit feminine, but I didn't know much about this Doctor, so maybe there was some weird thing going on between the two.

I really didn't know why I was being given the letter, except maybe the Doctor's friends are trustees of things like that, or he assumed I was interested in being his boyfriend.

Or maybe, just maybe, there was a bag of Hershey's Kisses out there with my name on it.

The language of the letter seemed a little suspicious. It read a little too awkwardly, and it was all roughly the same amount of words per line, but I couldn't quite figure out the code.

I wasn't in the habit of searching for hidden meanings in letters. At least, not without a candle and lemon juice.

I gave up and put the note away.

I decided that since Zanie was helping Desiree, she should be fine, so I again strolled through hydroponics, staring at the plants.

"Those are Husnoyix," I heard a voice say as I stared at a pair of giant tulips with neon pink cucumbers poking out of them. "They make especially good salads."

I turned, staring at the woman in her single eye. "Still upset?"

She held up a bandaged wrist. "Maybe?"

"I'm sorry," I said. "You know, you should really see a counselor about your depression."

"I guess you're right," she sighed. "Maybe I will, when this is all over."

I frowned. "What do you mean, `when this is all over'?"

Desiree glanced back and forth nervously. "There are evil things on this ship. They're called Quarks, and I'm going to get rid of them once and for all."

Not wanting to make her suspicious, I played dumb. "Quarks?"

She explained what they were.

"So how are you going to get rid of them?"

"I can't tell you," she said. "If they capture you, I don't want them to be able to torture the information out."

"That's a good plan," I replied without enthusiasm.

She offered me an overweight ball of hair with a wagging tail. "Missing something?"

"Zanie!" I grinned, picking her up. "Good girl!" I petted her. "Very good girl!"

Desiree stood up. "I'd better eat something. I think, um, I should recoup my blood loss."

"Desiree," I called as she walked away from me.

She stopped, turned around.

"I love you," I said. "I'm sorry if I-"

"Forget it," she said, giving me a faint smile.

She kissed me on the cheek, then marched down a walkway lined with flowers.

I winced and she stumbled and fell halfway through the row, but she got back on her feet before I could run to help her.

Okay, so, mission accomplished. Sort of. I still had to do something about the Quarks, somehow.

I sat down on the bench, trying to figure out a plan.

Since Desiree wasn't dead, Clara probably wasn't my friend, because that requires the interrogation room.

Clara is secretly an ally of the Doctor.

For some reason, Riversong was sneaking into the TARDIS with a Quark.

I have a weird letter and a key to something.

The _Welcome Back Cotter_ lunch box was missing. Coincidence?

My first order of business, I decided, was to check out the TARDIS, and see why Riversong was acting suspicious. This time, I hoped, I could do it without dying.

And I could check to see if the key fits any of the doors along the hallway as I'm trying to remember where the engine room is.

Zanie spat up something blue and detergent-like that I knew wasn't detergent. I walked her out of hydroponics, trying not to think about what that implied.

In the outer hallway, I wandered from door to door, trying the card in the slots of various doors, but none of them opened.

Worse, two of them disturbed the occupants inside, and I found myself being scolded by an orange crab and the bat thing.

That in itself wasn't so bad, since I could just frown at the key card and act like I misread it, but a few doors down from the pool, I found the purple dog lady popping out.

The same dog lady that hung out with the weirdo who took out my brain and stuck it in a frog.

With a cry of terror, I picked up Zanie and ran like I were going for the Heisman Trophy.

I caught my breath at the opposite end of the ship, staring absently at the mini spa occupied by strange looking people and various mutants.

After glancing around a bit, I found a porthole labeled `Engine Room', and with a little effort, I wrenched the thing open, darted inside, then pulled it shut as quietly as I could.

Racking my brain a bit, I pieced together the route I took with Clara and again found myself standing in front of a TARDIS with its door hanging wide open. Judging by experience, I could guess who had opened it.

Dog in hand, I hurried inside, searching around for a good place to conceal myself.

I decided the hallway was as good a place as any, so I shoved Zanie inside the kitchen, shutting the automatic door before she could pop back out, then pressed my back against the corridor wall, waiting for Riversong to show up, or something else to happen.

Then it hit me. How was I supposed to know when she'd show up? I hadn't had a watch with me, or a cel phone. She might have already left, and I was just being stupid.

So I decided to grab me and Zanie a snack and dig through the storage room.

I don't know how `Doc' could find anything in that mess. I found a Dalek eyestalk, a little Van Gogh styled painting of a red haired woman, some strange monk outfit with a giant collar, a fez, a box of jelly cookies, an autographed Allen Ginsberg book, and a box of letters from Andy Warhol, with accompanying `personal photographs' I wish I had never seen.

The sound of Zanie growling and noises from the console room gave me such a start that I banged my head on a tool box and I had to hold my breath and cover Zanie's mouth to avoid being discovered.

At last I clamped Zanie's leash to a shelf, crept out in the hallway, and shut the door, creeping down the hall to get a better look.

"This console contains the components necessary to repair your transmat," Riversong appeared to be saying to no one as she tore things out of the machine. "We also have a miniature transmat in storage somewhere, which can also be used for your purposes."

She continued dismantling the machine.

"I don't hear anything," she said in response to a question I didn't hear. "This place is too noisy."

She pocketed a few more tools, then stood up.

I scooted back down the hallway, but before I could hide, a Quark appeared out of nowhere, shouting something about how they did not tolerate spies.

It blasted me to a pulp, of course.


	29. Chapter 29: Deluxe Suite

Okay, so, not exactly safe to hang out in the TARDIS.

Well, not at that particular time of day, at least.

I got up, staring at the unconscious fat kid.

There had to be some kind of way to remove that wristband without waking him up.

Here goes nothing.

I reached into the recess below his hand, the one so tenderly draped over Joe's body.

I found the seam, but again his eyes came flying open.

Thinking quickly, I slapped his hand a few times, crying, "Spider! It's crawling up your arm!"

It worked like a dream. Harvey responded by freaking out, shouting and frantically waving his hands in attempts to get rid of the invisible spider.

Since my act of deception was incomplete, I followed up by pretending to search the floor all around the two scouts for the elusive bug.

"It got away," I said.

Harvey, who was almost hyperventilating, gasped, "Huh! Some cruise! Bet they even got rats in the salad bar!"

"Cool it, Harv," Joe groaned. "It's just a spider. Breathe."

"Just a spider! What if it was a brown recluse! Tell me that! You wouldn't tell me to calm down then, would you! Huh!"

"Did you see a fiddle on its back?"

Harv paused. "I don't know! Nick's the one who saw it!"

I shrugged. "I'm no spider expert, but I think it was one of the harmless types."

He gave me a suspicious look. "Did you see a fiddle?"

"I don't know," I said. "It was moving too fast."

"Where did it go?"

"I don't know. Cancun. At least it's gone now."

He sighed. "Yeah. Until I take a shower or something."

Great! I thought. Maybe now he'll let me get a plate!

Not wanting to seem too suspicious, I got up and led my dog to the banquet hall.

Seeing the Senator, and knowing he had a package for me, I decided to join him in his singing.

He appreciated it, but when he finished, he said, "Do I know you?"

I shook my head. "But I've heard about you. I wish more could have been done to overturn that NIMWAC initiative. You really put a lot of work into trying to stop it, and it just won't go away."

Tayari sighed and nodded. "Yeah."

The creature seemed to be staring at me. "Are you sure I don't know you? You seem awfully familiar."

I couldn't exactly say I wasn't the Doctor, because then I wouldn't get the book.

So I pointed at the book and said, "That's a weird book. I couldn't tell if he got off the island, or if he stayed there and starved to death while he played with the recordings."

"Yes, it is unusual."

He pushed the book over to me.

I feigned surprise. "For me?"

The Senator nodded. "I think you, of all people, can appreciate a book like this."

He was right, but I knew he meant the Doctor. I smiled and nodded anyway. "Thanks."

After tucking it in my vest, I made my clever exit, telling Tayari about the `girl in the corner.'

When I approached Desiree this time, I didn't feel like using the same lame pickup line again.

"Hi," I said. "Is it okay if I sit here?"

She nodded, giving me a grin.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" I asked.

"No."

"Do you want one?"

Blushing, she said, "Maybe?"

"Are you a stowaway?" I asked.

Surprised, she looked back and forth to see if anyone was listening, then hissed, "I'm a legitimate passenger! Just like you! What, are you with security or something?"

I showed her my bracelet. "Hardly. Look at this. They gave me a fake bracelet, and it's for pets. So not only am I a stowaway, I also am a second class citizen."

She giggled. "I'm sorry."

She picked up my dog, rubbing her head. "She's a cute one! What's her name?"

I told her.

"Gee, Nick!" Joe laughed. "Interesting choice of females!"

I leaned towards him, talking to him in that frank condescending tone that I often heard Kevin using when he told us about dating.

"Take a look around you, boys. Some day, when you're older, you'll start to appreciate things, and start making your own `_interesting choices_.'"

Harvey shook his head. "He's really trippin'."

"Yeah," Joe chuckled. "And he thinks he's Doctor Love."

"Enjoy your date!" he said, walking away.

Noticing her puzzlement, I said, "Those are my boys. I've kind of adopted them. I and some other men take them camping and hiking and canoeing on weekends. It's fun, and they get to go back home to their parents when the weekend is over."

It was a shorthand explanation of the same thing she asked me twice already, and I ended up filling the gaps with more explanations anyway, so it was a useless attempt.

After explaining what canoeing was, I asked her out on the dance floor.

I guess I could have improvised a new dance and gotten really good at it, but it would have been no different than if I sat around in my apartment all day thinking up a dance. It would never be as good as a real dance.

"Um, this is going to sound weird," I said. "But you didn't put sleeping gas in the ventilation system, did you?"

She pushed away from me a little. "So what if I did," she said. "I had an objective to fulfill."

"Stopping the Quarks?"

She stared at me in shock. "How did you know/"

"I see things."

She frowned. "Yes. I was checking the facility for Quark installations to neutralize their operations. I managed to disable their teleportation system and communications equipment while everyone was out. What do you know?"

"Not much," I said. "Just that they're making slaves of everyone."

"Slaves! Of course! We're only a few thousand light years from Karcovu 2! What else have you found?"

I shook my head. I wasn't sure what I should tell her about the scary brain surgeon, for fear that she'd make me go back there.

We didn't talk for a few moments, since Desiree had been stunned speechless by my revelations.

"Do you think all those advertisements about this cruise are right?" she finally asked.

"I think there could be something to that," I said without any mirth.

We touched lips, as before, and as before, Joe took this as a cue to get attacked by the buffet food.

I just shrugged and parted her lips.

She drew back. "Shouldn't you go check on your boy?"

With a sigh, I said, "He'll be fine. How much can you hurt yourself at a buffet?"

Noticing that she didn't look impressed, I said, "Fine. I'll check on him. But I can guess what's going on. He'll be fine."

Then I walked over to the buffet, watching with disinterest as the mole creature bandaged Joe's hand.

"See?" I said to Desiree. "He's fine. Just got bitten by...whatever that thing is over there."

"Qulmedu stalks," she smiled.

"Right. If it were serious, I would have hurried over here immediately."

She took my hand. "Want to dance some more?"

I gave her a sheepish grin. "Actually, I'd like to ask you a favor. Since I'm considered a pet, I can't get food here. I was wondering if you could spot me..."

Desiree sighed, looking a bit embarrassed herself. "I'm sorry, Nick. I, um, left my bracelet _in my other suitcase_, if you know what I mean."

I frowned. "You mean that metal box?"

Her eye narrowed. "What metal box are you referring to?"

My face felt hot. "Uh, I don't know. I just figured, um, that aliens liked to carry their luggage in futuristic looking metal cases instead of black simulation leather containers."

She gave me a scowl. "For the record, I was giving you a subtle metaphor. If you can't figure it out, it's too bad."

I decided she meant that she didn't actually have a bracelet, but wasn't going to say it in front of potential informants.

"Okay, so let me try to get food some other way," I said.

Desiree nodded, returning to her booth.

When Harvey approached the buffet, I prodded him on the shoulder. "Hey. Harv. My bracelet doesn't work here. They say they can't serve dogs or something. Can you get me a plate?"

"I didn't actually see you try it," he frowned.

I rolled my eyes. "Want me to prove it? This badge makes me a second class citizen. Watch."

I placed a few items on a plate, some ribs, some sketchy looking shrimp, and something that looked like lasagne, bringing it up to the mole man.

"I'm sorry, sir. We do not serve pets."

I gave Harv a helpless look.

Harvey had this kind of annoyed expression on his face, and I wasn't sure what the problem was.

"Is that your owner? Can he vouch for you?"

Joe muttered something in his ear. Harvey chuckled.

"Yeah," said Harvey. "He's my pet. He can have a plate, but he's got to do a trick for me first."

"What!" I protested. "What's the big deal? Why do I have to jump through hoops for you?"

"It's my bracelet, all right?" he huffed. "And I know that nobody smashes a spider by reaching around under my hand like that."

I groaned. "All right. Let me guess. You want me to make out with my new girlfriend."

Joe burst out laughing. "Got it in one!"

"This is way too easy," I said.

Harvey stared at Joe. "Are you sure that's all we should make him do?"

Joe shook his head. "I still think this is an act. I'll believe what I see when he actually does it."

"You actually want him to do it?"

"No," I said. "I'm not going to sleep with her just for a meal. If she wants to do that later, well, that's up to her."

Joe stuck out his tongue in disgust.

"All right," Harvey said. "Deal. Go give her a watermelon."

With a sigh, I marched up to Desiree's table.

"No dice?"

I nodded. "I can't help the fact I'm a leader and I eat with the leaders. I guess if they're going to hold that against me, there's nothing I can do about it."

"I'm sorry."

"Not your fault," I said, grabbing her flippers. "Anyway, we were...in the middle of something..."

Desiree blushed. "You...want to dance some more?"

I cocked a thumb at the band. "You want to dance to _that_?"

She shook her head.

We then had _the talk_. She apparently liked my confident parenting.

I told her the usual stuff.

Her cheeks turned pink. "You know, Captain Salty's is less strict about the bracelets than this place. Maybe you could ask for something there."

This puzzled me, because I saw her ordering drinks in that place before. Well, maybe ordering drinks _ten minutes from now_ or _ten minutes ago in a parallel time line._ Of course, I couldn't ask about something like that straight out.

"You sound like you know this from experience."

"I go there frequently. Yes."

"And how do you get away with ordering stuff there, when `_your bracelet is in your other suitcase?_'"

"I and Ajani are good friends. I have an agreement with the other bartenders as well. I tip generously."

"I see," I said. "What about the robots?"

She held up her hand, displaying the glowing blue circle in her palm. "I have my methods."

"I hope you don't get caught," I said.

"Want to go for a walk in hydroponics?" she asked.

"Sure!" I said. "Sounds cool. I saw some interesting flowers in the brochure. When would you-"

You can guess what happened after that.

Okay, get disgusted. But I liked it.

We broke apart and I gazed at the buffet, hoping Harvey didn't toss my plate away. "I'm going to try one more time to get some food over there."

"Good luck," she grinned. "Make sure to bring me some."

At the buffet, I shooed away Joe's high five with the usual warning.

"That was _awesome_! Get whatever you want! You've earned it!"

And so I put some extra stuff on there for Desiree, though I wasn't quite sure what she liked to eat.

I brought the plate up to her table and sat down, offering her a chicken drumstick.

"What was that celebratory gesture about?"

"Uh..." I stammered. "You don't know how shy I am. It took a lot of nerve to ask you to dance, and..."

"But you thought that wasn't worth celebrating?"

I swallowed. "It is, but I thought it would be rude, because I knew you were watching."

She smacked her face. "How could I be so stupid! This was all a ruse to get food!"

I paled. "Wait! No!"

Desiree nodded. "He promised to give you food from the buffet if you kissed me, didn't he?"

"It was something I wanted to do anyway!" I cried. "It was a bet I was sure I could win!"

"Why? Because I'm easy?"

"No..."

She slapped me and got up, sobbing as she marched to the exit.

Once more, I followed her.

"Leave me alone!"

"I'm sorry I agreed to that stupid bet," I said. "It was immature and childish. I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't hungry."

She sighed.

"And I told him I drew the line at doing anything beyond...what we did. Believe it or not, I have morals."

"Until it becomes time for you to go to bed," she sneered. "Then you'll make a bet about getting into my pants."

"No," I said. "I've slept on the floor for days. I'm not going to make that bet."

"Leave me alone." She hurried away from me, into the hallway.

"C'mon," I said as I chased her. "Don't you want to go for a walk in hydroponics?"

"No!" She hurried on.

"It's not the same without you," I said.

Desiree turned to scowl at me. "You're not going to let that deluxe room go without a fight, are you?"

"Dammit," I said. "This isn't about a stupid bet! I know you're alone, I know you're hurting, and I know you're going to hurt yourself." Sighing, I said, "Look, it doesn't matter if you love me or if you don't. I still care about you, and I don't like the idea of you cutting your wrists and thinking nobody cares."

Without warning, she grabbed me and kissed me again.

"Your hands are shaking. I bet your blood sugar is low."

"What?"

"I notice these things."

I stared at her in shock.

"Go. Your food is getting cold."

I returned to the banquet hall, listened to the Senator giving me his cryptic message as they carted him off, then sat down to eat.

I stared at the letter, trying to figure out what the point was. It was hand written, so the letters all seemed slightly different. I reasoned there could be a code in there. Or maybe every fifth letter corresponded to a number, which in turn made a letter, or a secret code for...whatever it was.

I put it away, trying to decide who would be best to advise me of its secrets.

Riversong seemed to be too busy dismantling the TARDIS to be of much help, I figured, though she knew the most about space and aliens and TARDISes.

While it appeared to be the type of cypher a child could understand, I wasn't sure the boys would be any use. Plus they appeared to have left the banquet hall in my absence.

That left Jenny, or a random alien I wasn't sure I could trust.

Guessing she was at Captain Salty's, I marched off in that direction.

Of course she wasn't there. I walked up to the green bartender and asked about her.

"She left a few minutes ago," she said. "She invited me for a swim, but I said I was busy."

I nodded. "Thanks."

"To be honest, I'm not into that sort of thing. I was just being nice."

"What?" I said. "Swimming?"

She laughed. "Not so much that as much as what she was implying along with it."

I rolled my eyes. "I see."

So then I walked down to the pool area.

I expected to see my friends lounging in the chairs, but I found Jenny and the reptile lady actually in the pool, swimming.

Interesting what people do in your absence.

The two were not actually swimming. It was more like treading water and kissing near the side of the pool.

I wasn't sure how lizard lady could keep her body temperature while swimming in cold water, unless she was some kind of warm blooded species...or the aquatic hanky panky was enough to keep her from going comatose.

I leaned over the gutter, clearing my throat. "Sorry to interrupt!"

They broke apart, staring at me. The expression on Jenny's face reflected supreme annoyance, but Ms. Vastra seemed to be the patient sort, so I got more of a condescending smirk from her.

"Yes?" said the reptile.

"A guy in the banquet room gave me something and I don't understand it." I unfolded the paper, showing it to her. "He gave me a key and everything. Got any ideas?"

A pair of damp claws clamped down on the edges of the paper as the reptile began to read.

She bent the paper and chuckled.

As she read further, Jenny grabbed Ms. Vastra's tail, sliding her hands up and down its length.

"Stop," she growled. "Not now."

She mouthed the words of the next sentence. "Well that's nice of him!"

Noticing her tail being played with again, she whirled around and barked, "I said not now! Let me get this taken care of first, and then we'll play!"

"Fine," Jenny sighed, swimming off to the other end of the pool.

Madame Vastra chuckled, pointing to the line on the bottom of the page. "He spells it all out right here. It's a cryptogram. `Five kisses' means every fifth word. Recognize, Our, Enough, Made, One, One, Nine. In other words, Room 119, though I'm not sure why he would use a card key to open his room. We use bracelets for that."

"Thanks," I said, taking back the damp paper.

"Anything else?"

I shook my head, and the reptile swam off to resume kissing or whatever.

Before I could leave the room, I glimpse the badger beast with the eyestalks dragging Joe by his ear.

"Oi! Is this your boy?"

Instead of responding, I grabbed Zanie, turned and ran down the hallway opposite the one he entered.

"Nick!" Joe cried. "Help!"

I ignored him. I just kept running.

I almost got away, but when I neared the first suite at the end of the deck, I felt a jolt to the back of my head, and I fell to the floor unconscious.

I woke up in the usual place, with the usual cell mates.

I looked up at Desiree and smiled.

"Hi handsome," she grinned.

I gave her a kiss.

"Ugh. Nick. Seriously." Joe stuck out his tongue. "You're messed up in the head, you know that?"

"Maybe so," I said.

I heard the Senator chuckling in the next cell.

"Hey!" Joe laughed. "It's the alien queen!"

"No, just a senator who got a little carried away with drinking. It's too bad your friend wasn't there, or I probably would have been let go with a warning."

"This is Senator Tayari," I said. "Tayari, this is a boy scout from Earth. He's unfamiliar with your people, so don't be surprised by his weird questions."

"Ah, yes," the creature said with a nod. "You know, I find books from his planet fascinating, though." He held up _Robinson Crusoe_. "One man and his ingenuity against the forces of nature..."

"Yeah," I smirked.

As he put his face in his book again, I said, "I finally figured out your cryptogram. `Five kisses.' It took me hours to figure that out."

"Good," he said. "Hopefully anyone else that finds that note will take twice as long."

Then he paused. "So what did you think?"

"I don't know. I got arrested before I could find out."

"A shame."

I glanced at Joe, deciding I would have to follow him around next time and see how he gets caught.

"Now what are we going to do?" Joe groaned.

"Well, the lady with the brains already has a plan."

Jenny probably would have responded, but she was unconscious again. This time in a yellow and black swimsuit.

Desiree gave me a nod.

"Okay, so, other than taking the panels off the wall and climbing out of here, what do you have planned?"

She gave me a suspicious look. "How did you know what I was going to do?"

"I thought that was obvious," I said. "You showed me your glowing hands at your table earlier."

"Oh. Well, it's a secret."

"I'm good at keeping secrets," I said. "You can trust me."

"Even if they torture you?"

I swallowed. "Uh, maybe?"

She rolled her eye.

"So where's the dog?"

"I don't know," I said. "The last time they..." I stopped myself. She wouldn't understand that, I thought. "I mean, I'm pretty sure they killed her."

Desiree sighed. "That's too bad. She was a nice dog."

"Ugh!" Jenny moaned from the floor. "They didn't even let me dry off!"

"It's a good look for you," Joe grinned.

"Shut up."

"It was awesome how you did kung fu in your bikini. It was so like a movie!"

"Do you want me to do some kung fu to your head?"

"No?"

"Then shut up!" She rubbed her head. "That was so stupid of me," she muttered to herself. "Thought I could have some alone time with Scales, but no. That TARDIS is nothing but bad luck."

The door opened, and Harvey got shoved in.

I resolved to follow him around next time, too.

Joe asked where Harvey went, and he gave the usual explanation.

"So how are we going to get out of here?" said Harvey.

Desiree rubbed her hand, making a whiny dentist drill sound. "You're not. You're going to stay here while I take care of the Quarks."

"I want to help," I blurted.

"You can't."

"Oh I think I can."

She gave me this look like there was no way she would let me do that.

We sat and waited for the guard to go away.

"So your buddy plays music, does he?" I asked.

"Buddy?"

"The Dalek in the band."

"Oh. Yeah, he's a pretty good musician."

"How come you don't date him?"

"Because he doesn't have legs, for one. He's a nice guy, but, well, we're not exactly compatible."

"Are you planning to visit the med lab when you're out of here?"

She reddened. "Maybe? Why?"

"I don't know. What would you be getting out of there?"

"Why do you need to know?"

"Because I'm your boyfriend and I want to know."

The redness deepened. "Maybe I have to knock someone unconscious. What other secrets did you find out about me?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. Never mind."

The guard yawned and walked off, allowing Desiree to set about her plan.

We all got up on the bed, blocking the view of her working.

The panel came loose, and she was set it down on the bed.

The moment I saw the crawl space, I climbed in as fast as I could. I didn't bother asking her permission, because I knew she would say no.

"Hey!" She cried in a stage whisper. "You can't-"

The passage was a cramped gray box stretching back into an intersection of three tunnels. I scooted back as far as I could go, waving for her to follow me in.

She was not happy. With an irritated scowl, she climbed in after me, pulled the vent closed, and sealed it shut.

The crawl space got dark. I couldn't see a thing other than the light from the cell and her glowing palms.

"Hey!" Joe cried. "What about us!"

"Shut up!" Desiree hissed. "If they find out, we're both dead!"

He shut up.

"You are a moron," she growled as she crawled back to me. "One of us out here alone is risky. You're going to kill us all!"

"Not if we don't get caught," I said.

She groaned. "Odds are, thanks to you, we _will_ get caught."

"Great inspirational speech, coach. I really feel motivated."

"Quiet. Just follow me and don't speak."

She crawled backwards. "Are you looking up my skirt?"

"I can barely see my hand in front of my face, and you ask me if I'm admiring the view?"

"Shut up," she hissed. "Just shut up."

When she reached me, it turned out I was in her way, so she made me crawl backwards into another tunnel so she could get in.

We climbed from crawlspace to crawlspace, stopping from time to time to peer through gratings into the various rooms.

For a long time, we crawled along in silence, until at last we reached a ladder.

"Keep your eyes where they belong," she hissed, though with that sort of lonely desperation, I can't see how she would have minded.

"I still can't see my hand in front of my face," I replied.

And then we climbed upwards for such a long time that I thought my arms would fall off.

At a few points along the ladder, I could actually see up her skirt, but I wasn't about to tell her that.

"How many floors are there on this thing?" I called.

"Just five," she said. "We're almost there."

At last we stopped at one of the shafts, crawling horizontally once again.

"You _were_ looking, weren't you?" she said.

I blushed. "Uh...no?"

"Liar."

She kept crawling.

We wove our way through the tunnels, taking a diagonal pattern until at last I could see light shining from an opening in the floor.

Desiree stuck her head through the hole, then, after a moment's check, she climbed down, gesturing for me to follow.

I hopped down, and we were in her suite again.

Glancing back and forth, she secured the door and said, "Last chance. Mind your own business, stay here, and don't touch anything."

I nodded. "Yes ma'am." But I didn't intend to keep my word.

She Frenched me on the mouth, then stepped out.

As soon as she was gone, I pulled the rusty metal box out from under her bed.

Sure enough, it was the _Welcome Back Cotter_ lunch box from the TARDIS. But why would she want it?

Filled with curiosity, I flipped the latches and opened it up.

To my utter surprise and amusement, I found it contained not a thermos and a banana, but a dangerous looking device with wires sticking out of it.

It definitely looked like a bomb.

Was she the one who kept blowing up the ship? I wondered. If so, what purpose would that serve for anybody?

And why would the Doctor leave something like this lying around for anyone to get their hands or flippers on?

Did the Doctor, in fact, leave a bomb in this lunch pail? Or did it originally contain a rotten banana and a moldy sandwich?

Where did this bomb come from?

Was it really a bomb, or just a flashy toy with lights?

Just in case it wasn't a toy, which I guessed it wasn't, I had to do something. But what?

If I took it to the authorities, I'd get thrown into the brig, and they'd probably blame me for making the bomb.

Or they might just say it's a fancy type of toaster and it was completely harmless.

I could toy with it and blow myself to pieces, but I wasn't sure this time loop thing was a guaranteed deal.

The authorities really needed to know, but the Quarks were there, too. Maybe this was the only way to get rid of them. I supposed I could even strap the bomb to my chest and take care of them myself, if I were crazy enough.

There had to be another way to get rid of the Quarks, I thought. I'm not going to let Desiree kill everybody.

So I picked up the bomb and sneaked out into the hallway, checking to see if anyone were there to catch me.

Seeing nobody but a robot five yards down the hall, I darted down the hallway, searching for room 119, which was on the floor below.

Luckily for me, the only one that spotted me was dog lady, and she didn't seem to care what I did.

After a little bit of hunting, I found the door, which, oddly enough, opened the moment I stepped in front of it.

I walked in with my mouth hanging open.

The door closed on its own behind me. Just one of the many weird things about the place.

The Senator's room was not a regulation cabin. It was more like he'd taken up residence.

The room actually looked like a library, with genuine bookshelves, each loaded with the kind of books you couldn't attribute to a well meaning captain with a Book of the Month Club subscription.

I found an annotated hardcover copy of Dracula containing a recipe for paprika chicken, and in between a copy of _Candide_ and _The Butterfly And The Diving Bell_, I found _Johnathan Livingston Seagull_. Rare books.

When I found a hardcover copy of _The Neverending Story_, I broke into such hysterical laughter that I momentarily had to question my sanity.

On a shelf, a series of little metal drink coaster looking things projected color holographic images of the senator with smaller versions of himself and a slenderer member of his race stood by his side.

In one corner of the room, I found an uncomfortable looking couch designed for an alien bug, and his entertainment center.

Considering his comments about _Chitty Chitty Bang Bang_, _The Little Mermaid_, or whatever else he had said, I was expecting a plasma TV with DVD.

Instead, I found something like a giant sheet of posterboard suspended over a little table containing a metallic grid of square sockets. A series of shelves below this grid contained hundreds of little cubes appearing to be just the right size and shape to fit the sockets.

I spent more than an hour trying to to figure out how to operate the device. The trouble was, none of them had labels. I only figured out its purpose when I noticed the image of Donald Duck snoring on a cactus.

Judging by what I saw, the Senator was either somewhat immature, or he kept a collection of films for his kids. In between classics like _Casablanca_ and _Gone With The Wind, _he had several items from the Disney Vault, and _The Lego Movie_, of all things.

Before I could attempt to view the items of Tayari's Must Watch List, I heard the door hiss open.

"You have something I need," a voice said.

I gave my one eyed friend a smile. "You must be desperate to be needing it from me."

Desiree leaned close, as if preparing to kiss me. "Very desperate."

And then she swipes the lunch box out of my hands.

"Hey! I was going to eat that!" I cried. "Get your own lunch!"

She chuckled. "I'm sure there's plenty to eat _in the buffet_."

I dropped my jovial manner. "Don't do this. I've...I've had a vision. This doesn't end well. What you do will kill the Quarks, but at the price of hundreds of innocent lives."

Desiree sighed. "If the Quarks are allowed to live, millions more will die. I'm sorry, but this has to be done."

She turned around, marching to the door. "Enjoy your cartoons."

I didn't have any more time to waste in Tayari's room. Desiree was going to blow us to kingdom come, so the logical course of action was to follow her.

When I stepped into the hallway, I caught sight of her disappearing into room 118.

The door clicked shut just seconds before I reached the knob. Of course it wouldn't open again. I didn't have the right `room key'.

Oh well, I thought. I'll just go back in Tayari's room and play with this videos.

The trouble was, the door didn't open for me the second time.

I beat my fist against the door a couple times, then gave up, deciding to sneak down to the TARDIS, where hopefully nobody would look for me, provided I hide in the bowling alley.

Despite all the noise I had made, I made it to the staircase unmolested, but when I reached the bottom, I found Clara and Glynus pointing their laser guns at me.

"Don't move!" Clara shouted.

"Where's the human Dalek!" Glynus yelled.

"Am I the human Dalek's keeper?"

That earned me a blow to the head.

"You cooperate and we make your life easy. Be a wise ass, and we'll make things very unpleasant for you."

"Fine," I sighed. "You want to know where she is? She's upstairs somewhere, planning to set off a bomb that will blow everyone of us to bits."

Glynus grabbed me by the throat. "Where is she! Tell me now!"

"I would if I could!" I shrugged. "She's probably crawling around in the air ducts as we speak, planting the bomb."

That response got me a black eye.

"Beat me all you want," I said. "You can't torture information out of me when I don't have it!"

He growled in frustration, dragging me down to the engine room door.

I saw a familiar fat hairy shape scampering up to me.

"Zanie!" I cried.

"Leave it," Glynus growled. "We'll take care of it later."

"How did you get out!" Clara demanded.

"Don't you have cameras?" I asked.

Glynus elbowed me. Hard.

"I don't know. Her hands are like sonic screwdrivers."

She blinked in surprise. "What?"

"I don't know," I repeated.

"No. The other part. Why do you know what a sonic screwdriver is?"

"Doesn't everyone?"

"No. Why do you?"

I didn't feel like telling the whole story again, so I fibbed. "Because...I'm...a Time Lord?"

"Doctor!" she squealed, throwing her arms around me. "I didn't recognize you!"

It was real hard for me to keep a straight face. Especially due to the ease in which I received a hug from a nice looking girl.

"Sometimes I don't recognize myself!" I blurted.

Knowing that such a ruse wouldn't last forever, I decided to keep plowing along until they let me go. "So...now that you know who I am...it's important...that we do something about this bomb."

"Where's your blue thing?" she said.

I stared at her in mock surprise. "Blue thing?"

I could tell she knew I was kidding. "You know. The thing that makes the weird noise..." And she imitated the TARDIS sound.

"Oh. Right. The TARDIS. You know, I fixed the chameleon circuit, so it's not a box anymore."

"Show me."

And so I led her to the TARDIS.

Once inside the porthole, she made the usual dry observation about it being a hunting store.

I noticed that the console had been trashed, its components either removed or scattered across the floor.

"So what are you going to do, Doctor?" Clara asked.

"Well," I fumbled. "I'll think of something."

She rolled her eyes. "Your typical plan, then?"

"Yeah," I stammered.

I leaned over the console, poking at the buttons, but it only produced angry grinding sounds.

Clara stared at the mess. "What happened here? Doing some repairs?"

"Riversong gutted it," I said. "Stole the parts."

"Riversong!" she said. "Why'd she do that?"

"She gave the parts to the enemy. The Quarks. I don't know why."

"What are Quarks?"

Of course I had to explain everything to her.

"Well, find Riversong and tell her to put the parts back!"

"It's not that easy. She's under guard. I'll end up breaking rocks in a slave pit."

It seemed Clara knew something about the machine, for she managed to make a monitor come on, displaying a view of the outside chamber, and caused different sounding noises with a few button presses.

Sadly, that was too much noise and nobody closed the door.

Soon we were surrounded by Quarks, being ushered upstairs to room 109.

And there I was, back on the rocky wasteland, breaking rocks with Joe, Harvey, Tayari, Jenny, and the other folks.

I looked around, but the purple lady and box turtle face were nowhere to be seen.

In my absence, Jenny managed to change into a gray jumpsuit, though in the oppressive heat, a bathing suit actually would have been more comfortable.

Since we arrived late, we weren't allowed to work next to our friends.

"You weren't joking about breaking rocks!" Clara moaned as she split open an empty one.

"Why would I make up something stupid like that!" I called back.

"Silence!" a Quark screamed.

We shoveled,

We sang,

We picked.

Jenny, doing a better than average job, soon made it over to our circle.

"Bet you're regretting me giving you that maintenance uniform now," Clara muttered as she wiped sweat from her face.

Jenny gestured to me. "Not as long as I'm near his perverted friends!"

Clara chuckled. "I'll try not to take offense."

"Have things changed since we've had our little discussion? You know, the last time we talked?"

Clara gave her a blank look, but I could tell she knew more than I did about the subject, just by her facial expression.

"T-rex in the Thames? Remember?"

She rolled her eyes. "No. Nothing's changed. Never mind."

We kept working.

Appearing to be on the verge of passing out, Clara whispered, "Doctor, I really hope you have a plan."

I had no plan. All I had was Glynus doing the usual thing with the bomb.

"It's coming," I lied.

"Doctor!" Jenny laughed. "What lies has he been telling you?"

"He's not the Doctor?" she blinked.

"You were at the funeral. Surely you're not that daft!"

Clara gave me a pleading look. "Is it true?"

"It doesn't matter," I said. "What's important is figuring out a way of stopping these things!"

"I knew it!" she said excitedly. "He _is_ the Doctor! Somehow he came back!"

"Whatever you want to tell yourself," Jenny groaned.

Clara wiped her brow and kept going.

Thinking he was oh-so-clever, Glynus pulled out a bomb, warning us about what he was going to do.

"We're going to get slaughtered!" I hissed. "You'll kill the first one, but the others will swoop in and annihilate us!"

"You got a better plan?"

I sighed. "Yeah. Moving to a different spot."

"No no no!" he whispered. "You have to be _here_, so you can make it look like everything's normal!"

"Fine, fine," I said. "Have it your way."

And so he again obliterates one of our slavemasters.

This time, I try to be slick and hit the dirt the moment the Quark explodes, shoving Clara down with me in a heroic fashion.

The only trouble is, they have blowtorches, and our prone bodies are barbecue in a matter of seconds.

I had no idea a person could tire of the sensation of being burned alive.


	30. Chapter 30: Frozen

Okay. Enough screwing around, I thought.

I gave up trying to get a meal on the Island Princess, marching off in the direction of the TARDIS with dog in hand.

Simple, right?

But no. The moment I opened that porthole and marched down the stairs, a group of Quarks popped out of nowhere and fired at me.

They didn't kill me. Instead, I awoke in room 109, handcuffed to a pipe.

I noticed that the usual machinery was missing.

Well, not missing, but in disarray.

The Quarks stood around me, not saying anything for a moment. They just seemed to stare.

"He is useless for anything but a slave," said one. "I scanned his brain patterns."

"It is a trick," said another. "This is clearly the Doctor."

It teleported closer.

"We demand that you fix the Transmat!" it yelled.

"I can't," I said. "I don't know how."

"Then die!"

And they turned me into a fine bloody mist.

When I reawoke, I thought, there has to be a time in which the Quarks leave the area, or I wouldn't be able to visit the TARDIS later in the day.

Since I didn't have a watch, and was tired of being a terrible thief, I sat by the hatch, sang _Green Grow the Rushes Oh _to its completion, and crept down the stairs again.

Even though I wasn't as bold and noisy as before, and tried to remain hidden, it didn't help. I ended up cuffed to the pipe again.

When they told me to fix the Transmat this time, I of course said yes. One of those badger things, the female, uncuffed me, and I led them downstairs to the TARDIS.

I don't know what everyone else was doing, but the only recognizable individual I bumped into along the way was Glynus.

He had been doing something in a casino, catching sight of us as he walked out, checking a little device that seemed to be currency related.

After a Quark slapped a tentacle on his head, he blindly followed us like the female had been doing.

The TARDIS door was open, probably because of Desiree.

I stepped inside, because I had to, and immediately set about pulling various odds and ends out of the machinery, because, you know, that's what Riversong did.

Of course, unlike Riversong, I didn't know what was what, so I electrocuted myself.

I decided singing _Green Grow the Rushes Oh _until the Quarks were gone was a waste of time, so I thought I'd cut out the middle man and follow Riversong around. Awkward but necessary.

I seated myself next to a wall near the unconscious blonde and just sat there, staring at her.

After a few minutes, her eyelids fluttered and she sat up with a start. "What."

"Uh, I was just thinking, I probably should, I don't know, follow you around this place so I can learn how to be a Time Lord or an alien Scoutmaster or something."

She gave me a suspicious stare. "I really shouldn't, because you're being a creep, but I suppose you could."

As usual, Harvey and Joe were bickering, and Jenny was asking about a Brougham.

"Something's not right," Riversong said with a frown. "And I'm not just referring to a twenty year old watching me while I sleep."

"That's why he needs an older woman like you to tell him how to behave!" Jenny chuckled.

"Please," Riversong groaned, searching the area with her sonic screwdriver.

She sighed. "Nothing." 

"Did you check Nick's brain?"

I rolled my eyes.

The robot checked on us, and then everyone made their individual exit. Jenny to the bar, Joe and Harvey to the buffet.

Riversong declined the drink offer, and I followed her down the hallway to the swimming area.

After staring at the place for a few moments, and saying hi to one of the crabs (she didn't know the creature, she was just being friendly), she turned a corner and stepped into a billiard room.

I'd seen the place before, but never bothered to go in. It was a lounge, sort of a big den of sorts, with several pool tables, oddly shaped sofas, and a big table thing displaying holograms about orange crab people and their lives.

They had some weird board games that reminded me of Mancala and King's Table. There were darts and such, too.

I wondered briefly why this place wasn't attached to Captain Salty's, but I never tried to use the bathroom in the place before. The moment I found the place, I discovered that the `back hallway' actually cut through to this lounge, hence why I frequently saw strange crabs emerging and others vanishing from there. I never really thought about it. It didn't go in a straight line, and it was hidden behind a statue of an amphibious alien, so you couldn't immediately tell from the bar that it connected to anything.

Kirwan was by himself, practicing corner shots.

Riversong grabbed a cue stick. "Mind if I join you?"

"Just killing time before my shift," he grumped.

"If you want to kill it by yourself, that's fine, but I offered."

He gave her a grin. "All right, then. Let's play."

He pulled out all the stripes and colors, setting up a new game.

When I play pool with friends, or my family, sometimes we play two versus one, because we all suck. I wasn't sure that would be appropriate in this particular situation, so I just watched.

"Fancy a game?" I heard a voice call from the floor.

I looked down and saw that horse with the human head.

"Sure," I stammered, though I wasn't sure how it would grab a cue stick.

It turned out it had a special crutch-like device with a cue at one end, and he had a table that set up its own breaker frame.

And so I played that for about a half hour, the horse lecturing me about physics and science while he mopped the floor with me. At least I enjoyed the lecture.

Riversong, in the meantime, had been chatting up Kirwan, and after I'd lost three more balls, I noticed the two chuckling and strolling into the bar.

Apologizing for the half finished game, I bid my equine friend goodbye and followed them.

At this time of day, Jenny was gone, probably visiting her girlfriend/wife again.

Because I was hungry, I sat down and ordered a burger again, but since Riversong was there this time, I was able to get an actual burger.

After this, despite the alleged hangover, River and Kirwan each ordered something called Nebwisu, which came in little glowing jugs.

"You're working, Kirwan," Riversong said as the green lady set down their drinks. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"I can normally handle two without feeling any effect," he said.

They had four, laughing and patting each other on the back.

"Whoa, better stop," Kirwan said as he staggered out of his chair. "Gotta find a good cure to keep the floor under me now."

Riversong, however, looked unaffected.

I stared at the Mulgam as he hiccuped and stumbled out of the bar, wandering down the hallway.

Riversong offered me a jug. "Drink?"

I grimaced and said no thank you, though the idea was becoming increasingly tempting.

I finished my burger, which was pretty decent, and watched as she rose to her feet, showing no sign of dizziness.

"Where are you going?" I said.

"To the TARDIS, then the pool. Why, planning on following me the whole time?"

"In case you don't know," I said. "I'm the dog. I really don't have a room or anything."

"Your portrayal of one is uncanny in its realism." She sighed. "Just don't follow me into the WC."

And so I followed her down the hallway, down to the engine room door.

"Wait," I said as she turned the wheel to open it.

She frowned. "What."

"There's Quarks down there," I said.

"I'm sure there's all kinds of particles down there, but they're harmless."

"No, I mean, robot slavemaster Quarks."

She laughed. "Don't be ridiculous. The Doctor wiped them out aeons ago!"

She flung open the door, marching down.

Conveniently, when we reached the foot of the stairs, there were no Quarks to be seen, but the TARDIS was open.

"Did you sneak back in here after I left?" she asked.

"No," I said. I would have said "No, I thought you were the one," but it wouldn't make sense in this timeline, so I just said "Did you?"

Everything was undisturbed, of course, except for a mess in the storage room and the missing lunch box.

She disappeared down a hallway for a long time, leaving me idly twiddling my thumbs for several minutes.

To kill some time, I pulled off several wall panels, staring at their contents. I'd seen inside a few before, but not up close.

One held a pile of scarves and a paper bag full of starchy gummy bears. Another held red lenses, circuit boards, and a mass of tangled magnetic tape.

I found a white hat, a flute, and a set of wooden teeth, a bearskin, a Viking helmet, and a pile of letters.

I had just finished reading a letter supposedly written by Ben Franklin thanking the Doctor for improving his glasses, when Riversong came back out in the swimsuit I saw her in earlier (or later, to be accurate). She had on shorts and a blouse hanging over it because she wasn't at the pool.

"I think if you look around, there might be some trunks for you to wear, and even if those don't fit, the Doctor often changed body size."

"The Doctor was weird," I said. "And that's really okay. I don't feel like swimming right now."

With a shrug, she walked out, and I followed her.

As she closed the door, I said, "Why not swim in the library?"

"What fun is that?" she said. "It hasn't even been cleaned lately."

I suddenly noticed that the engineers were missing. I pointed that way and asked.

"They're probably on break," she said, looking indifferent.

She returned to the pool, or arrived for the first time, and took a dip.

Unimpressed, I took a seat on a beach chair, watching with mild interest as she swam laps and drifted for awhile, chatting with Madame Vastra as she climbed in.

The two climbed out, and `sunned' themselves.

For a moment, I thought everything was cool, and I could just follow Riversong around for the rest of the day and learn her secret.

However, as my eyelids started drooping, they flew back open when I remembered the next item on the agenda.

I bolted to my feet, running toward an exit just seconds before Kirwan opened his mouth and said, "Is this boy-"

I almost got away, but he was a quick draw, and I ended up being stunned and thrown into the cell again.

Obviously, I didn't meet Desiree at all this time. At least, not until I ended up in the cell. I felt like telling her to open the wall right away, and skip the formalities, but of course, the guard was watching.

I knocked on the glass. "Hey! Can you get me a drink? Maybe a Nebwisu or a Gargle Blaster?"

When he stared at me in near outrage (`the nerve of him!') I added, "I bet I can drink you under the table!"

For a moment, he seemed to give it serious thought, but then he said, "I should have thrown you in the other cell."

Tayari chuckled.

"Anyways, I'm on duty. Nice try."

With a sigh, I sat down on the bunk, introducing myself to Desiree for the first time.

I basically said the same stuff I'd said to her in the banquet hall, but the locale wasn't quite as romantic.

"There goes Kevin Number Two," Harvey muttered. "Hitting on everything with two legs."

"Not exactly," Joe said. "He's dated some dogs, I'll give you that, but none that hideous."

"Ignore them," I told her. "They're from earth. What do they know."

"You always did act like you were from another planet," Joe joked.

I gave Desiree an apologetic shrug, and she kissed me so aggressively that I fell backwards on the floor, Joe and Harvey making mock cheers to embarrass us.

"Hey hey there," the guard shouted. "No more of that in here or I'll be forced to put you in separate cells!"

So we broke apart, sitting on the bed, smiling at each other.

"That's really disgusting," said Jenny. "There's definitely something wrong with you."

"Would you like to know what I think about _your_ private life?" I said.

She didn't seem to grasp the idea that I should have had access to that particular bit of information. Guilty conscience, I guess. "Yeah? Well at least I don't perform in front of a captive audience!"

But under her breath, I heard her say, "If I didn't know better, I'd say he was the Doctor."

She pulled the usual trick, hiding behind her cellmates and opening the wall, while I, in turn, pulled the stunt of barging in before she could close the panel.

Even though she barely knew me, her scolding was exactly the same. Regardless, she let me be, and we dropped into her cabin, as usual.

This time, I didn't hesitate. I rushed after her as she darted out of the room, but when I stepped in the doorway of the next room, she kicked me in the crotch and shoved me to the floor, locking the door behind her.

With a sigh, I left there, lunch box in hand, hurrying down to Tayari's room.

Although I knew for a fact that I hadn't spoken to the senator, and only seen him in the cell, I was banking on him having waited a long time for `the Doctor', so I tried the door anyway.

I wasn't disappointed. The door clicked open, and I found myself inside.

Deciding it a bad idea to leave, I seated myself the best I could on the bug couch, and stuck in one of the film cubes.

Disney's _Frozen. _Great.

I knew the device was something like a five disk changer, and maybe there was more than _Frozen_ on the cube, but I didn't know how to operate the thing.

While the film played, I looked around the corner and found a miniature kitchen with a fridge.

Being especially clever, I shoved the lunch box to the back of the freezer, hiding it behind several boxes of unidentifiable alien frozen confectionery.

Due to the senator's alcohol addiction, I saw more empty bottles than full ones, but there was a small case of something with a foreign label. I cracked one open as I switched out _Frozen_ for the next cube.

_Citizen Cane._

I watched and sipped.

The drink...it was unusual to say the least, tasting rather like cough syrup and chicken, and it made me feel warm and fuzzy all over.

I pulled the cube out right about the point where the newspaper tycoon was walking through the park with pterodactyls flying overhead (not a defect in time, by the way, that was pure Hollywood).

I'd just discovered _Rio 2_ when Desiree burst into the room, demanding the lunch box.

"If you're hungry, just go to the buffet," I joked, offering her an alien `beer.'

She knocked it to the floor, spilling it all over. Boy was she peeest!

For the next ten to fifteen minutes, she tore the place up looking for it, stopping every few minutes to take out her aggressions on me. She punched me until I had bruises and a black eye.

She screamed, she preached about the evils of the Quarks, but I refused to tell.

About a half hour later, with books and stuff scattered all over the place (I in the meantime indifferently determining that the next three cubes were _Mickey's Christmas Carol_, _Paddington Bear_ and _Felix the Cat_).

Only a quarter into _Felix_ did she find the cold metal box.

"You _froze_ it?" she screamed. "You idiot! The properties are volatile! The temperature change will-"

She couldn't complete the sentence. I had just blown us and everything else to pieces.


	31. Chapter 31: Billiards

Now that I had half of Riversong's timeline, there was no point in following her around. I cut through Captain Salty's and practiced pool shots at an empty table.

By the time I had all the balls knocked into side pockets, I saw Riversong strolling in.

As cool as she was about getting me stuff at the bar, I decided her presence in the game room was a sign to get going. Bidding her farewell, I hurried to the engine room door, threw it open, and checked down the staircase.

All clear.

It seemed that, in this particular moment, whatever the Quarks had been doing had already been accomplished.

Wait! Of course! The engineers!

I saw no sign of them anywhere.

But how did they take them anywhere with a broken transmat?

My brain was grinding at the problem like a stalled car engine trying to turn over.

Deciding cat food may help spark the mental engine to life, I marched into the TARDIS and had lunch.

Odd how I was always hungry but seldom had to use the bathroom. Another incomplete puzzle I wasn't sure I'd solve.

It didn't take me long to eat. I put the pizza box containing five slices back in the fridge and climbed upstairs just in time to see Riversong drinking at the bar with Kirwan.

So far so good. Back to the game room for billiards.

I let Zanie run loose, because, hey, she both needed to comfort Desiree and not get blown to pieces.

Being a good dog, however, she stubbornly insisted on remaining close to me anyway.

The man-horse, (I picked up his name this time) offered me a a pool game, and I listened to him lecturing me about physics.

The beautiful thing about physics is that it's so complicated that I could hear a lecture about it for eternity and still not quite understand everything. Therefore, it was not at all annoying. I even found myself asking studious questions that almost seemed intelligent.

When we finished the round, I excused myself to the bathroom, spying on Riversong when I came and and came out.

I played another round, pretended I was getting a drink, then, when Riversong walked off, I played some more.

The way I saw it, if I were going to waste this much time playing pool, I might as well get good at it.

After two more rounds, I decided I had no clue when Riversong would be on the deck, or when the guard would show up, so I figured I would bid Ibitayo adieu and watch the pool.

This time, I was careful, seating myself on the corner leading to the room rather than sitting in a chair in the open.

After I'd waited roughly five minutes, Ibitayo caught me crouching there.

"What are you doing?"

"Shh!" I hissed. Not sure I could trust him, I blurted, "I think I see my ex!"

He chuckled. "I won't tell a soul."

With impatience, I watched Riversong as she swam and chatted with Madame Vastra, eventually curling up on a deck chair. It was so boring that I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard a voice saying, "Excuse me, miss. Is this boy yours?"

Breaking into a cold sweat, I dove into the game room practicing shots like I had nothing to do with the business in the other room.

"He's right in there."

Jenny. The voice and the accusatory tone startled me so much that I tore a hole in the table cover.

She was with Kirwan.

She had led him right to me.

Dammit.

I knew what would happen now, but I wasn't going down without a fight.

Diving behind the table, I hurled pool balls at him.

Actually, it was more like _in his direction_.

One of them hit Jenny in the leg. The other fell harmlessly to the floor.

Kirwan fired shots at me, but I made sure to stay behind the table as much as possible, even when he moved around.

Undeterred, I hurled two more balls and dove down the back hallway.

I don't know what happened to Zanie when all this was going on, but she hadn't come with me. I hoped and prayed that no news was good news.

I thought about hiding in the bathroom, but then I'd be a sitting duck, so I kept going, shoving my way past a pair of creatures that looked like horseflies with man bodies.

"Romba!" Kirwan called. "Suspect resisting arrest!"

Before I could react, the green bartender lady pulled out a stun gun and shot me.

I woke up in the cell.

With a sigh, I seated myself on the bed next to Desiree.

"Tell me about the lunch box," I said.

She reddened. "What lunch box?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Don't play dumb. I know about the _Welcome Back Cotter_ lunch pail. I know there's a bomb inside."

She glanced nervously at the door. "A bomb?"

"Yes. A huge cruise ship destroying bomb. The kind that goes boom when you stick it in a freezer."

Her eye got really big. "How do you know about that?"

"It doesn't matter," I said. "What I want to know is if you personally manufactured said bomb, or if it already existed in my spaceship and you stole it."

"I didn't get it out of a spaceship," she said.

Chameleon circuit, I thought with annoyance. Right. "Fine. It was my room. Whatever you want to call it. Was it like that before, or did you make the bomb yourself?"

"It was my lunch box. I had it before."

"Sure," I said. "You just happen to be the kind of alien that visits thrift stores, shopping around for crusty old lunch boxes from the eighties, and just happened to have the same exact lunch box that I had in my room. Was the explosive in there the whole time? Did you just arm it or something?"

She gave me a skeptical look. "If it was inside your spaceship, you of all people should know the answer to your question."

"I inherited the ship," I said. "The guy who gave it to me didn't leave an instruction manual, and it seems like every time I look around, I find some secret thing I didn't know about. All I want is an answer. Did you make the bomb, or did you just steal an existing one?"

"Both," she sighed. "I found a partially dismantled bomb in the lunch box, and I got it working again with some components I found in storage. Now that I've told you all this, in a room monitored and recorded with security equipment, I'm holding you personally responsible if the Quarks enslave everyone on board and spread their violent oppression to every planet in the galaxy."

"I'm sorry," I said. "I just had to know. For next time."

Her reaction was not what I expected. Instead of mocking me, she looked suspicious, like I knew something I wasn't supposed to know. "What makes you think there will be a next time?"

"I keep having this strange feeling of déjà vu," I said.

The look seemed even more suspicious.

"You know," I continued in a hushed voice. "Speaking on this same subject, I had this strange dream that a wall was opening up, and you were crawling through it, and in the dream I was in a place that kind of looked like this."

She gawked at me.

"Now, if this dream comes true, I want you to take me along. I have important business to do."

She paused and thought for a long time.

"Okay, but you do what I say and keep your mouth shut."

I nodded. "Done."

She gazed into my eyes. "Do you get déjà vu about me?"

I gave the door a sideways glance. "I think I _did_ have a strange dream about you kissing me."

The moment I said this, she got aggressively passionate, and the guard again told us to break it up, walking off in annoyance a few minutes later.

"I was only distracting the guard," she said with a red face.

"Sure you were," I teased. "Whatever you want to tell yourself."

Once everyone was sitting on the bed, she opened the wall, gesturing to the crawlspace. "Quick. Down to the end of the tunnel, and to the left. Hurry."

I did what I was told, and crawled as fast as I could to that little space I'd ducked in the last two times I went that way. As Desiree sealed the wall, I decided the reason why I couldn't go first was because she'd need to open some panels, and there wasn't enough space for us to maneuver around.

When we returned to her room, she grabbed the lunch box, apparently due to me knowing too much about it.

To my surprise, this time she didn't close the door when she entered the next room, even though she told me I had a chance to turn back.

Shutting the door behind me, she pulled a dresser beneath a vent, unscrewed the cover, and climbed in.

Naturally, I followed, and we climbed a ladder, then crawled through several twisting, turning passages, stopping above the area I recognized as the entrance to the little hospital.

"Stay here. I need to get some supplies, and you'll only get in the way."

"Steal them, you mean," I said.

"Yes. Déjà vu again?"

"Yeah."

Seeming to have stopped trying to figure me out, she opened the panel and dropped down, stepping into a little room next to the medical bay.

She came back out wearing the nurse's uniform I'd seen her in before, entering the bay.

A few minutes later, she came back out, stuffing her pockets.

Instead of coming back for me, she just walked back into the other room, leaving me sitting in the duct for more than ten minutes.

Giving up, I stuck my head out of the vent, checking both ways for guards.

Seeing none, I swung down and dropped to the floor.

Oh well, I thought, and I hurried down to Tayari's place.

I drank, I plugged cubes into the machine, I watched movies.

After a few hours, I found every movie the senator told me to find. The only problem was the fact that the place blew up before I could make use of that knowledge.


	32. Chapter 32: Bocko Smuggler

At last I had part of the puzzle put together.

When I came back to square one in front of the bar, I considered just going back up to the senator's room, but I figured there was plenty of time for that later. I still didn't know what was going on with Riversong, and I'd never find out if I didn't find a way to stop Joe from getting arrested.

Fortunately, the first part of his timeline was a no brainer. I got up from the floor and marched off to the banquet hall, taking a seat at Tayari's table.

After singing with him for a bit, I told him I was a writer and I was very interested in doing his biography. I told him I knew about the Interplanetary Mining Bill and the NIMWAC Initiative, but I didn't know very much about his other achievements.

It turns out he authored the Tiggita Tax Law, the Hatchling Rights Bill, the Orphan and Single Parent Provisional and the Pet Freedom act, as well as a series of legislation that never got approved. He liked the fact I had a pet bracelet.

His children were respectable citizens. His wife unfortunately died in a riot.

I glanced at Desiree, but didn't see the point in pursuing her.

As much as I liked her, she wasn't going to do anything new. If I just left her alone, she would do what she normally did and not kill herself. After all, no one rejected or mocked her yet.

Tayari offered me a barrel shaped object and a glass. "Esgadum?"

I accepted this time.

Not the tastiest liquor in the universe, kind of like liver and Frosted Mini Wheats, and a bit of coconut, but it did make me feel loose and mellow.

Tama gave me his book, and I watched Joe and Harvey walk in, staring at the sights.

Food or no food, I got up and hurried to the buffet, watching the two as they loaded up plates.

"Hey! Watch this!" Joe laughed as he poked a fork at the snapping rhubarb or whatever it was.

I pulled his hand away just seconds before it tore up his hand again.

"Unless you don't want bandages, don't mess with that thing."

Of course he didn't thank me, because nobody got hurt.

"Aren't you going to get anything to eat?"

"Not hungry," I said, and I followed them as they seated themselves at an empty table.

I took a seat next to Harvey, idly staring at the aliens milling about.

An orangutan creature you could have mistaken for an extra from _The Planet of the Apes. _A faceless gray mutant. A tall blue one eyed thing with a bowling ball shaped head. The usual patrons.

I stared as a preteen girl with a face framed in porcupine quills approached the table. Her outfit was a yellow jumpsuit with checkerboard patterning along the sides.

She gave Joe a pleasant smile, brushing back the long quills that served for her hair. "Hi."

"Does the lady from _Kill Bill _know you stole her outfit?"

She gave him a blank look. "What?"

"Nothing, _Sonic_."

Another blank stare.

"Don't those needles hurt?" Harvey asked.

"They shouldn't. They're a part of me."

Joe and Harvey gave each other amused glances.

"Do you mind if I sit here?"

"As long as you don't stick me," Joe said.

She ate a bit, then pointed to his uniform. "Are you in the military?"

Joe laughed. "Yeah. The Merit Badge Militia."

She looked convinced. "Do they give you weapons?"

He repressed a chuckle. "All the time. BB guns, bows and arrows, black powder rifles..."

"They start you young!" she said with amazement.

"Actually..." Harvey explained everything the right way, killing the joke.

"Oh," she said. "It's actually not unheard of for boys your age to be officers."

I noticed her slipping tidbits to Zanie under the table, but I let it be.

When they finished, she smiled at Joe and said, "Would you like to dance?"

"Yeah," he smirked. "And maybe next time I'll go dancing with a prickly cactus."

She gave him a look like she thought he really intended to dance with a cactus, but his face said no.

I saw her lip tremble and tears roll down her face. She let out a sob and ran away.

"Smooth," I said. "Real smooth."

"Yeah, you're the one to talk. You left your girlfriend at the bar."

I had to remind myself he wasn't referring to Desiree.

"What girlfriend?" I said. "Jenny doesn't like men. What's your excuse?"

"Anyway," he said. "I'm going to take a look around."

He hopped out of the booth, wading through the crowd.

I followed him out into the hallway around the corner of the spa, and down the starboard corridor to a sort of video arcade.

It didn't contain any kind of game I recognized, but they _were_ games. I saw geometrically themed games in a Tetris sort of style, 3D games that could be loosely described as `racing' or maybe `surfing', with strange looking steering controls. The place had a curious deficiency in violence, and the programs about battle were all rather bloodless and strategy oriented.

We watched various aliens playing the games for a minute or so, then Joe tried to activate one himself with his bracelet like he'd seen the other guests do.

The game in question was an odd little thing about six legged salamander creatures with swords in a cave, but the moving images turned red and froze when Joe tried to play it.

"You didn't make that bracelet right," said a pigeon faced boy leaning on a machine next to ours.

The boy had on sort of a little black dress with baggy pants on underneath. We'd seen him plowing through a complicated game involving the movement of small rodents within clusters of blocks that rapidly assembled in all directions.

"Someone bought these for us," Joe protested.

"Sure they did. That's why all the other guests can use these games and you can't."

"The machine's just broken," Joe stammered.

"Right. Then try the one next to it."

Joe stuck his bracelet into a game about crabs trying to cross a chasm with tools, and this also turned red.

Bird boy laughed. "I'm surprised you haven't been thrown into the brig!"

Joe reddened. "Does your sister know you wear her clothes?"

The boy stared at him blankly. "Why would my sister wear an Ipsego? And what's with those uniforms? Are you and the fat one some sort of military brats?"

"We're space marines," Joe smiled. "And we kick ass."

The boy rolled his eyes. "All right, _space marines_. I have some tools that can improve those bracelets of yours, provided you do me a little favor."

"Sure," said Joe.

"What kind of favor," Harvey said with suspicion.

And then the pigeon boy digs out the bag of glowing sticks. "I need you to take these fireworks up to my uncle in room 135. He's getting old and can't make it up and down stairs too well."

"What good are fireworks here?" Joe asked. "We're indoors."

"Yeah," I said. "And doesn't this place have an elevator somewhere?"

He ignored me. "My uncle is leaving soon, and he wants to make sure he has them ready when we land." He offered Joe the bag.

"Don't take it," I warned.

"They're just fireworks."

"No," I said. "No it's not. They're drugs. Illegal drugs."

"They're not illegal," the boy said. "But _they are_ drugs. _Medicine_, actually. My uncle needs it for his heart."

"_Right_," I said. "Then why don't you take it up there yourself?"

Joe and Harvey both agreed this was an important point.

"I'm a stowaway too," he said. "But Glynus and Kirwan recognize me. If they see me running around upstairs, they'll arrest me for sure."

He shot Joe a pleading glance. "Can you take this upstairs? Please?"

Joe looked at me with uncertainty. "I kinda feel bad for the guy."

"Don't," I said. "I'm not kidding, this stuff is illegal."

"And how would you know?"

"I just do. You're going to get thrown into the brig if you try to make this delivery."

"And you'll get thrown into the brig if you don't," said Bird Boy. "I'll tell security you're using fake badges."

"Great," I sighed. "Blackmail."

"Exactly," he grinned.

I snatched the bag from his hand. "Fine. I'll deliver it." And I shoved it in my vest.

"I'm going to be watching you the whole time," he said. "One false move and I'll call security."

The more he spoke, the more I wanted to beat Bird Beak's head against an arcade machine until he became too brain dead to threaten me.

At least I knew what happened to Joe, and did something about it. I handed Zanie to the Junior Assistant Scoutmaster to take care of in my absence, and left the arcade.

With Bird Boy trailing me a few yards behind, I marched up two floors, wandering from door to door until I found the appropriate number.

I knocked, and a man in a robe with a face with the texture of a cantaloupe skin answered, staring at me as insect legs popped out of his head.

"What."

I pulled out the bag, offering it to him, but he cried, "Put that away!" He made motions with his eyes that seemed to say he wanted the goods, but not in the hallway.

Doing what I was told, I followed him inside a cabin pretty much identical to Desiree's room.

I knew it was a sting when I saw Kirwan stepping out of the bathroom.

He tackled me to the bed, put my hands in restraints, and turned out my pockets. They took the book and the envelope, of course.

Seconds later, I was being led down to the engine room, and ushered into the office next to the jail.

Glynus and Clara were elsewhere for some reason, so it was just me and him in the room. He turned on a small black cube, activating a red light, presumably to record the proceedings.

I frowned as the Mulgam flung the bag of glowing sticks on the desk.

"As you may or may not have read in the Guest Expectations and Guidelines, the Island Princess has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to illegal drugs, which unfortunately means you will be spending the rest of the duration of this voyage in the brig until you can be delivered to the proper authorities.

"That being said, you will have choices. You can either tell me what I wish to know and have a relatively pleasant time in the brig, or you can resist and I can make things positively unpleasant."

"Does Option A involve me getting my book back?"

"It may," he frowned. "Of course, I'd be keeping the key for safekeeping."

I sighed. "What do you want to know?"

He leaned on the desk. "Who gave you the Bocko?"

I described the bird boy. "I didn't get his name."

"Impossible!" Kirwan shouted. "That's Rowel! Demico's son! Try again!"

"Fine," I shrugged. "Don't believe me. But it's the truth. His son's crooked."

Kirwan hit me in the head. "Try again! Who gave you those drugs!"

"Rowel!"

He hit me in the stomach. I guessed of they were recording this interrogation, he was going to be doing some creative editing.

"Fine!" I cried. "I made those drugs myself! I sneaked them aboard in my luggage!"

He backed away, looking satisfied. "The truth at last!"

I groaned in frustration.

"Did you also make that fake guest bracelet?"

"Sure,"I sighed. "Why not. It's easier to smuggle drugs when you're also a stowaway. What other crimes do I have to pretend like I did? Murder perhaps?"

He hit me again, but didn't question me further.

He threw _The Invention of Morel_ on the desk, letting me grab it. At least I'd have something to read in my cell.

Grabbing the collar of my coat, he shoved me out of the room, leading me down to my usual place in the brig.

Happily, I did not see Jenny or the boys in there, only Desiree.

"We keep running in to each other," I heard Tayari saying from the other cell.

"Yeah," I sighed. "It's weird."

I explained how I got framed for drug pushing.

"It's all lies!" Kirwan roared. "Don't you be letting him fill your head with that nonsense! He confessed right in front of me that he made those drugs himself, and I got the data recording to prove it!"

I shook my head and stared at the ceiling.

The senator made a small tsking noise. "That's really too bad. Reminds me of the situation with Runris Foah. Never got over the damage to his reputation."

Hearing a scuffling sound, I turned and saw Glynus dragging Harvey into the cell.

I was determined to find out _that_ story, too.

Still, I comforted myself with the thought that I at least kept _two_ of my friends out of the place.

I introduced myself to Desiree in the usual fashion, disgusting the guard enough to make him leave us alone, and when she had the wall open, I convinced my one eyed friend to take me with her.

When she stopped at the med lab this time, I waited for her to disguise herself and step into the lab, then dropped down and hurried into the room next to it.

The place was a small tiled room used for storage. It held uniforms, blankets, towels, and cleaning chemicals. Nothing terribly useful, unless you're a janitor or a chemist.

I hid in a rack of uniforms and waited.

A few minutes later, my one eyed nurse returned, and I popped out of hiding.

"I appreciate your devotion," she said. "But you're going to ruin everything."

"Is that a fact?" I smirked.

Sighing, she said, "All right." And she unscrewed a panel on the wall, ushering me through a ventilator shaft.

It was awkward, since I had to go first, and I had no place to turn around, but she had to close the vent behind her, so I got goaded into moving more quickly than usual.

I only crawled a yard or so when the passage turned upwards, and I was climbing a ladder.

A junction at that point allowed us to trade spots, and we kept climbing, Desiree all the while holding the lunch box in her teeth or awkwardly with one of her flippers.

We climbed for awhile in that dark passage. Desiree said the usual comments about not looking where I wasn't supposed to, to which I replied, "You mean that little silver piece of fabric?"

She made an outraged noise, hurrying up and away from me.

After several long tiresome moments of climbing, we reached a ceiling of sorts, and Desiree crawled forward, opening a vent cover at the end of the passage.

Following her out, I found myself standing in a control room, a large lozenge shaped compartment lined with computer controls, readouts, and wide glass windows overlooking space in all directions. One end of the room contained a steering wheel like you'd see on a sailing ship, though I wondered about its functionality.

I stared at the empty leather chairs set up, presumably, for the crew, though I wondered if a cruise really needed that many people.

I only saw one person, the captain, I guessed. He wore the classic sea captain outfit, stripes, bow tie, epaulets and all that.

Hearing our footsteps, the man whirled around in his chair. "Hey!" he shouted, jumping to his feet. "You're not supposed to be here! Guards!"

"All downstairs, I'm afraid," Desiree said.

The man paled. "No matter. My brothers, the Quarks, will make short work of you. You'll see!"

He spun the chair around, pressing buttons on the console.

Desiree whipped out a syringe, stabbing the man in the neck.

"You're making a big mistake!" he shouted.

She depressed the plunger, and Cap'n slumped over the buttons. "You'll be sorry" was the last thing the man said.

The human Dalek set down the lunch box, opening the lid. "It's too bad you had to be here for this. I tried to keep you away."

"What," I said. "You'd prefer I burn to death somewhere else?"

She just stared at me, not seeming to comprehend.

"I hate to break it to you, but I was mining rocks on a nearby planet and it fried me there too."

Desiree gaped at me in shock. "What?"

I backpedaled. "I mean, I did the math and according to my theoretical projections, if I were on the bottom deck or the engine room or even on a nearby planet, it would still vaporize me and everyone else, including my cute little dog."

Her eye narrowed. "Why did you act like you actually were there?"

I shrugged. "I have an overactive imagination."

She frowned. "That's not it, is it?"

"Would you really believe that I keep reliving the same day over and over again? And dying? Also over and over again?"

"It's literally a time bomb," she whispered. "I knew it!"

Of course! I thought. It explained so much! As ridiculous and far fetched as the idea seemed, I couldn't think of a better explanation for it.

"Which is why you shouldn't use it," I said. "The only thing you're doing is annoying the hell out of me."

"It's too late. We're here, I have the bomb, and we don't have any other way to rid this place of the Quarks."

"Fine," I said, and I snatched the bomb away from her, dashing toward the air duct.

I only got a few steps before I felt something pricking my neck.

When I awoke, I found myself tied to a chair, watching her head tentacles twitching as she armed the bomb.

"You don't have to do this," I said. "I've gotten the guards to help me blow up a couple with explosives. There is a better way."

"It didn't work, did it?" she said.

I shook my head. "Almost."

"This bomb will blow up all of them, not just a couple."

"I know a guy..."

I paused. I really had no desire to even mention brain surgery and my time as a frog.

She gazed at me anxiously. "Yes?"

"Never mind," I muttered. "Don't you care about anyone? You're going to kill hundreds of innocent creatures with that thing. And for what? To kill off a bunch of slavemaster robots, which may or may not spread everywhere."

"But they _will_ spread everywhere. If allowed to live, they'll spread to every corner of the galaxy and millions more will die."

"Correct me if I'm wrong," I said. "But these things want slaves. That requires life. Killing off your workforce is bad for business."

"They are impatient. Regardless of their breeding programs, they will kill the weak. The elderly..."

"Which you will also take care of with your bomb."

"Would you prefer a long life of suffering followed by the most painful execution imaginable, or a short death by explosives?"

I sighed. We were at an impasse, it seemed.

"What about us?" I said. "Can't you see that I want you to be alive and be with me? Can't you see that I've been trying to make you love yourself and make you see that life is worth living?

"I defended you in front of my friends, I sent you my dog to cheer you up..."

She interrupted me with a long passionate kiss.

"I'm sorry," she said when she pulled back. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of us." And she tinkered with the bomb some more.

"You're only serving your own misguided goal."

She whirled around, eyes ablaze with fury.

"Misguided! What do you know about misguided! You are nothing but a soft bodied human unweathered by the horrors of abuse and oppression!"

She held up an arm showing a long row of black symbols. "This is my slave designation! Ten years of slavery under the Quarks! Ten years of hard physical labor, little sleep and inadequate nourishment! I led the rebellion on Dotoqojnog! We began with five hundred rebels and we left there with five! Friends, allies, companions, all gone.

"Try spending ten years in a Quark encampment. Then, and only then will you be qualified to make judgments about what is misguided!"

"So this is about revenge," I said.

"No, it's about not letting anyone else have to experience what I suffered."

She resumed arming the bomb.

Again, I thought about telling her how I'd been able to pilot a Quark.

I had the choice between two deaths. Burning to a crisp in a few seconds or undergoing brain surgery and spending the rest of my life as an alien frog thing. I chose the former, watching as Desiree finished setting the bomb.

I saw a flash out of the corner of my eye. A Quark had entered the room.

When another one entered, Desiree pushed the detonator.

The blast flung Desiree across the room and through a window, breaking her neck as she spun out into space.

As scalding hot light tore through everything, melting my flesh away, I could have sworn I heard music. Music that went like this:

_Welcome back_

_You thought your dreams were your ticket out_

_Welcome back_

_To that same old place that you laughed about_

_Well the names have changed since you hung around_

_But those dreams have remained and they're turned around_

_Who'd have thought they'd lead ya_

_Back here where we need ya_

_Yeah we tease him a lot `cause we've got him on the spot_

_Welcome back_


	33. Chapter 33: Busted

I wanted to check out the secret locked thing in Senator Tayari's room, but it was more important to stop Joe from getting arrested.

Bird Kid was the culprit. The problem, therefore, was going to be removing him from the equation.

Forget hanging out with Joe and all that. Bird Face was my target now.

When I woke up, I marched straight into the arcade and just loitered, watching the aliens play games. I didn't see Bird Boy anywhere.

My legs got tired, and I lost my patience as I pondered the secret of Tayari's room.

Assuming I could always try again, I marched upstairs, entered the room, and placed the recommended movies in their proper sequence on the tray of the machine.

The first time I did it, nothing happened, but then I tried it in reverse.

Click.

The wall holding the movie screen slid away, and I was staring at a box shaped machine with a slot in it, and me without a key.

That was brilliant.

I stepped out, returning to the arcade just in time to catch Joe boldly marching out with a bag of glowing sticks in his hand.

I grabbed him the moment he reached the middle of the carpeted staircase.

"Those aren't fireworks," I said.

"Yeah? Then what are they, Mister Expert?"

"Those are illegal drugs. If you take them to room 135, you're going to get arrested."

He laughed. "You watch too many movies."

"Do I?" I said.

He stared at the bag. "Assuming you're right, which I really can't accept at this point, how would you even use these things?"

"I don't know," I said.

His eyes narrowed. "Wait. How do you even know there's a sting up there?"

Of course I had to fib. "I was just there. I...saw the guards. It's all a scheme. They're trying to throw us into the brig."

I snatched the bag out of his hands. "This needs to be disposed somewhere."

As I stuck the bag into my vest, I decided I needed some outside help, so I hurried downstairs to the smartest individual on the ship I could trust with things like this.

Pulling up a deck chair next to Riversong sunning herself with a hat over her face, I nonchalantly muttered, "What's Bocko?"

She tilted the hat back and stared at me. "It's a drug. Why?"

I swallowed. "Some kid in the arcade blackmailed Joe into making a delivery."

I opened my vest and showed her. "I stopped him."

She sucked in her breath.

"What do I do with this stuff?"

Riversong reddened. "I'm not going to help you get high!"

"No!" I hissed. "How do I get rid of it? Joe almost got caught in a sting operation."

Madame Vastra, who had been eavesdropping from the other chair, sat up. "Come with me."

She left her chair, and I followed her down the hallway to room 020, a slightly larger version of the standard cabin.

Before I could take another step, I heard a gruff voice saying, "Excuse me, sir. Is this your boy?"

"No," I said, rolling my eyes as I followed Vastra inside.

"What!" Joe cried. "Hey! Nick! Nick!"

"Is that your friend?" the reptile asked.

"No," I said. "I'll explain later."

"Is that your drug smuggler?"

"No."

"How come you are both wearing the same symbols on your clothing?"

I shrugged. "Just because you're in the army doesn't mean you know everyone else that's in it."

"Well he seems to know you."

"Yeah," said Joe. "He's a real jerk!"

"What seems to be the trouble?" Madame Vastra asked.

"He's a stowaway with a fake guest pass, that's what!"

He paused.

"As a matter of fact..."

And then I'm being grabbed roughly, frisked, and framed for possession of narcotics.

Back in the cell again.

Joe and I scowled at each other.

"You jerk," he said. "You know damned well who I am, and you lied about it."

"Can you blame me?" I replied. "It's kind of hard to not have you thrown in here for narcotics possession if I'm not free to move around and prevent it from happening."

"I still got arrested for having a fake bracelet."

"Look," I groaned. "There's something worse going on than just being thrown in the brig. In a few minutes, we're going to end up breaking rocks at gunpoint. That was the whole point of me lying in the first place."

"I thought it was to prevent me getting busted for drugs."

"That too. But now that I'm stuck here, I can't very well find out what's going on. Somehow that Riversong lady betrayed us, and I still don't know why."

"The Quarks could have her under mind control," said Desiree.

I shrugged. "Yeah? Sounds plausible, but I don't know that for a fact. And I don't know how to prevent it, either, thanks to my friend here."

Joe just scowled at me, saying nothing.

I glanced at the human Dalek. I didn't really feel like kissing her this time.

It's not that I don't like kissing girls or anything, it's just that I knew it would stop at a certain point. I think. I was definitely sure we didn't have time to `go all the way.'

Plus, I still hadn't gotten used to how her mouth tasted.

Plus, would you want to keep smooching a person that kisses the same exact way every single time you kissed them?

Instead of kissing, then, I just climbed into the bunk with her, scooting real close as I whispered, "I know about the bomb."

Her eye widened.

I continued. "I won't tell anyone if you take me with you."

She glanced back and forth. "How do you know I'm going anywhere?"

"I've been watching you. Your hands can unscrew bolts and things."

She swallowed. "Who else has been watching?"

"I don't know, the Quarks, maybe? I only know what I have access to."

"And how do you have access to that information?"

"My ship has tracking systems."

One of my better bluffs.

Her eye narrowed. "Wait. How do I know you're not just bluffing?"

"It's inside a _Welcome Back Cotter_ lunch box made with time machine components from my ship. Sound familiar?"

She gasped. "It's literally a time bomb!"

"Keep your voice down!" I chided, forcing down a smirk at the irony.

"Fine," she sighed. "You can come along. But we're going to need a distraction."

Ugh, I thought. Left tongue, right tongue, curl. Repeat.

I glanced around the cell. As thankful as I was to keep at least one person from slave labor, we weren't going to make a good privacy curtain with just two boys.

Rolling my eyes, I got off the bunk and muttered to Senator Tayari about our need for distraction.

Clearing his throat, he banged on the door of his cell. "Excuse me!" he shouted. "I was under the impression that I was a guest on a cruise!"

With a growl, Kirwan stomped over to him. "That was before you got drunk and disorderly."

"Is there a law that says I can't enjoy myself on a cruise?"

And the two got into a protracted argument.

I nodded to Desiree, and she opened the wall.

The moment I got in the passageway, I spoke before she opened her mouth. "Yeah yeah. Down and to the left."

"How did you-?"

"Time bomb. Don't ask."

We crawled the usual tunnels.

On the ladder, the moment she said "Don't," I answered with, "I know. Don't look at your pink underwear."

She snorted. "Good. Keep your eyes where they belong."

We crawled up to the medical lab, I barged into the other tunnel, and we ended u p standing in the control room with the captain.

Hearing our footsteps, the man whirled around in his chair. "Hey!" he shouted, jumping to his feet. "You're not supposed to be here! Guards!"

"All downstairs, I'm afraid," Desiree said.

The man paled. "No matter. My brothers, the Quarks, will make short work of you. You'll see!"

"They got you brainwashed too?" I said.

He blinked. "Brainwashed? Hardly! The Jajsurd Colelctive gets a very lucrative deal from their partnership once the Quark empire is fully in control. I shall receive enough funds and slaves to form a flawless Eden on planet Arezoq.

"No wars, no stealing, no (ahem) physically unattractive people such as yourselves. I'll make my own perfect civilization. The rest will be slaves either for me or the Quarks."

"Inside, you are no better than the Khaled," Desiree spat. "And as ugly as a Maireveg."

He laughed. "I look like you, you mean?"

"You know," I said. "When Adolf Hitler ordered the creation of a society of nothing but blondes with blue eyes, he forgot to look in the mirror."

The captain stared at me. "What are you talking about?"

"What he means," Desiree said. "Is that you intend to eliminate imperfection when you yourself are imperfect."

"Think whatever you want," he said. "The simple fact of the matter is, you're not supposed to be here, and you're going to go to the brig. Guards!"

Desiree chuckled. "All downstairs, I'm afraid."

"Just knock him out," I said. "He's going to call the Quarks."

My warning came too late. By the time we had him knocked out, he'd already summoned the Quarks, just like before.

Figuring that I'd be dead no matter what I did, I grabbed the lunch box, yanking a cord out of the bomb.

It was the wrong one.

Everything exploded in my face.

Note to self: Leave the blue cord alone.


	34. Chapter 34: Private Eye

Clearly, Pigeon Face must have reported Joe to the guards the moment I tried to bypass his little scheme and get rid of the drugs, and that in turn got me arrested.

I also knew whatever needed to be done, it wasn't holding on to the drugs and marching up to the room, either.

Briefly, I contemplated beating Pigeon Boy to death, but I had a conscience, even if things would just start over at the end of the day. Plus, it would doubtless result in me being thrown into the brig.

Equally tempting was the thought of beating up or killing the creeps that set up the little sting operation, but they have often proven to be stronger than I, and I didn't have any strong arm to back me up.

Wait.

I got up off the floor, hurrying into the banquet hall.

Glancing at Senator Tayari, I considered picking up `my book', but then decided it would be a wasted effort if my plan failed to work.

I slid into Desiree's booth, giving her a sheepish smile.

"Hi."

"Hello?" She looked both confused and pleased.

"Look," I said. "I need your help desperately. There's a boy in the arcade with a bird face. he's going to plant drugs in my friend's pocket, and run him upstairs to a room where they're running a sting operation."

She leaned over the table, eye wide. "How do you know all this?"

Since it took too long to explain the time bomb and everything, I pretended to be some hardboiled military detective, and played my conversation that way.

"I've been spying."

Desiree frowned. "Then tell your friend."

"It's no use. I tried it. He doesn't believe me."

I sighed and shook my head. "I'm going to level with you. We're all stowaways, and he knows it. He can blackmail us into doing this delivery."

I grabbed her flipper. "I know this is dangerous, but I also know you're tough, and your hands can open sealed panels."

She eyed me with suspicion. "Assuming you didn't just make all this up, what makes you think I want to help you?"

I leaned closer, lowering my voice. "Like you, I've been hunting the Quarks for quite some time. This sting job is getting in the way of my investigation. If we can get these guys out of the way, we can find the person, persons, or thing, that's at the head of this snake and cut it off before it can do more damage."

Her face now reflected a look of admiration. "What do we need to do?"

"I was hoping you could tell me. Every solution I can think of ends with me getting arrested."

"I doubt we can just barge in the door. If they're set up like you said, they'll be expecting us...or your friend."

"You know this place better than I do. Is there some sort of vent we can climb out of and surprise them?"

Now Desiree looked upset. "You've been spying on me too?"

I shrugged. "I'm serious about stopping the Quarks, as are you. I've looked at this from every angle I can think of, and there's no one else I would trust with the matter."

She responded with a curt nod that hinted at military training. "I believe if we enter through the ventilation system in an adjoining room, we should have the element of surprise."

The boys entered the room.

"We should go," I said. "The moment my friends over there finish eating, we'll all be screwed."

She got up, staring at the scouts. "Those are your friends? They look too young to be spies."

"They're not. It just shows you what kind of scum we're dealing with. C'mon."

I led her out of the banquet hall, and a round the end of the ship to the arcade, where bird boy was again lurking, looking shifty as usual.

I marched up to him, angry and not in the mood for games, and I glared into those orange-gold owl's eyes of his.

"Right," I said. "Let's not waste time with formalities. You have a _delivery_ allegedly for a family member, but it's really for a security agent as part of a sting."

He opened his mouth to protest, to which I replied, "Regardless of what weak cover story you're about to make up, the simple fact of the matter is, I and my friends have fake bracelets, you know this, and you are going to blackmail us into doing your bidding."

Bird Boy cleared his throat, glancing at Desiree. "Funny, the thought never occurred to me until just now, but you're right. Your bracelet looks fake, and she doesn't have one. That definitely sounds like a good plan. Thanks for the idea."

I held out my hand, and he gave me the glowing sticks. "Have fun in the slammer."

"I fail to understand. Why should he agree to do this delivery if he's only going to get arrested in a sting?" Desiree asked the boy.

"Because, like he said, he has friends, and I won't report them if he makes the drop."

"And what do you have to gain from such blackmail?"

"That's my business, not yours."

Desiree rolled her eye. "Let's go."

I pocketed the bag, stepping out of the arcade and climbing the stairs.

"To the untrained eye," Desiree said. "It appears as if you intentionally got involved in a criminal situation that you could have otherwise avoided."

"I was merely beating him to the punch. Like I said, I've been spying, and I know where the boys are off to next."

"You seem a little too certain."

"Okay," I sighed. "You know that bomb you made out of that lunch box you stole from my spaceship? It's literally a time bomb, and I've been dealing with this boy and his drugs and getting arrested for several days, and it's pissing me off."

She stopped and gawked at me for a moment. "You can see the future?"

"Sort of," I groaned. "Not nearly enough to solve all my problems."

We stopped in front of room 134, which Desiree opened with her hand.

Inside, bound and gagged on a bed, was a gray woman with a bird beak.

She looked just like the boy in the arcade.


	35. Chapter 35: Bird Woman

We stared at the bound figure with disbelief.

"This could be construed as illegal," Desiree said.

We looked around, but saw no one guarding the female. It seemed that whoever had bound her up this way had presumed that a locked door and some plastic encased steel cables resembling bike chains were good enough to keep her in place, and her boy wasn't smart enough to pick the lock in the room next to the sting.

What did they threaten, exactly? That they'd kill her with the push of a button, or an imaginary trip wire?

I removed her gag, staring at the scratched up orange beak.

"Hi," I said with a gentle smile. "I'm Nick. What's your name?"

"Graciela Edaise."

"What's going on here, Graciela? And please, don't tell me S&M."

"Kirwan and Mooraidan are using the ship to smuggle drugs, and he's using my son to frame innocent passengers and keep the heat away from themselves!"

I furrowed my brow. "How would he deliver the stuff after framing people like that?"

"Blackmail, of course. If they're a good mule, they get rewarded. If not, he sends law enforcement agents video `evidence' of the victim being arrested for possession, which of course makes him look completely innocent."

"I guess the slavery wasn't part of his original plan," I muttered under my breath.

"What?"

"Nothing," I said. It was too much to explain.

Desiree put her hands to the lock holding the female's hands in place, and our victim sat up, rubbing her wrists.

"What are we going to do?" I said. "The constabulary is corrupt, and there's nobody to report to."

"Agent Clara Oswald," said Graciela. "She's new to the staff. May not have yet fallen prey to the scheme."

I nodded. "You're right. I've...heard very good things about her. I'll go get her."

Graciela stood up. "We'll go together."

"You're not going anywhere," a voice growled.

I turned and saw Kirwan and Cantaloupe Face pointing their weapons at us.

"Any more bright ideas?" I asked to nobody in particular.

Without a word, Desiree raised her hands, and the air filled with a deafeningly shrilly sound that broke planters and picture frames and left us all holding our ears in pain.

"Go!" she cried, kicking Kirwan in the knee, which oddly caused him to double over like he'd been kicked somewhere else.

As Cantaloupe Face raised his weapon, we rushed him, knocking him and his companion to the floor.

To add insult to injury, I quickly stuffed the package of drugs in Kirwan's pocket, watching with approval as Graciela tied the other guy's hands with the cable.

"It's too bad we don't have anything to knock them out with," Desiree muttered. "The tranquilizers are in the med lab."

The moment she said it, Graciela dug out the bag of drugs, shoving one glowing stick into the mouth of each of the drug dealers.

Their eyes drooped as they broke into giggling fits, protesting weakly as Desiree secured Graciela's knots and sonically locked the chain, securing the other with a ripped up towel.

"That won't hold them long. Let's go."

I grabbed a glowing stick, intending to prolong the stunning effect of the drug on our captives, but Bird Lady stopped me. "No. That would be fatal."

I sighed. Killing them would inevitably solve some problems, but I didn't want to offend an ally.

"Why?" I said. "It would serve the scumbags right."

She frowned at me. "You're...not the Doctor."

I stared at her in dismay. "He's a bleeding heart?"

"It's better than one made of ice."

I shook my head and gave up the idea.

I hadn't bothered to follow around Officer Clara. After all, if I had, I'd more than likely get arrested...or get killed by Quarks in the TARDIS.

"How are we going to find her?" I asked.

"Don't you know?" Desiree chided. "I thought you said the time bomb..."

"I also told you the disadvantages."

"There should be a security alert station around here somewhere," Graciela said.

That didn't sound like a great idea to me. "What, and notify the wrong people?"

Bird Woman scowled at me. "You got a better idea?"

"I do," said Desiree. "What's Clara's ID?"

I told her I didn't know.

Graciela shrugged.

Desiree rolled her eye. "Never mind."

I hadn't noticed this before, but every floor on the ship contained at least one spot on the wall marked with a three eyed bird emblem. All this time I thought the thing was used as a dumbwaiter or a fire extinguisher case, because it was only a square of fake wood set flush in the wall.

The human Dalek pushed a flipper on a star in the corner of this square, and it slid open, revealing a monitor, a button, and a speaker.

Using her palm, she unscrewed a little box, palmed some circuit boards, and the screen showed some sort of long list.

She clicked a few menus on this directory and I found myself staring at the face of the mysterious officer we wanted.

"Ms. Oswald," Desiree began. "We have some important information to tell you."

Clara frowned at us. "How did you get this line?"

"Allow me," I said.

Desiree stepped aside questioningly.

"Clara," I said. "It's me. The Doctor. I've regenerated. Again." I gripped my lapels to emphasize it was the Doctor's shirt.

The expression on her face was sheer and utter disbelief. "But that's impossible!"

"It's a long story," I said. "Too long to tell here." And too long to tell you at all, I thought to myself. "I've used my sonic screwdriver to access this signal. That part's not important. What's important is that there's illegal activity going on right under your nose, and if you don't come up here quick, they'll hide al the evidence and disappear. Got me?"

She nodded, but looked uncertain. "If you're truly the Doctor, then tell me this..."

Just as she began asking me what restaurant she stood up her boyfriend at after I `ruined' her date, I elbowed Desiree and she cut the signal.

After this, we stood around the door, watching our crooked cops curl into a ball and stare vacantly at nothing.

We waited.

We waited so long that clarity seemed to return to Cantaloupe Face.

"You must be stupid," he said. "The first thing I would be doing right now is hiding. Maybe even jumping overboard if it were possible."

"Oh?" I heard a voice say from behind me. "And why would they be doing that?"

"Clara!" Kirwan cried. "Thank Kaon you're here! These criminals have tied us up and forced us to take Bocko!"

"Did they also kidnap Ms. Edaise?"

Cantaloupe Face seemed to turn purple with fury. "Kidnapping! There's no kidnapping! What lies have those cretins been telling you!"

"Nothing," she smiled. "I heard it straight from the `cretin's' son."

I turned and saw Pigeon Boy stepping into the room.

"That's right. Kidnapping. I and my mother will testify against you in whatever court you want to meet in."

And so Clara handcuffed the crooks while Graciela told her all that happened. She took photos, recorded Ms. Edaise and her boy's testimony, then she stared at me with skepticism.

"When we were tiny and exploring the sick Dalek, what caused its personality to change?"

I thought about saying something cute, like "By one get one at Payless shoe store," but instead I decided to feign amnesia. "I..." I stammered. "I don't...remember."

"And how did we get rid of the mummy on the Orient Express?"

"By throwing it overboard?" I said. "I don't know."

Seeing her skeptical frown, I gave her a sheepish grin. "You know how these regeneration things are! It changes your whole face! I think it messed with my brain!"

"Everybody saw you die, `Doctor,' she said. You evaporated in front of thousands of witnesses."

"Stage trick," I fumbled. "Fancy light show. You'd be amazed what people can do with lasers."

She narrowed her eyes. "I should throw you in the brig with Mooraidan. Give me one reason why I shouldn't."

"Um...I have a TARDIS?"

Her mouth hung open. "That's...a very good reason. Show me."

I glanced at the crooks. "What about these guys? Shouldn't they go in the brig?"

She waved my companions and I outside and pulled the door shut. "There. Now show me."

"Will you let me know when you need me to testify?" Graciela asked.

She nodded. "Just relax and take it easy for awhile. I got this."

I looked around and saw that Desiree had disappeared, probably off to blow up everyone again.

I sighed. Can't win them all, I thought.

And so I led Clara down to the TARDIS.

Amazed as usual. Same comments.

Since it was obviously bad news to hang around the console room, I wandered down the various hallways, looking in doors, to see what I could see.

There were a lot of bedrooms. One contained personal items belonging to someone named Tegan (the woman had a rather gaudy sense of fashion), another to Ace (anarchist, I supposed, lots of weapons and punk rock clothing), and Romana (an alien, apparently), and Susan and Carol, who seemed to be living mentally in the 1960's. A couple men's bedrooms were also discovered along the way, some guy named Ian, and another by the name of Roary (the weirdo owned a Roman soldier costume).

Past all this, and a little room with plants and a fountain, I came across the bowling alley.

As a private one lane, it was pretty sweet. Bar, big screen televisions over the lane, perfect glistening hardwood floor, smoothly functioning ball return and pin setter. A pair of fine leather sofas and a low table, custom bowling balls that probably cost two hundred dollars apiece.

The robot head ball was my favorite, but it was heavier than any bowling ball I'd ever lifted, so I opted for another that appeared to be Thomas Jefferson's laundry list with a key on top of it.

Not wanting to get killed by Quarks, I just bowled for twenty minutes, stopping every so often to mix beverages with fruit juice and club soda at the bar or go to the bathroom, a second one conveniently located in the same room.

When I reached the ninth frame, I saw Clara marching zombie-like up to my sofa. Her eyes were glassy and she had a gun like they used in cowboy movies clutched by her side.

"Hello?" I said. "Is everything all right?"

Without a word, she shot me twice in the chest, then once point blank in the head.


	36. Chapter 36: Spy Gear

Dammit, I thought as I once again found myself sprawled on the hallway floor. I was so close!

First Riversong betrays me, then Clara. What happened to her while I was bowling? What caused this abrupt personality change? And how foolish I was to spend my time so noisily!

I sighed. At least now I knew what to do.

I got up, marching straight down the hall to the arcade.

Seeing the bird kid busy at work playing the strange fighting game with the bugs, I tapped him on the shoulder.

"Kid, don't mess with my friends. I know those crooked cops are keeping your mom hostage, but I've got a plan to rescue her. Keep the drugs in your pocket. I'll take care of it."

He gave me a weird look. "Didn't you already do that?"

This floored me. I stared at him in astonishment. "What?"

Frowning, he said, "Yeah, yeah. You saved my mom. My hero and all that. Are you fishing for compliments or something?"

I furrowed my brow, shaking my head. "Never mind."

"Doctor!" I heard a voice cry.

I turned my head and saw Graciela approaching.

"Hi," I stammered.

"Kirwan and Mooraidan are still restrained. You will testify against them when we reach Fissulo 4, won't you?"

I shrugged. "I'm afraid I'm in a little trouble with the law. You'll have to excuse me if I don't attend the trial."

The time loop is over! I thought with a grin. "I hope everything works out for you, though. See you around."

I sighed in relief, thinking that I at last could check out Tayari's safe without worrying about being arrested.

I hurried to the banquet hall, intending to seat myself at his table, but then I could see Desiree waving at me, hissing, "Nick!"

This is new, I thought.

I marched over to her table, still grinning. "Hi. What's going on?"

"Did you find anything new about the Quarks?"

I sighed. "Not yet, but I'm working on it."

"I believe you about the time bomb," she said. "But if we can't find a better way to stop them, it looks like our only solution."

Giving her flipper a squeeze, I said, "I'll let you know when I have something."

And then I seated myself at Tayari's table.

"Hello, Senator," I said, fully expecting him to recognize me.

"Do I know you?"

I frowned. "You should."

"I'm sorry. It's not ringing any bells."

"You really don't know?"

"No. Should I?"

Shaking my head, I muttered, "I'm the Doctor."

"Ah," he said. "I thought you looked familiar."

I nodded.

He slid his book across the table. "I think you, of all people, can appreciate a book like this."

Those same old words, and the utterly predictable list of songs from the cantina band caused me to frown. I thanked him, just the same.

When I'd put the book in my vest, I heard Joe screaming.

It was then I decided that maybe the time loop hadn't actually ended.

I didn't bother helping the boy. Instead, I marched straight out of the room and up the stairs to room 119.

It only took me three attempts to figure out the pattern of video cubes I'd assembled last time to reveal the machine, and the card from the envelope actually served as its key.

The moment I put it in, I heard a pneumatic hiss, and the machine opened, revealing a display case filled with strange objects.

It reminded me of one of those secret weapons racks they had on spy movies, except there weren't actually weapons in it.

In the gray foam padding, I saw a badge in a leather wallet, a cel phone, a pair of sunglasses, a cigarette case, a spoon, a yo-yo, a Swiss army knife, a thumb drive, and a disgusting yellow slug in a clear box.

Oh, and there was a sonic screwdriver in the case, too.

You can guess what I pocketed first, and it seemed someone else did, too, for the moment I pocketed this useful tool, a little monitor above the case came on, and I saw the dead guy's face smiling at me.

A wrinkly, weird looking gray haired man with crazy bulging eyes.

"Hello, me!" he said. "Me Junior, or, more accurately, _me impersonator_.

"Since you've gotten this far, you apparently must have proven your advertised trustworthiness with the good Senator, and have managed to avoid the authorities long enough to make it up here. Great job on rescuing Ms. Edaise, by the way. I would have liked to see it happen in person, but I, unfortunately, have other plans. You can't be everywhere, you know."

"Wait," I said, assuming this was some sort of live video feed. "How did you..."

It seemed the Doctor had anticipated this response, and timed it exactly when he thought I'd speak, for he replied, "One of the advantages of being a time traveler is being able to see things in advance. Of course, you of all people should know this by now.

"Nasty business, time bombs. Wish I hadn't gotten you stuck in the middle of one, but it couldn't be helped. I did the numbers. Roughly a thousand passengers on a small cruise ship versus oh, say, about ninety trillion intelligent beings. Couldn't be in both places, so I delegated the authority to someone I could trust."

"Against my will!" I shouted.

He seemed to jerk back at the outburst, but was still smiling. "Boy Scout. Nothing to do. Mama's boy. Job at IKEA that he dislikes intensely. Sound familiar?"

I slumped my shoulders.

"Don't answer that. It's rhetorical. The point is, you now own the most amazing spaceship in the universe, allowing you to see the most amazing sights in time and space, so you really shouldn't complain about minor trifles such as, say, blowing up over and over again.

"What's more, I've left you this toy box in hopes that you will be clever enough to figure out a way to _stop_ blowing up. Oh, and try the Jelly Babies. They're really good. Not stale yet, I should think."

I looked around at the various objects in confusion.

"Cigarette case," he prompted, as if he were really watching me.

It was stupid, but the cigarette case actually contained candy. Some kind of starchy gummy bear-ish thing. I wasn't too wild about it.

"Nice to see you not looking all bloody and loaded with shrapnel."

"Likewise, I'm sure."

A vague response, appropriate for a recording. So it _is_ Memorex! I thought.

I tapped the screen.

"I know it's a lot to take in, but I don't have all day. I'm sure you have things to say to me, so say them."

"You're dead," I said. "How is it that we're having this conversation?"

He nodded. "I was wondering when you would come around to asking me that. As you may or may not have guessed, this is a recording.

"The precise details are a little much to be getting into, but you doubtless have telephoned answering machines where the party on the other line has cleverly timed their responses so it sounds like they're talking to you when they actually are not?"

"How-"

He answered my question before I could verbalize it. "You'll notice that there is a camera on that cel phone. I've souped up its functioning a bit and routed the feed into my TARDIS. Technically it's your TARDIS now, but the point is, I popped into the future a few thousand years to watch the recording, and used a timer to make my responses coincide."

Not believing that nonsense, I spoke, not really expecting an answer. "You've been spying on me with your TARDIS, but you couldn't figure out how to prevent dying."

He nodded. "Benjamin Franklin is unsightly. He really shouldn't lay naked in the open like that."

I screwed up my face. "What?"

The Doctor frowned at me. "I didn't answer your question?"

"No," I said.

"Oh wait. That's right. You didn't ask that one yet."

He pointed the sonic screwdriver at the screen, making a high pitched whir.

The man clicked something and pocketed it again. "There."

"So you were with Benjamin Franklin when you died?"

The Doctor shook his head violently. "No no no. But _that would be weird_."

I frowned at him impatiently.

He sighed. "Why can I spy on you from the future and yet not prevent my own demise..."

"Yes," I said. "That is the million dollar question."

"Traveling back in time to spy on a man who ends up dying alone in his apartment, easy. Pulling myself out of a reactor core and stop it from going nova in eight seconds, not so much.

"But I've made peace with my future, and that's how it's going to be."

"What?" I blinked. "I die single and alone?"

The Doctor gave me a shrug. "You did, and you might. Of course, probably not now since I meddled."

"Why me out of the billions of people on the earth?"

"Why not?" came the glib reply.

"You had to have some criteria," I said. "Some kind of connection. A system. Something. I'm not the only single person to ever die alone."

"Indeed," he said. "But you made this puppet show on YouTube. A very...interesting puppet show. About a dog...it gets eighty million hits. After you're dead, of course."

"Of course," I muttered, flushing red with anger.

"You haven't actually made it yet. It's sort of bitter and angsty. In fact, one of your scouts sees the video and jumps off a bridge. And maybe a dozen children. Not important. Hasn't happened yet. Hopefully won't happen."

"That's some video!" I joked, not believing what I was hearing.

"You have no idea."

The Doctor took a deep breath and said, "So I thought to myself, now here's a man with too much time on his hands. He needs something to do. Maybe give his puppets something more interesting to talk about."

He snapped his fingers dramatically. "I got it! I'll give him a nice vacation on the Island Princess, which incidentally has a lot of suspicious things going on. That will keep him busy! In fact, it's perfect! Did he or did he not say that his life was nothing but one big failure and he couldn't wait for the end of his life?"

I stared at him, absently twirling the sonic screwdriver. I'd never said any of what he described, but it sounded like something I might say as a cynical old man, and from time to time, I _have_ kind of felt that way.

My stomach sank as I thought about those children. Twelve dead, and all because of me. Even if I blamed the parents, like they did for South Park and other television programs, it didn't make me feel any less sick to my stomach.

Without thinking about it much, I twisted the rings on the device, my thumb sliding over the button. It was only an anxious behavior, like chewing my cuticles.

The little monitor sparked and popped, and smoke curled out of it.

"Don't mess with that!" the Doctor cried, but it was too late.

The screen went blank.

"Doctor?" I said.

No answer.

I guess I blew my chance at further answers.

"Oops," I muttered, pocketing the tool.

I picked up the badge, not believing what I saw.

What I had in my hands was a temporary boarding pass explaining how I was a new staff member on holiday, and why I didn't have a bracelet, requesting a replacement. I grinned and pocketed it.

I put on the shades as a joke. They didn't tint anything in the slightest, but I put them in my vest anyway, thinking I could mess around with them when I was bored.

I pushed the buttons on the phone, checking its call list.

A number of the most recent calls were for Clara, if you call a year ago recent. Since the Doctor was married, I thought this suspicious. Was there an affair going on?

I dialed the number and Ms. Oswald picked up after a couple rings.

"Doctor?"

"Yes," I said, trying to keep a straight face. "Look, Clara. I have a question for you, and I don't know how to frame it politely. Are...you and I...boyfriend and girlfriend?"

She laughed. "You seriously don't know?"

I swallowed. "No. It's, um, regeneration amnesia. So were we or were we not?"

"As if!" she chuckled. "I mean, maybe before you regenerated that first time when we met, but then I moved on."

"Right," I said, turning red. "So why did I call you so much?"

"Oh? The usual. Saving the universe, making a complete ass out of yourself. That kind of thing."

"That...definitely sounds like me!"

I was disappointed and relieved at the same time.

"Doctor," she said. "You sound different."

"Does anyone sound like themselves when they call you on the phone?"

"You're right, but I've heard the Doctor on the phone, and you don't quite..."

"I told you I regenerated."

"Oh. Right. You _did_ say that."

In between the lie and the secret phone, she seemed to be convinced.

"It's so weird. Everyone thinks you're dead."

"That's kind of the point. I'm going undercover."

"Oh!" I thought I heard genuine amazement.

Clearing my throat, I said, "Ms. Clara, can I rely on you to help me save the universe again?"

"Certainly," she said. "Just like old times. Give the word and I'll be there."

"If I do give the word, and that's not right now, can you promise not to shoot me in the head with a gun?"

"What?"

"I, uh, traveled time, and in the future, you shot me in the head with a Smith and Wesson or something."

"But I wouldn't shoot anybody! I know how you hate violence. Why would you-?"

"Never mind," I said. "But you'll help me when the time comes."

"Absolutely."

I didn't know if she really meant all that, so I simply said, "Right now I'm working on something that might need your help. I'll let you know once I have a plan."

I hung up.

The yo-yo seemed to be ordinary, as did the spoon. I put them in my pockets anyway, along with the candy.

I had no computer for the thumbdrive to go into, but I kept it for future use.

The slug, well, I really didn't know what to do with it. I laid the glass box on the table and opened one end, letting it crawl out.

I always thought slugs were gross, but since this thing was apparently the Doctor's pet (though I didn't know how it was preserved for so long), I decided it might be okay to touch it.

When I pulled my finger away, I found myself sitting in Tayari's couch with no recollection of how I got there, or what I was doing immediately after my little chat with the Doctor.

I was certain an hour had passed, despite not having any means of proving that assertion.

I forgot the slug.

Still, when I saw it crawling across the carpet, I knew it was bad news.

At first, I was upset and a little frightened, but then, after I had cracked open one of Tayari's fine beverages, I recalled the weapons being in the case before the incident, and my pockets feeling heavy after.

When I'd made a careful inventory of my pockets, I decided I was doing all right.

I experimented some more with my new toys.

Thinking I had a pair of polarized movie theater glasses, I changed movie blocks, trying to watch _The Lion King_, which, in my defense, was selected at random.

Changing the blocks did, in fact, cause the safe thing to retract into the wall, and I was able to watch the film, but the lenses did nothing.

Okay, almost nothing.

About five minutes into the film, the picture disappeared and I saw a block of huge plain face text saying `WATCH THIS MOVIE OVER AND OVER AGAIN.'

When I took the glasses off, I only saw the monkey preparing to raise baby Simba beneath a beam of divine light.

Putting the glasses on again, I could read this message: `YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T LOVE YOU UNLESS SHE BUYS YOU ITEMS FROM THE DISNEY VAULT.'

I knew something was wrong with the movie all along, but now I had proof.

Disgusted, I looked away and noticed a tiny little bottle sitting among Tayari's empties.

I took my glasses off, and it vanished, but putting them back on revealed it to me again.

I got up, staring at the tag that dangled from its side.

"Drink me," it said.

Generally, I mistrust anything _Alice in Wonderland_ related due to the psychedelic drug reference, but this bottle was invisible, and therefore had much greater potential to shrink me down to the size of a mouse. Whether or not I actually wanted to be that size, though, was another story, or if it actually did what I thought it did.

I dropped it into my pocket for later, in case I really needed to be a midget...or needed to die from poisoning.

At this point, I blanked out again, and I was back on the couch, absently staring at a section of the film that said `PUT ON AN ANIMAL COSTUME AND GO TO CONVENTIONS,' and `LOVING PARENTS TAKE THEIR CHILDREN TO DISNEYLAND.'

Shaking my head, I got up, stumbling to the door.

A Quark was standing in the hallway beyond.

I nearly jumped out of my skin and ran, but then I noticed it wasn't moving.

I took off the glasses and it was gone.

Putting them back on made it reappear.

Was it there the whole time?

When I crept to the stairs, it slowly followed me, turning into a red ghost and fading back into existence over and over again.

I hurried downstairs, bolting down the hallway, which just so happened to be occupied by a human Dalek in a nurse's uniform marching the other way.

"Hey!" she shouted as we bumped into each other. "Watch where you're going!"

My glasses detected two Quarks, one at each end of the hallway. "Don't look now, but this ship is crawling with Quarks."

"I know," she frowned. "That's why it must be destroyed."

"We're being watched," I said. "I can see them."

She snatched the glasses off my face, peered through one lens and gasped.

"You're right!"

Then she frowned. "No matter. They can't follow me through the air system."

And she swiped my glasses and went about her usual business.

Unlike the last dozen times, I had no reason to follow her, except to get my glasses back. I knew where she was, Joe wasn't going to get arrested, and I had a fake ID and a sonic screwdriver to get me out of tight spots.

I marched down to the lower level.

Obviously, around this time, I had already been in the brig and out of it again. Although I hadn't plotted out the time table with any degree of accuracy, I estimated that, in the scenario in which I remained in the brig, I was by now somewhere between sitting around bored and getting beaten for trying to pick the lock on the cell door, and being led away as a slave.

Since I had no clue what everyone was doing while I was sitting in my cell, I did some random exploring.

The moment I stepped into the room with the pool and the beach chairs, a Quark popped into existence in front of me, knocking me out with a taser.


	37. Chapter 37: Frog Eggs

I awoke to find myself sprawled on the floor near one of those giant cone things and machinery that Riversong had fixed in room 109.

I checked my pockets, and, to my surprise, my new toys were still there.

A hairy paw grabbed me by the hair, forcing me to my feet.

It was Glynus, brainwashed again, literally or figuratively.

I wished I still had that slug.

He pushed me forward, toward the cones.

"Wait," I said. And then I tried the little speech that worked on him last time. "You may think the Quarks are doing you a favor by extracting ores out of that planet, but they don't know the first thing about maintaining a good slave labor force. They just push everyone until they can't go on and then kill them when they can't get up. That's no way to maintain good production levels."

He eyed me with suspicion. "And where are you getting this information from?"

"Personal experience."

He frowned, muttering under his breath. At last, he said, "It's just too bad. You'll have to go along with the rest."

The Mulgam pushed me forward.

I offered him the cigarette case. "Want a gummy bear?"

Glynus gave me a dumb look. "What?"

"Uh, they're called Jelly Babies. Candy."

I opened the case, demonstrating by eating one.

Starch. Yummy.

Glynus tried one, then frowned.

"That's pretty much what I said," I joked.

I didn't know it at the time, but Clara had been watching me. Although apparently brainwashed or zombified somehow, my pointless activity caused her to scrunch up her face and stare at me like she were trying to solve an annoying riddle.

"Doc...tor," she stammered, as in a fog.

"That is not the Doctor," Riversong sighed, sounding like she were in a trance.

Clara said, "He has Jelly Babies and the same phone."

The two froze, gawking at me.

"And this!" I cried, whipping out the sonic screwdriver.

I pushed a button, and I heard a bunch of popping, crackling sounds.

A dozen Quarks suddenly appeared out of nowhere, sparking and popping as I held the button down.

Unfortunately, it seemed I only destroyed their cloaking devices, and when I pointed the screwdriver at one of these shiny creatures, it did nothing.

I twisted the ring and tried again.

This time, it made an ear splitting high pitched noise.

I would have experimented further, but at that point, a Quark grabbed me by the legs and flung me against a wall, over and over again.

I never actually wanted to know what it was like to be body slammed to death, but I got to find out anyway.

When I woke up on the floor near Captain Salty's again, my pockets were empty. It seemed this time warp was very selective about what changed and what didn't. Regardless, I wasted no time getting to business.

Jumping to my feet, I hurried down the hall to the Senator's table, giving him a smile.

"Hi," I said. "I'm the Doctor. Mind if I borrow that book?"

Tayari nodded and I took it.

Desiree waved me over to her table, but I had things to do, so I took her flipper and said, "You're doing a great job. I'm still working on stopping the Quarks. I'll let you know when I need help."

I kissed the flipper.

"You're gorgeous. I love you. Don't blow us up. I'm going to find something that does the job better."

And I ran off to Tayari's room.

The safe was easier to open this time around.

To my great relief, the little monitor inside was working again, and I saw the Doctor's face once more. I sighed in relief.

I noticed he sat in a room resembling my TARDIS. The colors and architecture were different, and it had a kind of carousel thing on the ceiling. I remembered they remodeled.

The man looked down at his watch. "Five minutes, thirty seconds. Excellent. Maybe _you_ should be the one repairing the engines at Jixtibik 11."

I gawked at him. "This is a time loop! Everything's repeating! How is this possible?"

He smiled. "Mepatma. Lots of room for data. It's a little different than a DVD. It's more like one of those CD-ROM games. Decision tree and all that. Took some readings from alternate timelines, made a few educated guesses. It's a game. Of sorts.

"`IF he arrives at the room in five minutes and thirty seconds, THEN give him Speech B.' Etcetera. On a positive note, we were back where we were before, minus the severely damaged playback device."

He cleared his throat. "I must reiterate: No playing with the sonic screwdriver while I'm talking!"

I nodded. "Yes sir!"

He gave me a glum look like he'd much rather be there in person.

Then the Doctor waved his hands. "Ask away."

He said this before the statement that provoked this response even escaped my lips. Not that I minded or anything.

I continued my line of questioning.

"You said I made a video that sent children jumping off bridges."

"More or less," he shrugged. "One could argue the parental influence was absent, but nobody forgot the little dog on the computer screen, and the hopelessly pessimistic things that it said."

I swallowed.

"Great," I said. "You made me feel guilty for something I haven't even done."

"Time loops are unstable. So I would advise against it. What happens if she gets pregnant and time suddenly returns to normal?"

I could feel my ears burning. "What?"

He frowned at the screen. "Sorry. That was another one you don't ask yet."

I blushed even deeper. I didn't even want to ask.

The Doctor cleared his throat. "_Haven't done yet_."

I shook my head, getting steadily more embarrassed. "Done what?"

"You said I `made you feel guilty for something you haven't even done,' to which I reply, `_haven't done yet_'."

Oh.

So that explained that.

Kind of.

"I still don't get it. If I caused so much death with...my video...why let me have control over such a powerful spaceship?"

"The deaths weren't your fault. It kind of was, but the real problem was merely giving up hope. Giving up on life."

He waved his hands as if to say, "Tadaah!"

"A man giving up on hope doesn't risk his life trying to safe a few thousand intelligent lifeforms from being blown to bits. Giving up on life, maybe, but from what I've heard, those were merely accidents. Already you are making an excellent time lord."

"How are you getting all this information? You're dead! The phone isn't everywhere!"

"From the spirit realm," he grinned, twirling his fingers mystically.

"Just kidding. Time traveler. Comes with the territory. Just had to hack a few cameras on the ship, read a few books..._from the future, _and I told you about the phone already. You more than anyone, should understand how that kind of prescience works."

Suddenly the cel phone started ringing. I picked it up.

"Hello?" a female voice said. "Mom?"

I frowned. "No?"

"You are _not_ taking a phone call in the middle of the most important conversation you'll ever have," the Doctor scolded, but I couldn't handle both things at once. She hadn't called me last time, so I thought it only fair.

I heard the start in her voice. "Who is this?"

"The...Doctor?" I managed to put a tone in my voice that said, "I'm puzzled that you don't know already."

The real Doctor smacked his face, looking embarrassed. He shook his head and disappeared from the monitor.

"Oh! That's right! Fabulous! Did you know there was a bunch of weird circuity stuff being hauled into room 109?"

I rolled my eyes. "I'm well aware of that."

"All right, Mr. Smarty Pants. What about the green frog thing in the egg?"

I frowned. "Frog in an egg?"

I glanced at the Doctor's little screen, but it now it only displayed snow.

"It's in the kitchen. Stuck on one of the counters. Nobody can seem to move it. People have just been working around it all day."

A chill ran down my back. If this was what I thought it was, the last thing I wanted to do was see it.

Still, it was in an egg. It was different.

I didn't want to see it, I _had_ to see it.

"Uh, sure," I said. "Be down in a minute." And I pocketed the toys again. This time, I left the slug inside its box, saving it for a time when I needed it for a distraction.

The thought of looking at this egg was more interesting than my usual plans, so I hurried downstairs to the banquet hall. I supposed the bar had a kitchen as well, but the one she referred to sounded busier.

I would have gone in and taken a look at the place before, but I had avoided it the last dozen times due to the fear of being arrested. In fact, when I tried to pass through the door this time, I got stopped by mole man.

"Excuse me, sir," he said. "Employees only."

A light bulb went off in my head, and I flashed my new ID badge, hoping and praying he wouldn't notice it was nothing but a temporary boarding pass.

His eyes widened. "I assure you, sir, our facilities are sanitary and Acsigci compliant."

I fought down a laugh. Why was this guy confusing me with a health inspector?

I decided to go with it. "I'd (ahem) like to see that for myself."

With a grimace, he showed me in the kitchen.

The room was disappointingly mundane for a spaceship. Stainless steel counters, refrigerators and cooking implements. Spotless tile floors. Of course, the chefs looked bizarre, some guy with a head like a cactus with a hair net covering his entire head, a guy with a face that looked like the Eureeka puppet from Eureeka's Castle, a bunch of magenta faced people and a praying mantis thing busily chopping those rhubarb things that bite you when you pick them up.

Flames leapt from skillets tossing inedible looking food.

I frowned as I watched a man with a muzzle of a Jack Russell terrier putting something that didn't look like beef, pork or chicken into a lasagne.

"There he is!" I heard Clara cry.

I looked up and saw her standing beside a large pink and black glowing transparent egg.

I shuddered as I saw what lay at the bottom.

It was one of those one eyed frog things, possibly one created by my scary bearded friend with the turtle mask. I stared at it in stunned silence.

What was this thing?

Was it really a naked Quark?

Was this Quark prison?

Or did the creepy guy trap it there like a bug in a jar?

In fact, did he himself create this little mutant and stick it in a jar as a punishment for a real or imagined insult?

"Doctor?" Clara asked, interrupting my train of thought.

"I've seen this before," I said.

I reached for the egg, but then stopped, putting on my glasses.

We were surrounded.

The egg had guardians standing protectively at each side, tentacles braced to attack in the event of threatening motions.

I looked back and saw another row of Quarks lurking along the tables, a couple, to my surprise, busying themselves with meal preparation, pouring in suspicious looking chemicals.

Maybe it was good I never got to eat at the buffet.

"What's wrong?" Clara asked.

I handed her the glasses. "See for yourself."


	38. Chapter 38: Plans

When Clara put on the polarized (whatever) glasses, she gasped and backed away from the counter.

"They're everywhere!"

"Pretty much," I said.

"W-what do we do?"

I shrugged. "Weren't you the Doctor's-" I stopped myself, suddenly remembering the lie. "You've...been with me...awhile. You got any ideas?"

She shot me a suspicious look. "That's normally your department." She paused. "Mostly. But ninety percent of the time, it's you."

"Um," I stammered. "Would you mind providing your ten percent?" And then thoughtfully I added, "Again?"

She shook her head. "I hope you recover from your regeneration amnesia soon."

"Me too," I said.

She took a deep breath. "I take it these things are all over the ship."

"Uh-huh."

"And what do they do?"

"They enslave. They're taking people off the ship to mine for ores."

Clara frowned. "Just like Daleks."

"No. Daleks are..."

When I attempted to describe Desiree, words failed me. Even if Clara weren't listening, words would fail me. The strange combination of attraction and revulsion, love and disgust, lust and nausea.

"They're nice," I said lamely.

She frowned. "I admit some of them are."

"Anyways," I said. "These Quark things are cruel slavemasters and they kill anyone who doesn't obey them."

I pointed to the egg. "That thing in there...I think it pilots the big ones. You see, they're like mechs. Uh, robots in Battletech."

Too geeky. My analogy yielded a blank look. "What's Battletech?"

"Never mind," I said. "What I mean is, they're robots that you, I mean, _they_ get inside and pilot." I silently cursed my verbal slip-up, hoping that Clara didn't come up with the idea of dropping me off at the scary bearded guy's place.

To my relief, she only replied, "That sounds like a Dalek."

"Maybe they're from the same family or something."

And then I waited for her ten percent.

"I've heard of Daleks being killed off by an artificially created disease."

"And how would we get one of those?"

She sighed. "I don't know."

I raised my eyebrows, looking at her hopefully.

"Is there some way we can blind them?"

Brilliant, I thought. How did the Doctor survive with sidekicks like these? "Do you see any eyes?"

"No."

I leaned on the counter.

"We could organize a revolt."

With help like this, I thought, it's amazing that the man didn't die more often. "No one on the ship would believe us."

"What if we set up some explosives?"

I thought about Desiree and what she might be doing at the moment. Only a few hours lay between us and total annihilation. "Someone is already working on that one."

She furrowed her brow. "What, they don't work?"

"Um," I stammered. "Actually, they work too well. She's planning to blow us all to pieces."

Her eyes widened. "Where is she!"

I just shook my head. "Don't worry about that. I'm...a Time Lord. Stopping her is going to be the easy part. What's hard is figuring out how to stop these Quarks."

"How about guns?"

I thought about the rustic old gun she shot me with earlier. Anything would be helpful.

"Do you have some?" I asked a little too eagerly.

She suddenly looked disgusted.

"What?"

"I'm mentioning violence and you're not disagreeing."

"Why would I?"

"I don't know," she said with disappointment clear on her face. "It seems you've forgotten everything that makes you who you are."

"He wouldn't even shoot a Dalek?"

She thought about it a moment. "Well, maybe then. Rarely. Of course bullets bounce off a Dalek anyway. For the most part, you avoid using guns."

"Well." I cleared my throat. "I'm glad you reminded me. My aim sucks anyway. Other ideas?"

"Doctor, I'm flattered that you suddenly value so much of my input, but..."

"Humor me," I blurted.

Groaning, she thought some more. "Can they be gassed? Frozen? Electrocuted?"

I laughed. "Great ideas. The person with the explosives tried an electric trap, but I guess it didn't help because she went back to the explosives idea."

"Is your pyrotechnics expert named Ace?"

I stared at her. "No?...It's Desiree. Why?"

Clara suddenly looked like she were trying to reconnect a lost circuit in her brain. Like she found Desiree familiar. "What happened when you tried it? The electricity?"

"Not sure," I said. "I accidentally tripped it and got a jolt. Not sure how to use it effectively."

"That regeneration severely damaged your brain," she muttered.

I was a bit insulted, but I swallowed my pride. "Yeah. It was rough. Everyone thought I was dead, they had a funeral, and I don't think my regeneration turned out right."

She slapped me.

"What was that for?" I cried.

"You're not the Doctor! You're just a fake! An impostor!"

"What would I have to gain from pulling off a charade like that?" I figured she'd never guess what my real motives were.

She opened her mouth, like something were on the tip of her tongue.

"What could I possibly get out of dying a hundred times to save a bunch of aliens?" I continued. This was mostly true, even if I actually wasn't the Doctor. "Why would anyone want to impersonate someone who does that on a regular basis?"

"You want the TARDIS," she said.

"I _have_ the TARDIS."

"You...want _me_."

I stared at her in disbelief.

Before I could express my bafflement, she said, "You've been stalking me all this time, and this is the only way you know how to get my attention."

I burst out laughing. "Seriously? You think I'm doing all this for _you_?"

I mentally slapped myself at my careless outburst. As much as I liked Desiree, she was not human and very insane. In fact, I had been considering Ms. Oswald as a possible alternative, though it was pretty much a pipe dream.

Still, no point in burning my bridges at both ends.

"Okay, so even if that might be a l_ittle bit true_," I blurted. "That still would be a ridiculous amount of effort just to..._win a girl's heart_." My first choice of phrases involved the word `pants,' but I thought it impolite.

"So I have to ask you again. Why would I put up an act like I'm the Doctor and make such huge sacrifices?"

She put a hand on my shoulder. "Because you're a good man."

I wanted to ask her if she meant she believed I was the Doctor or what, but I figured that would only make her suspicious. Instead I said, "Anyways, I'm kind of out of it, so my only motive right now is to convince someone, anyone, who knows what they're doing, to help me stop these Quarks."

"That must have been the worst regeneration possible," she frowned.

"The worst," I said.

And then she's slamming me face down on the counter. "Who are you really!"

Then she twists my arm painfully behind my back. I cried out in agony.

"What's your name! Where did you get his things! Where did the clothing come from!"

"Nick Brown!" I shouted. "I'm a scoutmaster from earth!"

And then I told her about the will and the TARDIS and the time bomb.

She didn't laugh or scoff at me or anything. Even the idea of the time loop didn't provoke any questions. I wasn't sure if it was due to her being used to such things, or if she were used to handling crazies.

When I explained Tayari's vault, she let go, staring at me in shock.

"Why did you lie to me?"

"I got tired of repeating myself over and over. It's simpler to tell a one sentence lie than an unbelievable truth that takes forever to explain."

"If I hadn't seen what you showed me just now, I'd handcuff you to a stove and leave you there."

We stared at each other in silence.

"First Mr. Pink, now Mr. Brown. Why is it I keep running into men named after colors?"

I stared at her in puzzlement. "What?"

"Nothing."

She turned and looked at the egg. "If the Doctor were here, he would try to negotiate with that thing."

Feeling foolish, I marched over there, staring at the green creature.

"I didn't say you had to do it!" she protested.

Ignoring her, I waved at the little beast. "Hi."

The creature's eye moved, but it didn't speak.

"You have a mouth," I persisted. "I know for a fact that you are capable of speech."

"What do you want?" it said.

"Um, how about not enslaving everyone on this ship?"

"Do you have a better method for extracting extremely delicate Xiaxzurb ores?"

"I admit your machines _are_ clumsy, but can't you invent something that does the job better?"

I thought I heard Clara muttering that I was just like the Doctor.

The frog mouth turned downwards. "Negative."

"What about using lasers?" I asked.

"What, and waste power?"

"I'd think capturing and enslaving dumb soft bodied aliens on a cruise ship would be a terrible waste of power."

"That's why you're next on the acquisition list."

"I'm not particularly strong myself."

"Or handsome," I heard Clara whisper.

"Perhaps. But Xiaxzurb is delicate. You will be adequate for the task."

I glanced back at Clara. "Did the Doctor ever make this negotiation stuff work?"

"Once or twice," she admitted. "Mostly it was for distraction purposes."

I smacked my face. "Wonderful."

"Disable the bomb," said the creature.

"What?" I said.

Apparently he had been listening the whole time.

"Disable the bomb!" it yelled.

"I can't!" I yelled back. "I've tried a dozen times!"

"Then...die!"

A Quark turned, touching Clara on the head.

I saw a flash, then Clara's whole body went limp.

For a moment, I thought the creature had made a mistake, or wanted to threaten me with a hostage before killing me, but then Clara straightened back up, opened her eyes, and snatched a butcher knife off the counter.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Brown," she said as she marched up to me. "But it's your time to die."

And she raised the knife.

I knew I should have lied about the bomb.


	39. Chapter 39: Allergies

I changed my mind about Desiree being a psycho. Pulling guns and knives on me was twice as psycho as suicidally setting off a giant explosive to save the universe.

Of course, Clara _was_ brainwashed.

At the first attempted stab, I jumped back, searching my brain for appropriate self defense techniques.

I had stopped attending karate years ago, once I'd received my brown belt, and hadn't practiced since.

The first thing that came to mind was a move called `The Knife,' which ironically referred to attacking an opponent with a knifehand chop rather than defense against a weapon.

I resorted to throwing a salad of pink polka dot lettuce in her face.

The `polarized' glasses dropped to the floor.

As I backed away, I bumped into a fat guy with a head like a catfish, who grumbled at me indignantly until I showed him my badge. The room, being so noisy with the sounds of running water, chopping, clanking and sizzling food, had apparently insulated him from our discussions and the talking frog thing.

The delay allowed Clara to close the gap and slash at me again.

Taking the badge out of my vest pocket reminded me of other things I had collected, and in seconds I had the little rectangular container open, flinging the yellow slug in her face.

Letting out a disgusted "Eeek," she backed away, dropping the weapon.

I watched hopefully as the thing curled around her ankle.

She froze, staring at her surroundings with frightened bewilderment. "W-what am I doing here?"

"Seriously?" I said.

She rolled her eyes. "Yes. _Seriously_. What am I doing here?"

"Uh, trying to kill me?"

I half expected her to reply "Don't mind if I do," but she only said, "Why would I do a thing like that? You're the Doctor!"

"That don't mean nothin'," I said.

Her strange facial expression seemed to indicate I was not speaking like the Doctor.

Not wanting to inspect another stainless steel countertop up close, I added, "You've been acting weird. I think the Quarks somehow got control over your mind."

Clara stared at me blankly. "What is a Quark?"

I picked up my glasses from the floor and wiped them off, handing them to her.

"Put these on," I said. "It'll explain everything."

She put them on, then gasped at what she saw. "They're everywhere!"

I sighed. This was like having a time loop inside of a time loop. "Yeah, yeah. They're everywhere, and they intend to enslave everyone in the ship, maybe the universe."

"W-what do we do?"

Groaning, I said, "That's what I've been trying to figure out. We don't have a disease to wipe them out, no one would believe us enough to start a revolt, and they have no eyes to blind. I doubt even electrical traps work at this point. I'm working on explosives with someone, but I would only use a bomb of that size as a last resort." I shook my head. "It's times like these when I am most tempted to use guns."

The young woman nodded. She had a look on her face like I had just read her mind, but it wasn't a surprised look. Maybe the Doctor did that sort of thing often. "I know what you mean. But you'll find a solution somehow, won't you?"

I shrugged. "I guess I'll have to."

I marched to the door.

"Wait! Where are you going?" Clara said. "Aren't you going to look at that egg?"

"I already did," I said. And when she gave me a skeptical frown, I pointed to my temple. "Time traveler."

She bought it. "Oh!" It reminded me of a Mentos commercial.

Grinning, I pushed open the double doors and stepped outside, intending to question Madame Vastra or whoever else was handy about the weaknesses of Quarks, and how to use a sonic screwdriver, but when I stepped past the buffet, three of the robot slavemasters appeared in front of me, blocking my passage.

One of them slapped me with a whip, and I felt my body numb and grow limp.

I collapsed on the floor.

Again I awoke in room 109, staring at the cone things and machinery.

I still had my things, but I still didn't know how to use a sonic screwdriver or anything, so it didn't make much of a difference.

I glared with annoyance as a hairy paw pulled me to my feet by my hair.

I didn't bother fighting back. There was no point. I was surrounded by the brainwashed and Quarks that had stopped being invisible.

Martial arts always teaches you to be the `bending reed' in order to find your enemy's weak spots and strike. For this reason, I thought it might be useful to pinpoint where every ore was, to do a really good job and please the slavemasters, so I walked myself out to the `job site', much to the surprise and alarm of everyone.

The usual slaves were already there, Jenny, Tayari, and even the boys, despite me preventing Joe's imprisonment.

I kept my mouth shut, my back straight, and `did my job,' uncovering about ten of those blue crystals. I soon learned to identify the rocks that contained them by sight.

There is something vaguely religious about an omnipotent entity forcing a person into an unwanted life full of back breaking menial labor against their will, but I was heartened by the thought that I faced a mortal enemy with exploitable weaknesses yet to be discovered.

Soon I was making suggestions on sites to start hitting next.

Harvey tired out and the Quarks killed him, but I ignored it and kept doing my job.

"Nick!" Joe cried. "Don't you care about anyone but yourself?"

"If I stop," I said. "They'll kill us too."

That shut him up.

He soon became fatigued and got killed as well. I felt like crying, but didn't.

While I was busy being a good little slave, Glynus and Jenny again pulled a stunt with explosives, getting mercilessly slaughtered in the process.

Somehow the Senator survived, and he joined me in breaking rocks.

"Hello, Doctor," he said. "Have you worked out a plan yet?"

In my best _Kung Fu_ impression, I said, "Be like reed, and bend with the wind."

"More like bend your back," he commented.

I cracked open another rock. "Other than being careless eaters, I really don't see any weaknesses."

"If only there were a way to kidnap one of them and see what their allergies were."

I frowned. I knew exactly how to pull that one off, but I didn't want to.

"If we could just get under their skin..."

With a sigh, I turned and slammed my pick into the head of one of the slavemasters.

They shot me to pieces, just as I expected.

When I awoke in the hallway again, I marched up to the entrance of the bar, then stopped.

Being in that frog body was the most horrible experience I've ever had in my life. It wasn't something I wanted to ever repeat, and yet all signs said that this was what I had to do.

I turned and walked to the pool, staring out the glass window, into space.

I just stood there, absently staring out at nothing, thinking about the frog thing, thinking about the Scouts and the other victims aboard the ship, thinking about those children I supposedly killed with a YouTube video.

What if I'm made into a frog and I'm stuck like that forever? What if that's how this time loop ends?

"Excuse me, sir," I heard a voice saying. "Is this your boy?"

It was Glynus, dragging Harvey up to me.

Unfortunately, Clara wasn't present.

"Yeah," I muttered, reaching into my pocket. "That's my boy."

My badge, of course, was gone.

Worse, I didn't have the key to Tayari's vault.

"This boy is a regular peeping Tom! Sticking his nose into places it doesn't belong! What's more, his passenger bracelet is phony."

"That's too bad," I said. "I'm really sorry."

"Sorry, ha!" he said. "Let me see yours."

"It's in my room," I said.

He frowned. "Then what's that around your wrist?"

Of course I ended up back in the brig again.

"Hello, Nick," Desiree said from the bunk. "Did you find anything new about the Quarks?"

"Not yet," I said, rolling my eyes.

"I believe you about the time bomb. But if we can't find a better way to stop them, it looks like our only solution."

_You already said that,_ I thought. Sighing, I said, "Just hold off on that bomb, would you? Give me an extra hour, at least. I'll think of something."

I really doubted I could get something together in an hour, but I wanted more time, just to have it.

"I've got some questions for you," I said. "What are the weaknesses of the Quarks? Do they have any vulnerabilities? Allergies? Does electricity really work?"

"You need a really powerful charge and a conductor," she said. "It's not easy. My attempt a few hours ago failed."

"What about allergies? Can we feed them something that poisons them?"

"I've only seen them eating ores," she said. "I wouldn't know what kind of allergies they might have. I never thought about it seriously." She sighed. "If only we had one that we could cut apart and study..."

I swallowed, dreading what that suggestion would entail. "That would definitely be interesting."

I did the usual thing to escape the cell, though I really had no intention of following Desiree around.

Once I reached her room, I sat down on her bed and let her go.

Being deprived of my toys was an inconvenience, so I hurried downstairs to the buffet, searching Tayari's table.

Unfortunately, it seemed the place had a bus boy, so the book and key was gone.

I decided I might as well search around, just in case, so I walked up to mole man, hoping he wouldn't know about my jail break and report me. "What happens to stuff that's on these tables when they clean up?"

"Why?" he said. "Lose something?"

I nodded. "A book. _Invention of Morel_. Seen it?"

He shrugged. "Check with lost and found."

"And where's that?"

"Down next to the security station."

Yeah, I thought. That would go over _real well_. "Thanks."

I pretended to go seek them out, but instead returned to the pool area, staring into space as I tried to figure out my next move.

Riversong was probably already possessed, Jenny, Harv and Joe were going to be slaves. Desiree was going to blow up the ship, and I was locked out of the only place that would give me any sort of answer.

My options were pretty much getting re-arrested, becoming a slave, or hanging around in the ship until Desiree blew me up.

Or...

I turned and hurriedly marched to the engine room.

After making sure the coast was clear, I darted inside the TARDIS, pushing the door shut to prevent another assassination, then began a thorough search of the premises. The first order of business was a search of the store room, once again, for sonic screwdrivers, guns and anything else of use I could find.

I did my search systematically, arranging the items in careful rows, essentially cleaning up until I could find each piece. The maid had not died after all, I decided. And if `she' could figure out what the hell was in here, `she' might save the universe.

I filled up an entire shelf with books and papers. There was a pile of fire blackened scrolls with Greek writing on them, maybe from the great library of Alexandria or some old museum, there was an antique looking book on alchemy, piles of letters, including one from a very irritated Martin Luther, and a newspaper with a headline reading "Dewey Wins." A pile of clay tablets didn't seem to belong there, but I arbitrarily classified them as `documents,' along with the microfilm, microfiche and magnetic tape I found.

Keeping in the theme of nonviolence Clara mentioned, I found no guns. I did, however, find swords, shields, blowdart guns, a javelin, bits of armor, and a crossbow. The crossbow looked promising, but I found no arrows. They were lost in the mess.

Clearing a shelf for sports equipment (the Doctor was a cricket and rugby fan, but he also had a leather football helmet and jerseys from the Allegheny Athletic Association and the Pittsburgh Steelers) I noticed a loud rumbling sound.

Odd.

I decided to get up and investigate.

I tugged on the main door, but it wouldn't open.

Recalling how Riversong had opened them before all this mess started, I flicked a lever on one side of the console, but all it did was make noises like an old car throwing a gear.

Deciding it was the wrong lever, I tried another one, and another, until the door at last flew open.

I gasped.

Instead of seeing an engine room, I saw a cloud of debris floating in space, including a number of dead bodies and obliterated Quark shells.

Well, I thought. _That_ solves the problem.

Of course, there's the pesky problem of everyone I cared for being dead...

For a long time, I just stared absently into the carnage, searching for Desiree, Jenny and the boys, wondering if my tiny little dog were even visible from this distance, or if I really wanted her to be visible.

Feeling like I'd just witnessed a holocaust, I staggered over to the TARDIS console, trying to figure out how to send myself back to earth, maybe before this whole thing started.

It was then that I remembered it had already been gutted by Riversong to make her teleportation devices, and by Desiree to make her bomb.

Damn.

What good was a TARDIS that can't go anywhere?

Still, I had to try.

Even if they had removed a T or a D from what this machine stood for, I hoped it still had some "Relative" left.

I spent two hours experimenting with the controls, but all I got were unpleasant noises, burning smells, and exploding showers of sparks.

At last I gave up, staring dismally at shattered remains of the spaceship drifting past the door.


	40. Chapter 40: Stranded

I was basically facing the astronaut's version of being stranded on the side of the road with a vandalized car, the proverbial battery and spark plugs stolen.

What now? I thought.

There really wasn't much _to do_. I was basically a space station rat.

When I first saw space out those doors, I wanted to see if it were really there, maybe tie a rope to something and `spelunk' out into the stars.

Now that I was more familiar with it, I didn't doubt what I was seeing, and would only spelunk out of being bored with life. Without a rope.

The thought _was_ tempting, but I still had a giant rat maze to explore before I headed down that path.

I supposed I could go bowling, or swim, maybe get plastered with whatever alcohol I could find.

Eating seemed like a good idea, so I made my way toward the kitchen.

As I passed the console, I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, a figure in a suit, leaning quietly against it, smirking at me.

It didn't register in my consciousness until it coughed, and I whirled around and stared at it.

A hologram, judging by his last appearance in the TARDIS.

"So you figured it out," the Doctor said. "The whole `TARDIS is indestructible' thing. Took you awhile."

"What," I said. "A way to save my own sorry ass while everyone around me dies?" I shook my head, staring at the console.

"How do you think I feel? You know how many people die while I'm off trying to save the universe? A lot!"

I just sighed.

"Yeah. It's heavy. Doesn't get much lighter when you're a pro."

"I let everyone down," I said. "A thousand deaths, all because I didn't stop the Quarks. Or my girlfriend."

I saw him trying to give me a playful tap, but his hand went through me. "See? I knew I picked the right person for the job!"

"Yay," I said, unenthused. "In case you can't see, the job's over."

"Oh?" He looked at his watch. "I wouldn't say that. Funny thing, time loops. They tend to keep coming back."

I gawked at him. "So it's still going to start all over?"

He nodded. "And you've got the best seat in the house."

"All right," I sighed, somewhat in relief. "We got time, apparently. Let's continue our conversation."

The Doctor gave me a look like he didn't know what I was talking about. "What conversation?"

But then he laughed. "I'm surprised you made the connection. I thought I was going to have to record another vault cam recording. A lot more frustrating, that equipment is."

"Why couldn't we have had this conversation here earlier?" I said. "I've been in here plenty of times."

"The walls have ears," he said. "Even now, but the listeners won't be alive again for another..." he peered at his watch. "Ten minutes."

"Tayari's room is more secure?"

"Have you ever been attacked by a Quark in that room?"

I stared at him. "No."

"The Senator is very clever at detecting and removing bugs. I'd remove them from here, but..." He stuck his hand through the console.

"Right," I said.

He checked his watch. "Seven minutes."

I started asking him other unanswered questions.

When I asked him Jenny's story, and what Strax was, he said I should ask them myself, reminding me that I was once a reporter for my high school newspaper.

My next burning question I knew he couldn't dodge so easily.

"What killed you?" I said. "Why are you dead? What happened? Nobody wants to tell me."

I paused. "And what's this stuff about a reactor? Couldn't you figure out the problems with the reactor and fix it in advance?"

He coughed. "It's not that simple. You see, there was an army of very bad creatures who planned to do something very bad to the entire universe, and I stopped them from melting down a reactor that would have destroyed whole planets."

"You said no one died," I said. "Everyone lived. How do you stop an entire army with no one dying?"

The Doctor smirked. "Very carefully."

I rolled my eyes.

"A little modification of their weapons. Sent Riversong back in time to switch them."

"And she couldn't save you?"

"You don't know how much of a task it was to switch them."

"Did you go everywhere in the universe to stop everyone from dying of everything, or were you just using a hyperbole?"

He cleared his throat. "To be perfectly accurate, I probably should have said `No one on planet Vohpabva died', which is a monumental achievement in and of itself, or that `No one in the universe died from the reactor core explosion,' also true. But of course my airways will be too obstructed for much eloquence."

"How do I stop the Quarks?" I asked.

"I don't know. You're me. What would _I_ do? As you can probably guess by now, I'm not going to be around forever. You need to start figuring things out on your own. Be your own time lord. Use your wits. Because when these videos are gone, that's all you'll have left."

"Gee thanks," I muttered.

The Doctor put his hand inside a dog puppet from my apartment, speaking in a low rumble as he puppeted. "If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself!"

He threw the puppet aside. "Rubbish. You were so apathetic you didn't even bother to change the words on that old cliche.

"But maybe you should apply it to our current situation, if it makes you feel any better. _Though_ I wouldn't discount Jenny and Riversong just yet."

"What are these `nasty things', you referred to?"

He shrugged. "Not important. You can ask anyone that question. It's common knowledge. Keep in mind I am going to die soon."

"Is it actually possible to stop this time bomb and the Quarks?"

"You wouldn't be here if it wasn't. Goodbye."

He disappeared.

All of a sudden, the space debris vanished, replaced by a view of the ship's engine room, now fully intact.

I blinked, and suddenly I was surrounded by three Quarks, threateningly waving their tentacles.

I turned to run, but they shot me.

when I awoke to find myself being shuffled back to the excavation site, I was sorely disappointed. I would have preferred if they just killed me.


	41. Chapter 41: Bibble Babble Bloop

I didn't feel like bending like a reed this time.

Instead, I ran at one of the Quarks, raising my pickaxe in an overhead swing.

The creature, being a `shoot first, ask questions later' type, immediately opened fire before I could get an attack in.

I awoke in the ship's corridor, contemplating my strategy.

Harv.

I needed to find out what happened to him and stop it from happening.

I liked that idea much better than undergoing unnecessary surgery at the hands of a madman.

And so I got up, chatted with Tayari and Desiree in the banquet hall, and waited for my fat friend.

"So," I said to my one eyed friend. "Pretend for a minute that we weren't fighting Quarks. What would you consider to be the most romantic way to spend the day?"

She blushed. "Seriously?"

I nodded. "Seriously."

"Well," she said. "I just barely met you, but I guess it won't matter much long, after the Quarks are done with us." She took a deep breath. "For once in my life, I'd like to dock at Rezisnak, and check into their resort. Mountain climbing, swimming under waterfalls, sunbathing, watching the planet Mafildan filling the entire sky, following Widcazi pilgrims as they light candles and march up into the mountains at night..."

"You sound like the athletic type," I smiled.

She grinned. "You know, _I might be_."

The boys entered, as usual.

The usual stuff occurred, me feigning concern as Joe again got his hands bitten by the buffet food, seemingly oblivious to the whole series of events that prevented him from getting involved in a drug plot.

I didn't bother getting anything to eat, I just sat with them, watched Joe insult his little alien girlfriend, and followed the boys as they once again checked out the arcade.

Bird kid, now free from his job as a drug pusher, behaved somewhat nicely, using a little device to illegally activate the arcade machines for them instead of threatening them or reporting them to security.

"I'm going to look for our room," Harvey said.

"We probably just spent eight hours asleep on the floor," Joe grumbled as he hacked at holographic foes with a sword shaped device. "And you want to sleep again?"

"I just want to check the place out. Look at the beds. See if we gots a TV or anything."

And then he muttered, "Plus it wasn't very comfortable on the floor."

I followed him out of the arcade and up the staircase. Harv didn't complain because he really didn't have that many friends.

"You know where our rooms are?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine."

Our bracelets did have numbers on them, and after some confused wandering past the elevators, ice machines, and weird vending devices, we came to a room a few short yards away from Tayari's suite.

A swipe of Harv's bracelet opened the door, revealing a fine looking place, with posh queen beds, elaborately carved dressers, and some beautiful looking framed space landscapes, one appearing to be a view of Saturn from Titan.

The suite was occupied.

Let's just say it was an adult situation.

A pair of aliens were on one of the beds, making out in their underwear. One of them was female looking, the flesh sticking out of her lingerie kind of reminding me of snakeskin and rabbit pelt. She had droopy ears like a Lhasa Apsa, and a humanoid hamster face.

The male-ish thing's head reminded me of a Cocker Spaniel, with the face of a half human iguana melded to a bull terrier.

A purple-gold robe and a black uniform had been carelessly tossed on the floor.

"Whoa," Harv gasped. "What the hell!"

I laughed. "C'mon. Let's get out of here."

The male broke away from his girlfriend, pulling a yellow gun-like weapon out from under the covers, pointing it at me.

"Not so fast," he said. "What are you doing here! How did you get in?"

I raised Harv's bracelet. "Sorry, wrong room."

His eyes narrowed. "Likely story." He gestured at me with the gun. "Shut the door."

I did.

"Look," I said, raising my hands in surrender. I was pretty sure he wasn't holding a toy. Harv copied me, raising his hands. "We were given bad bracelets and we were told this room was empty."

He frowned, clicking something on the weapon, probably the safety. "That is unfortunate."

"Why do you want to kill me?" I said. "What you do in here is your business."

"Yes it is," he said. And he blasted a hole in the door frame above my head.

"Whoa!" I cried. "Hey! What's the deal! If you're having an affair or something, I swear I won't tell. I don't even know who you are!"

The man stood up, slipping on a pair of black leggings with his tail. "I know you won't tell, because you'll be dead!"

The female grabbed his arm. "Salad. Wait. I believe him."

I had to fight down a giggle when I heard the man's name, but I supposed my name might be funny in another language.

My arms were getting tired of being held up. "Look, lady," I said. "I get it. You two were having fun, and I interrupted. I won't pass any judgments. I just want to go and pretend this little scene never happened."

"Is he serious?" Salad asked the female. "He really won't pass any judgments?"

"He said he doesn't know who we are," said the other as she wrapped herself in the robe. "Plus he _did_ say he wanted to pretend like this never happened."

"I got just the thing," the man smiled, digging a small needle-like device out of his pants pocket.

The object seemed..._oddly familiar_. _As if I had been in this room before_. _In this same situation_, even.

None of this sounded good.

If they intended to do what I thought they intended, I'd never be able to solve Harvey's problem because I would never remember what had transpired after I opened the cabin door.

Sadly, it might have already happened a few hundred times without my knowing it, or I wouldn't even know the danger.

"Wait," I blurted. "So what, now you're going to erase my memory or something?"

"That's the idea."

"But," I said. "I don't know anyone. I don't get it. Why is it so important for me not to know?

The lovers glanced at each other.

"You do not need to know," the male said.

"Salad," said the female. "If you're going to Wegxaq him anyway, it won't matter if we tell him."

Salad did not speak.

Sighing, she turned to me and said, "Are you not familiar with the Virgin Priestess of Joplawga?"

I chuckled a little. "I'm assuming you are..._not so much_?"

"I should kill you!" Salad growled, but the female, blushing, gave me a nod.

I snickered. "And why is it bad for me to know?...Other than the unfortunate job title. I mean, you're in love. I get it. It's nothing worth gossiping about."

They stared at me in shock.

"It's scandalous for an Oywismon to lose her _nurroghi_, especially to a Xegcutaz of the Qoganbo guard."

"I've heard of worse," I said. "I think maybe a marriage, maybe a little explanation to the..._flock_ or whatever, might do wonders for your reputation."

"You don't understand," said the priestess. "If they find out I am no longer _savusco_, I will be executed."

"Wow," I said. "That's kind of harsh."

I swallowed. "Look. Your secret's safe with me." As an afterthought, I added, "And my friend. We're not from around here, so we won't be spreading any kind of rumors. And if you need someone to hide you from your...executioners, I'll try my best to help you. I really don't want to cause anyone's death."

The woman responded by kissing me on the lips.

The unfortunate part of that beautiful gesture was the fact that Salad was jealous, and as soon as she pulled away, I got punched in the face so hard that I blacked out.

I woke on the floor outside the suite with blood dripping out my nose.

When I sat up, I found Harv waiting patiently by my side.

"It looks like our bracelets are fake," I muttered.

"Naw, you think?"

Noticing a lump in my vest pocket, I reached in and found a little stack of folded paper, money apparently, but nothing I recognized as such, and a little note in an artful curving script that read:

Thank you.

-Da

I showed it to Harvey. "Did that lady put this in my pocket?"

He suddenly froze up, muttering, "Bibble babble bloop."

"I guess that explains that," I said.

This yielded a blank stare. "Explains what?"

Well, I thought to myself. I suppose that solves Harv's problem in some fashion. At the very least, I knew what happened to him, and I'm a few..._Something's_ richer.

I brushed myself off, marching down to Tayari's room.

"Where you going?" Harv asked.

"I'm friends with a senator," I said. "Want to check out his crib?"

The boy shrugged, so I opened the door and let him in.

For a few minutes, he gawked at his surroundings, staring at the movie screen, pulling books out of the bookshelves and thumbing through them.

He gawked more when I opened the secret vault.

"I see you've brought a friend!" the Doctor said as the little screen activated. "Still trying to sort everything out?"

"I...think I've got it," I said. "I even think I know a solution to the Quark problem. But I don't like what I've come up with."

"I didn't think you would."

"What are you talking about?" Harv asked.

"This ship is full of deadly robots that intend to enslave everyone," the Doctor said. "Nick will explain it to you later."

I sighed, pocketing my toys. "I got a couple more questions, and I hope you got time to answer them."

He rolled his eyes. "Ask away."

"What are Daleks? I mean, I know what they look like, but what are they supposed to be?"

He was unimpressed. "Get an encyclopedia, preferably one printed around A.D. 3000."

"But how come there's one in a robot, but the other one is..." I fumbled over my next words.

The Doctor leaned close to the screen. "You have the hots for a human Dalek!"

I swallowed. "Um, no?"

"Yes, you do."

"No," I stammered.

"Yes, you do. You don't have to lie to a ghost. You think she's cute. Admit it."

I nodded, turning a bit red.

"And I thought _I_ was weird! You're disgusting." But he was laughing.

"It's okay. In the future, humans spread to every corner of the universe...and relationships get a little strange. Lack of other humans, long space voyages, that sort of thing. Still, _a human Dalek_." He made a retching sound.

Still blushing, I said, "Can you teach me how to use the TARDIS?"

"Ask Riversong," he said. "I'm not here."

"Why the fake bracelets? Why not give us real ones and keep us out of the brig?"

"Because I _wanted_ you in the brig. You never would have talked to Senator Tayari or your new girlfriend otherwise. And Tequidra, your friend from the arcade, plays a crucial part in stopping the Quarks, and you would have walked right past him had you not gotten arrested."

"And the dog bracelet?"

He held up the puppet. I never saw him pick it up from where he tossed it, but I figured it to be yet another camera trick.

"Irony. Seriously, that video. You are such a spoiled baby. Half the world doesn't even have electricity and you're whining about not being on TV. Yet."

"It's punishment for whining I haven't done yet?" I said with disbelief.

"I've studied you. It's a lifelong habit."

"Are you trying to make me happy you're dead? Because it's working."

"You asked, I told."

I tried another burning question. "When you jumped off that plane and into the glass dome thousands of feet below, that didn't kill you?"

"It did, but I regenerated. The pain was excruciating."

"Do you always go around nearly getting killed for this or that reason?"

"In not so many words. You can view the records in the TARDIS, though some of them may recurse back on themselves, so you should avoid reading entry H142 or you'll be in a worse time loop than this one."

"Oh...kay?"

When I asked for instructions on how to use my toys, he didn't want to tell me.

"So you've been to the signing of the Declaration of Independence?"

The Doctor nodded. "Benjamin..."

I waved at him in frustration, knowing he'd just given the response in another `recording.'

"Oh, so you get it. Where I did that thing earlier."

I nodded. "I'll just have to take your word on stuff like that."

He gave me a grandfatherly smile. "Exactly."

I rolled my eyes.

During the course of our conversation, Harv had been playing with the video machine.

Somewhere in the middle of this tinkering, he reset something, and I saw the vault closing up again.

"Goodbye," the Doctor said. "It's too bad this is our last communication."

"What!" I cried, but it was too late. After berating the boy for closing the vault, I reopened it and found only a screen full of static.

The Doctor was now officially gone forever.


	42. Chapter 42: Cassini Royale

My encounter with Salad and my little chat with the Doctor only took a total of twenty minutes or so, I figured. For this reason, I thought I could catch Riversong before she became a traitor, and find out what happened to make her that way.

Judging by what I saw happen to Clara, I could make an educated guess, but I still wanted to see what happened and maybe how to prevent it.

I told Harv to go back to the arcade and hurried downstairs, searching the likely places.

I found her drinking with Kirwan in Captain Salty's. The same drinks in the little glowing jugs. Nebwisu.

I took a seat next to them, watching with mild interest.

Muttering about his duties, the Mulgam staggered off, hiccuping his way to his place of duty.

Riversong offered me a jug. "Drink?"

With a shrug, I took a swig. It was smooth and honey textured, but tasted like broccoli.

A few seconds later, I fell on the floor.

When I awoke, I was lying in a beach chair, staring at the sun lamps. I had no idea how much time had elapsed.

I cursed my stupidity. Just inches from solving the problem with Riversong, and I get plastered instead.

I sat up, scanning my surroundings.

The horse thing was swimming, with Jenny nearby. Her scaly girlfriend was lazily warming her cold blood beneath the lamps, or maybe aiming for a tan. My associate with the hat, however, was gone.

"Have you seen Riversong?" I asked the Madame.

She pointed down the hallway. "She went to change clothes."

I stepped down the hallway, and, after walking a couple yards, I saw the hatch to engineering swing open, a jumpsuit clad figure marching stiffly out, hands full of mechanical devices, most likely taken from the TARDIS.

"Hey!" I cried.

She turned her head, giving me an evil smile as a pair of Quarks materialized behind her.

"Come with me," she said.

I tried to run, but found Quarks blocking my path.

Unlike the other times I had been captured, I had toys in my pockets. Determined to figure out the screwdriver thing, I whipped it out first, adjusting the rings to a setting I was pretty sure I hadn't tried before.

The device made no sound, but I could feel vibrations traveling through my body, giving me stomach cramps, and Riversong, doubled over, seemed similarly affected.

I moved the ring over a millimeter, and I discovered I could make a trapdoor on one of the Quarks slide open with the push of a button.

Seeing cannons inside, I quickly pushed it again.

Shrapnel exploded from the barrels. The panel blew outwards, metal bits raining down on the carpet.

I screamed as the searing chunks embedded themselves in my feet and my legs, but I was still alive.

I aimed the screwdriver at the other machine as its gun panel slid open, shutting it again, then hobbled my way to Riversong.

"What are you doing!" she yelled. "You'll ruin everything!"

Without a word, I pulled out the banana slug thing and threw it in her face.

She shrieked, then, when the thing was crawling away, she stood blankly staring at me.

"What am I doing here?" she asked.

Before I could answer, I felt my back being ripped apart by cannon fire.

When time started over, I noticed that Zanie's claws didn't poke me as uncomfortably on my left side as she licked me.

I discovered why when I set her on the floor.

I still had the `money.'

The toys were gone, though. What good was that?

I stood up, and suddenly a slot machine light came on in my head.

You know how gambling video games say `recreational use only'? That was pretty much the idea here. I'd say, with time repeating over and over again, my odds were damn good.

But I saw this as more than an amusement. If I could win enough money, I might be able to buy the ship out from under the Quarks, or at least purchase an army to fight them. Also, this was a circle of passengers I had been previously unacquainted with.

I never really bothered to look into the casino because I guessed it wouldn't accept my money, even if I still had my wallet with me, but now I looked at the place with new fascination.

The room had rows of flashy, glittery slots, oddly earthlike in their design, though the light up signs were in some unreadable alien language. I also saw four roulette tables, blackjack, craps and poker.

The first order of business was cashing some of the `bills' I had.

Surprisingly, they were an acceptable form of currency, and rather valuable ones at that, roughly fifty dollars American, though I could be wrong because I never tried to convert them. The casino money converters called them Valcapka, or `Vals'.

I tied up an entire row of slots, watching the wheels turn.

Chunk. Chunk. Chunk. Chunk.

I put one Val in each one, but only got a Val back.

Chunk. Chunk. Chunk. Chunk.

I had an option to select a row, but I kept it uniformly consistent.

Chunk. Chunk. Chunk. Chunk. Another `dollar.'

One of those crab creatures butted in on the slot at the end while I wasn't looking, winning one hundred Vals.

If my pitiful math skills were to be believed, I lost about sixty Vals, plus a hundred the crab took, and got back five. The process was mind numbingly dull, especially with me trying to keep all the slots on the same row every time, which made it hard to remember what happened where.

Still, I tried very hard, losing everything but twenty coins before the Quarks popped in and dragged me off to do mining again.

I neglected to get the toys, of course.

To very my execution, when I landed on that smelly mining planet, I ran away, this time making it to a rubble strewn rock shelf before getting shot to pieces.

Back to the starting point again. I marched off to the casino with my newfound wealth.

Even though my short term memory isn't good, I did manage to remember that the top frame on the row of slots didn't work the first round. I picked row two and immediately saw it pay out as a row of lemons earned me ten Vals.

Remembering how a middle machine got a Val back, I moved its pointer to the top, then lost money after that because I forgot what the other results were. The one thing I _could_ remember was the crab. The moment he (she? it?) appeared, I popped over to his machine and hit jackpot.

Basically, I was about eighty Vals ahead. Not bad, but it took too long, and I got tired of staring at the same machines over and over again. My unconscious began catching bits I'd remembered from last time, so I ended up with seventy when the Quarks took me away.

Why didn't I bring the sonic screwdriver with me? Because I had been trying to maximize my casino time, and I was beginning to view my escape attempts as sort of a game, like American Gladiators, except a lot more painful.

Instead of running to the same rock shelf, I ran in the opposite direction, and tried to run the deadly `obstacle course.'

After I died, I tried roulette. A much easier concept, since you can double as spectacularly as you want, more or less. Once I failed miserably for a dozen rounds, I repeated the numbers to myself, retrieved the stuff from Tayari's room, and tried my hand at blackjack.

I learned the rules the hard way. I was basically killing time.

The Quarks then killed me when I ran south through a rock basin on their precious mining site.

9, 2, house square, 10.

My stack of chips became a large haul as I put in double or nothing wagers, and a couple of Asiatic ladies, one with dolphin-like features, the other rather spider-like, with the exception of the dainty elephant's trunk, were latching onto my arms. Casino girls, judging by the looks of their clothing.

I didn't find them attractive, but, like Desiree, I supposed the attraction could be cultivated with a little effort. The short skirts were a passable start, but it only made me wonder where the human Daleks were, and how they'd look in such an outfit.

"Impressive," Spiderphant said.

"You really are quite lucky!" said the other. "Why don't you try another game for awhile?"

The undercurrent to this comment said, "We believe you are cheating, and will throw you out if you don't start losing money fast, or at least buy a lot of expensive drinks".

Agreeing to their suggestion, I sat down at the blackjack table, and ended up surprising even myself by beating all the hands.

The game, by nature being more intimate and visual, lent itself naturally to cheating. The first round would be won by the orange crab, who would fold in the next round. A curly haired human of indeterminate gender would beat the hands of everyone else at the table. The gray tentacled thing with no face would win the next round, get accused of cheating, and then, as he's leaving, a spotty skinned man with a mouse-like appearance would be caught illegally slipping cards in another player's pocket, revealing the gray thing's innocence.

Hold, draw, drop. The girls watched me in amazement.

While I busied myself raking in another mound of chips, I felt the girls move away and someone tap my shoulder.

I looked back and found myself flanked by a pair of faceless figures in black suits.

Inkblot patterns swirled on their otherwise blank visages, the blotches making the gesture "Come this way" in symbol.

Oh lovely, I thought. I'm officially bounced. "Guess it's time to cash in my chips, huh?"

Unsurprisingly, they didn't respond.

"They'll cash in your chips, all right," said the blue crab next to me. "For good! But that's only if you're _really_ lucky."

Uh-oh.


	43. Chapter 43: Jimmy Bagodonuts

I stood up and the faceless bouncers led me through the casino and up a narrow staircase to a small gray room containing banks of security monitors and what appeared to be a vault door. The room smelled of cigar smoke and alcohol, earthly compared to what the actual casino smelled like.

I guessed I was inside some hidden room disguised as a cabin, or a section of bulkheads that I'd been walking past for hours, days even, without noticing.

A cross between a woman and a frilled lizard watched one bank of monitors. The other lay vacant. A posh leather chair faced away from me, from which I could see smoke rising.

I stood there for what seemed like an eternity as someone with a gravelly voice muttered things into a microphone, and the other creature flicked camera views on and off.

A fat hand, glittering with jewelry, picked up a crystal glass full of brown liquid, which disappeared for a moment, then settled back on a nearby table a quarter less full.

The puffing smoke increased in speed, making the chair look like a strange locomotive.

The leather seat swung around, and I found myself staring at a fat bald Italian man with heavy jowls creased in a frown.

For a moment, he just stared at me, silently contemplative as he puffed on an expensive looking cigar.

"You're a lucky man, Mr. Brown," he at last said. "Not everyone would consistently bet double or nothing on eight roulette spots and rake in more than a thousand Vals, then beat the house at blackjack a minute later."

He smoked his cigar.

"Especially if he is a stowaway with no record in the ship database."

"Wait," I said. "How do you..."

"I make it my job to know things," the man said dismissively. "I noticed your bracelet is a forgery, which makes you not only a cheat but a stowaway too. I could just inform security and send you to the brig, but where's the fun in that?"

I frowned. "I'm sorry..." I stammered. "Who-"

"`Name's Lou," he said with some annoyance.

"Right. _Lou_. If you know so much, why am I up here?"

He leaned back in his chair. "I think we both know the answer to that one, Mr. Brown."

I shrugged. "I...cheated?"

He pointed a finger at me. "Bingo."

"You think I cheated," I said with disbelief.

"I liked the way you said it before. It's much more honest."

I shook my head. "What proof do you have?"

"I don't know," he growled. "How about just happening to place bets exactly where the ball would roll next, like you jumped forward in time and checked the numbers beforehand."

I swallowed hard, wondering what exactly this man knew, and what he didn't. It appeared the card game wasn't over yet, emotionally at least.

Telling the truth might not be the best idea, considering how unbelievable my story was, even to me, and how the guy might decide to throw me out an airlock. But I also wanted to know how much he knew, and what he didn't.

"I...just had a hunch about those numbers," I said.

"_Right_. And I was born yesterday in the cabin next door."

So there were cabins next door, I thought. It was what I had guessed. "You too?" I said, a little unwisely. I guess I was trying to distract him, but it didn't quite work.

He gave one of the blank faced guards a nod, and a fist slammed into my face.

"Mr. Brown," he said in a tone a professor would give students during a lecture. "Our cameras have the ability to observe and record everything happening on or around the Quadristar property."

It wasn't called Island Princess Casino after all. I hadn't noticed it before, due to all the flash and glitter, but the casino actually had its own name. In lights. Surrounded by a jillion other distracting lights. It was also on the cards and stationary where I changed my alien dollars to house coinage, but I had mostly ignored it as being some sort of irrelevant third party business.

"...And where our camera eyes do not see, our girls and staff do," Lou continued. "But our cameras showed nothing, and my staff gave no reports of cheating. You did not appear to be counting cards, as far as anyone could tell, and there weren't no slight of hand, either, as far as we could tell.

"We checked and double checked the roulette table for magnetic devices and similar cons. Nothing."

"So I'm free to go," I ventured.

Lou let out a short barking laugh. It sounded forced. "Not quite. You see, we have devices to scan for psionics. Do you know what a psionic is, Mr. Brown?"

I gave him a sheepish grin. "You mean like Professor X on X-Men?"

He snickered a little. "Looks like we've got ourselves an antiques dealer! A man after my own heart." But then he sighed. "I find it hard to believe that you're really that dumb, Mr. Brown. I think we both understand what I mean when I ask you if you know what psionics are."

"You should see my high school report card," I said. And then I got frustrated. "I mean, what do you want me to say? That psionics can use their minds to kill people with ball bearings and locate mutants anywhere in the world? That they make people's heads blow up? I don't get it." Realizing that came across a bit rude, I swallowed and said, "Sorry. I really don't understand. Humor me. Please."

"You're a comedian and an antiques dealer. Remind me to buy some movies from you." Lou steepled his fingers. "What I mean by psionics is people that cheat my games using mental powers. Just like Profesor X. The trouble is, our psionic snoopers didn't catch you using any of those either. Which leaves us with an interesting predicament.

"You know something I don't. That's bad. Especially when your little secret might cost me a lot of money.

"So here's the deal. You tell me how you cheated those games, or I'll break all your fingers."

"Fine," I sighed. "You want the truth? There's a time bomb. A literal time bomb with time machine components, and I got caught in its blast, so now I'm reliving the same day over and over again. Today I decided to try the casino."

Lou chuckled and shook his head. "I've seen that movie," he said. "And you're not in it."

He gave his goon a nod, and my left index finger was broken off at the joint. I screamed.


	44. Chapter 44: Finger Break

It wasn't my favorite index finger, but I still didn't like the sensation of someone pulling it back until it snapped off.

I told the truth, and it didn't work. What else was I supposed to do? Lie?

What lie could I possibly tell to get me out of this situation? What kind of lie would he actually believe?

I tried a couple. The best I could think of on such short notice.

When I told him I knew a guy who rigged the table, he said he screened them and they already checked the cameras. He broke my left middle finger for that one.

I suddenly understood why people during the Inquisition and Salem witch trials confessed to so many ridiculous and far fetched crimes. It was because people like Jimmy Bagodonuts here didn't accept the truth, and wanted the victim to spit out an answer that suited their own warped vision of reality.

Just like how a churchgoing seamstress at Salem, when faced with the threat of a scalding hot torture device up her crotch, might have `confessed' to flying around the village naked on a broom, so I, knowing I might lose another finger, continued to lie.

"I have a device," I lied. "It reads the imperfections of the table and tells me where the ball is most likely to stop."

"And where is that device now?" he said.

"I lost it," I fumbled.

"How very convenient," he sighed. "The trouble is, I checked the security cameras, and didn't once see you use any sort of device."

When he motioned to his thug to break another finger, I blurted another lie, telling him I had a power to see five minutes into the future, but when I couldn't repeat my "power" in front of him, he broke my ring finger.

"Bet you didn't see _that five minutes_, did you, pal?"

By now I was crying, tears pouring down my face, I was in so much pain.

"Want to try again?"

"Why can't you believe me when I say time is repeating?" I sobbed. "I wake up on the floor next to Captain Salty's, I see the same things every time, and then the ship blows up and I wake up on the floor again. I swear to God it's the truth."

Lou nodded to the thug, who grabbed the last finger on my left hand.

"Please don't," I blubbered. My nose was running from all the crying, but I didn't wipe it. "Please! I'm telling the truth! The last couple times I came in here, I lost. I memorized the numbers and came back after the Quarks killed me!"

Lou held up a hand before his thug could break my pinky.

He let go. It seemed I was spared.

The man looked at me like I were a bug in a jar, ready to be experimented upon.

"When I broke your first finger, I thought you were telling me a story. The next two lies you told me indicated you were a bad liar, and when the strain, when a person comes to a complete understanding of pain, they tend to start telling the truth. Anything, everything they can confess to make it stop hurting.

"At first, I thought you were testing me again, trying to see what lie I could reasonably accept, but you were crying, Mr. Brown. Sobbing like a little girl. This is how I know what you're saying is either genuine, or you are full on batshit crazy.

"I would have said the latter, had you not mentioned my good friends, the Quarks."

He snapped his fingers and a pair of the creatures materialized out of nowhere.

"Those are your friends," I said with skepticism.

"Yes. And it's odd that you know about such things."

"I know all about them," I said. "Break open rocks or die, they tell me."

The man looked trouble for a minute, then said, "It's a shame, too. You're going to have a real difficult time breaking them open with only one hand."

I glared at him. "What do you get out of them? Why do you want to help the Quarks?"

Lou touched his chest, nonverbally saying, "Me?"

And then he opened his mouth. "My pals here are going to make me the next president of the United States."

I gawked at him, not believing what I was hearing. "Can't you strong arm your way into the Oval Office like mob thugs have done in the past?"

"You must have been reading the wrong history books, my friend." He crossed his legs. "But you ain't far from the truth."

I blinked in puzzlement. "What?"

"Ever since the Bush election in 2010, one man with a computer has selected every president of the United States. Using the distraction of the so called `War on Terror,' the Quarks have been quietly infiltrating every level of the government, establishing a firm reign of control."

I didn't buy it. It sounded like Michael Moore and those paranoid wacko websites about 9-11 being an inside job. Of course, I liked the fingers of my right hand, so I didn't give full voice to this thought. "I like conspiracy as much as any man, but this is too much. I mean, Obama was the choice of the masses. He was the right race, he was democratic..."

"And the Quarks calculated this by monitoring public opinion and civil unrest. The goal was to pacify and subdue the populace, to distract them. Of course, they made sure he was a closet Republican, and not a hundred percent African American to subdue the senior citizens.

"The simple fact of the matter is, American democracy is an illusion, and the Quarks are in charge. Once they have enough materials, enough ores from this rock, we'll have enough power to go all the way, drop the charade, and make the country the nation of slaves it was intended to be."

He polished a nonexistant badge on his chest. "With me in charge."

I wasn't about to say something cheesy like, "You won't get away with this," since Hitler "got away with it" quite a bit. Instead I said, "So, what, you're going to turn all fifty states into prison camps?"

"Fifty four," he said.

My hands were throbbing with pain. I could feel them beginning to swell. "What?" I gasped.

"Fifty three states. Guatemala, Guam, Puerto Rico, Phillipines. What, did you flunk geology?"

I was about to laugh, but my hands still ached from the broken fingers.

"I prefer to call them labor camps," he continued. "Honestly, it's no different than working the line at Ford Motors or UPS. Back breaking work is back breaking work. I understand it. That's why I would be a proper advocate to the American people during this transitory time."

"Except nobody would have a choice in the matter," I said.

The man narrowed his eyes. "Let me ask you this, Mr. Brown. Do you vote?"

I shrugged. "Occasionally."

"Occasionally," he repeated. "What do you ordinarily vote on?"

"Uh, presidents?" I said. The pain was radiating from my fingers in unbearable waves.

"Very good. As stated previously, one man with a computer. To be precise, one Quark who can enter data on their secured mainframes. What else do you vote on?"

"Um, civic improvements sometimes, judges..."

"The computers that hold those are even less secure than the presidential ones. Tell me this. Do you study the judges? Do you know which one is more worthy to preside than the other?"

"No," I said.

He smiled like a cat that ate a canary. "That's part of the beauty of it. The only way you can know anything about the judges is if you work the legal system or you get arrested. If you are in the legal system, your vote gets thrown out. If you get arrested, or face the judge in some unfavorable legal proceeding, the Quarks see you, and they delete your vote as inconsequential. And since the majority of voters choose their judges randomly, local civic elections of this sort are done via random number generators with a leaning preference toward tenure. So it really doesn't count for very much."

"That's not right," I cried in disbelief. "I mean, they decide on the social security-disability of people I know..."

"After an attorney appeases them. A Quark appointed attorney that serves the judge. They basically pay for their own disability assistance.

"Appease the nation to make it weak, then knock down the borders and immigration laws, send in an invading force, then turn it into a slave country."

As my fingers throbbed and swelled like strange gloves, I stared at the man, trying to process the information.

Call me crazy, but a lot of what he was saying actually made sense.

"And you're going to rule," I said.

"Exactly."

"What about the captain? He wants to rule too."

"He'll get his rock. I'll get mine."

"I'd say you're nuts," I said. "But your story is vaguely plausible."

"So is yours," Lou smirked. "So is yours."

"Can I go?" I moaned.

"Not quite!" he said. "You see, if I'm hearing correctly, time keeps looping around for you, which means you can cheat the house as many times as you want and get away with it. Well, you're not going to get away with it. There has to be consequences."

The thug poised to break my remaining left finger, but Lou waved him away.

"I think I've had enough consequences," I moaned.

"Perhaps `consequences' isn't the word I want to use. Perhaps `bargain' would be a better term. You see, maybe I don't like the captain so much. Maybe I get tired of him giving him percentages of my profits all the time. Maybe I sweeten the deal for you and let you keep a portion of your winnings."

"Sure," I said. "Anything you say. Sir."

He scrunched up his face. "That sounded a little disingenuine to me." Don't ask me, he must have been using the Mob Dictionary or something. "So I got a little insurance policy, in case you don't do what I ask."

He flicked a button on a monitor, and I saw a picture of Harvey wrapped in the tentacles of a Quark, a knife-like blade pointed at his throat. The boy had Zanie clutched in his arms.

I swallowed, hoping this would all be over once time looped. "What do you want me to do?"

"I want Captain Gage out of the picture. Capische?"

I shook my head. "Who's going to pilot the ship?"

"A trained monkey can pilot the ship," he said. "Forget about it. Do we have a deal, or do I need to add the incentive of another broken finger to the mix?"

His strong arm seemed ready and eager to do so. He was hovering awfully close.

"Fine," I said. "I'll do it."

"The Captain is allergic to peanuts."

He nodded to the thug, who grabbed my left hand.

"Wait!" I cried. "I thought we-"

"Relax kid. you want those bones to set and heal properly, don't you?"

He brought out another crystal glass, pouring a drink into it. To my surprise, he offered it to me.

"Brandy. Good stuff. It's on the house."

The moment I accepted, the thug rebroke each of my fingers, leaving me a sobbing, blubbering mess. Even with the alcohol, which I frequently choked on and coughed up when the pain became too intense.

"There there," Lou said, patting me on the back as I wept.

He lifted my head, showing me the picture of Harvey, who still appeared to be safe and unharmed.

"See? I'm letting your friend go."

He muttered something into a small crystal, and the Quark released him.

Harvey ran away at a speed I thought impossible for a boy at his level of physical fitness, or lack thereof.

Lou spoke into a microphone, and a minute or so later, the female with the spider face came up bearing a small bag.

"Your winnings," he said. "Or rather, half of them. Five thousand Vals."

Even though I didn't want the damn money anymore, she set the bag down in my lap, giving me a polite bow.

"So you expect me to poison the guy with peanuts," I said.

"I suspect that's the easiest method," he agreed. "Unless your time loop can provide you with a better idea."

"I'll think of something," I sighed.

"I thought you might."

He waved me away. "You can go, Mr. Brown. I suggest you get someone to look at that hand."

Trembling, I got up, staggering to the stairs.

The money spilled on the floor, but I didn't bother to pick it up, even when the man mentioned it.

Shaky and weak with pain, I somehow shouldered my way past all the gamblers and found myself standing in the medical bay without being entirely sure how I got there.

The cat nun medic sucked in her breath as she saw my blue and purple fingers, whispering something like a prayer when she ran a device over them.

Then she made me lay my hand on a little glowing table, injecting something into my wrist.

My hand went completely numb, which was a blissful relief.

I watched with amazement, and some terror, as little glowing wormy things popped out of the table surface, wrapping around each finger.

My fingers flinched, hending at unnatural angles (though not nearly as unnatural as the thugs had bent them) and then the nurse took the table away, instructing me not to use my hand for an hour.

I sat down on a chair, staring at a wall as I tried to cope with the situation.

"Lucky you," said the girl in the bed. "It's going to take me half a day to heal mine."

"Sorry to hear that," I muttered, annoyed. Sure, she may have broken a few larger bones, but she didn't know anything about pain.

The cat nun muttered something about going to the little nun's room, stepping out.

A moment later, I saw Desiree marching in, dressed like a nurse, doing her usual looting.

"We keep bumping into each other," she said.

I smirked. "Seems that way."

"What happened this time?"

I raised my hand. "Jimmy Bagodonuts in the casino broke my fingers."

Desiree shook her head. "I had to ask."

"The Captain's allergic to peanuts," I said as I watched her open a cabinet and load her pockets.

She spun around and stared at me. "How did you-"

The human Dalek frowned. "Never mind. I don't know how I'd even put that in a syringe."

She grabbed a few more things and marched to the door.

Desiree stopped, giving me a concerned look.

"Get better," she said, and then she stepped out.

I hurried out after her, worried that I'd end up in the brig.

Inside the storage room, I sat down on the floor, leaning against a wall, staring absently at the one across from me as I pondered my problem.

How was I going to kill the captain when even Desiree needed to sneak through air vents and inject him with a shot to knock him out?

Was killing him even a good idea?

Stupid question, I told myself. I don't have to do anything.

All I have to do is wait for my death, and things will start all over again like they did before.

Things only changed when I made a monumental achievement, to solve my predicament.

Deciding I needed my hand to heal more than anything else, I marched over to Tayari's room, activated the cube containing _Wall-E_ with my good hand, watching a good three quarters of the film before everything exploded.

I awoke to someone shaking me.

"Nick," said the voice. "Wake up. Something's wrong."

I'll say! I thought. I'm supposed to wake up to a dog licking my face!

Was the time loop over?

Thank God for that!

I got shaken again.

"Nick! The children! They're gone!"

My eyes snapped open. "What!"

I sat up with a start.

That was when I noticed the red glittery bag with the casino logo, full of paper money. Someone had set it next to me, tied with a bow.

The bag had a little card attached, and when I used both hands to pull it off, I noticed my left hand was still throbbing.

The card was blank except for a generic complimentary statement in gray ink and one handwritten sentence:

_You know what you've got to do._


	45. Chapter 45: Mind Worm

My hands shook with rage as I glared at the message on the card. My good right hand clenched in a fist, crumpling the paperboard.

Riversong stared at me. "What is that?"

"A threat," I growled. "The bastard casino owner wants me to kill the captain, or he'll kill Joe and Harvey."

She looked puzzled, skeptical even. "The owner? Of the casino here?"

I nodded, rubbing my sore hand.

"But why? Why would someone do that to you? We just arrived here. What could he possibly have to gain from you?"

Could. Would. Possibly. I noted that she hadn't said anything that indicated she believed me.

"I cheated at cards," I said. Not quite a lie, I suppose.

Riversong frowned as she looked in the bag. "I guess that explains this."

She closed it. "Did you try giving the money back?"

I rolled my eyes. "You think I'd be in this mess if it were that simple?"

She still didn't get it. "Not to be callous, but why didn't he just kill you and save the trouble? I mean, look at you. You're a wimp. Why would anyone believe you could assassinate anyone?"

"He knows I'm a time traveler," I said.

We stared at each other. Riversong's jaw was hanging wide open.

"You know how to operate the TARDIS," she said.

I shook my head in response.

"Then how...?"

"You won't believe me," I said.

She smirked. "Try me."

And so I told her the whole story about the time loop.

Well, the important parts, anyway.

To my surprise, she didn't laugh.

Okay, maybe she did laugh once or twice, but only at my idiotic antics.

When I finished my tale, she rubbed her face in frustration, muttering, "Not again!"

I grimaced. "What do you mean, `not again?' You've faced a time bomb before?"

"No," she sighed. "But this isn't the first time instability I've been through."

"What am I going to do?" I said. "This guy obviously knows something, and he's managed to defeat the time loop enough to put our lives in danger."

Jenny had been quietly listening to us the whole time. She had only been feigning sleep. "Technically, _you_ put all our lives in danger, but it's a moot point."

"But what do I do?" I cried. "I can't just stomp up to the bridge and murder a man in cold blood!"

"Agreed," said Riversong. "What we require right now may be a visit to the casino."

I expected to see Harv standing in the doorway with a knife at his throat, just like the camera image I saw, but I didn't see him anywhere. Instead I only saw a sea of weird creatures engrossed in various betting activities.

Riversong searched the crowd of multicolored faces, shuffling around the busy craps table. "Where is this `Lou' you've been telling us about?"

I pointed to the door with the staircase.

The door was closed, and flanked by the two faceless goons. Riversong marched up to them, staring at their blank expressionless features.

They had no mouths, so a pair of swirling question marks was the best they could manage.

"We're here to see the boss," she said. "We have some business to attend to."

For a moment, the guards just froze. Then they both set about typing something on their little wristwatches.

Hand symbols appeared on their faces, indicating that we should wait.

They checked their watches again, then glanced at each other. They opened the door, their face arrows pointing us inside.

The fat man was seated in his usual spot, rocking in his leather chair, crystal goblet full of alcohol in one hand, watching expectantly as we stepped into the room.

He appeared to be alone, except for his video assistant.

Riversong glared at him. "Where are the boys!"

Lou just chuckled. "Why? Feeling lonely, toots?"

Speechless at the man's audacity, the woman's face turned pink, then scarlet.

The man took out a notepad. "What's your room number, babe? I'll hook you up."

He played dumb quite well. But when his gaze briefly met mine, I could tell it was all an act. The look on his face said, _I own you._

"Boy Scouts," Riversong snapped. "Roughly twelve years old. One skinny with glasses. One fat and African looking. Where are they?"

Lou set down the notepad and gave her a shrug. "Haven't seen them."

I glared at him, but he only responded with an expression that said, _You want to play games? I can play games._

Riversong scowled. "Are you sure. Because, according to what I've heard, you're holding them both hostage."

"Then you've heard wrong," he said. "It's not really my style."

"No?" I said. "And what about breaking people's fingers and threatening people's friends when they don't murder the ship's captain in cold blood?"

"Not ringing any bells," he laughed. "But it sounds like a _terrific idea_. _Wish I thought of it_."

He took a swig of his liquor, staring at our indignant faces. To me, he was nonverbally saying, _What, do I need to put the gun in your hand and pull the trigger myself?_

"You'd think, if I'd done something like that, I would have remembered it, wouldn't you think?"

The two women stared at me.

I just gave them a look like, "What did you expect?"

They turned their attention back to Lou.

"Where's your evidence?" he said. "What makes you so certain that I even have your little ragamuffins?" But the look on his face said, _Oh, I got `em all right. And you ain't getting them back unless you play by my rules._

Admittedly, I had nothing to substantiate my claim but a crumpled card and some money.

"How's this?" I said, holding out the card. "My friends disappear, and in their place, I find this!"

He asked to see the card, recognized it as one of his, but he raised his hands innocently. "That could have been from anyone in the casino."

_Kid, don't make me laugh._

"Then we have a right to look at the security footage," Riversong said calmly.

"No, you certainly do not!" Lou said. "You are guests, not security agents. Now unless you can produce a badge, I am a very busy man. You'll have to excuse me..." And he made dismissive shooing motions, turning in his chair.

In a flash, Jenny knocked the man against a desk, pinning his arms painfully behind his back.

"How's that!" she hissed in his ear. "Ringing any bells yet?"

The man chuckled. "You know, I've always been partial to bondage-"

Jenny responded by twisting his arm backwards until he screamed. "Where are the Boy Scouts!" she shouted.

"What! Are you all crazy? What part of I don't know what the hell you're talking about don't you understand!"

Suddenly, my dog materialized out of thin air, running up to me.

"Zanie!" I cried, grabbing her.

_Damn. _I read that from the man's face perfectly.

I looked up at the spot my dog had materialized from just in time to see a Quark poised with a blade at Harvey's neck, its tentacles immobilizing him from movement.

Dropping his act, and the nonverbal games, Lou clapped, and Joe appeared next to him, also immobilized and in peril.

The casino boss clicked his tongue, directing Jenny and Riversong's attention that way.

"There! See, your Boy Scouts. Happy?"

Jenny twisted his arm. "Let them go!"

He laughed. "Say please."

She bent his arm further. "Please!"

Lou shook his head, making scolding tsk noises.

"Let me tell you something about Quarks. You think you're pretty fast, tackling a fat man against his own desk and bending his arm, but a Quark is a different animal.

"You may think you're hot, sprinting across the room, doing your little ninja bit, trying to be clever, but while you entertain us with all those dramatics, a Quark is already armed and aiming his gun. And not only aiming, he's firing. Right at your temple. So while you were playing games, holding me in this painful arm lock, my friends already sighted you."

Jenny screamed as a Quark fired a single shot into her leg. She collapsed on the floor.

Zanie let out low growls, barking at the man.

Lou rubbed his hands together. "Now that we're done screwing around, your friend still has a ship captain to rub out. You can keep the dog, though. It annoys the hell out of me."

Jenny staggered to her feet, clutching her wounded leg. When she met my gaze, her face seemed to be asking if we should make a stand and die fighting.

Riversong, the more reasonable and passive type, seemed to be telegraphing a request for strategic retreat, and the prisoners just wanted to be released without anyone hurting them.

I saw a shimmer in the air, and two more faceless bodyguards materialized. "In case you get any more funny ideas," the man explained.

"Fine," I sighed. "We'll do what you say."

"Good!" The man clapped his hands. "I hate to get blood on my carpet. I knew you'd see reason eventually."

We allowed ourselves to be escorted to the stairs, me with Zanie in my arms.

"Wait," Lou called as we descended. "Let me sweeten the deal."

We spun around to face him, none of us expecting good to come out of this.

"The blonde and the dominatrix. Like what I see. I even like a bit of pain now and then. Tell you what. Give me a little performance, I show you around my love nest, we _get to know each other_, and maybe I let one of your friends go."

"She's a lesbian," Riversong said.

The man shrugged indifferently. "I'm not prejudiced. You can do whatever you want with her, as long as it entertains me." And then he said, "Do you go both ways?"

"Not with you," she growled.

"Oooh! I like it! You can make that part of the act!"

"Can I please kill him?" Jenny said.

"Believe me, I'm working on it," Riversong replied.

We all hurried down the stairs.

"Let me know if you change your minds!" the man called. "My offer remains open!" And then he laughed at us.

"Now what," Jenny groaned.

"We need to get out of this casino," I said. "He's watching us."

We hurried a few yards down the hallway. Riversong pointed her sonic screwdriver at a monitoring device on the wall, causing it to spark.

"Okay. Plans."

Zanie licked my face. We weren't going to get any plans from her anytime soon!

"Other than getting this bullet wound treated?" Jenny said.

"The medic's upstairs," I said. "Look. The captain _is_ a nut. He's in with those crazy Quark things, but he has different goals, and apparently different Quarks, and Lou wants him out of the way. Of course, I'd be much happier if _Lou_ were out of the way. At least the captain doesn't have plans for world domination."

"Why don't you just go up to the captain and warn him?"

I shook my head. "He'd probably kill Joe and Harv the moment I try."

Zanie kept wiggling in my arms, so I set her down to run loose. She probably would live longer that way, anyway.

"Can't we just fake his death?" Jenny asked.

I frowned. "How would that even work?"

"We find a neurotoxin that stops his heart a few minutes."

"Do you have such a thing?" I asked.

Riversong nodded. "I...think I can find such a thing, yes."

"The Janice Thorn," Jenny agreed.

"It's no use," I groaned. "Even if we didn't have another time loop, he'd probably just shoot the captain's body out an airlock, just to be on the safe side. If we could only make the man forget..."

Then it hit me. "That's it!"

I ran to the banquet hall.

Of course, the senator was gone.

"Problem?" Riversong said as she caught up with me. Jenny had not come along, due to a very necessary visit to the onboard hospital.

"Senator Tayari has a key inside his book, which is now down in the security room, which means we can't get to it without ending up in the brig."

She understood the first part because I told her about the fake bracelets. "What do you need the key for?"

So I explained the problem with Tayari's safe.

Riversong twirled her sonic screwdriver. "I believe this will help."

And so it did. We got into the room okay, and when I revealed the safe, she twisted something on the screwdriver, pushed a button, and bypassed the card lock.

She recognized the slug right away. "A mind worm! That's perfect!"

She pointed at another object. "A yo-yo from his fourth regeneration!"

The woman stared in amazement at the tools, briefly explaining each device.

"How did you find out about this?" she asked, but before I could reply, she said, "Time loop. Right."

I loaded my pockets, and we hurried back out, marching to the stairs just in time to catch Jenny limping out of the medical bay with a bandaged leg.

"Got a plan?" she said.

"We have," Riversong grinned. "See any rubber gloves in there?"

Jenny popped in and grabbed some.

Hearing a metallic thumping sound, I looked up to see a cyclopean face peering down at me through the vent cover. I'd never had the opportunity to view her from this vantage point before.

I smiled and waved.

"What are you doing?" she hissed.

"Trying to stop the casino guy and some Quarks from killing my friends! Feel free to help!"

I was careful not to be specific or `Jimmy' would figure out our plan.

We hurried down the stairs to the corridor outside the casino, the one with the broken security feature.

Riversong halted me before I could go further. "Mindworm please?"

Figuring she knew best anyway, I handed it over.

"Stay here," she said, stuffing the contained creature into her blouse.

"Those are my friends," I said. "Why can't I come along?"

Riversong sighed. "We're pretending to take him up on his offer. He wants two girls. Giving a performance. That's the only way this is going to work."

I gawked at her. "You're not seriously..."

Riversong frowned. "What do you think."

Jenny smiled. "_Maybe a little_ seriously."

Riversong only looked disgusted. "I'll pretend you didn't say that."

"Uh, fine," I stammered. "I guess I'll just stay here, then. Good luck."

And the two disappeared into the casino.

A few minutes later, Zanie came scampering up to me, pawing and nosing into my leg. I petted her, slouching to the floor.

Not too long afterwards, my body was engulfed in flame and ship fragments. Desiree had done her work again.

When I awoke to the time loop once again, I found nothing changed from the last time I woke up. The boys were still missing, and I still had a bag of money next to me, complete with attached card.

I thought everything was the same until I opened the card.

A photograph fell out, showing Joe strapped to a table, with a giant needle thing poking into his skull.

This time the handwritten note said, "Nice try."

When I opened the bag, I found a severed gray paw inside.


	46. Chapter 46: Assassination

There was no mistake. The paw inside the bag belonged to my dog. The fur was matted, the little toes red from constant chewing. The box from the psychic leash, tucked alongside the pile of money, was like a slap to the face, like someone was flaunting the fact they dismembered my dog.

And the photograph.

Now I was ready to murder in cold blood.

Of course, the captain wasn't on the top of my hit list.

Riversong knelt on the floor, staring at me. "It didn't work, did it?"

I blinked, suddenly remembering what she told me when she was shaking me awake a minute ago. Instead of saying "Where are the kids" or "where are the boys," she had said, "They're still gone."

I shook my head and sighed. "At least our conversations are becoming more intelligent."

She frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing against you," I said. "But we're in a time loop, and I get tired of people talking like a broken record."

She nodded, accepting the explanation.

"It should have worked," Jenny said, caressing Riversong's shoulder. "You were _very convincing._"

Riversong visibly shuddered, brushing her off. "It was an act, dear. I'm not interested."

Jenny snorted, sinking back on the floor. "Could have fooled me."

"Should I even ask?" I said.

Riversong shook her head, but then sighed. "We gave the man a show. Distracted him. When we got close, I threw the mind worm in his face. But we forgot about his bodyguards. When we incapacitated the men with no faces, the Quarks killed your friends, then us when we retaliated."

"I knew I should have come along," I groaned.

"What's done is done," she said.

I furrowed my brow. "You get shot to pieces and you're still alive and talking, yet my dog is walking around with a missing foot."

"What?"

I pushed the bag over to her, and she opened it.

"God. What a sick bastard."

"That's not the half of it." I showed her the photograph.

"That's...not good."

"No it's not. But it begs the question. Why aren't you full of bullets right now?"

"Time loop," she said.

"Yes, but-"

She waved away my objection. "The man obviously remembers what we did somehow, and so he decides to progress to torturing small animals."

"I knew we should have killed him," Jenny said.

Riversong turned and looked back. "How is your leg?"

"It's fine," Jenny said. "It appears I have been unshot."

"Good." Riversong rested her chin on her fists. "How did he evade the mind worm?" she muttered. "How?"

"He wasn't alone," I suggested. "Maybe he asked his friends what he forgot?"

She nodded. "That has to be it."

"They must have told him fast," I said. "The place blew up just seconds after you did all that."

"We _were_ fast," Jenny said. "Maybe he doesn't know as much as we think he does?"

"Perhaps he only heard `they wiped your memory' before the place went up."

"I sure hope so," I said.

I stood up, stomping down the corridor.

"Where are you going?" Riversong called.

I kept walking. "To enlist the aid of a Dalek."

I found Desiree at her usual table, and she still seemed to view me as a friendly acquaintance, which I considered to be a good sign.

I seated myself across from her, gazing into her eye.

When she smiled, I became fully convinced that I loved her, which was a shame, considering the burden I intended to lay on her.

"Hi," I stammered nervously.

"Hi," she giggled.

She probably thought I had a case of romantic jitters. It made me feel bad, because I knew I'd soon be disappointing her.

"I have to apologize in advance," I said. "This isn't a social visit."

Desiree chuckled. "Seems to be a recurring theme. But I'll take what I can get."

I smiled. "I need your help."

Then I lowered my voice. "I need you to help me kill somebody."

Her eye widened. "Is this a joke?"

I pushed the photograph and the money bag across the table. "Does this look like a joke?"

She stared at the picture. "This is your friend. Why do you want me to kill him?"

"No no no!" I groaned. "This is what my enemy is threatening me with!"

Desiree took the paw out, examining it. Not squeamish, that one.

"This belongs to your dog, doesn't it?"

I nodded.

She put it back in the bag. "Who did this?"

"Lou the casino owner."

She frowned. "I'm not an assassin, Nick. You can't just come up to me and ask me to exterminate someone."

"He's going to kill the boys if I don't kill the captain. You've got to do _something_!"

Her flippers traced around the image in the photograph. "Blocker is too heavily guarded. What we really need is an extraction strategy."

I shook my head. "He seems to have eyes all over the ship. Even if we rescue him, _Blocker _might see it, and after you blow up your little time bomb, I could end up with Joe's severed head int hat bag instead of Zanie."

Her mouth fell open in surprise. "The bomb has time components?"

I nodded violently. "I thought you already knew that."

She looked at me like she didn't.

"Thanks to you, I keep waking up on the hallway floor, and everything's the same. Well, except for Lou, who seems to be escalating his threats every time I screw with him."

"He knows about the bomb," she said quietly.

"More or less."

"Is that our Dalek?"

I looked up and saw Riversong and Jenny standing over the table.

"Yeah," I muttered.

"She's cute," Jenny chuckled. "I think you make a sweet couple."

Desiree turned red. "What did you tell them!"

I shrugged. "Maybe a few things you don't remember, and maybe you're my girlfriend."

For a moment, she looked angry, but then she gave the two women a sideways glance, lowering her voice. "And what things do I not remember?"

"I'm not sure that's for prying ears."

She blushed deeper. "I don't know whether to be flattered or slap you across the face."

"Do both," said Jenny. "It's fun."

Desiree laughed, poising her flipper as if to do so, but Riversong interrupted our little game by sliding into my seat and clearing her throat. "I believe my associate has a problem."

The human Dalek nodded. "And I was just explaining my problem with his problem. I'm sorry about your dog, but you're not Dalek Command. You can't just bark exterminate and expect me to do it."

"How is that different from killing everyone with a giant bomb?"

"The bomb targets the Quarks. To destroy all the Quarks at once. I'm not going down, room by room, and exterminating innocents."

"You're splitting hairs," Jenny said. "Blowing up that bomb is not any different than killing everyone individually."

"Not to me!" Desiree shouted.

"What, because it makes you feel better not seeing each and every one of them die?"

Tears rolled down Desiree's cheeks. "You don't understand. I don't want this. But the Quarks...they're going to spread across the whole galaxy and enslave everyone if I don't stop them!"

And then she locked Riversong in the eyes. 'Wait. I recognize you. You're the Doctor's wife, aren't you?"

"I might be," she said slowly. "Why."

"Didn't that man ever teach you anything? Do no harm? That kind of thing?"

"He hated guns," Jenny agreed.

Riversong shook her head. "I didn't say you should kill anyone, dearie, I was only pointing out..."

"What!" Desiree snapped. "Once a Dalek, always a Dalek? Is that what you mean!"

I sighed. "As we were discussing before you two arrived, there's a chance that if we try to rescue Joe and Harvey, it might actually make things worse. If you have a better idea, I'd love to hear it, but until then..."

We sat in silence for a moment.

"What if we knock the captain out?" Desiree said.

"He'll shoot him out an airlock," Riversong said. "I already asked."

"Still," I said. "You were planning to do something similar anyway..."

Desiree looked shocked that I knew, but she apparently understood why, for she only nodded. "The captain is an evil man," she said. "I didn't exactly plan to shoot him out an airlock, but I did plan to place him with me at the epicenter of the blast."

"He's not nearly as evil as the creep in the casino," I said.

"Still, he must not be the most powerful player if he's trying to get the captain out of the way."

I had to agree with that, but the captain never really made it a point to hurt me or my friends. "That doesn't mean we should knock off a Stalin to let a Hitler step in."

"Would you prefer the simultaneous rule of both tyrants?"

I frowned. "Fine. Whatever. If you want to kill, I mean _target him_, go ahead. You'll at least save two boys, maybe my three footed dog. But can you bring him down to the casino this time?"

Her eye narrowed. "What do you mean, _this time_?"

"That's one of the things you don't remember."

"Oh," she said. "I was hoping that meant something else."

Now I was blushing. "Let's just say you forgot a lot of other things too."

"Including the things he made up," Riversong joked.

Desiree laughed.

"I guess beggars can't be choosers," I said. "If we can only solve the problem by handing the captain over to a man who may possibly kill him, I guess that's what we're going to have to do."

"Is this what the Doctor would do?" Jenny asked.

"On occasion," Riversong muttered. "He was big on leaving an enemy's fate to the universe."

"It's settled then," I said. "We'll bring down the captain wrapped in a big bow."

I gazed into my weird girlfriend's single eye. "I'd ask you what your plan is, but I'm pretty sure it involves you getting thrown into the brig. What did you do?"

She shrugged. "Why are you asking me? I don't even know what will happen yet. The brig isn't on my To Do list."

I sighed. "Somewhere in the future, you get caught for being a stowaway. What were you planning to do? Were you going to sneak some food or something?"

Desiree shook her head. "I and Ajani are friends. She wouldn't turn me in." She rested her chin in her palm for a moment, then looked away. "There is one thing, though. There is a ship docked on the exterior of this vessel, and no one seems to know what it is. I suspect it is being used as a Quark transport. I _did_ want to go down to the dock and investigate the matter..."

"They don't need a ship," I said. "They've set up a...molecular transporter or something in one of the rooms." 

"You mean that transmat I'm supposed to build?" Riversong asked.

"Yeah," I muttered.

"All the more reason I want to investigate that ship."

"Fine," I said. "But let me go first. You're going to get caught."

She laughed. "And you won't?"

"Maybe," I said.

"If you're so superior in stealth, why even ask me for assistance?"

"I admit you're vastly superior in a lot of different things, but, well, I think you must have gotten too bold with this one. Whatever you did last time, it needs to be more cautious."

She looked skeptical. "I'm always cautious."

Sighing, I said, "I don't know. All I know is, something went wrong, and you got thrown into the brig somehow. So instead of doing..._whatever it was_, I'm only going to do recon, nothing fancy. Hang around the airlock until someone shows up. That's it."

"But what if that's the same thing I did?" she protested. "How do you know I didn't just wait around the airlock and watch who came in?"

I frowned. "I kind of doubt it, but If that's the case, I'm the main one who's been experiencing this time loop, so the next time your bomb detonates, I'll have a better plan."

"Speaking of which," Riversong said. "I thought we had a time limit."

"Based solely on my girlfriend not blowing us to kingdom come," I replied. "It'll be fine."

"Girlfriend?" Desiree sputtered, her face changing color. "Really?"

I just shrugged.

"You know, for my alleged boyfriend, you sure are doing a lousy job at making me feel special."

"Sorry," I said. "I _did_ say you were superior to me in every way, didn't I?"

She grinned. "It's a start."

Jenny chuckled. "I said you'd make a cute couple."

I gave Desiree a smile, but I had to return conversation back to business. "How many ships are docked on this thing? Just one?"

"Yes," she said. "They normally get flown away and parked by valet attendants. I hear the fees are ridiculous." She paused. "Okay, so there's another ship, but I stowed away on that one, so I know it only contains cosmetics supplies."

"Some complexions can't be helped," Jenny joked with a shake of her head.

Desiree glared at her.

Noting the icy silence, I said, "You're fine just the way you are."

"He's just saying that because he's desperate," Jenny said.

Desiree just smiled. "I like desperate."

Riversong cleared her throat.

"Well," I said. "This shouldn't be too complicated, then. I'll just wait outside the dock and see who shows up, and after that, we'll figure out what to do with the captain."

I gazed at the Dalek, but now she seemed to be all business. That was good and bad.

"Just for clarification, do we have an understanding?" I asked her. "Do you promise not to blow us to smithereens until after we hand the captain to the mob boss?"

"Deal," she said with a nod.

"Now, where's this ship?"

I really hadn't examined it carefully before, but the aft end of the second floor contained docks, a gift shop, and stairs leading to the lower level. The stairs were concealed behind a wall and doors on the lower level, hence the reason why I hadn't seen them from the pool area.

After concealing my friends in Tayari's room, I crept to the end of the hallway overlooking these docks, and waited.

I crouched in the hallway, leaning against the wall. The senator had a copy of the book that inspired the MASH film and TV show, so I idly thumbed through it as I waited for something to happen.

For an hour, nothing did.

Jenny impatiently popped out of the room, hissing, "Anything yet?"

"No," I said. "The only thing I've learned so far is that they did some creative alterations to this book when they filmed it."

"Oh great!" she growled. "The person...whoever it is, probably sneaked past you, and you didn't even see them because you were too busy reading that stupid book!"

I shook my head. "I've actually been peering over the spine every couple of minutes. I haven't heard footsteps or anything."

"If you want me, I'll be in the room, watching some rubbish about Tinkerbell and the fairies!" She let out a frustrated grunt, stomping away.

I turned another page in the book.

A scuttling sound turned my attention to the floor, and for a few moments, I watched with curiosity as a blue crab creature waddled up to one of the hatches, pushing buttons on a panel set in the floor. A door came open, and it disappeared inside, shutting the door behind itself.

I wasn't sure if that were worth reporting or not. I certainly didn't see anything Quark related going on, even with the glasses. This particular section of the ship appeared to be oddly Quark free.

More time passed. I was more than halfway through the book now.

When I found Desiree whispering in my ear, my face flushed hot with shame. I hadn't even noticed her approaching, and I was on watch.

"Has anyone passed through here in the last few minutes?"

I shook my head. "I...don't think so," I stammered. "Well, I mean, I _did_ see a crab thing."

"What color was it?"

"Uh, blue?"

"What door did she go in?"

I pointed to it.

Desiree sighed. "That's only Boca Mruf the cosmetics queen. You didn't see anything else?"

"Sorry," I said. "Of course, if you're able to sneak up on me, who knows what I missed."

She held up her shoes. "I'm careful."

"Not careful enou-" I began, but she cut me off.

"Do you think I'm pretty?" she blurted.

I chuckled. "You're definitely unique."

She looked displeased. "That's not what I asked. Do you find me beautiful?"

I gulped, staring into her eye. "Well, you're not a supermodel.." Seeing her crestfallen expression, I quickly added, "But neither am I. Flowers come in many varieties, with many independent standards of beauty. So..." I cleared my throat. "You're the most beautiful human Dalek I've ever seen." I swallowed. "And I think...I love you."

She leaned her head on my shoulder. "You _think_ you love me, or you do?"

Now I felt really nervous. "I..."

I cared for her. I liked her company. I even...enjoyed kissing her. But did I really love her? For that matter, did anyone really know what that word meant? I'm not sure my parents did.

One thing I did know, however. I didn't want to see her unhappy, or dead. I didn't want to hurt her.

"Yes," I said. "Yes, I love you."

"Then you won't mind if I do this."

She sat in my lap and kissed me.

When she pulled her lips away for a moment, I gasped, "You're right."

And we kissed again.

The sound of bootsteps diverted our attention from such amusements.

I turned my head and nearly screamed.

It was the guy with the turtle mask, and his girlfriend.

"Shit!" I cried. "That's the guy from the-"

She silenced me with a heavy kiss.

I pushed her back, but she only responded by giving Turtle Face a sideways glance as she rubbed against me and unbuttoned my vest.

"Now, really, I don't think this is the right-"

Desiree responded by pressing her face against the side of my neck opposite the stranger. "What part of the word `distraction' don't you understand?"

And then she kissed me again, caressing my chest as she unfastened buttons on my shirt.

The purple lady saw us, muttering something to the turtle and pointing with a laugh. Turtle Face visibly shuddered., typing numbers, and the two disappeared through a door.

Desiree smiled and kissed me, flippers sliding across my exposed chest.

"They're gone now," I said.

She giggled through her nose. "I know." More kissing.

That's when I hear the clomp of heels and a disgusted groan.

"Ahem!" Jenny snapped. "Did you make any progress yet?"

With a nod, I hurried back to Tayari's room and I settled into his chair, sipping one of his weird beverages. I needed _something_ to cope with the heavy weight I was about to saddle myself with.

"Well?" Jenny said with impatience.

"They're not allied to the Quarks," I muttered uncomfortably.

"Then what are they?" Desiree demanded.

I took another swig.

"Dammit," I whispered, as I saw the expectant stares.

With a sigh, I told them everything about the turtle mask, about the man, about the surgeries and the broken Quark.

"This changes everything!" Desiree cried. "I don't have to kill anyone! All you have to do is..."

She caught my glum look, and her joyous expression turned somber. "You have to do it," she said. "You do realize that, don't you? You're the only one who knows how to pilot them. You've had practice. The needs of thousands outweigh your own. You _do_ see that, right?"

I started weeping. "Let's rescue the boys first, okay?"

"Speaking of which," Jenny said. "How are we going to do this, just pound on his door?"

"I suspect," I sniffed. "That Desiree wants us to crawl through the air ducts."

"The medical lab has tranquilizers," the human Dalek said. "I need to sneak in there and steal them when the nurse isn't looking. The air ducts _are_ the best way to avoid detection."

"I have a better idea," said Riversong. "We have something called a Janice Thorn in the TARDIS. It causes paralysis and simulates death."

"And where is this TARDIS?" Desiree asked.

"You should know," I muttered. "You stole parts out of it."

"Oh," she frowned.

And so we marched downstairs into the engine room.

Knowing the area to be dangerous, I put on the polarized lenses the moment we reached the foot of the stairs.

"Don't look now," I said. "But we've got company."

I passed the glasses around.

"God!" said Riversong as she saw them. And then she hissed, "Quick! Into the TARDIS!"

We dashed through the chamber, increasing speed when we saw the machines turning opaque.

We neared the submarine hatch, but we weren't fast enough. The moment I reached the door, I heard Riversong let out a cry and I see her collapsing.

Desiree and Jenny grabbed her, dragging her through the hatch as fast as they could, but I wasn't sure what good we'd do for her.

Once inside, Jenny bolted to the console, flicked a lever, and the door slammed shut.

"I need something electrical," Desiree shouted. "Sufficient electrical voltage will negate the brainwashing."

"I'll look in the storage room," Jenny said.

"Good luck," I said. "That place is a mess!"

Jenny marched down the adjoining tunnel, coming back a minute later with a Taser. "Someone's cleaned!"

"Really?" I blurted.

I ran back and checked, and sure enough, all the cleaning I'd done was still the way I left it. "That's weird," I muttered. "Maybe the time loop is actually broken!"

Of course, that wasn't great news, because my dog wouldn't have a paw anymore.

When I returned, I found Desiree jolting Riversong's head with the Taser.

"Won't that cause brain damage?" I said.

"Not any more than the Quarks have already done."

"So says the woman with brains on the outside of her head," Jenny muttered.

Riversong groaned and sat up. "What happened?"

"You were about to be a Quark slave," Desiree said.

The whole room shook as something hit the outside wall with a thunderous bang. Both Riversong and Jenny seemed nonplussed about it.

"Where's the Janice Thorn?" Jenny asked.

Riversong staggered to her feet, opening one of the wall panels. She handed her a chrome cylinder, and a blowgun.

"You need to be careful with these. We only have a limited supply."

She wobbled unsteadily over to the console, pushing buttons on one of the computers shaped like a knife blade.

"Our friend took out some important parts," I said. "Can you get it to do anything?"

Riversong gave me a grim look. "I'll try."

She pulled a lever and typed on a Commodore keypad. "It looks like we can't leave this place, but we can make small jumps."

"Jumps?" I asked. "To where?"

Before she could reply, Desiree said, "Can you take us to the top floor?"

In response, Riversong's hands flew at the controls, and our vehicle made grinding sounds. A few seconds later, we were staring out the submarine hatch at the bridge.

Our appearance had not gone unnoticed. Upon hearing us, the captain spun around in his chair, staring at us. His right hand reached for a communication panel.

Jenny didn't hesitate. Having loaded the blowgun as we traveled, she quickly lifted it as she stepped out, took a deep breath, and fired.

The man collapsed, but only after summoning his guards.

Chaos erupted, but as I could guess how this was going to play out, I immediately shouted, "Get him into the TARDIS!" and ran out to grab the man.

The moment I and Desiree had him over our shoulders, the Quarks burst in the room and opened fire.

Riversong raised her sonic screwdriver, creating a high pitched shriek that disrupted the Quarks' invisibility and froze a pair of them in place, but other ones were still moving, their gun panels opening.

I took a bullet in the calf, but kept stumbling ahead. Most of the other shots hit either Desiree or the captain, since the Quarks could only come out of that one door, but they were quickly encircling us to do more damage.

Desiree cried in pain as shrapnel tore into her body, but she staggered bravely onward, until she could no longer walk, collapsing on the floor.

"Desiree!" I cried, but there was nothing I could do about it in the chaos. If we didn't complete the mission, the kids would end up losing their feet, and this loop would never end.

Plus, like it or not, this did remove our suicide bomber from the equation.

Seeing our plight, Jenny dove in to take Desiree's place, and soon we were within the confines of the TARDIS.

I looked back, hoping that Desiree was still alive, maybe alive enough for us to launch a rescue attempt, but the creatures dashed my hopes by blasting her to a bloody pulp.

The door slammed shut just seconds before they opened fire on us. The room shook like someone was hitting it with a jackhammer, then the noises faded as the machine commenced its grinding.

Riversong checked the captain's pulse. "He's dead."

"Are you sure it's not the Janice Thorn?" Jenny said as she picked shrapnel out of her arms with a scalpel and tweezers.

"He was being used as a human shield," she said. "Sadly these wounds are fatal."

I noticed she had a few wounds herself.

"This is what Desiree wanted," I sighed. "Good or bad."

"Well, on the bright side," Jenny said as she nonchalantly stitched herself up. "She can't blow everything up if she's dead."

I frowned. "I don't know about that. One time she slashed her wrists, and the bomb still went off. I think it's on a timer or something."

She rolled her eyes. "A literal time bomb that actually has a timer. Who would have thought of that?"

"Come to think of it," Riversong said. "I did notice her leave the room for a few minutes before she, uh, started snogging you."

"So it could still blow up."

"Maybe," I said. "We're safe in here, I think."

"But Harvey and Joe are not."

"Not to mention his dog."

"Right," I said. "Let's go meet with Jimmy."

The two stared at me. "Who?"

I groaned. "You know, Jimmy Bagodonuts. The casino guy. It's a joke."

"Oh."

Jenny finished bandaging herself, then fixed up me and Riversong.

Riversong flicked some switches and pushed buttons on a computer.

"Can we send this thing back a few hours? So we can have a chance against the time bomb?"

"Only if you want two captains," Riversong frowned.

"Which would you like better? Two captains or having every molecule in your body incinerated?"

She punched the Commodore keypad. "I have a feeling this is going to resemble an Irish folktale."

I stared at her in puzzlement.

"A man owned a magical chest that produced gold in enormous quantities. Whenever he removed some, more appeared to take its place. It replicated it. And then one day, someone killed him, and he fell in the chest. His murderer tried to bury the body, but every time he took one out, another body appeared in the chest."

I swallowed. "I hope something like that doesn't happen."

"Me too."

A few more flicked switches and keypresses later, and we were staring at a row of marble sinks and ornately framed mirrors in a bathroom.

"Why can't we just pop in his office like we did at the bridge?"

Riversong scowled at me. "Remember how you ruined things just by mentioning the time loop? Remember that?"

I sighed. "How is this better? He has security cameras. The casino is crowded. How is this better?"

"I programmed the TARDIS to disable them. The straightforward approach," she said with a shrug.

"You _would_ pick the men's room," Jenny groaned.

"This is probably for the best," I said. "He's a man. I'm not sure he'd want to stroll into the lady's room."

Jenny waved dismissively. "I'll watch the body. You two go up and tell him what we did."

This time the TARDIS had taken on the appearance of a restroom stall with an out of order sign on it, black plastic sheets covering the bottom half.

We stepped out of the restroom, marching up the security controlled staircase to the casino manager's office.

Lou spun around in his chair as we entered under guard.

"Did you do it yet?" the man said. "I haven't heard any messages from the Alpha Quark, but you never can tell, can you?"

He grinned as he puffed his cigar. "I mean, that has to be why you're here, right? Otherwise, not even you would be stupid enough to trick me or knock me off when you know I remember things-"

"We did it," Riversong snapped coldly. "The man's hidden in the men's WC."

"She means restrooms," I corrected.

Lou scowled at me. "Kid, I'm not a moron. I know what a friggin' toilet is. I once got violently sick in London." He shook his head. "Not important. What's important is you got the body. Let's take a look at it."

So we led him down to the bathrooms.

The boss ordered guards posted outside the area, clearing everyone out, and he stepped into the men's to take a look.

Thankfully, Jenny had pulled the body out, so Lou wouldn't be asking questions about the TARDIS.

For a moment, he glanced at the stall, muttering, "I thought we had that fixed," but then he turned his attention to the body, prodding the neck, turning the head, rolling him on his back, grabbing the wrists. "Yup. That's dead."

He clapped his hands, and my friends staggered out of thin air, followed by my dog, who was now missing two paws, not just one.

The moment my dog hobbled over, she whined and licked my face. I felt like crying.

"Sorry," Lou said. "Got a little overzealous. Thought you weren't going to come through."

I glared at him.

As much as I wanted to hop into the TARDIS and get away, I couldn't do it in front of Lou or screw everything up. Instead, I handed Zanie to Joe and told them to get as far away from there as he possibly could.

He laughed. "You think I actually want to stay here after all that? Show me the door!"

"He has video games," Harvey muttered. "And ice cream."

It seemed that Joe had not had a similarly pleasant imprisonment, for that produced a sullen glare.

Joe hurried out, Harvey slowly waddling after him.

"That's some solid work," Lou said as he examined the corpse, rooting through its pockets. "I'm actually impressed!"

He stuffed some objects into his vest, then took out a notepad. "What's your name again, son? I don't want to forget it when I'm starting my presidential campaign."

Before I could tell him, the captain's eyes snapped open, and he let out a drowning man's gasp.

"What the hell?" Lou cried. "What is this!"

Looking furious, and wheezing as he coughed up blood, the captain's hands reached up, grabbing Lou around the neck."

Terrified, Lou swore and pulled at the corpse's hands, trying to fight him off.

The corpse was turning translucent, less and less substantial with every passing second.

"Congratulations, Nick!" Riversong cried triumphantly. "The captain's becoming alive!"

"No!" Lou shouted. "No no no! This was not our deal!"

Gaining the upper hand as the captain slowly disappeared, Lou pushed him off and clapped his hands.

Nothing happened.

"And this is not your ship!" the captain yelled as he vanished from sight.

A second later, four Quarks appeared, surrounding him on all sides.

Jenny, Riversong and I quickly hurried out the moment we saw their firing panels sliding open.

"No!" Lou cried. "Stop! I am your master!"

The machines paid him no heed, blasting him with so much shrapnel that his body was reduced to an unrecognizable lump of bloody gristle on the tile floor.

We only watched for a moment before hurrying out of the casino, searching for the boys.

Not seeing them, I ran out into the hall.

"You think we fixed time yet?" Jenny asked. "I mean, granted, the captain is still there, but at least at least we got rid of a very dangerous enemy..."

Riversong looked at her watch. "When is this bomb supposed to go off? Midnight?"

"I don't know," I said. "I never had a clock."

I found the boys hanging out at the arcade. Joe was playing a game with pigeon boy, but Harvey was just sadly petting my dog, staring at her.

"What kind of mean bastard cuts off a dog's feet? I mean, God, what did Zanie do to him?" He was in tears.

"He's dead," I said. "He won't be torturing dogs or people anymore."

He shook his head. "I wanna go home."

"I'd gladly take you," Riversong said. "But an essential component to the TARDIS is missing. Once we can find that part..."

"I know where it is," I said. "Under Desiree's bed."

Riversong raised her eyebrows. "Do I want to know how you acquired this information?"

I led her upstairs to the door, which we opened with the sonic screwdriver.

Rushing to the bed, I pulled out the lunch box, unclipping the latch.

"That's it?" Jenny said skeptically. "That's the bomb?"

I didn't answer. There was no time for conversation.

I saw lights flashing, and they didn't look friendly.

In fact, they looked the way they did last time I tried to defuse it when it was armed.

And then that stupid song popped in my head again.

_Welcome back..._

_You thought your dreams were your ticket out..._

I had a hunch, and instinct, and it said we were too late.

"Oh shi-"

Everything exploded.

I awoke to the sound of knocking, and a canine growl from somewhere out of sight.

I was in a bed.

An actual genuine bed.

Plump, soft, sealed within a fat comforter.

Glistening mahogany dressers and closet.

I even had a window, some nearby star shining over...that planet we kept busting our backs over.

Pulling back the covers, I saw that my bed had both human and nonhuman comfort settings, avian, saurian, arthropod, and more.

Looking down, I could see my beloved dog, snug as a bug in a fancy little pooch bed, and not only that, miracle of miracles, her paws had been restored!

Knock knock knock.

I was in my underwear.

Well, silk boxers.

_Nice. _I didn't see my clothing anywhere. I wondered who dressed me.

"Room service!" a voice called.

"Just a minute!" I yelled back.

I threw open the closet and found a wardrobe full of designer clothing. "What is all this?" I wondered aloud. "Bribery?"

Hearing the knocks become more urgent, I threw on something random, a shirt with tropical birds on it, and silk Mandarin style trousers with dragons running down the sides, then threw open the door.

I found Desiree staring back at me, looking bashful in a long silk robe collared with white fur.

My dog barked happily, wagging her tail by my side.

"Uh hi!" I stammered as I looked at my visitor. "So you're room service now?"

"Maybe," she smiled.

My gaze traveled downwards. "What's with the outfit?"

She shrugged the robe off. Underneath, she had on a chrome colored two piece bikini, garters and silver stockings. "You like?"

"Wow," I said, struggling for words. "I mean, I do, but what's the occasion?" 

She slid a flipper around my hip. "You've convinced me not to use the bomb."

I swallowed. "I have?"

In response, she kissed me, purring, "Uh huh."

She undid a button on my shirt. "I thought, if the man is going to sacrifice everything to save us from the Quarks, I might as well make his last moments as a human pleasurable."

I paled.

Why me?


	47. Chapter 47: Farewell to the Flesh

She was a cyclops, she had tentacles sticking out of her head, and her brain was on the outside of her skull, but I had gotten used to that.

Actually, _more_ than used to that.

And her outfit..._wow_.

My squeamishness wasn't the problem. It was everything else.

Volunteering me for brain surgery without asking my consent.

Propositioning me when we technically only dated once...well, once several times, but I don't think that counts.

And then there's the mysterious unexpected deluxe treatment.

As she kissed me, unbuttoning my bird shirt, I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her away.

"What's the matter?" she said with a pout. "You love me, don't you?"

I swallowed.

Although not the wisest thing to do in this circumstance, I quickly closed the door, more to protect her decency than anything else.

"It's not that." I waved at the room. "What's all this? Where'd this wardrobe come from? Why am I here instead of on the hallway floor?"

"We did the captain a favor, getting rid of his enemy, so he granted us..._certain privileges_."

I frowned. "If he remembers what we did, why wouldn't he try to kill us as well?"

"`The enemy of my enemy is my friend,' I suppose. Plus his memory might have some gaps..."

"Still, if he remembers Blocker, wouldn't he remember the TARDIS, too?"

Desiree sighed and nodded. "Your friend is busy building the slave transporter."

My mouth fell open in shock. "And we're celebrating?"

"Why not? Your friends are okay, and the solution is within sight."

"And you can just blow us up with a bomb if I botch the job."

My girlfriend shrugged. "Where would we be if I didn't? You've already accomplished so much!"

She gave me a little peck on the lips, then another, getting more involved with it.

Again, I pushed her back.

"C'mon," I said. "We hardly know each other."

"Are you sure?" she said, giving me another kiss. "Maybe I just don't remember it."

"We, uh, technically only went on one date. Sort of. Maybe one and a half."

She responded with a full mouth kiss.

I stopped her, gently stroking her bare shoulders.

"I understand you're desperate because you look unusual and nobody seems to like you for yourself, but we've got to slow down!"

"Based on what you've told me," she said as she pressed against me. "Once they make you into that creature..." She massaged my chest. "You're never going to feel this again."

Her flippers smoothed the curve of my pants as she placed her lips against my neck. "Or this."

"So it's a farewell to the flesh," I frowned.

She grabbed my hand, placing it on her bra. "It is a pleasant farewell, is it not?"

She kissed me some more, and I found myself kissing back.

Zanie let out a few confused barks, then backed away into her pet bed.

"This is wrong," I said between smooches.

"I know." But she didn't stop.

"We shouldn't," I said, Frenching her.

"It's your last chance." She nipped my tongue.

Last chance.

Farewell to the flesh.

Never again.

I felt an icy chill running down my back, like someone was walking on my grave.

I pulled away suddenly. "Let's just cuddle, okay?"

She smiled and nodded. "It's your last day as a human. I'll give you anything you want."

And so we lay cradled in each other's arms, me staring vacantly at a framed painting of giant sandworms, trying to come to grips with my situation.

"All this trying," I said with a smirk. "And the only thing I had to do to get into your pants was volunteer for brain surgery."

She nuzzled her head into my neck. "You had me the moment you defended me in front of that unpleasant woman in the cat suit."

I would have argued that said unpleasant woman was responsible for our current vastly improved situation, but I was too dumbstruck by the fact she knew about something like that.

I sat bolt upright, gawking at her.

"Wait. How do you remember that?"

"I don't know," she said. "I just do."

With a sigh, I sunk back into her embrace.

At last I undraped my girlfriend's arm from my person and said, "I've got a job to do. I've postponed it long enough."

She placed one of my hands on her dappled leg. "You sure you don't want anything else?"

I just looked at her sadly, giving her a dismissive pat.

I threw her robe back to her and stepped outside.

The door popped open a second later.

Desiree hadn't put on her robe yet, but she had a brown suit coat clutched in one fin, offering it to me. "Don't forget this!"

I tried to wave her away, but she pressed it into my hands. "Keep it. I think it's important."

I took it, intending to discard it later, but then I noticed its weight was suspicious.

I searched the pockets and found all the Doctor's tools inside, even the memory erasing banana slug. I pulled the suit coat on.

Turtle Face was at his usual spot at the bar. The time loop still seemed to be in effect to some degree.

With a grim smile, I seated myself at the table without being invited.

Turtle Face frowned. "Did I say you could seat yourself at my table?" he growled.

"You don't own this establishment," I said with intentional arrogance.

He scowled at me. "That may be true, but if you don't vacate this seat, you will find things very unpleasant."

"You have gas too?" I joked. "It must be the buffet food."

He looked like he were reaching for a gun beneath the table. The purple girl muttered something.

"Look," I said. "Let's cut to the chase. You want a victim to pilot your disabled Quark, and I'm volunteering."

I made a cutting gesture across my forehead. "I'm all yours."

The purple girl and Turtle Face exchanged nervous glances.

The turtle then eyed me with suspicion. "I don't know what you're talking about." It was obvious that my eager volunteering was setting off alarm bells in his head.

"No?" I said. "Slicing open people's skulls? Putting their brains inside little frog creatures so they can pilot a big metal thing? Sound familiar?"

The female covered her mouth with her hand, horrified. Turtle Face shook his head, but I detected a mixture of shock and disbelief.

It was like a wolf or a lion reacting to an offering of a lame diseased goat.

"It sounds like someone already beat me to the job," he mocked. "Your brain appears to be lacking something. Why don't you shove off and get someone qualified to put the missing piece back in?"

"I know you have the tools and the technology to put me in control of a Quark. We both want the same thing, and yet we play this little game of pretend. Why are you being so secretive?"

"Why are you so viciously barking up the wrong tree?" he countered.

I sighed. "I was hoping we could do this amicably, like civilized people, but I don't see any way around doing this the hard way."

And then I balled up my hands into fists and punched the man in the face.

To my surprise, he did not shoot me like he normally did.

Instead, he punched back, and for a few minutes we were occupied in trading pointless blows.

I lost a tooth, received a black eye, and a bloody nose in the exchange. I probably injured him a fair bit as well, but I couldn't see it under the disguise.

The bartender came over to the table, using her four arms to split us up.

"Now play nice, or I'll throw you both out, maybe drag you into the brig."

I smiled at her with bloody teeth and nodded.

Turtle Face also nodded, and then I heard him chuckle, laugh, then let out a braying guffaw, slapping me repeatedly on the back, as if to say, "You know, you're not such a bad guy after all!"

But then I noticed the pricking sensation left by his hand slaps, and soon my eyelids were growing heavy, the edges of everything around me getting hazy and rounded as my vision blurred.

When I awoke from this drift into dreamless sleep, I again found myself staring into the rusted interior of a spaceship, and my body was once more green, multiple limbed, and naked.

The bearded head leaned over me, his face reflecting that expression of "Something must be wrong with you, this is too good to be true."

"For the record," the man said. "The name of the project is Brutus, in honor of the man who stabbed Julius Caesar in the back.

"Although it's too late for us to start this out amicably at this juncture, it would have been more courteous and respectful to mention the codename rather than blurting out all our plans to everyone in the entire ship.

"The Quarks are everywhere. I assume you must realize that, unless you are actually a spy. In which case, I cannot fathom why you would want to place yourself completely at my mercy, and even offer your very brain to be operated upon. It defies all logic."

"I have unfinished business with the Quarks," I said with the mouth on my stomach. "This is the only way I know to put an end to their strangle hold on the ship."

He stared at me appraisingly. "You are a most unusual specimen! Never before in my life have I had such a willing and eager test subject!"

"It just goes to show you," I said. "You can attract more bees with honey than vinegar."

He stroked his beard, thinking. "Are you arguing for acquiring volunteers by means of financial incentives?"

"It wouldn't hurt," I said with a shrug of my tentacles. "Have you seen my dog?"

"Dog?" the man stared blankly at me for a moment.

"Yes," I groaned. "My dog. Where else would you put those extra brain pieces you think I don't need?"

"He's right here," I heard a voice say.

I turned and saw Desiree carrying my dog up to the table, stroking her furry coat.

"What's the deal with the watermelon in Buckaroo Bonzai?" the dog said. "I mean, it's the most dramatic part of the entire film, and they come to a complete stop to ask about a watermelon! They don't even explain what it's used for !"

I rolled my eye, glancing up at my girlfriend. "Fancy meeting you here. How did you even get in?"

She grinned. "I knocked."


	48. Chapter 48: Quark Trials

She just knocked and came right in.

A secret laboratory where illegal brain surgery is being done.

I know, she is the poster child for illegal brain surgery, but still...

I stared at my girlfriend, and then at the mad scientist, Shalop, Shalom, or whatever his name was.

Shalop gave me this look like, "What, why are you surprised by that?"

"I like the look," my girlfriend said.

She bent down and kissed me on the mouth.

My skin turned a shade of pink, and a cluster of fleshy white feelers popped out of my upper body. She smiled as she ran a finger across them.

I drew in a shuddering breath. It seemed that pleasure was not alien to this form, after all.

"Whenever you're finished making love to the test subject..."

I and Desiree were both blushing.

"Sorry, Master," she said.

"Hey! Why are you calling him Master?" I asked.

"That's his name. He calls himself the Master."

"Wait. I've _heard_ about you!"

He laughed. "And what have you heard, exactly?"

I frowned. "Bad things."

He just chuckled. "I can't be all that bad if you want to punch me in the face to volunteer as my test subject."

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?" Desiree suggested.

"More like `the enemy of my enemy is my friend'" I said.

"Hey, that's my line!" Zanie said.

"Well!" The master grinned. "It looks like I didn't put _everything_ in the dog."

The man picked me up, carrying me over to the deactivated robot.

"Since you already have an inkling about what I endeavor to achieve, I can only hope you have at least a rudimentary understanding of how to operate this machinery."

"This isn't my first rodeo," I said.

He frowned at me in suspicion. "So it would appear. But your claim of having already undergone such a procedure and returning as a whole human being is a scientific impossibility."

In other words, if the time loop ended here, I could never return to my normal human form. I swallowed hard.

"I often do ten impossible things before breakfast," I muttered.

"Let's hope, for your sake, that you can do eleven," the man said, shoving me inside the hatch on the side of the machine.

It had been a few time loops ago, but I picked up the controls of the Quark like a person would pick up a bicycle.

Okay, so I wasn't that good, but I figured out how to move the tentacles, fire the gun, and teleport from place to place without killing myself.

From the first time we met, I had been tempted to kill The Master, shoot him, choke him, whatever, but now I realized that doing so would prevent me from regaining any resemblance of humanity, and now I had even volunteered.

This appeared to be my fate, so I had to accept it, and cooperate with him. It was the only way I could solve my dilemma.

I stumbled over the brainwashing tool by accident. I was experimenting with the limbs, and found that one of them had a strange shape and didn't appear to have anything to do with manipulation of objects.

When my captor touched it, he froze, staring at me with a slack jawed expression.

"What are you doing?" I had said. "Practicing to become a fish?"

He responded by doing just that, flapping his hands and making blubbing sounds as he absently shuffled around the room.

I rolled my eye. As much as I enjoyed this little bit of revenge, it didn't help me any.

"Focus, man!" I barked. "You are not a fish! You're a man! Help me beat the Quarks!"

"Yes sir!" he cried.

Unfortunately, I got too overzealous trying to teleport my way over to the ship, and ended up spinning off into the void of space.

I'm not sure what I did, but I must have overshot the runway somehow, and I couldn't get back.

For a moment, I thought that was it, my life was over, but after what felt like two hours, randomly teleporting and flailing my tentacles at an asteroid that proved to be unreachable, I felt searing pain engulfing my entire body.

I awoke in the deluxe bed again.

Hearing knocking, I threw on some clothes and hurried to answer `room service.'

Desiree had on the same outfit as before. The time loop wasn't all bad.

I ran my fingers through the fur collar on her robe. "I'm definitely going to give this place five stars," I muttered, curling one of her head tentacles around my finger.

Letting out a little shuddering gasp, she shrugging off her robe, showing me her bikini. "You like?"

"Maybe," I said, kissing her on the lips.

As we shared tongues, I brought her close to me, hands sliding down her back, which just so happened to be covered in sticky suction cup things.

Well, I suppose I had bought the whole package, so to speak, so I didn't let that bother me. My hands settled on her hips, tracing the waistband of her bikini bottoms as she slowly unbuttoned my shirt.

When my hand slid lower, massaging her curves through the fabric, her flipper closed around my wrists, bringing them up to my chest.

"You're right," she blurted. "I mean, this isn't right. I can't. Not now."

"You came to me in your underwear," I said.

She blushed. "I know, but...I don't know, it seems selfish of me to come here and do this just to, um, try to make myself not feel guilty about coercing you into brain surgery."

She pressed her head against my chest. "Let's just cuddle."

With a shrug, I drew her onto the bed, and we held each other.

"So you had the hots for me, ever since I defended you in front of Jenny."

She nodded. "But not only that, you gave me those flowers and the card."

I didn't remember that at all. I paled, horrified. "What!"

"You sent your dog up to my room when I was contemplating suicide, and there was a card attached to her neck, saying you loved me and didn't want to see me hurt myself. And then room service came in with eleven bouquets of flowers. I can never forget that."

I was so startled that I jumped backwards and fell off the bed.

"But I never did such a thing!" I cried. "It has to be a trick! It was the captain, or Jenny!"

She slid down to the floor, wrapping her arms around me. "I don't think so," she purred. "I distinctly remember meeting in the brig afterwards."

I recoiled from her. "Were you aware of the time loop the whole time?" I shouted.

She gave me a shrug. "More or less."


	49. Chapter 49: Feedback Loop

I stared at Desiree with a mixture of outrage, shock and horror. My mind raced with conflicting emotions.

"You were aware of the time loop the whole time?" I shouted.

She shrugged. "I don't know. More or less."

"I guess it makes sense I mean, it _is_ your time bomb..." I swallowed. "But what about all those times we kissed in the brig? Why were you being so monotonous? It was like I was kissing a robot!"

Her brow furrowed in puzzlement. "What are you talking about? We only kissed twice."

I smacked my head. "All right. It seems we both have gaps in our memories. Let's compare notes."

And so I told her about every encounter we had together.

She shivered. "I only remember half of that. We actually kissed that many times?"

I nodded. "As a quote-unquote `distraction.'"

She gave me a faint smile. "If you want, I can make up for it with some variety..."

I reddened. "That's not necessary."

Her smile faded. "I only thought about slashing my wrists. I never actually did it. I mean, why would I? I was on a suicide mission anyway."

"I don't know," I said. "I must have gotten you really upset."

"I only remember you saying that my panties had little hearts on them, and you thought you saw tentacles hanging out."

I laughed. "I do not remember that."

"And we only danced once. It was pigheaded for you to use me to get food at the buffet, but I forgave you."

Grinning, I said, "Your time loop must have been nice."

I caressed her shoulder. "So what did I forget? What happened in yours?"

"It begins with you telling me about the TARDIS."

My eyes widened. "But I'd never do that!"

She chuckled. "Don't be so sure."

She began her story.

Apparently, Desiree had sneaked onto the Island Princess by stowing away inside a crate of claw colorizers in Boca Mruf's ship. She had worn an oxygen mask, because I guess it's standard policy to vacuum seal storage bays when traveling through space.

She spent several hours hiding beneath a heavy mound of multicolored plastic disks, and only the noisy singing and rummaging of the crab creature gave her any indication that they had landed.

The moment Boca scuttled off, she sneaked out. She could tell by the faint shimmering in the hallways that the Quarks had already taken over.

Having memorized the ship's schematics, she hurried downstairs with her nerve gas, uncapping the cylinders inside the main air distributor.

Along the way, she noticed a facet of the ship that hadn't been documented on the blueprint. The TARDIS. She opened the door with her sonic hand.

While interesting to her, she saw nothing Quark related inside, so she hurried off.

"As I was running down the corridor near Captain Salty's," Desiree said. "I accidentally tripped over your face. You awoke right away."

"I don't remember that at all!" I protested.

She just gave me a look that said, "We've had this discussion already."

I shrugged and asked her to continue.

"Looking around, I could see your companions, still unconscious. And then I knelt down, staring into your beautiful brown eyes..."

It all sounded wonderfully romantic. I wished I could have actually remembered it.

"Although I found you somewhat cute, I didn't care about you or anything yet. I was just trying to figure out what you were doing on the floor, so I injected you with the truth serum."

"You did what!" I cried.

My girlfriend gave me an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, but at the time I felt I had to do it. You know, to save the universe."

I sighed. "One thing I can say for you. You're assertive."

Desiree grinned.

She told me about how she questioned me, asking me what I was doing there and how I got there. When I told her about the TARDIS, she thanked me and gently laid me on the floor, setting Zanie on my chest.

Of course you know what happened next. I think if she could have figure out how to pilot the thing, she would have never made that time bomb.

Actually, she made _attempts_, but that's later in her story.

After rooting through the TARDIS some more, she resumed her sweep of the Island Princess, and learned about the captain. That's when people started waking up.

She couldn't figure out how to get buffet food any better than I could. When she tried it, Mole Man tried to report her to security, so she sneaked off to Captain Salty's, where her four armed friend Ajani hooked her up with some grub, free of charge.

I won't bore you with telling you how I first met Desiree again. The fact that she pulled up a stool next to us in order to spy on us makes me a little less guilty about insulting her.

You already heard about what happened next, so I won't subject you to a time loop within a time loop.

The part that varies is how Desiree describes our meeting in her cabin suite. Well, not actually her suite, per se, but the vacant one she broke into.

"I had a knife out, thinking about suicide," she said. "But I set it on a dresser, deciding that I had assembled the bomb for a reason, and if I truly intended to kill myself, I should take the Dominators with me."

That wasn't what I remembered, but I decided to just take her word on that.

"I didn't close the door all the way, and your dog came in, pawing on me, licking me. I recognized whose it was right away. For a moment, I thought that maybe, just maybe, you sent the dog into my room to comfort me."

She told me my rude insulting comments, and the unkind brush-off really crushed her, which made me feel like the world's biggest jerk. When I gave her my belated apology, she kissed me on the lips and told me what she went through next.

I guess she didn't quite master spying on the Master, for Boca reported her to security. I'm guessing the crab remembered something from the time loops, for this was a frequent occurrence, no matter what she tried to do.

She said she met Senator Tayari, but she despised politicians, and this one seemed a bit soft passive-aggressive to her. They didn't say much to each other.

Then I ended up sharing a cell with her.

You have a pretty good idea of how things went from there. The ship ended up exploding into a million pieces, and time started over.

Unlike me, Desiree awoke inside the drum of crab cosmetics, inside a cargo hold that smelled so strongly of foundations and powders that it made her gag every time.

By comparison, sleeping on the hard uncomfortable hallway floor sounded pretty good.

Excited and confused by the apparent success of the explosive, my girflriend jumped out of the crate a little too eagerly.

The cosmetics queen spotted her, fired some taser-like device, and Desiree collapsed on the floor.

When she recovered, the human Dalek found herself tied securely to a chair, surrounded by three of the crab aliens, who glowered at her, threateningly brandishing small tube shaped weapons and little guns.

"I thought they were going to throw me into the brig," Desiree said. "But no. What they did to me was far, far worse."


	50. Chapter 50: Makeup

Author's note: I cleaned up Desiree's narrative in the previous chapter. The opening to this one won't make much sense until you go back and read the revision.

* * *

><p>I was expecting a story of torture. Unnecessary surgery without anesthetics. Hot coals, whips, or maybe, since they're crabs, lots and lots of pinching.<p>

Instead, she said, "They made me try on makeup."

Upon hearing this, I laughed.

"It's not funny," she said.

I smirked. "It kind of is. Big bad alien warrior queen getting all upset because they forcefully applied rouge to your face?"

Her skin turned a different color. "The torture was psychological. Plus they kept doing stuff around my eye. It was dangerous."

I chuckled. "It sounds like your life was in peril."

"Funny," she growled. "Real funny. Did you want to hear the rest of this story or not?"

"Sorry," I said, and she continued.

Boca left her alone, allowing her out of the ship, but only after Desiree volunteered to order several cases of Lady Suyitra finisher, Glamor Gorgon Relsak restorer and Qilvuzag colorizers and refreshers. They weren't as angry as they could have been because Boca liked a challenge and basically treated Desiree as a test guinea pig for all non-crab beauty supplies she carried.

"I think it really made a difference," Desiree said. "I was going to go to the bathroom to wash it off, but then, when I walked into that bar for the second time, I noticed you turning your head."

"I thought I was just getting used to you," I stammered.

"Maybe," she said. "But I really think Boca helped things along. In the time loops that followed, I made it a point to convince her I was a loyal customer, one that really believed in her product, because I kinda did. She still believes that's the reason why I was hiding in her cargo containers."

Desiree didn't remember things quite the same way I did, for she claimed she never said anything about slashing her wrists. Instead, captivated by her makeup enhanced beauty, I defended her the moment Jenny insulted her, and this is how it supposedly went:

As usual, Jenny came in with the "There's a girlfriend for you."

"You're right!" I allegedly said. "She has only one eye, but it is I who have been blind. Blind to the exotic beauty right in front of me."

Desiree thought I was being a total ham, but I guess I impressed her, for after asking if I really meant it a couple times, she kissed me right on the lips. Nothing too wild, mind you (after all, we just barely met) but it was a rather nice sneak preview, if her story was to be believed.

I guess we held hands and walked in the back to play pool for awhile, or something.

This story was getting more and more unbelievable by the passing moment, but there are several things that I saw that she will never believe, so what can I say.

After the first time loop, wherein I broke rocks and got introduced to the cruel and totally unpleasant Quarks, I at least had enough knowledge about these foes to have some common ground of discussion with my Dalek friend.

As we were discussing plans to destroy these enemies of ours, one of them appeared out of nowhere and shot me to pieces. I guess there's a good reason for her being all extra secretive all the time.

Desiree surrendered and she was thrown into the brig.

"Things weren't the same when you died," she said. "I think that friend of yours, Jenny, got killed by something while investigating your death. And so did that older blonde woman with the curly hair. I still managed a distraction with the two boys, but it was difficult."

I frowned at her. "What kind of distraction?"

"Oh get your mind out of the gutter. I just asked them to do a bunch of sophomoric activities to distract the guard from the cell. Raising an uproar about flatulence. That kind of thing. It was a challenge, but they eventually managed to make him disgusted enough to leave."

And she blew up the place as usual.

The next time she woke up, I wasn't in the bar, having given up on playing games trying to get food there.

She walked down to the banquet hall and found me arguing with the buffet attendant.

We danced, and I of course manipulated her to get buffet food. Again, she had no recollection of a suicide.

Instead, I apologized by sending my dog and a bunch of flowers up to her room.

"I was grateful," she said. "Maybe a little too grateful, even if half of them made me sneeze uncontrollably. I undressed, and started undressing you, but when you touched the suction cups on my back, and saw tentacles moving between my legs, you got scared and ran away in your boxers."

"I'll have to take your word on that," I muttered, sliding a hand down the side of her stomach. "So what else did I do?"

Apparently, a lot.

One time I spent the entire day on an upper deck, just staring into space.

When we were climbing through the ducts, I reached up her skirt.

I spent a day with Senator Tayari, drinking and chatting.

Someone I got Jenny interested in me, and we were kissing.

I know. I don't believe that one, either.

I got up and sang with the Dalek band.

That creature in the other prison cell ripped me to shreds, and I actually died there.

Strange as it might seem, on another timeline, me and that same bloodthirsty creature make passionate love. I really don't know how that would be possible, but she said it happened.

I got killed or somehow avoided capture, and Desiree was trapped in a cell by herself. She got caught, and they threw her out to work with the slaves.

She sat up. "You should go. We only have a few hours before this time loop starts over."

Nodding, I gave her a kiss, then, on a strange impulse, I grabbed one of her head tentacles, giving it a teasing nibble.

It tasted weird. I'm not sure what I'd compare it to, except maybe blue cheese salad dressing and earwax.

She drew in a shuddering breath in response, eyelid fluttering in pleasure.

"Don't do that," she moaned.

"What," I said, giving it another playful bite.

"What happened to `let's cuddle'?"

I flinched. "You're serious. This is really-"

"An erogenous zone. Yes. And if you keep playing with it, I'll make you go where neither one of us has ever gone before."

"I almost like the sound of that," I said.

"It's getting late," she said. "You need to practice using the Quark machine so you can save us."

I sighed. "I guess you're right."

I kissed her on the brain. "Goodbye."

But as I climbed off the bed, I tickled her tentacles with my fingers. She moaned and squirmed in response. It looked like a nest of snakes were trying to escape her bikini bottom.

"You rat!" she cried.

As usual, I knocked on the door to the Master's spaceship, giving him the secret password.

I was getting the hang of it now. Once I underwent my little operation, I could fling my tentacles anywhere I wanted, aim and fire shrapnel with precision, control the Master's behavior, whatever it was worth, and even turn myself invisible.

Teleportation, however, needed some serious work.

Overly cautious this time, I transported myself all over the craft without a problem, but somehow I managed to transplant myself into the wall of the Island Princess, to a point where I was half in, half out, and unable to get free.

This in and of itself wouldn't have been so bad, but this also entailed a large piece of metal running completely through my little frog body, one bloody half of me outside the craft, the other bloody chunk on the inside.

When I awoke, I again found myself in that posh deluxe bed, but I was naked.

And not just naked, naked with another naked body pressed against mine.

A cyclopean face smiled down on me as a cluster of squirming tentacles did strange things to my crotch.

"See?" she purred. "I told you I'd make you go where neither one of us had gone before!"


	51. Chapter 51: First Strike

The human Dalek wiggled herself lower beneath my covers.

"A rather pleasant punishment, don't you think?"

"Oh Lord," I groaned.

"You seem to have been saying that a lot these last few minutes. I guess it gets you in a spiritual mood?"

I shuddered. "What-"

"Woo woo!" came a muffled voice from somewhere in the room. A pitiful whimper followed.

"Zanie!" I cried, staring at Desiree in alarm. "What did you..."

I rolled off the bed, taking the Dalek with me.

"She's safe," Desiree said as we both got to our feet.

She opened an oversized dresser drawer, and there the dog was, barking and growling at its captor.

Zanie quickly jumped out, growling and carrying on.

"She saw us going at it, and got a little too excited," Desiree said.

"Apparently she's not the only one," I said.

She turned to me, putting her flippers on her naked hips. She had tentacles, scales, suction cups, and a lot of other things that weren't exactly appealing, but I guess I had bought the whole package already.

"Were you referring to you, or me?" she asked indignantly.

"Um," I stammered. "Mostly you, but maybe a little of both..."

She sidled up to me, running her flipper over my chest.

"I told you not to touch it anymore, but you did anyway."

I swallowed. "So you sleep raped me?"

Desiree laughed. "There's no way you could have done what you just did in your sleep."

Blushing, I said, "I wish I could remember it."

She pulled me close to her body, and I again could feel tentacles grabbing at my crotch. "Want a refresher course?"

"That's really okay. I'll pass."

I backed away, wondering what the hell just happened.

"So I actually _slept_ with you."

"We didn't do much sleeping," she grinned.

My face reddened more. "But I don't remember any of this!"

"How could you not remember?" she said. "Your very first time..."

I could feel my whole body turning red with embarrassment.

"I don't. None of it."

Desiree suddenly looked pale. "You mean...?"

I nodded. "Did something happen after I killed myself this time?"

"Well," she said. "While you were the creature, the other part of you painted my picture..."

"The dog, you mean."

She nodded. "It was a nice portrait, done with claws on canvas, and I said we should keep it in your TARDIS.

"Then, of course, your other self teleported into the wall of the ship.

"When I found your tiny dismembered body, I cried. I never thought I'd cry for a Dominator, but I did."

"I've died that way lots of times," I said.

She nodded. "Perhaps. But this was the first time I actually saw it."

I sighed. "Okay. Then what."

"Well," she grinned. "It seems you're a very traditional sort, for the part of you in the dog was asking if I had ever (ahem) _been with_ anyone, and when I said no, you said that this was the case for you also, and since we happened to be spending so much time with each other partly clothed, we should find a chapel..."

"So you married my dog," I said.

"No. It was you. Zanie had parts of your brain, and, well, don't you want to be my husband?"

I swallowed. "I suppose if we're sleeping together..."

I checked my fingers. "Where's the ring?"

Desiree laughed. "You said it would probably disappear when time started over."

After all I'd been through already, I was not at all surprised to hear that the chaplain married dogs with..._anything_.

"You _are_ aware that Zanie is female," I said.

"So?"

"_So_, what you did was actually lesbian in nature."

"Actually," she said, breathing into my neck. "What we did just a few minutes ago was the complete opposite of lesbian."

"I didn't even know this place had a chapel," I said.

She shrugged. "Down the hall. I can show it to you, if you like."

"What," I said. "The time loop started over without me noticing, and I still somehow remembered we were married?"

Desiree nodded.

She glanced in the drawer Zanie had been kept in.

"Oh!" she cried. "They're still here!"

And she pulled out a gold wedding band and a gold bracelet, apparently the best one could do with a fin for a hand.

"What was that doing in there?" I said.

"I don't know. After we got married, I thought that the time loop would start over, so I put them in a drawer just in case things stayed the same. But this isn't the right drawer."

She slid the ring on my finger, and it fit.

A chill ran down my spine.

It was like _this_ was the wedding.

"How did you size it?"

"I checked your corpse," she said.

I cringed.

"Uh, I guess it's a little late now, but you think we could go down to the chapel? Again? So I can marry you as a human being this time?"

She chuckled. "We already did that."

I swallowed hard. "This time loop amnesia thing is really getting old."

"Did you...want to...get married a third time?"

I shook my head. "Let's wait until this is all over and do it for real." Then I frowned at her. "What, did the captain marry us?"

She grimaced. "Perish the thought! I know how you feel about that. No, we, uh, actually found a vacationing minister. You probably saw him. He's in the band."

I furrowed my brow. "The Dalek?"

"No. The hairy one."

I smacked my face. "The Yeti?"

Desiree nodded. "He was inspiring. A shame you can't remember it."

My stomach sank as I looked into her eye. "I don't even know your full name."

"Unit 92419901," she said.

"Lovely," I groaned. "Desiree Brown is definitely an improvement."

"I still kept nine as my middle name," she grinned.

"I'm sure whatever we did was fun, sweetie, but I guess I've got to go to work, or we'll be stuck here forever."

She pressed me against the wall, kissing me passionately as she rubbed her body against me. "Is that really so bad?"

"Whoa," I cried. "Whatever happened to the human Dalek who as willing to sacrifice anything to stop the Quarks?"

"She got married," she purred.

She caressed my bare flesh for a few moments, then froze, crying on my chest.

"You're right," she moaned. "We have to stop the Dominators."

She looked up at me with tears streaming down her face. "You think we'll still be together after all this is over?"

"I..." I stammered.

"Because this is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, and if I wake up and find it never happened, I don't know what I'll do."

"If it never happened," I countered. "Then you won't know how to be sad."

I took a deep breath. "But if I remember anything, I'll make it a point to at least be a friend to you."

She sighed and nodded. "you should go."

As I got dressed, I said, "Wait. How does the time loop start over when you're not actually setting an explosive?"

"I...don't know," she said. "Maybe that's something both of us don't remember?"

And so I marched down to the Master's ship and let him chop up my brain again.

Success.

For the first time, I actually made the jump from the lab to the upper floor of the Island Princess without dying.

For a moment, I just froze, completely baffled about what to do with myself.

Once I had gathered my senses, the answer came to me quite quickly: I was here to kick ass.

So I started a sweep, teleporting down the corridor next to Senator Tayari's room.

I still had trouble adjusting to my new eye and the screens, but I could see characteristic shimmering ahead of me, and as I neared the shimmering I saw orange triangles on the monitor, paired with a bunch of unreadable symbols.

I didn't think, I just fired. After all, I'd had plenty of practice.

I saw something explode and one of the Quark vehicles toppled on the floor with a noise like someone kicking over a refrigerator.

I teleported further down the hall, passing Desiree's room, but didn't see anything.

A few hops down, and I came to Room 109.

Thinking it a step in the right direction, I teleported through the door, opening fire on the first Quark I spotted.

A second one got in a few shots before going down, damaging something on my vehicle, but I blasted that one to bits too.

The room, for the moment, appeared to be clear.

Riversong, as usual, was busy setting up the machinery for transporting slaves.

Having mastered the skill of brainwashing, I zapped her with my tentacle, and she stood blankly staring at me, bewildered at her surroundings.

"What am I doing here?" she blurted. "What are you?"

"It's Nick," I said, my voice sounding weird and alien. "I...had an operation."

Her mouth fell open. "Mr. Brown?"

"Yeah," I said. "You're still on the Island Princess. It's a secret room. You've been brainwashed."

She put a hand on my robotic vehicle. "That's really you in there?"

"Yeah." I explained the operation in more detail, and why I did it.

She accepted it more quickly than I expected. "You poor silly boy," she said. "And you expect you'll be able to change back, I suppose."

"I don't expect anything," I said. "I only expect to stop these things before-"

At that precise moment, I see four Quark machines shimmering into view, surrounding me on all sides.

I whirled and fired at one, but the others blasted me and Riversong with a rain of shrapnel.

Riversong died immediately, but I, being a Quark, survived the barrage.

Well, kind of. My vehicle was severely damaged, the lights inside my little control chamber all flashing red.

I still managed to destroy two more of the slavemasters, but the last one shattered part of my dome, and reinforcements came, loading me with so much shrapnel that my vehicle crashed to the ground, and shards of broken vehicle impaled my tiny vital organs.

As I slowly bled to death, I saw Riversong's corpse begin to glow like the Doctor's had at the funeral.

Time Lord, I thought.

Well, she _is_ the Doctor's wife.

Something sharp stabbed into my brain, ending my train of thought.

Actually, thought,_ period_.


	52. Chapter 52: Experiments

I was being probed in the rear. I could feel sticky tentacles going inside me as flippers caressed my naked flesh.

"That's not so bad, is it?"

I found it pleasurable, but gross. "What did I say this time?" I groaned.

She pressed her mouth against my neck. "I believe you were wondering why people switched teams, maybe because you were thinking about your friend Jenny, and I told you I can play both sides."

Her tentacles wiggled in further, causing me to squeal and squirm in discomfort.

"Thanks," I grunted, tugging the tentacles out. "I...don't think I want to change sides anymore."

She grabbed me, sliding them back in. "_Your wife_ does."

I swallowed. "You mean, those things actually..."

"Uh-huh."

And so I let her finish what we had apparently started before the time loop began. If not for the time loop, I think I would have had trouble sitting down for a week.

When we at last climbed off the bed and freed my dog from the dresser, we got down to business. _Real business_.

Taking the picture off the wall, I used a Bingo marker from one of the drawers to diagram Room 109 and the area surrounding it, explaining the situation.

"I think you need to take a more cautious approach," Desiree said as she studied the diagram. "It seems they have a way of transporting reinforcements to and from that site."

"I know," I said. "But how do I stop something like that?"

"What if you destroy those cone things you told me about?"

I frowned. "I didn't actually see any of them using those."

"Consider it an experiment," she said. "Go in there and try it. If it doesn't work, then we know what not to do."

"What if I get killed trying to destroy them?"

She shrugged. "From what you told me, you were doing fine until you started bothering this Riversong woman." She took a deep breath. "I'm going to come with you this time."

"What?" I cried.

"You're clueless. Even as a murderous Dominator. You need my help"

She threw me my boxers, but when I put them on, she didn't toss me anything else. "You're decent," she said. "You waste time putting on clothes when you're just going to get lobotomized."

"Says the woman that just wasted, what, twenty minutes on probing me with her tentacles?"

"That was hardly a waste," she said with a wink.

"Whatever," I sighed.

"Go down to the lab," she said, opening a vent with her palms. "I'll meet you in 109."

"Are you going naked?"

She gave me a mischievous grin. "I might."

Shaking my head, I marched out of the room and down to the Master's ship, giving him the password.

"Where's your clothes?" he asked me.

"You're going to cut my brain open and stick it inside a little creature. Why does it matter what I wear?"

"People will get the wrong idea," he growled.

"Do you want them to get the right idea?"

He scowled at me for a moment, then widened the gap in the door. "Come in."

I passed the Quark piloting test in seconds, hopping out into the ship before the guy could give me permission to do so.

I did a sweep of the hallway exactly like before, blasting the enemy before they even knew what hit them. It was easy because they were exactly where they'd been the last time.

I teleported into Room 109, killing the Quarks that got in the way. Same places, same positions.

And then the experiment began.

I jumped, set my targeting sensors on the giant cones, and fired my shrapnel.

It bounced off.

I teleported back and forth, spraying them thoroughly, but it didn't make a dent. It seemed they were made of a special type of metal or had a force field that I couldn't penetrate.

"Hit the machinery and get out of there!" I heard a voice hissing from somewhere. I couldn't see the voice's owner, but I knew instantly who it was.

Since this seemed like the best idea so far, I whirled my machine, opening fire on the strange refrigerator-like devices.

The machines exploded with a satisfying bang.

The scream that followed was _not_ satisfying.

I teleported around the wrecked machinery and found Riversong's body collapsed on the floor, with pieces of debris jutting out of her bloody chest.

By moving into this position, I opened myself up to an attack. I soon found myself surrounded by angry Quarks, who opened fire.

I spun to retaliate, but my machine only clicked when I aimed my weapons at them.

The first shot shook my vehicle, nearly toppling me. I extended my tentacles, blindly slapping at anything that got close.

After knocking a few of their panels loose, they backed away warily, blasting me from a safe distance.

"You leave my boyfriend alone!" I heard Desiree shouting from behind one of my assailants.

One of them exploded, though I couldn't see what she had used to accomplish this feat. All I knew was that she was there, and she wasn't naked. She'd put on a gray jumpsuit she'd gotten from somewhere.

I tentacle whipped another Quark, and with some effort threw it into a wall.

Hearing a scream, I turned and saw my wife with her back arched, a large machine tentacle protruding from her chest, dripping with blue blood.

In her hand was some sort of explosive device, though, to my relief, not the time bomb.

"Go," she rasped. "We'll meet in the room."

Deciding she was right, I teleported back out to the hallway.

It sounded like someone had set off a fireworks display in there. The door smoked and fell off its hinges.

I quickly hurried away, feeling sad and frustrated about the whole situation.

I was sure I had more Quarks to dispatch, but I wasn't going to accomplish anything without ammunition, so I teleported myself back down the hallway.

The first thing I heard when I returned to the Master's craft was, "You fool! You'll ruin everything!"

He was right. It seemed the explosive hadn't done as much as I thought.

A few seconds later, the Quarks appeared int he compartment, blasting me, the Master, and his girlfriend to bits.

I returned to my bedroom, all right, but I found myself alone.

When time started over, I was alone under those covers.

The dog was at the door, growling.

Clad only in my boxers, I sat up, staring at her.

I heard knocking, but it was very faint.

Thinking it to be my wife, wounded or sick or who knows what else, I rushed to the door, throwing it open.

I found myself staring down at a little blonde girl with curly hair and baggy tropical clothes.

"Nick," the girl said. "It's me, Riversong. I'm afraid I've got some bad news."

And she handed me Desiree's ring.


	53. Chapter 53: Master Mind

I stared at the little girl in shock. "She's dead?"

Riversong sighed and nodded. "I would have died too, had I not regenerated."

I looked at her sadly. "Is their machine still destroyed?"

"Yes," she said. "You certainly took care of that."

"Good," I muttered, marching out the door. "Sorry I seriously wounded you."

There really wasn't much of use I could do besides return to the Master's ship. The boys were alive and well downstairs, playing video games. Jennifer was..._swimming_...with her girlfriend.

"Where's your clothes?" the Master asked me when he opened the door.

"I was swimming," I said.

"In your boxers?"

"I lost my trunks."

The man frowned. "Your hair is dry."

"I know. It's _weird_."

I said the password and he let me in, as usual.

The Master, lacking my dog for the experiment this time, placed the remnant of my brain inside a fuzzy sort of toad creature, which spent most its time singing _Ain't Got No Home_ by Clarence Henry.

You are your most annoying companion.

I didn't have to try very hard to complete all the tests and make my way down the interior of the galactic cruise liner.

The Quarks I destroyed remained dead.

Employing a strategy I always used in video games, I popped into Room 109, strafed a couple enemy units and popped out into the hallway.

However, unlike a video game, well, the easy ones at least, I found a foe laying in wait for me. I'm not sure where he came from, but he blasted a chunk off my vehicle, and then, as I made a strategic retreat, another one materialized right in front of me.

The two blasted me to bits.

I awoke in the bed again, clad in my boxers.

Hearing a knock, I got up, frowning at the girl that greeted me outside.

"Yeah, yeah. She's dead. Sorry I made you regenerate. Gotta go. Bye."

She blinked like a frog in a hailstorm as she processed the information.

I marched down to the Master's ship, knocking on the door.

As he was opening his mouth, I said, "Yes, I'm in my shorts. It was really windy outside, and it blew my clothing clean off. But I won't be needing it, or my body much longer anyway." And I gave him the password.

Those Quarks must have sneaked up on me somehow, I thought as I once again traveled the corridor. I made a full circuit of the floor, blasting every Quark I encountered.

I found the first live one at the end of the row of cabins, Room 120 or something. It was lurking behind a cluster of trees in a lounge.

The second one, alerted by the sound of the explosion, teleported in front of me, and I just barely avoided receiving a barrage of metal fragments. My counterattack was understandably excessive.

The port side was apparently clear, aside from Room 109, so I traveled down the starboard row of cabins, picking off another Quark somewhere near Room 140.

It had a companion, which appeared out of nowhere the moment I knocked the other one down. I shot it, but not before it damaged my vehicle.

I quickly swept my way to the end of the row, returning to the port side without encountering anything.

Gaining more confidence now, I popped in and strafed the Quarks in Room 109 again.

This time, there were no unwelcome surprises.

Well, not at first.

As I backed up into the hall, retreating to a safe distance a few doors down, the machine teleported through the door, as I guessed it might, looking more than a little peeved, judging by its mannerisms. I picked it off the moment it appeared.

The second one...it wasn't so easy.

Being of a cooler temperament, it didn't come out, despite me waiting over five minutes for it to do something.

When I teleported through the wall, it opened fire on me, and we practically joined each other in death.

At last the room was clear.

I searched all around, and I saw nothing except destroyed equipment and Desiree's corpse.

It still didn't make sense to me. How was this time loop happening if Desiree wasn't alive to do it?

Unless someone took over her job...

Since I wasn't getting any answers, I again set about trying to destroy the cone things. This time I conserved ammo and just tried to rip them out of the floor with my metal tentacles.

My machine groaned with the strain, but I managed to rip the thing out of the floor.

There! The next order of business was getting rid of the damned thing.

For a moment, I wondered where to find an airlock to drop it from, but then I decided I should just teleport it into space.

Great in theory. Not so good in real life.

The thing was unstable. For some reason, when I teleported into...hyperspace or whatever it was, attempting to cross the outer hull into the vacuum, the thing exploded, blowing itself, a section of the wall, and me to pieces.

This time when I awoke, I wasn't in bed.

"You _must_ be more careful," the Master said as he pointed a laser at something on my frog body. "It's a lucky thing your brain was mostly undamaged. You should thank that little girl. She actually owned a _space suit_! Put you in an ice chest like a dead fish! It is a feat that only my arch nemesis the Doctor would have pulled off."

"So you put my brain into another body?" I asked.

The Master nodded. "I also refilled your ammunition and repaired some of your broken machinery."

"You know the Doctor?" I said.

"Yes," he said with an expression of distaste. "Unfortunately."

"I don't know that much about the guy. What can you tell me about him?"

"Well," the man said, pausing in thought. "The man was misguided, but I admired his genius."

"So...he often puts people in situations like this?"

"Of course! It's his _trademark_!" the man said with a grin.

"Is that why he came up with that phony inheritance? To screw with me?"

"Inheritance?" the man's eyes widened in a way that made me shiver with discomfort.

"Uh...yeah. He willed me some crazy thing. Looks like a phone booth, but it's got a bowling alley inside it. They called it a TARDIS."

Now the man looked angry. "The Doctor willed _you_ the TARDIS?"

I swallowed. "Yeah. And now it's broken. A Dalek girl stole the parts that made it work to build a bomb. A _time bomb_."

"It has security features!" he yelled. "How could you possibly..."

He shook his head. "Never mind. It explains why it was so easy to transfer your intelligence into this small body. We will simply retrieve this explosive and use it to rebuild the time mechanism. Where is this `time bomb' pray tell?"

And so I told him where it was.

The Master wasn't stupid. he put me in a Quark machine before checking. I followed him to the spot I was sure the bomb would still be hidden.

It wasn't under Desiree's bed.

"I thought you said it was here," the man said.

"It was!" I cried. "I don't know! The Dalek is dead! Why is it gone? I don't know!"

"In this time loop," the Master said. "Where is the explosive ordinarily taken?"

This is how I ended up crawling down an air duct in a tiny frog body.

It was like a _Honey, I Shrunk the Kids_ version of the tunnels I'd practically memorized.

Putting me in there wasn't the most brilliant idea. On this scale, a foot of tunnel became more than ten yards. It took me forever to get anywhere.

And then there was the ladder. My little frog legs had suckers on them, but there were limitations.

Near the top, my sticky grip was thwarted by rust particles and dirt.

In other words, they stuck to the dirt just fine, but the ladder...not so much.

With a scream, I fell off the side, flailing in the air for anything I could possibly grip.

This wasn't a movie. There were no flag poles, real or metaphorical.

I fell approximately the height of the Sears Tower, my body exploding in pain, and bloody pieces, when I hit the bottom.


	54. Chapter 54: Back to the Bomb

I kept hoping that if and when I died again, the Master would forget everything I told him about the TARDIS. But when I awoke from my little accident, he inquired about the bomb.

"It would appear," the Master said. "You were unsuccessful in retrieving our little explosive."

"You can say that," I muttered through my frog mouth. "There's not much traction at the top of that giant assed ladder."

"I do not care for excuses," the man said.

"It's not an excuse," I said. "It's an explanation. I'm trying to get you what you want, but this body isn't exactly _optimal_ for every task. I find that it helps to mention my difficulties to others to solicit help or advice. Say, for example, if you, I don't know, crawled into the tunnel behind the medical station and boosted me up the ladder..."

He sneered at me in disgust. "Me? Performing the task of a lowly peon? I didn't get to where I am today by meekly doing other peoples' bidding."

"Okay," I said. "I just thought you wanted the bomb."

The man glared, stroking his goatee. "Surely you _know_ someone aboard this craft...some other worthy assistant..."

This is how Joe ended up carrying my little frog body into the duct inside the nurses' dressing room.

"Remind me why I'm doing this again?" the boy said as he crawled through the tunnel.

"You mean that scary man wasn't enough incentive?"

"Why would you even help a guy that cut open your skull and put your brain inside a frog?"

"You have no idea what's going on here," I said. "I had to choose between several bad options."

I directed him through the tunnels to the ladder of death, urging him upwards. It took a lot less time with an assistant.

Although it wasn't easy to get into the captain's room without Desiree's hands, I managed to squeeze my eye shut and wiggle through the vent cover, squirming along the wall across the carpet.

The environment looked strange on such a large scale. It took awhile for me to understand the large house-like things were computer stations.

Seeing a giant foot approaching, I dove into a cavernous equipment cable tube, shuffling forward through the dark to a pinpoint of light at the end.

The opening led to a shady cave-like mouth, the underside of another computer station.

The carpet ahead made me think of a plain in between two mesas.

To my utter astonishment, I could actually see the lunch box.

Sort of.

It was like a phantom.

And a phantom version of my wife was arming the explosive!

Before I could crawl forward to investigate, a pair of giant hands picked me up, raising me to a face the size of Washington on Mount Rushmore, the giant eyes staring at me in puzzlement.

"What have we here?" the captain said. "And what business have you down on the floor? Has your equipment malfunctioned?"

Dramatic pause.

"Or...are you a _rouge agent sent here to infiltrate my operation_?"

He tossed me onto the carpet, stomping me to death with his giant boot.


	55. Chapter 55: Vertical

"Well?" the Master said as I awoke on his lab table. "Did you find it?"

"Sort of," I said.

The man's face reddened. "What do you mean `_sort of_'! Have you found the bomb or not!"

"I found the _ghost_ of the bomb," I said. "Does that count?"

"A _ghost_," he repeated with skepticism.

I explained what I saw.

"I'm guessing it has something to do with the time loop, right?"

"If you are telling the truth, and it's not a simple case of stress induced hysteria..."

The Master stroked his goatee, talking to himself. "Perhaps a temporal paradox caused by the explosive is correcting itself with an overlapping time line."

"That's great," I said. "But how are we going to pick up a paradox?"

He paused for a moment, then said, "In order to solve this riddle, I need to see the object firsthand, and, from what I have observed, that location is a Quark stronghold. Have you any objections to piloting that machine again?"

"Would it matter if I did?"

"No," he said. "You're a surprisingly quick study for an Aqachab."

And so, I again found myself in the cockpit of a refurbished Quark machine.

I teleported myself through the hallways nearest the Master's ship and found them still unoccupied by enemy forces. I circled the floor, beaming myself up the staircase, intending to take the direct route to the bridge.

Another Quark was waiting for me at the top of the stairs. It blasted me, knocking me back like a trash can kicked over by a giant foot.

It must have blasted me again when I hit the bottom, for I found myself waking up in the Master's lab again.

"Something went wrong," he said with a frown. "Perhaps you should try again."

"I think," I muttered. "I need to figure out how to move vertically."

"Whatever gets our objective completed."

And so I teleported into the Island Princess, experimenting with verticals.

I made many mistakes.

The first experiment resulted in me slicing my body in half by teleporting halfway through the floor.

The second time, I dropped into the pool and my machinery electrocuted me.

Then I actually made it on the floor of the main deck (downstairs, the opposite of my goal), only to get blasted to pieces.

When I at last made it _upstairs, _I found a Quark sentry opening fire on my back end, and I couldn't spin around fast enough to defend myself.

Once the loop began again, I tried starting my jump a few doors down the hall, but I found two other Quarks waiting for me.

Back on the table once more, I told the Master, "I need you to do something for me."

"Oh?" he scoffed. "And what do you request?"

"I need you to break open some doors so I can save ammunition."

"Why don't you just _teleport_ through them?" he asked.

He was right, so I popped back out, teleporting into one of the cabins.

Instantly, I, um...learned where alien babies came from. I saw a sucker faced creature and some feminine looking bug thing, um, _going to town_.

I transported myself upwards from _that_, into an empty cabin.

The moment I entered the hallway from there, a Quark spotted me and opened fire.

I ducked back into the room, waited a minute, and found it standing next to a dresser.

I was ready this time. I blasted the thing to pieces, then spun to fire at the one that materialized a couple yards down the hall.

I passed the medical station, searching everywhere for an attacker.

I found one..._behind me_, blowing plates off my machine. When I whirled to attack, a second one hit me from the other side.

"This is growing tedious," the Master groaned as I found myself staring up at his beard again.

"It's not like I can help it," I said. "I don't know where these guys are hiding until it's too late!"

He feigned being deaf. "What's that? I'm not hearing any brainstorming. I only complaints and excuses."

I shook my head the only way a cyclops frog can.

When the Master placed me in the machine this time, I suddenly see the door to his ship exploding open.

A pair of Quarks teleported inside, one of them blasting the man's purple girlfriend.

"What!" the Master cried. "This is a time loop! That's not supposed to happen!"

That's when they opened fire on _us_.


	56. Chapter 56: Upgrade

After the Quarks blasted us, I expected to wake up on the lab table, but instead found my frog body sprawled on the floor of the Master's spaceship, the Master's dead or unconscious body lying facedown a few feet away, and the lab equipment and some of the furniture was on fire.

Groaning, I crawled into a crack beneath a table and looked around, uncertain as to how to proceed.

"Hello?" I called. "Anyone?"

A face appeared so suddenly, with such immensity in comparison to my little body that I darted back in alarm.

But then, when my eye focused, I saw that it was Bird Kid.

"Relax! I'm a friend!"

And then a golden haired child's face appeared next to him. "Hello, Nick."

"Riversong!" I cried. "What are you doing here?"

"Your friend here noticed the commotion. Once I found out what happened, I hurried over. You actually let the Master operate on your brain?"

I shrugged my slimy limbs. "It has to be done."

I stretched one limb toward the Quark machine, which surprisingly hadn't been demolished in the attack. "Could you help me get in there?"

With a nod, she pushed a small crate up to the pock marked cylindrical base, easing me into the little entry hatch.

The machine, upon starting up, immediately assaulted me with red flashing lights and alarm sounds, but it all still worked.

I transported myself out to the Princess, sweeping the floor I was on for new attackers. I figured if they destroyed so much of the Master's ship, they must be nearby somewhere.

I spotted one materializing in front of Desiree's cabin, but it disappeared the moment I opened fire.

I transported myself into her cabin, transporting myself into the cabin on the next floor, which just so happened to be occupied by an official looking rodent cyclops thing in fancy clothes, surrounded by two man shaped creatures that looked like they'd been made out of gravel.

The rat thing, who had been drinking at the time, immediately started yelling at me, and at his guards, in a foreign language.

The gravel guys were drawing weapons, so I disappeared behind his wall, entering another cabin, this one empty of lifeforms, but scattered with oddly shaped rumpled pieces of clothing that wouldn't fit on a human body.

Outside the door, I found no enemies, more than likely due to the distraction provided by Cyclops Rat.

I traversed an empty hallway (well, mostly empty - I saw a crab creature going into its room), crossing through a large workout room with a hardwood floor and exercise bikes configured for nonhuman legs.

A cluster of roach people in leotards were working out, _exercising_ to some horrible atonal music in the center of the room, drowning out a number of sounds, probably keeping them from noticing me passing through, _and_ Ratclop's screaming.

I nearly got shot by a Quark popping out behind a shiny chrome pillar that looked just like it.

I blasted the thing to bits, then ducked behind the glittering architectural feature as shrapnel sprayed in my direction.

The aerobics class paid none of this any attention.

I popped out from behind the pillar, nailed the second one.

All clear, or so it seemed.

Intending to eliminate each and every one of them from the ship, I transported myself around the corner, searching the hallway.

I found a cluster of them at the middle of the ship. I guessed they had just finished a fight with Mr. Rat.

I was tired of all this fighting and not getting anywhere. So tired, in fact, that I just went crazy, unloading all the shrapnel in my machine and whipping the guards with my tentacles when I ran out, until they were all dead.

I, of course, died in the process.

When the smoke cleared, I was back in the Master's ship, and the owner was standing over me, alive, but injured.

He had on an eye bandage, and stitches running up the side of his face. His purple friend stood next to him, her face also stitched from...whatever injuries she had.

"You were fairly successful in that last attack," the man said. "I suppose that's self evident by the fact I'm standing here."

He gestured to a pair of Quark machines standing next to mine. They were all pretty damaged from my attacks, but I was impressed he had them there.

"I and my assistant carried these deactivated units down here. We salvaged many parts from them, which we have used to upgrade your vehicle. My compliments on a most successful job of eliminating the threats from this and the upper floor. The explosive will soon be within our grasp!"

When he placed me in the Quark's compartment, I noticed strange new readouts on the monitor.

"Your attackers had some interesting weapons, including a few rather unique laser weapons. Hopefully this will put an end to this whole tedious affair."

I reached my legs into the various control pods, experimenting with the upgrades.

I had a laser cutter arm, a flame thrower, and a laser gun that stopped working after the first shot was fired. The master said I should use those weapons sparingly, for it drains the machine's power. Of course, if I ran out of shrapnel, I didn't have much to lose. Two of my metal tentacles had been removed to make room for two new items, so it seemed a better idea to use the weapons than whipping attacks.

Confident that my work had achieved some sort of semi-permanence, I teleported up a floor, then up into the next, searching the halls for potential assassins.

Seeing none, I teleported up again...and found myself standing on the outer hull, staring at the rounded bubble that probably contained the captain.

I could have been blown away into the void of space like last time, but by now I was practiced, so I shot myself under the bubble immediately.

I'd never been in the area that humans usually use to access the bridge, so it took me a minute to figure out what I was looking at.

I was in a quartered circle of a chamber with fancy wood paneling and locked security doors at both ends. A rather ordinary looking one stood in between them, probably for guests.

The room contained space piloting awards on plaques and a trophy case, a strange model of an alien sailing frigate with a hull that resembled an intestine turned inside out, and a tiny little machine, possibly for running the ship. A vast window overlooked the stars.

It appeared to be some sort of touristy area, for tour guides to show guests how the ship is piloted and how great the captain was. The room appeared to be empty, but I detected a Quark hiding behind a statue of Triton.

The Quark, upon seeing me, teleported in front of me, actually attempting communication.

It was sending encoded messages to my machine.

Not understanding any of it, I just opened fire.

The machine toppled over, but not without sending out an alert message.

Without warning, two more Quarks materialized right in front of me.

I panicked, giving them a huge blast with my flame thrower as I fired shrapnel indiscriminately.

Sensing that they had moved, I brought out my laser cutter and whirled in a circle, and sliced a clean line through the front of one of their machines.

I used a tentacle to keep the damaged machine in place, blasting it to pieces, but not without receiving a rain of shrapnel from the rear.

I whirled, baring my laser, shooting flame at the same time.

I managed to deflect a few pieces of the enemy's projectile, but a couple bits cracked my dome and trunk

Boom. Another shot took down my other opponent.

I thought this would be the end of it, but then the locked door at the far end came open, and the captain came out, pointing a cannon-like weapon at me.

My screens were flashing red, telling me, perhaps, that my energy level was critically low.

"You don't look like one of Iqozden's units," he said. "And I detest spies."

I tried to say something in reply, but he opened fire before I could say it.

My machine toppled over from the force of the blast, and I felt searing pain engulf my frog body.

As my consciousness faded away, I noticed a bandaged figure bursting out the opposite security door, firing a pistol several times.

The captain fired back, blasting a gaping hole in the Master's chest before collapsing on the floor.

The last thing I saw before blacking out was a female body in a nurse's uniform kneeling next to my machine, and a pair of flippers opening my entry hatch.


	57. Chapter 57: Final Assault

I came to inside something I at first thought was a sleeping bag...placed on soft spongy ground.

When I crawled out of it a little, I saw what it really was, a large pocket on the front of Desiree's dress.

I was still a frog creature.

The human Dalek's flippers flipped switches.

"What...happened?" I said. "How did you come back to life?"

"The captain ordered one of the Quark units to position themselves in Room 110. When we eliminated him from the equation, you successfully destroyed the other Quarks before they could kill me."

"That was the Master's doing," I said.

"Then the Master helped us. I'm steering the Island Princess far away from the planet. This should throw another wrench in their plans."

"Wait," I said. "Where's the bomb?"

She pointed to a ghostly lunch box on the floor.

"That...doesn't look good."

She shrugged. "Our goal is almost complete. Once the Quarks are gone, the Master can do whatever he wants with that explosive."

"As long as we're safe," I said.

She pushed a button, and the computer gave an unpleasant beep in response.

After trying two more times and getting the same response, she said, "It's no use. They have control over the engine room. We're not going to go any further until this gets taken care of."

She picked me up, placing me on the towering height of her shoulder.

I nervously watched as she walked into the display room, pausing next to a small curly haired figure tinkering with a Quark machine.

"Is it ready yet?"

"Almost," said the girl, pushing a panel into place, which she secured with a sonic screwdriver. "There. Good as new. I think that's everything."

They placed me back in my machine, and I continued the quest to eradicate all Quarks from the ship.

I traveled downwards through the floors unmolested until I reached the main first floor.

Spotting two Quarks waiting for me at the bottom of the staircase, I popped back upstairs, teleported into spa.

A crab creature shrieked as a Quark attempted to fire at me from the rear.

It seemed the fog from the sauna limited its visibility.

Since it had apparently cleared a path through the occupants, I opened fire, but of course, the thing shot back, and though I retreated, the damage to my shell had already been done.

I backed out the doorway only to find myself under attack again.

I shot in my attacker's direction, adding some flamethrower and laser burst for good measure. While I watched it explode, I retreated backwards down the corridor, waiting for someone to pursue me, but nobody came.

"Behind you, fool!" I heard a familiar voice yelling.

I spun around in time to face a third Quark approaching from the pool.

I tore into it with fire and shrapnel and lasers, then flinched as I heard something explode behind me.

I whirled around, but only saw black smoke coming out of the spa. I hoped that was a good sign.

I froze in place, wondering what was going on with all that, and as I did, the Master appeared in front of me, fixing something on my machine.

"Your battery is about to give out," he said. "This fully charged one from your past should be sufficient to replace it."

He grinned. "My deepest thanks for delivering the requested equipment to me. However, it appears that this temporal recursion will not release me from its grasp, so I will, for a short period, be volunteering my services. I hope you don't mind."

"Hardly!" I said. "Anything you can do to help me out of this nightmare would be appreciated."

"In that case," he said. "I hope you appreciate the decoys I will have already set up at the edge of the pool."

"What?" I said, confused.

"Just go out there, and get your newly recharged weapons ready."

I teleported out to the pool deck and saw a pair of crabs tied to wooden chairs, fidgeting and struggling as speakers hung around their stumpy necks played a recording of some sort of high pitched animal noise, one which made me..._sexually aggravated_ for some reason.

I spotted the enemy right away, blasting them with everything I had just a second after they opened fire on the bait.

I kind of felt bad for the poor creatures in the chairs, but I figured they would just come back when the loop restarted, and I couldn't tell them apart from the other crab creatures anyway.

I passed Captain Salty's, searching for new foes.

Once caught me off guard as I was passing a cabin. It seemed it had been lurking in the room, laying in wait for me.

As it began firing, I saw Desiree appear out of nowhere, armed with a crudely constructed cannon weapon. One shot and the machine exploded.

She vanished in the blink of an eye, and I heard something else explode.

Time machine, I thought. That had to be it.

I thought about paying a visit to the kitchen to get rid of that forcefield frog, but I instead decided the engine was a priority, so I dropped down to that level...

And found myself facing a hostage situation.

All my friends were there. Joe, Harvey, my dog, Riversong, Jenny, Desiree, the reptile lady, even the Master. A half human spider had cocooned them in webbing.

Behind them, three Quarks were poised, ready to attack.

I stared at Desiree and the Master, wondering why they were stuck there if they had a time machine, but this was no time to ask.

Hearing someone clapping, I turned to see Clara marching my way, with a smug grin on her face.

"Bravo," she said. "You singlehandedly defeated all the Quarks on the upper decks, and nearly wrested control away from Quark command. _Nearly._"

She pointed her cel phone at something on a bulkhead, and a row of cannons emerged from the machinery.

"This is where it ends," she said. "I'm going to make you a deal: Re-establish the mining operation and the Quark occupation, or I kill one of your friends, and keep killing them until you comply."

Clara pushed a button on her phone, and one of the cannons erupted with a brilliant light, reducing Harvey to a pile of dust.


	58. Chapter 58: Showdown

I wasn't sure if Sarah's spirit actually inhabited the newborn Ss'sik'chtokiwij or if this hatchling were merely convinced into believing she was Sarah, but it made me sad.

In bonding with Sarah, the larva gave me hope, a hope that I could at last ally myself with a Ss'sik'chtokiwij who understood my love for Jesus, and human beings, but the loss of her humanity, the destruction of her delicate little body, it was more than I could bear. I couldn't stop coughing.

"Don't cry," the larva said. "I'm happy now. I have a family. I'm just like you now."

I bowed my head in sadness. "Every part of her," I said. "So you can grow up big and strong."

"That was what your mother said, wasn't it?"

I swallowed hard. "It's what _our_ _mother_ said. Now eat, this will be the last human flesh you will ever be allowed to consume. Few would give it so willingly."

Nodding, Abednego-Sarah took her (presumably) first bite of flesh.

"Wait," I said. "We should pray."

The newborn Ss'sik'chtokiwij folded her tiny claws and bowed her head.

"Dear great Ss'sik'chtokiwij in heaven," I prayed. "We know that all human life is sacred in your sight, but this child has sacrificed her life for the sake of this newborn Ss'sik'chtokiwij, allowing her to host in her own body, and giving her flesh as food. Therefore, Lord God, please bless this human meat to the nourishment of this young Ss'sik'chtokiwij's body so she may grow in strength and stature, and develop into a righteous, caring woman of God, full of respect for the value of all human life and their souls, seeing them as friends rather than food. This I pray in the holy name of Jesus. Amen."

"Amen," Abednego-Sarah said in agreement.

While we prayed thus, I witnessed the sparks from cutting torches sawing at the door.

"The men will soon cut their way in. It is not safe."

"Yes," I said. "But what can we do?"

"I entered this room through a loose panel. We should be able to use that to make our escape."

Her stubby little claw pointed to a vent in the corner of the lab.

With a nod, I grabbed Sarah's poor lifeless body by the armpits, letting out soft sobs as I gently dragged her to the vent.

The panel was affixed by a single bolt, so I could swing it like a hinge. I squeezed through the opening, laying the corpse inside a recessed corner with as much tenderness as I could muster with my sharp angular claws.

I brushed the victim's hair until it looked pretty, like a large Barbie doll.

"You were so beautiful," I said.

The infant had been using Sarah's stomach as her own personal carriage, but now she crawled out to speak to me.

"My beauty was homogenized," she said. "I had no uniqueness. I was only a _thing_ to experiment upon." She gestured to her exoskeleton. "_This_ is beauty. I am a unique, one of the kind creation."

I wept.

"I understand why you grieve, but this death brings me great joy. I am free from DAMBALLAH now. We are of the same pack now.

"Before, I was only a clone, no different than the rest of the cattle they bred for their evil purposes. Now they cannot touch me. I am _free_!"

"Until you get captured," I said. "The moment the scientists find you, you will be a prisoner once more, just like me. You will have brain probes that will confuse the mind and weaken the body."

"But they will not destroy you," she said. "They cannot. You are too valuable. I, on the other hand, in the body I once occupied, what was I but a human guinea pig?"

I sighed and shook my head.

"Is there a trail of blood?" she asked suddenly.

I frowned. "I'll check."

The girl's exit wounds had been clean. The socmavaj had impregnated her orally, without a struggle, and the Ss'sik'chtokiwij had ripped her open with more gentleness than most. When I checked the floor, I saw very little blood, and what I did see I was able to lap up in a couple seconds.

I didn't want to drink her blood, mind you, but it was the most efficient method of cleanup at my disposal.

I climbed back into the vent, closed the grate behind me, and watched with anxious unease as the unseen humans continued to saw at the door.

"We should move further back," the infant said. "The camera has been disabled, but they will wonder how the case got opened when the door has been sealed. While they may assume someone simply closed the door on the socmavaj when it got out, they may decide to search in _here_."

Sarah had spent several days in the base's ventilation system, and it seemed the new Ss'sik'chtokiwij had absorbed the information. We rapidly acquired a new nesting place behind a loose grating in an air conditioner duct.

Once there, I carefully peeled the child's garments away, so they wouldn't get ruined during the process of feeding.

I scoured our trail for blood, then, when only finding a few drops, returned to our nest, curling up next to the body as the newborn fed.

I spent an entire day in this fashion, just resting and idly observing the infant's progress, flinching at the air conditioner when it switched on, checking the adjoining passageways whenever I heard a noise.

When I returned to the body, Abednego-Sarah offered me a piece of liver. "You can have some of me if you want."

I sadly shook my head.

"It's better than cruelty free," she said. "It's _donated_. It's okay. You can eat it. I want you to be healthy and strong too."

I waved the meat away.

"You still don't believe I'm Sarah, do you?"

"I know our minds had a strange connection," I said. "But Sarah is in heaven now. Her soul wouldn't be in the body of a Ss'sik'chtokiwij."

"Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik," she said in a scolding tone. "I remember _everything_. I remember that socmavaj being on my face. I even remember dying as this larva body linked minds with me. My soul must have moved here. How else could I know so much when I've just been born?"

I had no answer to that.

"Ernie," she said in perfect English. "Why would human Sarah, human me, willingly let herself get impregnated with a Ss'sik'chtokiwij if she didn't also want her flesh consumed?"

When I did not answer, she added, "You licked up my blood."

She was right, but I still couldn't bring myself to physically eat my friend.

"You have her," I said. "Gorge yourself and build up your body."

"How is Grandma?" she said in between bites.

I stared at her. "You don't know?"

"No. They don't have cameras in there. At least not any good ones."

"Grandma's fine," I said. "She's mean as usual. She trapped us as we were trying to escape. Both Craig and Rick are dead."

She nodded. "I saw you leaving by yourself...what's that thing you've got stuck to your arm?"

I told her about the weapon, and the incident in the training room.

"I may need to retrieve other weapons later," I said. "We live in dangerous times."

"You're going to have to kill her," she said. "You know that, don't you?"

I didn't want to admit she was right. "There has to be another way."

"She'll continue laying eggs, the men will come down, and they'll die. Every minute that passes, you're putting the whole base at risk, Rebecca included."

"Grandma is too big," I said. "I told you how she threw me to the floor."

"_Your mother_ was big," she said.

"Yes, but that time Brice had explosives, and I died when that happened. I don't know the first thing about explosives. I could get hurt."

"If you don't figure it out, _our friend_ will get hurt."

I slumped my chin on the metal floor. "I don't even know where to start."

"There could be information in the computer system," she suggested.

I didn't stir.

"You miss it, don't you? The imprisonment. You could eat and read your bible in comfort. You could knit, and write your epistles, not having to worry about anything."

"It was more than that," I said. "It was companionship. It was friendship. It was _mutual respect._"

"With brain probes and an electrified collar."

"My sufferings are nothing compared to the sufferings of the Lord. I gladly bear them for his name."

Abednego-Sarah's expression became unreadable. She just sort of stared.

At last she said, "You know, Becky is still alive. Maybe you can pay her a visit."

And then she returned to her feast.

"I really think you should eat some of this. I don't like how my liver tastes, my feet are kind of tough, and I don't even want to think about eating my own eyes or my brain. That's just plain yucky."

I just gave her a "Seriously?" look, which she probably couldn't read.

"Abednego. Sarah. You're a Ss'sik'chtokiwij now. We don't know where you're going to find your next meal."

"The Lord will provide," she said. "I learned that one from you."

"We should bury the bones," I said. "Once you've stripped the meat off them."

"There's marrow inside," she said, showing me the wrist bone she'd chewed open.

"I know."

"You said I should eat every part of me."

"Yes," I said. "But we must retain something to honor her memory."

Abednego-Sarah nodded, gnawing on her fingers, literally. "But not all at once. The humans will see us as a threat if we're found dragging around a whole rib cage."

"Too many trips to the same spot could be just as dangerous."

"Do you ascribe to the superstition than a ghost cannot rest if the bones are separated?"

I frowned. "I do not wish to visit a hundred graves just to pay my respects."

After swallowing some thumb fat, Abednego-Sarah said, "Remember that program we saw about the Indians and their sacred bundles?"

"You wish for me to sew a bag for the bones?"

I paused and thought a moment.

"Perhaps we shall."

"If you are in need of fabric, you can use my clothing."

My first thought was to retrieve my sewing kit from my cell. It was risky, but I couldn't think of a better place to find supplies. Plus, Craig and Rick were dead, the androids more than likely absent.

When I announced my intentions, the larva said, "I'll show you the way."

"You must stay and eat," I said. "And watch the body to make sure no one takes it."

She shook her head. "I've been all over these tunnels. You're going to get lost without my help."

And she climbed up on my shoulder.

This act made me think of Mother so much that I cried. It was like I was her, looking down on my small self.

"You must let this become a new memory, Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik," Abednego-Sarah said. "Brethren, I do not consider that I have made it my own; but one thing I do, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

I replied with, "Suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit which has been given to us."

I sighed. "Young Ss'sik'chtokiwij, you speak and think like Sarah, but you no longer have her body. You have the flesh and instincts of a Ss'sik'chtokiwij larva, yet your heart is kind and gentle. You are a new creation, but what shall I call you?"

"How about Maria?" she said. "You know, like that lady on Sesame Time."

"But that is a sad memory!" I protested.

"No," she said. "It is joyous, for she taught you the value of human life."

"But she died!" I said, coughing at the memory.

"The Maria you knew was an _actress_. She did not actually die when you attacked her. Her death was programmed into the simulation to teach children with mental problems not to attack people. I looked it up on the computer.

"The woman actually died in a boating accident, and she isn't the first woman to play Maria. The first was a woman named Sonia Manzano."

"Very well," I said. "I shall call you Maria."

My little sister guided me through a confusing labyrinth of ventilation and electrical access tunnels until I reached a passage that smelled of Hissandra.

At the end, I discovered a ventilation cover that had been sealed into position with cocooning slime, a clever solution that disguised the attacker's entry and departure during Travis's death, ensuring that I'd receive all the blame for the incident. I would need to seal it with my own secretions in order to preserve the concealment.

Seeing no one through the slats, I carefully pushed the cover open and climbed out, setting Mara back inside the tunnel.

"You stay here where it's safe," I said, propping the panel back up. "If something happens, go back to our hiding place and..._eat yourself._"

"Ernie, if you lock yourself in, you're going to need someone to get you out."

I swallowed and nodded. "You are surprisingly wise for someone who was born yesterday."

"I had a good teacher."

This made me purr.

My cell had been left open. I quickly found my sewing kit and materials, prepared to return to the body with that and a nice comforter I had knitted a few weeks ago, only to find the door sliding shut on its own.

Alarmed, I rushed to the ever shrinking opening, only to find myself being shoved to the floor by a pair of scorched black claws.

As the locking mechanism clamped down, Hissandra laughed at me behind the glass.

"Why Sh'kassk'dwuissueblik!" she said. "You look tired! Why don't I _take care_ of the kid while you..._make yourself at home?_"


	59. Chapter 59: Epilogue

Clara cut more captives loose, who in turn helped free the others.

I teleported in front of them, calling for their attention.

After explaining what happened to me, I said, "Now that I have a captive audience, I have a very important favor to ask. As you know, I am a traitor among the Quarks, and have eliminated all but one enemy stronghold on this ship. Unless you want to be enslaved by the enemy and forced to break rocks until you die, I suggest you join me in defeating them.

"The enemy is in the ship's kitchen. The more help I can get, the better. I will lead the charge, but I am only one..._alien thing_. I'm asking something dangerous from you. You could even die. But your sacrifice will save lives. If you volunteer, join me upstairs in the banquet hall. We will enter the kitchen on my signal."

"It sounds like we'll die anyway," Jenny said. "I prefer it your way."

It seemed she liked me better as a mutant frog.

"Fair enough," I said. "See you upstairs." And I teleported away.

It took a painfully long time for the prisoners to meet me. My war party consisted of Jenny, Madame Vastra, the Master, Senator Tayari, Riversong and Desiree. Harvey tried to help, but I told him he should sit this one out, because his parents would miss him.

I wrapped Mole Man in a tentacle and threw him to the floor, waving my team into the kitchen.

As they yelled and shoved the cooks out of the way, I was already teleporting to the end of the room, firing upon the domed Quark's bodyguards, throwing everything I had at it until it exploded.

The second Quark whirled to attack me, but Jenny threw an industrial cooking pot at its head, distracting it.

It seemed it hadn't been distracted enough, for the moment I fired, the Quark hurled Jenny into a wall, then blasted me until my machine fell disabled to the floor.

After that, I could do nothing but watch.

Another Quark appeared, belching out a sheet of flame.

I thought it was all over. It was just a bunch of mortals against an armored death machine.

But then my team grabbed weapons from the shelves around them, from meat slicing laser knives to laser guns (Madame Vastra happened to be carrying one), and the machine crashed to the floor next to mine.

My girlfriend knelt beside my vehicle, gently pulling me out of the control compartment.

"Is that it?" I said.

"Just about."

My team had gathered around Dome Frog, frowning down upon it.

The Master leaned close to the creature. "Your kin has caused myself and everyone aboard this ship a great deal of trouble. Am I to assume that you are a general of sorts? Perhaps the chieftain of this whole operation?"

The creature did not reply.

"Very well," the Master said. "Perhaps you'd like me to deactivate your little forcefield and perform some brain surgery? I should think your tissue would provide a great deal of interesting data, especially considering how I probably won't be making use of anesthetics."

"When the Quark High Commander hears of this coup, you'll regret we ever had this conversation!"

"Oh come now," he said with a chuckle. "I think we can let bygones be bygones, provided we can make a little arrangement..."

The creature quivered. "Such as?"

"Complete control of whatever remains of your military force. I understand you have a few units remaining on a nearby planet...For your tiny mining operation. Yes. I believe those _will do_ nicely."

I frowned at the man. It seemed every one of his schemes had the feel of something illegal or evil to it. Still, he was highly intelligent, and he had good ideas.

The creature paused, then said, "Very well. You clearly have me at a disadvantage. I agree to your terms."

"I thought you'd see things my way," the man said smugly. "Shall we shake on it?"

The creature nodded, deactivating its dome.

The Master offered a hand, and the creature responded with an extended foot.

What happened next was both quick and unpleasantly brutal.

In a millisecond, I saw a sharp, nasty looking claw flash out of the creature's foot, which it used to lash out, scorpion-like, at the outstretched human hand.

The Master, being no fool, snatched his hand away the moment the claw could touch him.

Before the creature could make another move, the Master grabbed the nearest weapon, which just so happened to be one of those hammer-like meat tenderizers with the jagged points on one end.

The hammer came down on the little beast, causing it to scream as its blood splattered all over the table.

The Master slammed the tenderizer down again and again and again, until the creature was not much more than a smear of gory meat.

He did this with practiced ease, as if he'd killed others, possibly human beings, in that same fashion.

With sigh of satisfaction, he clapped his hands and said, "Gren ouille à la provençale, anyone?"

No one took him up on the offer.

"Fine," the man said. "Could you be so kind as to pass me a spatula? I haven't had lunch, and I've grown rather accustomed to the texture."

"Thank you, Chef Prudhomme," I said. "But I think I'll excuse myself now."

"Getting squeamish, are we?" he mocked.

I just sighed.

"Oh very well. Someone hand me that tumbler of Venusian garlic? It's the bottle with the stripes and the gold emblem."

As Desiree carried me away from there, I suddenly heard the man bark, "Wait. There's one item that still needs to be resolved. That tiny little issue about the..._thing_. _In the lunch box_." He cast Riversong and Jenny suspicious glances as he said that last part, and I knew exactly why. "Be a good chap and bring it to me, won't you?"

I glanced at Desiree, but she didn't seem to care either way.

Riversong didn't seem to suspect anything, either.

Still, it didn't feel right.

"I...don't think I should," I said.

"Oh?" he said in an amused tone. "And I suppose you wish to live out what remains of your pathetic existence as a small creature that lives in constant fear of being stepped on?"

I swallowed. "So you can put me back the way I was? Put my brain back and everything?"

He burst out laughing. "My good sir. If I have enough ingenuity to place you into one of those..." He scooped the smashed creature into a skillet, drizzling it with glowing yellow powder. "Wouldn't you assume that I had enough knowhow to put it back?"

I locked _eye_ with Desiree. She just shrugged, like it wouldn't hurt anything.

So Desiree marched me through the kitchen, aiming to push through the door and go upstairs.

Unfortunately, Riversong overtook my girlfriend, getting underfoot, and the Dalek took a spill on the floor, accidentally throwing me on the tiles in the process.

Then Riversong ran out the door.

It seemed she either knew something, or suspected something, and she was trying to stop us.

I was bruised all over, but otherwise fine.

"We should be okay," I said to Desiree. "I mean, we rid the ship of all the Quarks, and everything seems to be going back like it's supposed to be..."

"Still," she said. "The bomb had a timer..."

"Didn't you have to set it, though?"

"Well, if another me from another time has already set it, this could go on forever, happy endings or no."

A minute after she said this, I saw a brilliant flash, and every part of my body burned.

I awoke on the Master's lab table again.

"No!" I cried. "It's not fair! I did everything right!"

"Maybe that's the reason you suffer so," the Master said with a chuckle. "At any rate, I've done my best with your frozen carcass and the excess brain tissue I've stored in that pathetic little mongrel of yours."

It seemed, in this particular time loop, I had provided my dog as a brain receptacle.

"You might find your present appearance a little..._unsettling_, but your wife assures me that she finds your new look incredibly sexy."

He held a large mirror above my face so I could get a good look.

"It was the least I could do, after doing so much to help me acquire such valuable TARDIS components."

He tilted the mirror.

I had been surgically modified into a strange bastardized version of a human Dalek. The front of my face was basically the frog thing, with my legs poking out the sides of my head...which incidentally lacked a skull on the upper portion, again, just like Desiree.

My mouth was still the stomach mouth thing like before, but widened to accommodate the human digestive system.

Once I understood what I was seeing, I screamed, and then, when I saw it copying me, I screamed louder.

When I recovered from the initial shock, I got up from the table and nearly strangled the guy to death, but his purple girlfriend had a gun, and Desiree urged me to surrender, telling me how handsome I looked and everything.

Time never looped for me again. I wished it had. I wanted my humanity back, but I guess that just wasn't to be.

I marched out of that ship in an angry huff, but Desiree made me feel a _little_ better with some affectionate kissing.

As we were making out, I heard the Master call, "I'm about to depart from this realm to attend _other business_. As a further show of good will, may I transport you somewhere? Anywhere in the universe, any time period. No questions asked. I know a good honeymoon resort on Gupidra. I have never made anyone else such an offer and never will again. Sound good?"

Desiree grinned at me. "Sounds wonderful, Nick."

I swallowed. "_I suppose that could be our last stop_..."

My girlfriend picked up my `pathetic mongrel', gently stroking its fur. It licked her several times in the face, then barked, "Pete Townsend!"

This made me shudder. How much of me was still stuck in that dog?

I turned to face the man. "I need you to send all my friends home. As an _act of good will._"

"I assume you mean the two ragamuffins. I believe your other friends are quite capable of transporting themselves to anywhere they want."

"What about Riversong? The little girl?"

The Master chuckled. "I wouldn't worry about her at all."

Still worried about what he could do with the bomb, I followed him.

It turns out the Master's spaceship was actually a TARDIS. The lab was only the rear portion of a large sort of alien office building, and in the center room, situated on sort of a circular board room table, was a complicated console similar to the one in the other TARDIS, except instead of a Swiss army motif, it was tidbits of everything from the history of the modern office. Teleconferencing equipment with a phone receiver on a lever, one of those IBM electric typewriters, even something that resembled a microfiche machine.

The equipment apparently served to function as the control system, most of it computerized. Lots of spreadsheets and green-black screens.

The man took the bomb apart, setting to work applying the various bits and bobs to the machinery below the console.

I went to search for the boys.

I didn't see a Quark anywhere, only the smashed up wreckages I had created.

In the absence of the captain, the little girl had sent for the human faced horse alien, and a crab creature to replace the man at the bridge. Joe told me this as I led him back to the Master's spaceship.

I actually went up to check and found her running the controls, looking quite busy.

In fact, whenever I asked her something, she would say, "Just a moment," and start discussing something technical with the crab, or calling the big guys in the engine room.

It seemed the workers had returned to duty immediately after the lead Quark had been destroyed. Though I wasn't sure from where, whether someone had shuttled them back onboard from the planet, or if they had merely been hiding somewhere onboard until then. I didn't investigate the matter too closely because those guys gave me the creeps and I didn't really care too much about them anyway.

By the time I grabbed Joe and Harv, he had the vehicle humming in a promising way.

The two boys were at first shocked by my appearance, but they had seen so many freakish things during their little journey that it didn't really phase them.

"Where to?" the Master asked when I had the kids standing before the console.

"Mars," Joe said eagerly.

"No," I said. "They need to go back to the Scout troop."

"And where, may I ask, is that?"

And so I told him directions to the place.

"Good. Now, _when_ is it? What year? Date and time?"

I told him the year, the approximate date, and time of day. Joe, being a little more perceptive than I, gave a more precise answer, based on his watch.

The machine hummed loudly, rather than grinding.

After a few minutes, the Master opened a hatch on the spaceship portion and we were looking at a field across a road from our campsite.

In the dark, I could still see the troop vehicles in the light of passing cars. I could smell the campfires. I had to grab Zanie to prevent her from running out into the field.

I gazed at the boys sadly. "I guess this is goodbye."

"Huh?" Harvey said. "You're not coming?"

I pointed at my face. "This is going to make it hard to live a normal life."

Swallowing, handed the dog to Desiree and clapped a hand on each boy's shoulder. "Tell them I fell down a sinkhole in a cave."

"What about your car?" Joe asked.

"I'd better let them tow it. It'll make the story more believable. Goodbye. I hope you two grow up to be good leaders. Keep the troop going, okay?"

Joe nodded. "Sure. Okay." But I wasn't sure if he meant it, or if he were just saying that.

"I'll do what I can," said Harv. That one was more believable.

"See you later," I said, but then blurted, "I mean, I won't forget you."

I thought about adding farewells to the rest of the troop, but I realized that would cause too many unanswered questions. "Good luck."

"You too," the boys said.

I sighed as I watched them march off into the dark.

The Master closed the door quickly. "You two will love it on Gupidra. Swimming, hiking, Kaitumur riding..."

He handed me a Crown Royal bag full of things that felt like marbles.

I opened and saw the marbles were jewel-like, and they glowed.

"Ramuzde water beads. These should get you any service you require, including space transit."

"Wait," Desiree said with a frown. "Where did you get those?"

He gave her a mischievous smile. "Ask me no questions, and I shall tell you no lies. Now, will you join me at the console, or would you prefer to watch the flight from here?"

Desiree grinned at me. "Do you have any bedrooms? I think we'd _much appreciate_ the view from such a place..."

The Master grimaced with distaste. "I'd rather not have to launder the sheets. Would you be so kind as to refrain from (ahem) such activities until you familiarize yourself with the facilities on Gupidra?"

"It is your ship," Desiree agreed.

"Good," the man said in a slightly disgusted smile. "In that case, I do have a wonderful little observation deck, in which I will allow you to comfortably observe the passage of our vehicle, and otherwise enjoy each other's company."

My girlfriend nodded. "Thank you. _We will_."

THE END

* * *

><p>Author's note: I have no clue about what anyone thinks of this story. All I see are statistics, and it looks like ten people have been glancing at the newest chapters off and on for a few weeks. Why? I don't know.<p>

If you like the story, what do you like about it?

If you are not satisfied with the ending, let me know what details I left out, and what could make it better.

If you want to see a sequel or something, tell me that too. I'm only stopping here because nobody said anything, and I figured I might as well wrap things up.

What character would you prefer to read more about?

What character would you rather not see again?

If you tell me what you think, it might help the sequel to be more interesting.

If nobody says anything, well, this is goodbye.


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